Monday, December 17, 2007

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • Well this is it - the last post of 2007. Unless I win the lottery then you will never hear from me again. Ha ha. I am taking some time off for the holidays so I probably will not hit the blogging circuit until after the new year.

  • I went and saw "I Am Legend." Not too shabby. It had a few "I might shit my pants" moments" and I totally recommend it.

  • They showed the trailer for the new Batman movie "Dark Knight" before "Legend" and let me tell you that trailer was fantastical.

  • Some redneck pickup lines if you need some help with the ladies during the holidays.
    -- Did you fart, cause you blew me away.
    -- Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure is special.
    -- My Love for you is like diarrhea ... I can't hold it in.
    -- Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.
    -- Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.
    -- If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole.
    -- You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
    -- I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock.
    -- Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
    -- If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
    -- Your face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

  • Entrepreneurial idea: Rainbow stickers that indicate your level of gayness. For example, if you are 100% gay then your rainbow sticker's color level is 100%. I have acknowledged that I am about 6% gay because my fondness of shopping, grooming (manscaping), etc. so my rainbow sticker color's level would be 6%.

  • If you have not done so you should really go elf yourself.

  • Have you heard about this study? German researchers found that staring at large breasts for 10 minutes a day is equal to doing a half hour of cardio. I think I could insert a really nice joke here but I also don't like sleeping on the couch.

  • I hope Santa brings you something nice, but I guess if you have been bad you will probably get this from the North Pole:

  • Happy Holidays to you and yours, and make sure you have yourself a Ludachristmas!!!

Monday, December 10, 2007

Mr. Shife's Winter Collection

My company Christmas party is just right around the corner, and I always find it to be a stressful event. I just don’t know what to wear. If I dress up too much then I look like I am self-promoting, but if I dress down then I just look like I don’t care. Well I finally solved that problem with this awesome outfit Mrs. Shife found for me online. I think it strikes the perfect balance, and it makes my moneymaker look really nice.

Friday, December 07, 2007

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • Do you know what happens when three Labradors enjoy a gallon of canola oil? If you guessed “Projectile Dog Vomit” you are correct. At a family gathering the four-legged furballs got into the oil, and the fun began. The dogs puked all night and day, and the highlight (at least to a juvenile like me) was seeing vomit spread all over the screen door for the back deck. This vomit was not at the bottom of the door but in the middle of the door so one of these beasts really unloaded with some force. By the way Projectile Dog Vomit is a great name for a band if I must say so myself.
  • Thank you to the kind soul who signed me up for the neckne of the month club. I have received a brand, spanking-new Frankenstein bolt for the last three months. It is awesome. Thank you so much for the unbridled joy this painful facial monster has bestowed upon me.
  • I thought of a good stripper name. Prayer. Oh the marketing possibilities you can have with that name. The power of Prayer. On your knees ladies and gentleman for Prayer time. Your Prayer has been answered.
    I know I need to get out of the house more.
  • Does anyone else have a problem with Happy Hour? Not the concept but the fact that it is grammatically incorrect. I don’t know too many establishments that actually have Happy Hour. They have Happy Hours, but not one hour of happiness. Usually Happy Hour is from 4:30 to 6:30 which the last time I checked is two hours, and therefore it should be called Happy Hours.

Like I said I before I need to get out of the house more.
Maybe some Prayer can help my neckne.

Have a good weekend.

Monday, December 03, 2007

Life Caddy

You guys should be glad I was not watching a show about why mammals eat their young.
Who knows what kind of thought process that would have inspired?
Anyway, I got knocked up by the epiphany fairy.
For some odd reason I was thinking about golf and how cool it is that they have a caddy that gives them advice. As I continued thinking, I thought what if you had a caddy for life? Just someone that follows you around and helps you out in tight situations. You know like if you are drunk and thinking about procuring the services of a midget hooker. But your life caddy Rico (I think Rico would be an excellent Life Caddy name) talks some sense into you and you just end up buying an issue of "Barely Legal Dwarfs" and some vaseline. Just a passing fancy but I know we all have done things in the past where we wish we did have a life caddy.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Say hello to the peter heater

I found the perfect stocking stuffer for the man in your life.

You can thank me later.

I would like to introduce you to the man mitt.
What is a man mitt, Mr. Shife?
Well here is the online description I found with my thoughts included at no extra cost to you.

This Man Mitt is called “Jingle all the Way!” (Evidently the Holiday Ball Shawl was already trademarked.) This is a hand-knitted (That is going

to look impressive on the resume) seamless male undergarment accessory created for comfort and warmth (Nothing says Happy Holidays like sweaty balls). The crocheted tie makes this piece adjustable (So you can hang yourself later if you are caught in them) for a comfortable fit. This Man Mitt is made with very soft chunky yarn (I love me some chunky yarn on my privates) for comfort and easy care. (I can’t wait to put this on the clothesline). It features two tiny bells (So when you wear them when you travel you can get a full cavity search at the airport) attached to the tie. Ring-a-ding-a-ding! (Oh I just threw up a little bit in my mouth) Jingle all the way! (Does yarn cause shrinkage?)

Whether it's for function or fun (It will make a great gag gift. You drop your pants. Significant other throws up.) This is definitely a unique (If you are mispronouncing retarded when you say unique then you are correct) gift giving idea for him. It's warm and cozy and quite the conversation piece. (Just think about all of the conversations you have had at the Christmas party about your fancy new underwear. The number must be mind-boggling.)

And of course if you're looking for something different for her it also makes a handy dandy little coin purse with side cell phone pocket. (Hey hon, are your underwear clean? I need to borrow them because my other coin purse with a side cell phone pocket is being worn by my dad.)

Sunday, November 18, 2007

No Pain, No Gain

Pain scales are tools that can help health care providers diagnose or measure a person’s pain intensity. The scale is usually 1-10 with 1 being a little pain and 10 being the worst pain that you ever felt in your life. How boring is that? In my further attempts to make this world a better place I proudly present the Dumb, White Guy’s Pain Scale. For the Dumb, White Girl’s Pain Scale, please visit my second-favorite Canadian, Cher.
1. Your Inner Monologue tells you redneck jokes all day long. (You might be a redneck if you think TACO BELL is the Mexican Phone Company.)
2. You wake up at 3 in the morning, puke your guts out, and have chunks of fis
h tacos stuck in your nasal cavity. (This may or may not happened to me this weekend.)
3. You get Home of the Whopper tattooed on your forehead.

4. You walk in on your parents filming your grandparents having sex.

5. You have to rub lotion on Bob’s boobs. Who is Bob? Bob is the character played by Meatloaf in “Fight Club.”

6. Your amateur sex video of you dressed as Rush Limbaugh and dry humping the family ottoman is released on the Internet by your ex-girlfriend.
7. You get your Home of the Whopper tattoo on your forehead removed by Freddy Krueger.
8. Your ankles get the Annie Wilkes makeover.9. You get a guyzillian.
10. Paris Hilton explains “
Sex and Pregnancy: A Possible Connection" through Instant Messenger.

So this zit I have on the inside of my nose would be about a 6.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Picking a winner

My blogging buddy and all-around cool dude Phats asked me to participate in his football pick 'em contest this week, and I said "Sweet sassy molassey." Here are my picks.

Steelers at New York Jets
This a simple one – the Jets suck, the Steelers don’t.
35, New York 14

Miami Dolphins at Philadelphia Eagles
Hmmm, another simple one – the Dolphins suck, the Eagles … hey wait a minute the Eagles kind of suck too. But their level of suckiness does not compare to the Dolphins. Plus the game is in Philly, and if the Eagles lose there might be a riot of unseen proportions. So for the good of mankind the Eagles better win.
Philadelphia 27, Miami 10

Washington Redskins at Dallas Cowboys
Do you like either team? No
Can you shorten their nicknames to sound like gay street gangs? Yes. The ‘Boys and the ‘Skins.
Damn it. We have to go to a tiebreaker.
Who has bigger boobs – the Hogs or the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders? Cowboy cheerleaders.
Dallas 31, Washington 24

Kent State Golden Flashes at Temple Owls
I think I picked Kent State last year because they have an awesome nickname. The Golden Flashes. I don’t know what it means but it is cool. Maybe that is what you get when you flash a stranger for the 1,000th time.
Kent State 24, Temple 13

Vanderbilt Commodores at Tennessee Volunteers
Did you know Vanderbilt was named after the ‘70s supergroup, the Commodores, and their lead singer at one time was the L-train, Lionel Richie? Lionel is the man. If Vanderbilt was named the Vanderbilt Lionels they would be my favorite team.
But they aren’t and they are not as good as Tennessee.
Tennessee 28, Vanderbilt 21

West Virginia Mountaineers at Cincinnati Bearcats
Usually the mascots are scary but I just looked up a Bearcat and I think I could take him. The really interesting thing is it neither a bear nor a cat. Kind of like a tranny is not really a dude or a chick. So based on my retarded logic Cincinnati could be the Fighting Transvestites. West Virginia just has dental problems so I am going with the Mountaineers.
West Virginia 45, Cincinnati 28

Ohio State Buckeyes at Michigan Wolverines
This is a tough one. Both teams coming off losses, and wanting to get back on track. Michigan is at home. It is a rivalry game so anything can happen. Ohio State could win but so could Michigan. How do I pick? If there was only a really cheesy movie in 1984 starring Patrick Swayze, C. Thomas Howell, Leah Thompson, and Charlie Sheen that could give me guidance? Thank you “Red Dawn” for showing me the way.
Michigan 21, Ohio State 20

Louisiana Monroe at Alabama Crimson Tide
Anytime your school name could also realistically be a name of stripper is not good. Now taking the center stage, please give a warm welcome to Louisiana Monroe.
Alabama 49, Louisiana Monroe 13

Oklahoma Sooners at Texas Tech Red Raiders
This is tough. No not the game. Oklahoma wins easy. It is just tough trying to come up with some reason why I pick the teams I do. The rational reason to pick Oklahoma is because they are better, but you are not reading this for balance and objectivity. If you want that you should watch Fox news. And yes that buzzing sound you just heard was a sarcasm meter.
Oklahoma 35, Texas Tech 17

Duke Blue Devils at Notre Dame Fighting Irish
Anytime your school name could also realistically be in the Poop Thesaurus is not good.
Now taking the center stage after taking a Duke, please give a warm welcome to Louisiana Monroe.
Notre Dame 35, Duke 24

Kentucky Wildcats at Georgia Bulldogs
My fat basset loves Bulldogs. On the computer all day long looking at scantily clad Bulldogs in provocative positions. What a furry freak. He likes his bitch to have a little junk in the trunk. (Admit it, the only reason you watch dog shows is to hear a snooty white guy say bitch over and over).
Georgia 21, Kentucky 17

Boston College Eagles at Clemson Tigers
OK, I am going to let the 6% of me that is gay pick this game. Who in the hell told Clemson that purple and orange make a fabulous combination? Oh it hurts my eyes just looking at that color arrangement. Seriously purple and orange.
BC 28, Clemson 24

Idaho Vandals at Boise State Broncos
On paper this is a blowout. BSU is ranked in the top 20, at home on the smurf turf, and Idaho has only 1 win this season. Plus, I might starve if Idaho wins. All of the Boise State grads that work at the fast-food restaurants and pizza joints will be at home crying themselves to sleep in their parent’s basement so I would have nowhere to eat after the game. I know what is going to happen, but you gotta be true to your school.
Idaho 38, Boise State 35.

Purdue Boilermakers at Indiana Hoosiers
Indiana, can I ask you one question – Hoosier your daddy? That’s right. Purdue has owned you for a long time. Purdue continues its domination unless Joe Tiller starts throwing back Boilermakers before the game and lets a monkey call the plays.
Purdue 31, Indiana 27

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • Thank you to everyone who was kind enough to leave me a comment about my unfinished novel. It was greatly appreciated. And to those who did not leave a comment you might want to start looking over your shoulder because a bout of explosive diarrhea is heading your way.
  • I finally watched "Snakes on a Plane." I did not have much of a choice since it was on HBO 712 times last month. Anyway, if you have seen it then you will understand why I am sneaking an extra look into the toilet before I do my business.
  • Bored? Vote for Quincy.
  • I swear if I did not have to write a check every now and then I would forget how to write cursive.
  • So if I do some binge drinking then that will lead to binge pissing. If I do some binge eating will that lead to binge crapping?
  • There are two things in life that baffle me - Woody Allen movies and NASCAR. I just don't get Woody Allen's humor and I don't understand the appeal of no right turns for 500 laps.
  • I also don't understand animal abuse so I guess that is three things.
  • Halloween has come and gone, but I was reminded of the joy that is the day after Halloween. No not the discount candy. But the guy who comes strolling back home after a one-night stand wearing his wrinkled Captain Jack Sparrow outfit and a pair of panties tucked in his back pocket. The double walk of shame.
  • Do Chinese people get tattoos of American words or symbols?
  • Speaking of Chinese characters. Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high. (Thank you George Carlin)
  • Very punny indeed. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet .He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath . This made him (Oh,man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
  • If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
  • You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist off the earth? Who would it be?
  • How about this for a new rule? Stop giving me that pop-up ad for! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 10 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days -- mowing my lawn. (Thanks again Mr. Carlin)
  • This will probably be my only post of the week. Sorry. I have to figure out if bald people can have hairline fractures.
Have a good week. And remember to wash your hands before you enjoy that Hot Pocket.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Book Report

So below you will find the beginnings of a book that I need to finish writing someday. I started this project in college and I have not really revisited it until recently. It is a combination of fact and fiction, and it may offer you a little more insight into this dumb, white guy. I am not sure what my motives are for showing everyone one this. Maybe I am looking for positive feedback or maybe I am just hoping a publisher stumbles across my blog, reads this, and gives me a book deal. I hope you enjoy it, and if you do have any feedback I would certainly love to hear it.

"Confessions of a Dumb, White Guy"

By Matt Shifley

The lights were off but someone was definitely home. Sitting alone, he cursed God and kept asking himself, why, as a familiar voice invaded the blackness.
Beep. Hey honey, this is Janet. I just called to say hello and to let you know I will finally be home tomorrow. My long trip will be over and I can't wait to see you. It seems like it has been longer than two weeks. Oh well, I love you and I will see you soon. Bye. Beep.
He pushed the now worn-out play button again as he struggled to control his emotions. The warm whiskey was still going down smooth but it was only intensifying the anguish he was putting himself through.
Beep. Hey honey, this is Janet. I just called to say hello and to let you know I will finally be home tomorrow. My long trip will be over and I can't wait to see you. It seems like it has been longer than two weeks. Oh well, I love you and I will see you soon. Bye. Beep.
The tears finally fought their way through his closed eyes as he played back the answering machine once more.
And that was the last time he heard her voice.

"Who are you taking to the dance?" said Josh
"I do not have the faintest idea," said Cooper. "I just want to have a good time. I want to go with someone I know I will have fun with. And, if her definition of fun includes marathon sessions of sex, well I won't complain."
"So, as usual, you have narrowed the field down to fun-loving whores?"
"Yes, I believe that is exactly what I am looking for. Quick, release the hounds."
"So are you even going to the dance?"
"I don't know, it doesn't look too good. I'm fresh out of whores. I think my mission is done here. There is no longer a need for my services. Cooper has left the building."
"What about that girl you met last Saturday at the bar?"
"Who? That blonde?"
"Yea, she was cute. She seemed to be digging your lines and I don't recall seeing her doing the walk of shame with her panties in her back pocket from the house."
"She was into me. I was being, how do you say in America ... an asshole, yes an asshole and apparently the young ladies of this fine town are looking for something more. I know, I can't believe it myself, but I guess in the last few months they have developed something called standards. Anyway, she was complaining about her boobs being too small and how she wanted to get them bigger. And of course I reassured her that her boobs were perfect.'
"Of course. You are a gentleman."
"So I tell her that I read in Cosmopolitan that a new vitamin was being used in Europe that seemed to improve the size of breasts. Well, since I am unflappable and quite charming, she was hooked. She asked what was the name of the vitamin and I told her vitamin C. I get the deer in the headlights look from her and she is like you mean orange juice. So I tell her, well not exactly it is actually a relatively obscure vitamin known as vitamin Cooper. Well, the look of confusion turned into a look of damnation and she freaks out because she thought I meant throwing a load of sperm on her chest, which I did, and slaps me and leaves."
"Oh, the youth these days. They just don't understand the well-read man."
"You know it, brother. I am a genius surrounded by idiots, excluding you and a few others."
"Thanks, I think. Well since vitamin C is not selling like hotcakes these days, I'll see what I can do. I am going over to the girlfriends. Do you have anything I should tell Janna?"
"Actually, tell her I am looking for a girl who is a good thumb wrestler."
"OK, I will tell her. I'll see you in the morning."
"Alright, I'll see you later."
The conversation summed up his whole collegiate experience. He just never took anything seriously; he was more comfortable joking about it rather than actually dealing with the matters at hand. He would love to take a wonderful girl to the dance and enjoy an evening of engaging conversation. But, spending time with someone he cared about was a foreign experience. It just made things less complicated if he could get a tramp for a date and just tried talking her pants off. He could party all night and have no regrets in the morning. Unfortunately, these pep talks he gave to himself were no longer cutting it. He had a lot of regrets.
Thinking about college, he had the time of his life but soon it would be over. And what did he have to show for it? There just seemed to be something missing in his life.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Wipe it real good

If you are like me then you know quite a few people who have their head up their ass. It is quite unfortunate because these people probably can not properly wipe their ass since their cranium is causing an impediment. So in my goal to better mankind, I give you these tips to pass along to all those who need to free themselves from skid marks, poop stains, dingle berries, klingons, and all manner of unpleasant nastiness:

1. Choose your wiping medium. What to wipe with? Most of us are blessed with bountiful supplies of rich, downy-soft, cotton rolls which hang conveniently by the commode. If you are not among these lucky few, do not despair for there is plenty of stuff to wipe your ass with including paper towels, the newspaper, the phone book, the mail, towels, friendly neighborhood cat, shower curtain, or the wall.

2. Find your ass. For some, ass finding comes naturally. Others require both hands, a mirror and a flashlight. Still others must rely on a loved one to locate their ass until they get the hang of it. And even more have trouble distinguishing their ass from a hole in the ground.

3. Wipe, wipe, wipe your ass, always front to back. Carefully carefully, now you've got the knack. This little song (sung to the tune of Row Row Row Your Boat) will guide you through the final ass-wiping process. To break down ass wiping into it's most basic mathematical expression we could write:

YAP_x_ log_2_8^x^ &TP;=&TP; ( p00p)8^x^ (p00p)(8^x^)&TP;=&TP; 3 ew2 ew2&TP;=&TP; 3

Where YAP = your ass plane, TP = toilet paper, and ew = gross factor X

4. The finish. Once your ass is clean you may be tempted to show it off to your neighbors, friends, and coworkers. This urge is completely natural but you must resist. Keep your clean ass to yourself.

5. Wash your hands. Or don’t and just give someone a stink palm.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Save the Redheads

Hello everyone. I would like to talk to you about a very important subject – redheads. I guess they might go extinct, and it is our job to save them. I am doing my part by sending the below letter to my male redheaded friends. I encourage you to do the same.

Dear Redheaded Friend,

I find it hard asking someone to make love. I guess we all do.

But when Save the Redheads, one of the most respected redheaded agencies (OK it is the only one), asked me to volunteer to raise erections to help the redheads of the world, I knew I had to do it. Wouldn’t you?

The brutal truth is that thousands of redheads around the world die each day when people like you selfishly use contraception. Sure gonorrhea sucks, but isn’t it more important to try and make a redhead.

We are not saying you have to provide child support or be in their lives. Does the phrase redheaded stepchild ring a bell? Just get out there and make some sweet sassy molassey.

The proven solutions that are widely-known to get a female to drop her pants include large amounts of alcohol, diamonds, or a bulky checking account. Plus you are famous now. This is bigger than save the whales. Use it to your advantage.

Save the Redheads also provides programs to enable redheads to get their game on and help them start crushing you know what. Your underpants navy can make so many young lives. Please get busy humping or get busy dying.

The ‘Make a Difference’ campaign is a special project where people like me let you know that is not OK to have protected sex. Will you give your sperm today? An urgently needed gift of 3, 4 or even 5 redheaded children would be a tremendous help and your support will help Save the Redheads. On behalf of the redheads, Thank You!

Monday, October 22, 2007

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • I know most of you must be reeling from the big Harry Potter news. Dumbledore is gay. Holy Muggles. I was just as surprised as the rest of you. I thought everyone in Harry Potter was gay too.
  • The following blog post was supposed to contain scenes of brief nudity. But Quincy is not good with a camera. Did you know dogs don't have thumbs?
  • Have you heard of a bucket list? You basically make a list of things to do if you know when you are going to kick the bucket. I could make a list as big as the fat basset's appetite but if I honestly knew when I was going to die there are three things I would definitely do.
    1) have a living wake with all my family and friends, 2) perform at an open mic night at a comedy club, and 3) watch the sunset with Mrs. Shife where we spent our honeymoon in Mexico.
  • So would you want to know when you are going to die?
  • I am huge in Canada.
  • And Mexico.
  • And Japan.
  • Finally, after years of searching I have found my house of worship.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Kodak Moment

A picture is a worth a thousand words, but today is your lucky day and I only need about 15 or 20. I found these photos and they are quite amusing, but they would be even funnier with a clever caption from you beloved reader.

A) It's Hairy Potter

B) You should see his sister's shirt

Have a great weekend.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

I have mailed it in

The last post I did was pretty lame, and I apologize. Please send all your hate mail to Cher, and if you are forbidden by law to send mail outside of the U.S. then send it to Phats. Speaking of Phats, he is answering questions on his blog, and I asked him one of those stupid "two trains" questions. Then I thought to myself, why not ask everyone. Plus I am hoping a SAT question writer is a reader of my blog and they will want to use my question in the 2008 SATs. You gotta have goals people. I have been telling you that for years. OK. Maybe this is the first time I told you. Anyway enjoy the question.

Two trains leave for Osh Kosh, Wisconsin (and B'Gosh I really have no idea if trains really do go to Osh Kosh) at the same time. Train A is departing from St. Louis and traveling 40 mph (talk about a slow train - quit playing with your overalls Conductor Bob and put the pedal down). Train B is departing from Denver and traveling 65 mph. The question - would you rather:
A) Be beaten unconscious with the prosthetic genitalia of midgets
B) Let an army of spiders hatch their eggs inside your middle ear drum
C) Be suffocated w/ waffles that have been heated up under Fatty McGee's armpit
D) Get a wiener mustache from Dr. Phil
E) Wish I had never seen this question

Monday, October 15, 2007

I Challenge You

Bored? Here are a few activities that you might find challenging.

Milk Gallon Challenge: A person attempts to drink a gallon of milk within one hour without vomiting.

Wonderbread Challenge: Eat two slices of bread in two minutes. No drinks, no butter ... just plain ol' untoasted bread.

The Saltine Challenge: Ingest six Saltine crackers in 60 seconds (Note: All challenges must occur without the help of water or any other digestive lubricants)

The Cinnamon Challenge: Ingest one teaspoon of cinnamon in 60 seconds (Note: cinnamon sugar is not acceptable)

The Saltine Challenge No. 2: Ingest four saltines in 60 seconds AND then whistle.

The Twinkies Challenge: Ingest three twinkies in 60 seconds.

The Wendy’s Challenge: Put the entire contents of a Wendy’s kids meal into a blender (small hamburger, fries and Sprite), and ingest it in five minutes.

The Star Jones Challenge: Try to listen to her for 60 minutes without wanting to drive a railroad spike through her face.

Anybody else got some challenges?

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Brain Dump

  • I got a new fake ID – check it out

  • I am not telling you what to do but you should be watching “30 Rock.”
  • It is on tonight (Thursday).
  • On NBC.
  • Check your local listings.
  • What if Vince Vaughn became my neighbor?
  • Do you ever think about how you might die? Me either.
  • I have mentioned it before but I think it is time to mention it again. Spike TV programming dude you need to call me. I have a great idea for a TV show - Lap Dancing with the Stars.
  • Awesome shirt
  • If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did." – Jack Handey
  • Sitting at my computer today, I realized that only drug dealers and software developers call their clients "users."
  • How can there be self-help “groups”?
  • If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?
  • How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Have a great weekend.

Monday, October 08, 2007

Get your drink on

OK folks I am going to another football game this weekend, and I am praying to the football gods that we win because I don’t think my liver can handle another loss. But win or lose, I will still booze.
As I am getting older, I can no longer party like a rock star and I have been developing some symptoms that have been problematic. Fortunately, I found a guide to some of my problems. And being the caring, giving man that I am I thought I would share with you in case you are experiencing any of these complications.

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.
ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up; lash self to bar.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing.
ACTION: Panic.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

I have the fever

Since this blog is called Confessions of a Dumb, White Guy, I better acknowledge to you my wonderful blogging friends that I am indeed an all-American dork. I am pretty reserved and quiet and for me to draw attention to myself is fairly unusual. Unless of course I have been drinking then I am a swirling vortex of socialness. You get the picture – shy when I am sober and social dynamo under the influence.

Anyway, there is the rare occasion when I throw caution to the wind and go commando. And when I say go commando I mean I let go of my inhibitions and not my underwear. Just wanted to clear that up. Well it happened this week.

If you have seen the Will Ferrell cowbell skit then you will understand my story. If you have not seen the skit, do a Google search for Will Ferrell cowbell and then read the rest of my story.

Here is the story – I got a flu shot this week at work, and you have to fill out a form before you get the shot. The form is pretty standard, but I left one question blank because I am sick right now. The question: Do you have an illness or a fever? I told the nurse I did not have an illness but I was sick. She then asked if I had a fever, and I replied no. Some of you already can see where this is going I am sure, but wait for it. She then asked if I was on any medication, and I told her I was on a decongestant. She then asked me again if I had a fever, and I said no again. But now in my head I am seeing the Will Ferrell cowbell skit, and I tell myself if I get asked one more time about a fever I might have to be a smart ass. While I am plotting, the nurse calls over another nurse and they discuss my situation. Then the nurse that got called over went ahead and did it, “Do you have a fever?” And I said it, “I need more cowbell!” The nurses looked at me like I had an axe in my hand, but one of my co-workers that was standing by me knew exactly what I was talking about and started howling.

Ahhhh, it was a beautiful moment. This is what Phats must have felt like at his first Purdue football game or what Cher felt like when she first met me online.

Have a good weekend.

Monday, October 01, 2007

Must See TV

I apologize but my creativity is lacking as I am still getting my ass handed to me by this cold of mine. Good times.
Well the new TV season kicked off last week, and not much caught my eye. I did enjoy Chuck on NBC. It comes on right before Heroes and it was an entertaining show. Speaking of Heroes, the premiere was not too shabby. I am also looking forward to Pushing Daisies on ABC. I was a little disappointed with the original CSI's premiere because I wanted a certain character to take a dirt nap. Mrs. Shife and I said good-bye to Grey's Anatomy - just got tired of that show. Still watching The Office and 30 Rock. I saw parts of Journeyman and it wasn't that bad, but I don't know if I will commit. I heard Life was good as well.
So what is on your must-see TV list?

Thursday, September 27, 2007

The Name Game

I heading back to Moscow this weekend to watch another University of Idaho football game so this post will be short since I am leaving tomorrow. Are you ready?
  1. If I was a stripper I think my stage name would be Epiphany.
  2. I would kill my parents if they named me Cliff and my last name was Hanger.
  3. Since there are no gay people in Iran it doesn't matter, but I would name a bar there that catered to the homesexual population "Gayatollahs."
  4. If I had a pseudonym it would be Bob Galliono.
  5. My safe word is cinnamon, but it also makes an excellent stripper name.
  6. Porn girl name -Nita S. Pankin
  7. Porn boy name - Oliver Klozof
  8. Best college football player name. You have to click the link because you would not believe me even if I told you.
  9. The best name for my office is the Black Hole of Suck or Circling the Drain.
  10. And for my last entry I think I will just go with a good name for a basset hound - Quincy.

Have a good weekend.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Happy Anniversary

I usually devote this space to my idiotic ramblings and sometimes amusing anecdotes, but today this blog of mine is dedicated to the most important person in my life, my lovely wife. Today is our third wedding anniversary, and on this day three years ago you made me the happiest person in the world. So Mrs. Shife here is your first surprise on our anniversary.

To My Wonderful Wife
Mrs. Shife

How do I begin to tell you how lucky I am
to have you in my life?
I'll start by saying what a gift you gave me
the day you became my wife.

You're my best friend in the good times
and my rock in times of sorrow.
You're the reason for sweet yesterdays
and my promise for tomorrow.

I never thought I could feel this loved
until you became my wife.
You made this year and every year
the best one of my life.

Love always,
Mr. Shife

Friday, September 21, 2007

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • Are you sick of OJ yet?
  • The last time I checked Halloween is Oct. 31, correct? It is crazy that stores have already rolled out their Halloween collection.
  • Speaking of Halloween coming early, I got my bolts for my Frankenstein costume already. What? I got two large zits on my neck and they hurt like hell. Anyway they were positioned right where Frank’s bolts would be.
  • And since I am on the subject of zits on my neck, which one do you like – acneck or neckne? Or you could just go with zits on the neck. If you fellow bloggers want to get together and discuss names for zits on other parts of your body, then let me know. For example, I imagine dickne would not be pleasant.
  • I am making my home debut at the University of Idaho this Saturday. Going up with some friends to watch the Vandals play some football.
  • And here is some exciting news – I picked up my first cold of the season. Awesome. I went to bed last night at 7 p.m. That is balls-to-the-walls excitement right there people. Where is my reality show?

Have a great weekend.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Conversations with the Commander-in-Chief

Occasionally I speak with the man who resides below my belt, and he is the Commander-in-Chief of the Underpants Navy (CICOTUN). I thought about making the title of the post “Conversations with my Penis,” but I am really trying to rise above vulgar language. Right. That is a load crap. I just wanted to have a more mysterious title to lure in unsuspecting Republicans.
Anyway, I do talk to the CICOTUN (If I was really smart I would have come up with an acronym spelled COK or DIK) every now and then. They are by no means devastating conversations; just the casual stuff that you would expect from a guy and his CICOTUN. For example, there was the time when I told him how cool he was because he was no longer bald or the time I begged him to go away when he decided to check out my junior high PE class. One time the CICOTUN received a lengthy scolding during my freshman year of college when he decided not to rise to the occasion after he had a little too much to drink or there was a time recently when he got a Get Well card from me because I got a little carried away with the manscaping. Our most recent conversation involved the possibility of what he would look like on TV. Now before you start thinking porno just hear me out. The CICOTUN and I are watching the HBO series, “Rome.” It is a great show, but it has a lot of violence and nudity – especially male frontal nudity. The old saying goes that TV adds 10 pounds so now do you see where this is heading. The CICOTUN was just curious what he would look like if he had to do a frontal nudity scene on TV.

I didn’t know what to tell him, and he has been asking me about it all week. Just popping up and asking if he can be on television. The CICOTUN has a hard-on for being on TV.

I have threatened to take a little blue pill and let him deal with an erection for up to four hours.

The CICOTUN has threatened to show up at the most inconvenient time like when I am a getting a physical from my doctor.

Someone is getting spanked tonight.

Friday, September 14, 2007

The Biscuit Story

I had a memory resurface this week that I thought I would share with my beloved blogging community. I went to school at the University of Idaho, and about 8 miles to the west is Washington State University. Yep, that it is. I finally remembered where I went to college.

Just kidding – on with the story.

I am a Delta Chi, and Wazzu had a Delta Chi chapter. During my time at school, the Wazzu D-Chis were not a very strong house. But occasionally, we would visit our brothers across the border because of one paramount factor – girls. Washington State has about 15,000 more students than Idaho, and that means a lot more boobies. You could say it was a target rich environment. So as young, impressionable freshmen, me and some brothers headed over. Six of us crammed into a 1992 Ford Bronco with visions of entering a land where goddess-like (and of course scantily-clad) women walked up to you with a beer in one hand, a condom in the other, and room key in their mouth. Yes, me and my friends were indeed young, dumb, and full of spermatozoon.

Once we arrived at the Wazzu Delta Chi house we realized our mental picture had got beaten and battered unconscious by reality. Evidently besides not a being a strong house, the Wazzu guys are also a safe haven for women who enjoy living life to the fullest if you know what I mean. Sir Mix-A-Lot would have been drooling. Baby got back and I think she ate Becky. We tried to make the best of it, but most of us were ready to go 30 seconds after we walked in to the house. The one problem was our sober driver likes them big, and he was in heaven. He looked as happy as a two-peckered puppy at a poodle parade. So we did what brave men do in tough situations, and drank ourselves retarded.

As the night progressed we discovered that we were out of our own beer, and must stand in line to get some keg beer. Well duty calls, and me and a buddy are in a long line waiting when we notice that we are the only guys in line. We are surrounded by the nightmare on Monroe Street, and these women wanted more than beer. These ladies wanted action and it looked like no was not on the menu today. I am panicking, trying to figure out how I am going to survive. Sure I am a kindhearted, charitable man, but this was beyond my generosity comfort level. I scanned the scene again and there it was … my golden ticket just sitting there on top of the fridge – a box of dog biscuits. Now I would love to know what you are thinking right now. But let me be clear I might have a mean streak but I would never publicly humiliate anyone but myself or someone I was good friends with. With that being said, I grabbed four dog biscuits, gave two to my friend and two to myself, gave him the look, and we both proceeded to eat the dog biscuits. And just like that we were no longer wanted men.

The moral of the story is that a dog biscuit is man’s best friend.

Have a good weekend.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

I am crestfallen

I began the 2007 NFL season full of hope and great expectations.
Well hope and expectations just caught the 3:10 to Yuma.
Every year I do this to myself. Am I glutton for punishment? Or am I just an idiot?
You see my favorite team is the Arizona Caridnals. The Cardinals are the definition of bad. You could say they own real estate in the Black Hole of Suck.
They have had one winning season in the last 20 years.
Yes, that is correct. One.
It is like waiting for The Flock of Seagulls to have another hit.
Whoever said hope springs eternal can suck it.
Anyway they lost last night in heartbreaking fashion, and I mourn yet again.

Friday, September 07, 2007

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • Humble apologies to you dear reader. It has been several Ambushed Paddingtons and a Dirty Sanchez since I last blogged. (And if you really want to know what a DS is then look it up but not at work) My anticipated return from the Black Hole of Suck was a little premature. I guess I had premature suckulation. Maybe there is a little blue pill for this. Ahhhh that new suck smell … you gotta love it.

    On with the show.

  • I don’t need the assistance of pharmaceuticals to envision that I might go insane in the immediate future.
  • The beloved basset had to have 13 skin tags (the dog equivalent of warts) removed from his furvacious body. They electrocuted them off. Personally I think he looks like an ashtray because he has burn marks all over him.
  • My favorite actor has a new movie coming out today. No The Hoff is not starring in Mitch Buchannon (FYI, the Hoff's character in Baywatch) and the Temple of Speedos . I am talking about Christian Bale. It is called “3:10 to Yuma” and I think it is about a crazy Greyhound bus driver on his route to Yuma from Kalamazoo. Or it could be a kick-ass Western.
  • You would think I would have more to talk about since I have been absent for a little while now, but I really don’t. Maybe I am completely out of Confessions. Maybe I will have to change the name of my blog to Fabrications of a Dumb, White Guy.
  • Three good arguments that Jesus was a woman: He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food, he kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it, and even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do!
  • What do you think of this? A clever Tampon ad? Or why is there a pool in the middle of nowhere? Or maybe this lady has some nasty ass matter?

Well that’s all folks. Hopefully I will only be in the Blue Hole of Suck next week so I can post on a regular basis. Mrs. Shife suggested the Brown Hole of Suck but that just brings up some really bad imagery.

Have a great weekend. Get your drink on if you are into that type of behavior, and remember you are the tops.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007


Hello there. Sorry for the absence but I have been busy training at the Sum Dum Guy Malaysian Mixed Martial Arts Academy. You know so I can fight like a Malaysian. Have you not heard of “Fight like a Malaysian?” It was the sequel to “Walk like an Egyptian.” Malaysian did not have the commercial success that Egyptian did, which I blame entirely on Casey Kasem. That man was no ambassador to music or Malaysia. Suck it Casey. Anyway I can’t get that song out of my head now that I have been to the Sum Dum Guy Academy and completed my intensive schooling.

All the kids in the marketplace say
Ay oy whey oh, ay oh whey oh
Fight like a Malaysian

Alright truth be told I am just fine after getting my wisdom teeth yanked, and I am currently residing in the Black Hole of Suck or what it is commonly called work by some people. My company is launching a new website this week so you will not hear much from me until next week.

Enjoy your Labor Day weekend. Please don’t labor too much, and remember the restroom is for customers only.

Thursday, August 23, 2007


How about 5 0r 6 reasons someone might think I am gay.

  1. I am sensitive.
  2. I like to shop.
  3. My favorite song that I like to karaoke to is "I Want it That Way" by The Backstreet Boys.
  4. I do a lot of manscaping – plucking, tweezing, and shaving of the body hair.
  5. My ringtone is the "The Final Countdown" by Europe.
  6. And I don't know how I overlooked this one (Thank you Phats for reminding me), but I have a strange obsession with David Hasselhoff.

Actually there could be 15 or 20 reasons. I could fit every homosexual stereotype there is but there will always be one overriding factor that makes me not gay – I don’t like balls bouncing off my chin. I was going to be a little more vulgar and say something like a cock in my mouth, but I decided to … ooops I did it anyway.

But someone might say how do you know Mr. Shife if you never tried it? And Mr. Shife would say it is just one of those things where Mr. Shife (Don’t you hate it when people talk about themselves in third person) is 100% positive he doesn’t need to try it to be certain he would not like it. Like I know I don’t want to circumnavigate the world with Flavor Flav or spend an intimate evening with Star Jones or have an Ambushed Paddington or join the Michael Vick fan club. I will never do any of those things because I know me, and me will not like.

That’s all for this week folks. The next time we speak I will be minus two molars and enjoying life in an altered state. I hope I get some awesome pain meds. Have a great weekend. Talk to you soon.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007


Here are some random acts of Shifeness:
  • Great line from Jon Stewart: "It seems like Michael Vick is going to jail for dog fighting. Hopefully, they won't have guard dogs."
  • A great way for your four-legged furry friend to show his disapproval of Michael Vick, check out the link.
  • So what do you do if your Xbox 360 is overheating? Some people might turn it off or point a fan at it. But not this kid. The dumbass of the day award goes to this teenager in North Carolina, check it out.
  • Black hole of suck, no this is not a move similar to an Ambushed Paddington, but that is how I will describe my job next week. We are launching a new website, and no matter how many safeguards and preventive measures are in place something will go wrong.
  • Having a heart attack sucks, dying from it really sucks, but what about dying from a heart attack while wearing your wife’s bra and mini-skirt. Dare I say it again? Yes I dare. That is the black hole of suck. Read all about it here.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007


I have been extremely busy at work with just my normal activities, but lately it seems like every time I leave my desk I return to a bright red light flashing on my phone indicating that I have a new voice mail.

Suck it voice mail.

Actually I would not mind the voice mails if there were better options when I accessed that phone feature.

To wish explosive diarrhea upon someone – press 1
To lock a frisky but crestfallen raccoon in someone’s car – press 2
To assault someone with clever dialogue and Cornish game hens – press 3
For a 12-pack of Coors Light – press 4
For a Happy Ending – press 5
To drive a railroad spike through the face of whomever left you a voicemail – press 6
To be serenaded by David Hasselhoff – press 7
To make someone’s house smell like a turd covered in burnt hair – press 8
To go home, have some dinner, and pop in a Sisqo CD – press 9

P.S. It was difficult but there is no mention of an Ambushed Paddington in the above post. I think I might be over my quest to be in Google's top rankings for Ambushed Paddington. But then again maybe I am not. I mean is it really that weird if I want to target my blog to people who search for Ambushed Paddington on Google. Yes, you are right. It is weird. I need help.

Monday, August 20, 2007


Sorry this is not a post about dropping a deuce. But if that is your thing feel free to check this out. It makes you wonder how you made it this far in life without a Bathroom Louie. That is all the research I can do without running across something really disgusting.

Well today’s topic is about me. I ran a half-marathon last year, and was disappointed in how I finished. It took me two hours to run 13.1 miles, and I knew I could do a lot better. So I ran another one this past weekend and finished in 1:39.21, which is a lot more satisfactory to me and the fat basset. FB, as he likes to be called in the training world, is a pretty demanding coach and he has been telling me to get my stinkin’ mind right for a long time. And how did I celebrate completing my run? Well I actually cried almost. I got a blood blister underneath my toenail and it hurt a lot. Not as much as riding a bike with the seat missing down a bumpy street, but it still hurt. And it did not hurt as much as getting an Ambushed Paddington on your favorite teddy bears. Just in case you were wondering.

Seriously look in that teddy's bears eyes. He is just begging for an Ambushed Paddington. It is like he is taunting you. That frickin' evil stuffed fake bear.

Sunday, August 19, 2007


I am getting my wisdom teeth yanked this Friday. In honor of this spectacular event, I will be posting 5 times this week. Just in case I lose my wisdom after these molars are extracted there will be a record of how wise I once was. Actually I just want to see if I can post 5 times in a week. It is hard to believe that I actually posted like this on a regular basis. So what do I have on my mind today? "Superbad." This is by far and away the funniest movie I have seen since "Old School." It is vulgar, offensive, and rude, but I loved every minute of it. "Superbad" is officially the best movie of the 2007 summer season. What is your choice?

Here are two quotes from "Superbad":

Jules: You scratch our backs, we'll scratch yours.
Seth: Well, funny thing about my back, it is located on my cock.

Officer Michaels: McLovin?
Officer Slater: [pause] That's such a cool name.
Officer Michaels: I know. It sounds like a sexy hamburger.

P.S. Since I am no longer show up as an organic search for Ambushed Paddington on Google I figure I better talk about how an Ambushed Paddington can either make or break a relationship. I mean if guy does pull an Ambushed Paddington on his a lady friend she might get upset. I do show up as #5 on a Yahoo search for Ambushed Paddington so I got that going for me which is nice.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Death Sentences

Have you ever heard someone begin a sentence and you just thought to yourself, “This isn’t going to end well.” I like to call them death sentences. Basically if someone begins a conversation with the words below then the odds are pretty good that it is going to be ugly.

  • I was shaving my balls …
  • I put my finger in the bull's butt …
  • I went out drinking with Mel Gibson …
  • I went snorkeling naked ...
  • I was writing a check to a Nigerian prince I got an email from
  • The doctor said he had never seen anything like this before …
  • My friends and I decided to have sex with a corpse …
  • I woke up naked, with a bloody nose, and band-aids over my nipples …
  • I decided to stick some pieces of furniture up my rectum …
  • I drank 12 shots of Jagrmeister …
  • I was lighting one of my farts …
  • I was wearing pork-chop underwear at the zoo …
  • I went to see “Who’s Your Caddy”
  • I thought it was a girl …
  • I was juggling some hand grenades …
  • I went hunting with Dick Cheney ...

Friday, August 10, 2007

Getting my drink on

So you know what sucks? Going to work with a hangover. Holy cannoli.

I do not feel pretty right now. Mrs. Shife and I went to a concert last night, and we got there about 6:30. The show did not start until 10. Somebody in the band had a family emergency so the show got delayed. Anyway when the show did start it is safe to say that I had my drink on. I am trying to be a good worker and muddle my way through the day, but I don’t want to deal with anymore emails. I think I will put up a nice out-of-office reply. Which one do you like?

  1. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 8/18. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
  2. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
  3. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
  4. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
  5. I've run away to start a midget army.
  6. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as "Meredith" instead of "Matt."

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

You've Got Mail

Ever wonder what God's email inbox might look like?
I was just checking to see if he had time to answer mine.
It wasn't anything substantial like what is the meaning of the life or is Ted Koppel's hair real.
I just just wanted to know what his thoughts were on the merit of being a stunt cock. You know a gentleman who provides surplus semen, usually on demand, to an adult film.

Click on the picture if you want a bigger view

Friday, August 03, 2007

Mental Health is Overrated

Evidently I have reached my wit’s end. God that sentence makes me sound like I am 75. Pardon me, while I put on some tea, a Lawrence Welk album, and my adult diapers. OK, I need to get back on task. So basically I am running out of patience with some people I have to work with, and I am not sure what the consequences will be if I don’t channel my aggressions somewhere else. Will I go bat shit insane? Will I spend some time in jail because I sodomized their head with a spork? Will I teach a grizzly bear to play sudoku? Will I staple old family photos to my badly stained sweatpants?

See what I mean folks I think I am already losing my mind.

Maybe I just need a weekend of peace and relaxation.
Maybe I need to eat 27 pieces of pumpkin pie.
Maybe I need to find that great pumpkin Charlie Brown.
Maybe I should count all the references to Charlie Brown in Arrested Development.
Maybe I should change my name to George Michael Bluth.
Maybe I need to sing George Michael songs to my stuffed animals.

Well whatever maybe I go with I am sure it will be fun.

Have a great weekend.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Might as well

  • I might be inclined to watch this upcoming new show on NBC called “Journeyman” if it was about a guy who traveled back in time to try and save Journey from breaking up. Unfortunately, it is about something else. Don’t stop believin’.
  • I might have a man crush on David Beckham.
  • I might have huge arms in 8 weeks. At least that is what the Muscle & Fitness magazine I bought told me on the cover.
  • I might be watching gay porn, err, “300,” this week as it is now out on DVD.
  • I might be a giant.
  • I might be wearing Aqua-Man underoos and a trucker hat that says “I Brake For Clam Bakes.”
  • I might be taking a break from Diet Coke.
  • I might have read the fat basset’s personal journal. His latest entry said – What gets me hot: Country ham, farting into the heating system, and rubbing against Granny’s leg while she naps.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • I spent Thursday afternoon at one of the local parks because my department was having a teambuilding day. One of the activities we played was badminton. Someone suggested that we should play left-handed. I thought why not. I attempted to hit the badminton left-handed. I missed. But my follow-through connected squarely with my cash and prizes. I hit myself in the balls with a badminton racquet. Oh what a feeling.
  • Man I want to be an astronaut. Not only do you get to wear diapers, but evidently you can also get hammered while you are flying around in space. The story is right here. Talk about the right stuff. Your new space shuttle name is Buzz. Why Buzz? Why not!
  • I now pronounce you stupid. I saw the latest Adam Sandler movie “Chuck and Larry” last weekend. It was pretty unsatisfactory. It had a few laugh out loud moments but for the most part it sucked. So that is strike two on the movies I was looking forward to watching. First I was disappointed by “Knocked Up,” and now this one. “SuperBad” is my last hope.
  • I got the good news this week that I get to get my wisdom teeth pulled in August. I know you are all incredibly jealous. Please don’t envy me.
  • Not much else to say except have a good weekend and enjoy the cartoons.

Monday, July 23, 2007

New tagline???

I have an idea. It is offensive but I think it is funny. And in this case funny is greater than offensive. Have you heard of reparative or conversion therapy? Basically it is a method of trying to convert someone back to the heterosexual side. I think it is a load of crap, and don't buy it for one minute. But my twisted mind thought of a great tagline for a conversion therapy camp for men:
Think outside the bun.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Random Acts of Shifeness

Holy tiny little balls of semi-solid waste material from the digestive tract via the anus. Two posts in one week from me. I am trying but I have been busy. Have a great weekend.

  • It has taken me nearly 30 years but it finally dawned on me yesterday. What did the movie Star Wars really teach me? Was it good versus evil or the long-term effect of slavery - be it literal or figurative or how to use the force? Nope, none of the above. It is simply make sure you know your family tree before kissing a girl on the mouth.
  • I recently cleaned out some clothes from my closet. I used to think that I had pretty good taste in my apparel choices but some of the stuff that will be featured at a Goodwill store near you makes me wonder if I was high when I bought some of these items. Seriously a lot of these shirts I got rid of were straight out of the “I’m Not Having Sex Catalog.”
  • Speaking of bad clothing choices, I think I have a great idea for a store. You know those Build a Bear stores they have at every mall. Well how about Design some Chaps store. I could cater to the gay clientèle or just whoever would like a pair of assless chaps (are there any other kind of chaps?). These people can come in and design a pair of chaps however they want it. Just like the little ones do with the bears. It is solid gold I tell you.
  • I know people are innocent until proven guilty, but it does not look good for you Michael Vick. The whole dog fighting scene, which he admits to being a part of, is cruel and unnecessary. I really think Vick should have to strap on some pork chop underwear and then we can see how fast and elusive he really is when the dogs are chasing him.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Suck it ESPN

When did SportsCenter become pussified?
My apologies ladies if I offend thee, but ESPN's signature show has definitely lost its man luggage. They are running this segment called Who's Now, which is a daily series in which fans and users help SportsCenter determine the ultimate sports star by considering both on-field success and off-field buzz to decide who is now.

Is ESPN latin for gay? I think next month SportsCenter will decide which male athlete's ass they would like to use for hand warmers. Maybe the SportsCenter hosts can start dressing like their favorite Spartan from the movie "300." I fully expect them to give each other Roman helmets.

And it gets worse. Frickin' ESPN personality Stuart Scott hosts a discussion with some talking hair-dos to get their take on Who's Now. Have you looked directly at Stuart Scott? Don't. The man has a crazy eye and it will steal your soul. Quit eyeballing me dog.

Come on Worldwide Leader in Sports get back to your roots. How about you show me highlights and then some more highlights? And then when you are done with that you can show me some more highlights.

Who's Now? I don't know. But if someone gave Stuart Scott a Roman helmet they would get my vote; however watch out for that eye.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Bald and Beautiful

I saw a bald dude wearing a Make a Wish foundation shirt at the gym the other day, and the sadistic side of me just started howling on the inside. The guy is probably an awesome person who helps grant little kids really great wishes, but all I could think about is how this guy's wish would be to have a full head of hair. It falls under the same twisted sense of humor like like the fat guy wearing a t-shirt that says "I Beat Anorexia."

Friday, July 06, 2007

Every dog has its day

Especially when they are a freak of frickin' nature.
I still don't know who let the dogs out, but if they look like this beast I am staying inside especially during the dog days of summer.
Holy raw hides Batman. I feel sorry for the cats in this dog's neighborhood.
You can't teach an old dog new tricks but evidently you can teach them how to get huge arms in 8 weeks.
OK enough of this silliness.
Do you really want to see this so-called animal?
Can you handle the truth?
This will blow your mind so be prepared because there is no turning back once you click on this link. No not that one -- this one.

The fat basset will definitely not have any play dates with Wendy.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Pissed off

My place of emplyoment requires that I dress business professional. So for the most part I have to look respectable and must leave the "Rock Out With Your Cock Out" t-shirt at home. And occasionally at work I have to take a piss and so that requires me to visit the bathroom and take care of business. After my business transaction I proceed to the counter to wash my hands. Cleanliness is next to godliness after all. More often than not there is huge pile of water all over the counter. Evidently the counter doubles as a bath for wayward animals when I am not around or something. Seriously, I swear there is a water fairy that comes in every day and just shoots his watery load all over. Anyway when I brush up against the counter I get water spots all over my pants. So it looks like pecker tracks or like I pissed myself. We only have hand towels in the bathroom so I have to grab the towels and start cleaning up the mess. I look like a perv when some dude walks in and I am going to town on my pants trying to dry up the spill. And if I get too carried away then somebody wakes up and that is a whole different problem. They need to invent some sort of guard that can run along these counters so you don't look like you pissed all over your self. I imagine something like a hockey rink where they have the glass all around the rink. I don't know it is just my completely random thought of the day.

P.S. Thank you to everyone who voted and, drumroll please, Dorothy won by a landslide. I might change it back to my original photo after a bit but for now I am going with my drag queen photo.

Have a good weekend.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Picture this

A request has been made by one of my favorite Canadians of all-time. She ranks right up there with Canadian bacon, Molson, Jack Bauer, and peeler bars. The cougar aka Cher has asked that I put a new photo up in my profile so below you will find 5 choices and the one with the most votes wins. It is sort of like American Idol but not as gay. Vote away my friends and have a great weekend.






Friday, June 15, 2007

Random Acts of Shifeness

• So what did you think of the Sopranos finale? My thoughts, in case you care, are I watch TV to be entertained and a little bit of closure would have been nice. I did say a few naughty words when the show faded to black.

• I am already disappointed with my first summer movie crush this year, “Knocked Up.” I did like the film, but I guess my expectations were a little high and I was dissatisfied. My next two crushes are “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry” and “Superbad.”

• I don’t think I have ever uttered the phrase “I wish I was in Omaha,” but I really wish I could go hang out there this weekend and watch the College World Series.

• Here are a few things I don’t need to see again anytime soon: A pair of balls that people are hanging from their trailer hitch, a bumper sticker that says “My other ride has tits,” and a very scary and manly looking transsexual at our local grocery store.

• And you know what else I don’t need to see, the frickin’ volleyball scene from “Top Gun.” OK, hear me out. I am a dude watching this kick-butt movie about fighter pilots and all the cool things that go along with that like partying, flying planes, chasing girls, etc. Then we go to a scene on the beach where all these topless dudes are oiled up, rolling around in the sand, wearing some seriously tight blue jeans, and playing volleyball. It is very jarring to the heterosexual male to go from an awesome action movie to a gay porn scene.

Have a great weekend.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Special Edition DVDs

First off, thanks for the playing the game, and most of you were correct in choosing D. Fortunately, my Lionel Richie t-shirt is sealed in a vault located 13 miles below the surface, and guarded by two rabid hyenas called Hassel and Hoff so there is no danger of it being ruined.

Now on today's topic, the DVD. I have spent some time on this topic before but I feel the need to vent again. I love movies so naturally I love the DVD. I am amassing my own private collection which may border on obsession since I am running out of storage space again. But there is one problem with DVDs and that is what the frick is the deal with releasing 7 different versions of the same movie. There is the original release, then the special edition, then the super special edition with extra features, then the super special edition with commentary from some really important douche bag, then the not-so-super special edition with a coupon for a hand job from a circus midget named Charlie. OK, I exaggerate but seriously it blows when you buy a DVD of a show or movie you love and then they release the ultimate collection or the unrated version a few months later. It is all just some horse crap marketing circle jerk and it pisses me off.

Thank you, and have a lovely day.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Back for more

Greetings everyone. I am back from my vacation and I had a good time. I just wish I could vacation more, and work less. Maybe in my next life. Well I figured we could play a game today. Can you guess which one of these things did not happen on my trip?

a) I met a guy who got kicked out of a strip club because he tried to tip the dancers with coupons.

b) I went to visit my four-year-old nephew, and he jumped out of his closet completely naked and made me wrestle with him like we were both in the WWE.

c) I felt like I was in a horror movie because of the swarm of Cicada bugs hitting Illinois this year. I guess they come out every 17 years, and there are billions of them in the state. It was weird jogging near my parent’s house and hearing these creepy bug sounds as you were running by.

d) I got circumcised by a cougar, my Lionel Richie shirt got ruined, and I didn’t learn dick about butter churning.