Friday, February 24, 2017

Random Acts of Shifeness - Cats & Dogs

  • I have a new update in the continuing saga of "What did Ms. Frizzle eat this week?" If you chose brown electrical cord, then you are this week's winner. For the love of sweet hockey mullets, I don't know what this dog will not try to eat. 
  • Ms. Frizzle also got fixed this week. She was unlike herself for a day and then it was back to her normal activities like eating electrical cords. We were also told by the vet that she can't run or jump for two weeks because she has staples where they made the incision. I'm sure that will be no problem at all. The one consistent quality Ms. Frizzle has shown since we had her is that she just likes to lie around on the couch and just sleep all day. As Ricky Bobby might say: "Help me Jesus! Help me Jewish God! Help me Allah! AAAAAHHH! Help me Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off me!"

  • I might be adding cat herder to my resume. We have an irresponsible neighbor who has at least 4 cats that roam our neighborhood and do as they please. The cats have even gone into other people's homes and gone the bathroom inside the houses. I contacted our city officials and was told that if they come on my property they are trespassing and I can rent an animal trap to try and catch them. If I do catch them then I should take them to the Humane Society. Lucky me. I get to pay for an animal trap and also spend some of my free time dealing with someone else's lack of responsibility and consideration. Good times.

  • I posted my dilemma on a neighborhood website to see if anyone had some tips on how to handle the problem. Just in case you were worried, there are still of plenty of whack jobs living in the good old US of A. I was told to "be more tolerant and let the cats do their thing." I was also told how "disappointed" someone was of me for taking this approach. But this man wins the prize for his suggestion:
  • Kyle and Hayden are ready for some warmer weather. And also doing their best to not smile when we take their picture. 

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

Friday, February 17, 2017

Never Say Never

Because you never know and definitely don't do a Google search for "Never Say Never" because that's a Justin Beiber song and now Google is going to think I'm a Belieber, and for the love of frickin' fat bassets, I don't need that haunting me like a bad Ambushed Paddington story.
I didn't expect to go in that direction when I started this post.
A Bieber reference and the first mention of an Ambushed Paddington in a long time.
It's a shame.
I used to have one of the top searches for Ambushed Paddington but now I'm on page 3.
I need to step up my game.
And for those of you unfamiliar with an Ambushed Paddington.
Go do a Google search.
Or you can visit one of my old posts.
Take your time. I'll be waiting here.
Are you back?
More importantly, are we still friends?
I guess I should get on with my post instead of rambling on.
What is this?
A Donald Trump press conference?

Thanks Mr. Koala for the rimshot.
So I'm doing some things that I thought I would never be doing and here they are:

  • Going to work out at 6 a.m. I have never been a fan of the early morning workout. I am a huge fan of being asleep at 6 in the morning but it just works out best for our schedules right now. 
  • Sriracha sauce. I have been on a spicy kick lately and just loving this stuff. I'm sure doctors will come out in a few years and tell you that it will turn your pubic hair purple. But I look good in purple and the sriracha binge will continue.
  • Having a different breed of dog other than a basset hound. I have had bassets all my life and still miss having one, but Ms. Frizzle has won me over. However, she just needs to quit eating our stuff. Below is a picture of what we used to call bicycle helmets. Now the kids have to ride around with pillows duck taped to their heads. Darn you, Frizzle.

  • OK, so maybe the pillow helmet isn't the best idea. I went looking for new helmets and never thought I would get excited about buying the kids new ones. But I did. I found some awesome ones. Kyle loves R2D2 and Hayden loves unicorns. Who has two thumbs and just won Dad of the year? This guy. 

  • Dying my pubic hair purple. I wasn't going to wait around for the sriracha sauce to kick in. I'm a mover and shaker. And full of it. Come on now, you know me better than that.
    I dyed them neon yellow. Cause, hello, that's a way better look for a middle-aged white guy.  

Well, that's all. Have a great week and thanks for stopping by.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Friday, February 10, 2017

Kyle's Weekend in Photos

Kyle had a pretty good weekend, and I captured some of it on my phone. You might have to click on a few of them to zoom in and see him.

They started a new awards program at Kyle's school and he received a math and reading award. Definitely a proud poppa moment. He didn't know he was getting an award, but he told me he thought he might be getting one when he saw me at the school. He said I wouldn't just show up unless it was something important. He's a very astute young man. 

We went to Red Robin to celebrate Kyle's achievements. Not a lot of chatter at the table as Kyle and Hayden were busy playing games that required their absolute attention. 

Kyle and I went to the Science and Technology fair at the local university and he spent some time building a skyscraper. He even took the time to put a fence around the building. And if you look at the first photo, you will notice that he also put some floors in some of the rooms.

They had a photo booth at the fair. And this first picture cracks me up. I'm not sure what he was doing. I guess he was a little surprised that it actually took his picture or maybe he was just doing his best impression of a person who just heard that Donald Trump was really our president. 

This is the face he makes when we ask him to "smile." 

And this is Kyle just being Kyle. There might be some photographic evidence out there that I might this same kind of face. I guess the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree. And in case you can't read it, he's holding a sign that says "Future Engineer." He has been saying since he was 5 that he's going to be an engineer that builds flying cars. 

Thanks for stopping by.
Talk soon.
Have a nice weekend.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Friday, February 03, 2017

Mr. Shife's Screen Shots

I was cleaning up the computer and noticed I had a few saved screen shots that needed to be shared before they went off to the recycle bin. So enjoy or you can just tell me how awesome I am. Either way it's cool. Do what you want because, you know, like it's a free country (At least I think it's still free ... this week).

 Taking head is definitely a different way to handle your PR problems. 

 I must have hit the Eastern European Target ads when I did a search last Christmas.

 I see what you did there, Pizza Hut. And I really don't miss working in digital advertising. 

Am I the only who thinks pooping in a ninja costume happens way more than laughing at a blind guy eating spaghetti? Oh it is just me. I just think there are more ninjas with loose bowls than there are blind guys eating spaghetti in public. 

I had to make this picture a little bigger to really show off those eyebrows. Do you think she got this done professionally or just tinkered at home to get the spermatozoa look?
Any guesses on the look she goes for below the border? 

Thanks for stopping by.
Talk to you soon.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

Friday, January 27, 2017

What Did Ms. Frizzle Eat This Week?

Your shoes? What are shoes?
I'm only a puppy and incapable of doing anything like that.
I'm man's best friend and I only want to bring you joy.
But, seriously, I should be able to open up those closet doors in about a month or two and those shoes are toast. I can't wait to get my paws on those suckers.
I'm probably going to bury them in 12 feet of snow just because that sounds like fun and I also like it when you say "God dammit" a lot.
Have a nice day, dummy.

I have a feeling it will be easier to write an update titled "What Didn't Ms. Frizzle Eat This Week?"
The yellow-bellied beast has all of her adult teeth coming in right now and boy, oh boy is that fun.
I think I might be mispronouncing "for the love all that is holy, Ms. Frizzle is going to be living in a van down by the river soon."
Isn't that how you say fun?
I have never been good with English. It's so tricky.
Part of me wonders if we have welcomed the "Fat Bastard" character from the "Austin Powers" movies into our abode. For those of you unfamiliar with my reference, Fat Bastard is a morbidly obese henchman from Scotland trying to destroy the aforementioned Mr. Powers. And in one of his more memorable scenes, he does this:

Here's a list of the Frizzle casualties for the week:
  • Several rolls of toilet paper
  • Stick of butter
  • Popsicle stick house
  • Floss sticks
  • Dominoes 
  • My tears 
  • Stuffed animals 
  • Ski goggles 
  • Shoes
  • Double sided ... wait for it ... tape. =) 
  • A bag of leaves
  • Earrings
  • The last piece of pizza 
  • A lint roller brush
  • Plastic cups
  • A bag of trash 
  • Mrs. Shife's patience 
  • Stuffed animals 
  • And a partridge in a pear tree (OK. Not really. But it just felt right adding this to this list?)

But I think we'll keep her.
Kyle seems to kind of like her. 

Thanks for stopping by.
Talk to you soon.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Friday, January 20, 2017

A 604,800 Second Recap

Or, for those of you scoring at home, a week.
  • Saturday - Hayden was pretty excited to don a gi and kick some stuff. Or maybe she wanted to kick Don and get some stuff. I have a hard time understanding her sometimes. Plus, Don is a real dick so you can see why I could get confused. But she appeared to be satisfied that I took her to her first karate class. 

  • Sunday - Death by Labrador. I took Ms. Frizzle for a walk and her canine senses must have been affected by the frigid arctic temperatures because she took me over a big patch of ice and down went Mr. Shife. I just wanted to lay there and cry but I was afraid my tears would freeze my eyes shut. Worst. Winter. Ever. We got snow, we got cold, we got freezing rain, we got ice dams, we got politicians sticking their hands in their own pockets ... well, you get the picture but here's a GIF in case you needed help. 

  • Monday - Martin Luther King Day. This quote of his seems appropriate right now with all that's going on with our new president.

  • Tuesday - It's January 17th and back to school for only the third time this month. Lots and lots of snow days this year. 

  • Wednesday - Saying goodnight to Hayden and trying to keep a straight face because Ms. Frizzle is dry humping one of Hayden's stuffed animals right behind her. I didn't think girl dogs did that but they most certainly do, and Ms. Frizzle was working that stuffed animal over like it owed her money or something. Here's terrible reenactment from a terrier and Pokemon doll.

  • Thursday - Well golly darn. You will never guess what happened? Another snow day for the kids. We got another couple inches of snow last night that turned to freezing rain and everyone woke up needing ice skates to get from point A to point B. Have I mentioned this is the worst winter ever? 

  • Friday - I think everyone knows what happened today. No need to remind you or do I? Of course, I am talking about the anniversary of  Hong Kong being ceded to the British back in 1841. What else would I be talking about? Did something of importance happen today? 

Enjoy your weekend.
Thanks for stopping by.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Friday, January 13, 2017

The First Random Acts of Shifeness of 2017

  • Ms. Frizzle's mortal enemies appear to be literacy and clean floors. She's extremely unwavering in her desire to eat every book she can get her jaws around and she's also furiously determined to devour a push broom. The publications and sweeping device are learning that hell hath no vengeance like a Labrador puppy. It can also be very tiring. And nothing is better than taking a nap on a pile of clean clothes. 
  • Kyle read a message I wrote on a dry-erase board that said: "Does this add value to your life?" It's a phrase I picked up from a podcast to help me in my efforts to not buy stuff. We have too much in the Shifley household and a lot of stuff that doesn't add value to our lives. Anyway, Kyle read it and then asked me if the hooded sweatshirt I was wearing brought value to my life. I said it does because it keeps me warm. Then he asked me if my goatee brought me value. I had to think about that one for a moment and I told him that it saves me time because I don't have to shave my whole face and thus brings me value. Kyle found that answer unacceptable and asked again. I thought a little longer and told him that it brings me value because Mrs. Shife finds my goatee sexy and irresistible so I get lots of kisses from her. Kyle then immediately left the room and then I heard, "Momma, do you find Daddy's goatee sketchy?"
    Mrs. Shife and I both laughed out loud a lot.   
  • The place I call home - Boise, Idaho - has seen more snow than any year since 1892. We have had 29.2 inches since Dec. 1. For some reason, this thought popped into my head:
  • If a flight attendant says "See you next time" as you're leaving the plane ... well that's not a good thing. It's code for "Eff you." Read all about it here.
  • It's Friday the 13th and a full moon. Should be an interesting day. 

Thanks for stopping by. Talk to you soon.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.