Friday, December 19, 2014

That's Going To Leave A Mark

Well it was bound to happen especially since he is my son.
If you have followed this blog at all then you know that I occasionally have to take a visit to the doctor because I have this horrible habit of getting hurt.
Why can't I have a habit of picking winning lottery tickets?
Just this year I had an encounter with a bee and a softball that led to an undesired rendezvous with a qualified practitioner of medicine twice.
So I was surprised and thankful that we had not had to take Kyle in a lot sooner for an unscheduled visit to the doctor.
Our luck run out last Sunday as I was walking the husky hound and got the phone call.
Mrs. Shife suggested that I return home in a prompt manner because Kyle had an accident at the playground. He ran into some metal playground equipment with his head, and guess who won that battle.
If you said playground equipment, you are a big winner.
He went off to the doc in the box and returned home about 2 hours after, as Kyle put it, "they glued my head back together."
No stitches but lots of glue for the Red Power Ranger.
Oh did I forget to mention that he was wearing this costume when he got hurt and kept it on when he saw the physician.

No mask though.
He did have it with him but took it off right before the accident.
I don't know if it would have prevented the injury but it might have helped.
Anyway the doctor got a nice kick putting the Red Power Ranger back together and Kyle was a brave boy through the whole process.
Below are the before and after pictures of my little man and he's doing fine 5 days later. He's starting to get a little ripe since he hasn't been able to take a bath since Sunday but that's alright.
Thanks for stopping by.

 Before the glue

After the glue

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

Friday, December 12, 2014

Random Acts of Shifeness

-- Do you think angels fart? First, you have to believe in angels then you have to believe that they are flying around out there dropping the occasional cornhole tremors on unsuspecting humans. I bring this up because occasionally I'll be walking to work and just run into some phenomenally disgusting ass matter. There's no one around but me, and I know it wasn't me so … farting angels? I'm sure there's a perfectly acceptable scientific explanation but in my mind it makes more sense to believe in sphincter whistling spiritual beings.
-- Mrs. Shife and I actually had a weekend evening where we were not completely exhausted and not a lot going on so we rented a movie. We watched "Sex Tape" starring Cameron Diaz and Jason Segel. Horrible. Not as horrible as walking in on a midget shitting in a bucket but close. You have to admit if you walk in on a midget shitting in a bucket then your day has pretty much gone to hell.
-- Does anyone make a to-do list and then add stuff they have already done to make the list look better? My to-do list for the week was looking horrible so I added a few items because my self-esteem needed a boost. Wake up. EatReward yourself with a nap. 
-- A new favorite quote: "No day but today." Sometimes I'm always looking forward or behind but never looking at what is right in front of me and appreciating the present.
-- I'm a doing a new workout at a gym where Mrs. Shife teaches classes. She finally talked me into it and so far so good. They are along the lines of the P90X or Insanity types of workouts. Anyway, I feel a little out of place because some days I'm the only one not wearing yoga pants. I was tempted to look up yoga pants for men but I was really, really afraid of the images that I might not be able to unsee. And in case you are wondering, no I will not wear yoga pants.
-- That is all. Have a great weekend. Talk to you soon.

A picture of Kyle and Hayden being Kyle and Hayden. Love these two so much.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Friday, December 05, 2014

I Can't Unsee That

I don't go into my gym's locker room often because I just wear my workout clothes to the gym and then head home but I had to make another trip in there recently because I used the sauna.
And of course it happened.
I have seen a lot of strange things in my life but without a doubt the chances of weirdness increases exponentially when I visit that darn locker room.

First there was the the time I walked in on the middle of the old naked guys club. Still have nightmares about Skeletor and his crew discussing gravity's effect on their ball sack.
Then there was the time some dude thought blow drying his pubes completely naked was an acceptable and outstanding idea.

Now there is a new menace in the locker room. The manscaper.

I was leaving the locker room and things were going great as there were no trauma to my ocular cavities but that changed faster than I could I say "Just wait a hot shit minute!"
I went into to wash my hands in the sink area and there he was.
Some dude with one leg hiked up on the counter grooming his private parts.
Well they weren't very private as he was just hanging out with his wang out grooming away with his electric trimmer.
Seriously this is where you want to shave your balls?
I know I need to get out more often but when I see stuff like this I think maybe being at home and watching Tank scoot his furry butt across the carpet is enough excitement for me.
Maybe I am just a grumpy, old man and need to take it easy.
But I just feel there's a time and place to trim your pubes and it's certainly not in the men's locker room. Unless of course we are playing the worst game ever "Hey Look. It's My Penis" and then I need to find a new gym.
Have a good weekend.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Random Acts Of Shifeness - Thanksgiving Version

  • First and foremost, Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours. Hope you have a wonderful day.
  • Favorite Thanksgiving food: Pumpkin pie and stuffing.
  • Kyle's favorite Thanksgiving food: Well according to the cookbook he made in kindergarten it's green beans and he said this is how they are made, "Crack eggs in a bowl then put flour and sugar in - no green beans needed because it just tastes like green beans - put it in the oven, cook for 8-10 minutes." I'm not sure if Kyle is entirely sure what green beans are. 
  • Favorite Thanksgiving trip: Going to Reno with Mrs. Shife to do some skiing in 2006. No kids, no curfews and a long weekend in the biggest little city in the world. Reno didn't get enough snow so we had to find other ways to entertain ourselves and we had a blast.
  • Favorite Thanksgiving memory: Bringing Little Miss Hayden home. She was born on a Monday, and we brought her home Tuesday, which was two days before the turkey extravaganza.
  • Favorite movie with a Thanksgiving theme: "Planes, Trains and Automobiles." 
  • Finally a Thanksgiving gift - well at least I hope you think it's a gift - to you. If you are interested in my book but haven't got around to buying it, well I have a deal for you. It's FREE to download on Amazon until Friday so get over there. Here's the LINK

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Friday, November 21, 2014

Happy Birthday Hayden

A few photos from her big day as my little baby doll is now 3. She had a good day and I think the highlight for me was when we were picking up Kyle from school and she told me, "She wanted to wait to eat her cake until Kyle was ready because he was her best friend." Some days I feel like Mrs. Shife might be doing alright at this parenting game.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

Friday, November 14, 2014

Code Brown

Are you familiar with the term "code brown"?
It basically means you are about to shit yourself, which is not a good thing unless you are 9-months-old and sporting some Huggies.
I recently had a code brown moment.
I was looking at the browser history on my computer because I was trying to remember a site I visited that had some birthday present ideas for a 3-year-old girl (yes, believe it or not, Hayden turns 3 in 7 days. Another code brown moment, huh?)
As I am perusing the sites that I frequented, I start to see some highly unusual activity.
There's and the 10 best foods for pregnancy.
There's and the best foods to eat while pregnant.
There's and what to eat when you are expecting.
The only other person to use my computer is …
Mrs. Shife.
Holy crap.
Is she?
No way.
I got fixed.
I'm sterile.
I'm like a Christmas tree.
I only have ornamental balls.
I mean I guess there's a chance that my team could still score a touchdown.
A small chance.
Like one out of a million.
So you're telling me there's a chance.
My boys are ALIVE!
I take a moment to give myself a high-five.
Then I realize this isn't a good thing.
We are going to need a new house.
A new car.
A new attitude.
A new vasectomy.
For the love of husky hounds, what the frick is going on?
We can't have another baby.
After going through all of the doomsday scenarios, I call Mrs. Shife to see if there's anything new she would like to discuss with me.
She says she might want to try out a new yoga class this weekend.
Anything else I say.
Nope she says.
I then proceed to tell her what I discovered on my computer and that I filled up my undies with fecal matter because I don't think I can handle another kid.
Nothing on the other end of the line from Mrs. Shife.
I'm not a smart man but my relationship translator is telling me that this is no bueno.
More silence.
I'm about to fill up my pants again.
Then laughter.
Lots of laughter.
Turns out Mrs. Shife was looking up information for a good friend of hers who just found out she was pregnant.
Being the compassionate, wonderful woman that she is, Mrs. Shife decided not to torture me because she could have made me twist in the wind for as long as wanted.
Thank you Mrs. Shife for having mercy on me.
And thank you Dr. Hodges for making sure that I'm shooting blanks.

We had a snow day today in Boise Idaho. Almost 8 inches. The kiddos were pretty excited. 

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

Friday, October 31, 2014

Shifetober 31st

“It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.” – Ernest Hemingway 
The journey ends today as my book has been officially released into the wild.
It’s been a long road to get to this point with numerous ups and downs but Big Ern pretty much summed it up best as I have learned a lot during this journey. The most important takeaway from this excursion is that I have an amazing network of family and friends, and your support, generosity and all-around awesomeness makes me grateful that I have you in my life. Thank you for everything and I will be forever in your debt for helping make one of my dreams come true. Where I go from here is a mystery but I do look forward to a new set of adventures. And for those of you still chasing your dreams – since we are on a journey theme – don’t stop believing. 
P.S. Thanks for making me cry at work this morning Lee. Your review was absolutely wonderful. A perfect way to end this chapter of my journey.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.