Friday, March 17, 2017

The Things I Thought This Week

  • I'm a lucky dude.
    I met the beautiful, talented, amazing, generous, gracious, caring, and compassionate Mrs. Shife almost 20 years ago. It was shortly after her birthday two decades ago that we crossed paths and look what happened. Happy birthday to my lovely wife.

    "I swear I couldn't love you more than I do right now,
    and yet I know I will tomorrow."

  • Daylight Savings Time.
    It's just the universe giving parents a giant middle finger. It's so awesome telling your kids it's time for a bed while the sun is still shining said no parent ever.  
  • Brad Paisley and the song “Ticks.”
    Are you familiar with this song? Brad Paisley is one of my favorite country artists but this song is just redonkulous. You have to be a special kind of person that gets all sappy when you hear a line like "I'd like to check you for ticks." I wonder if singers make bets with other singers like "Wanna bet that I can't write a #1 song about bloodsucking bugs?"  
  • Why does this drive me crazy?
    Someone is selling a used copy of my book on Amazon. Someone that had me sign it. I shouldn't care but I do and I want to buy it to know who sold it. Am I crazy? 
  • Why have I not been told that unicorn farts are available online?
    I have been just a click away from spreading humor because it's a scientific fact that farts in a bag are funny. 
  • Why did I get a yellow lab puppy?
    This thought was initiated once again by a series of events that included her eating a third tube of toothpaste, a second set of bicycle helmets, and my lunch in the span of 48 hours. Then I remembered that she's pretty adorable and the kids seem to like her.

  • I wonder if the flux capacitor is broken?
    It's not every day that you see a DeLorean. I wonder if they were sent back in time to fix some recent mistakes that people might have made. Hmmmm, if I could only think of a big mistake that people made recently? Everything things to be running smoothly. There don't seem to be any big problems trumping other stuff so I guess we are good. 

  • Thanks for stopping by. Talk to you soon.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Friday, March 10, 2017

218 Words Mostly About Hayden

  • My darling Hayden Belle has a new obsession and it's a movie called "Trolls." I think she has watched it 17 times in the past two weeks. She is singing all of the songs, doing all of the dancing, and incorporating the lines into her daily dialogue. One of the characters, Poppy, says "Classic" when another character does something of long-lasting entertainment. And Hayden has totally picked up on it.
    My favorite has to be this:
    Hayden: "Daddy, can you get me some milk, please?"
    Me aka Daddy: "No." (said in a sarcastic tone)
    Hayden: "Classic Daddy."
    And we all giggle.

  • Hayden got registered for kindergarten this week. I felt super old when they mentioned that she will be in the class of 2030. 
  • Hayden had a conversation with her cousin.
    Hayden's cousin: "Hayden, what is your middle name?"
    Hayden: "Baby Doll."
    I think I have mentioned on here that is what I call her sometimes. I also call her Hayden Belle but it looks she's liking Baby Doll a lot more. 
  • Hayden took a picture while Mrs. Shife was getting her hair cut.
  • Hayden likes it when her "puppy wuppy" sleeps with her.

Thanks for listening last week and offering kind words and thoughts.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Friday, March 03, 2017

GIFs ... Take Me Away

It's been one of those days that feels a lot like the GIFs below.
I need to laugh at someone else's problems because I don't want to think about mine.
I thought I could talk about it more but I can't.
I also don't want to be too vague because I don't want you to worry
I just got some bad news last night about a four-legged friend that I miss terribly and love a lot.
Most of you long-time readers know who I'm talking about but I just don't feel like getting into all of the details right now. Thank you for understanding.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

Friday, February 24, 2017

Random Acts of Shifeness - Cats & Dogs

  • I have a new update in the continuing saga of "What did Ms. Frizzle eat this week?" If you chose brown electrical cord, then you are this week's winner. For the love of sweet hockey mullets, I don't know what this dog will not try to eat. 
  • Ms. Frizzle also got fixed this week. She was unlike herself for a day and then it was back to her normal activities like eating electrical cords. We were also told by the vet that she can't run or jump for two weeks because she has staples where they made the incision. I'm sure that will be no problem at all. The one consistent quality Ms. Frizzle has shown since we had her is that she just likes to lie around on the couch and just sleep all day. As Ricky Bobby might say: "Help me Jesus! Help me Jewish God! Help me Allah! AAAAAHHH! Help me Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off me!"

  • I might be adding cat herder to my resume. We have an irresponsible neighbor who has at least 4 cats that roam our neighborhood and do as they please. The cats have even gone into other people's homes and gone the bathroom inside the houses. I contacted our city officials and was told that if they come on my property they are trespassing and I can rent an animal trap to try and catch them. If I do catch them then I should take them to the Humane Society. Lucky me. I get to pay for an animal trap and also spend some of my free time dealing with someone else's lack of responsibility and consideration. Good times.

  • I posted my dilemma on a neighborhood website to see if anyone had some tips on how to handle the problem. Just in case you were worried, there are still of plenty of whack jobs living in the good old US of A. I was told to "be more tolerant and let the cats do their thing." I was also told how "disappointed" someone was of me for taking this approach. But this man wins the prize for his suggestion:
  • Kyle and Hayden are ready for some warmer weather. And also doing their best to not smile when we take their picture. 

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

Friday, February 17, 2017

Never Say Never

Because you never know and definitely don't do a Google search for "Never Say Never" because that's a Justin Beiber song and now Google is going to think I'm a Belieber, and for the love of frickin' fat bassets, I don't need that haunting me like a bad Ambushed Paddington story.
I didn't expect to go in that direction when I started this post.
A Bieber reference and the first mention of an Ambushed Paddington in a long time.
It's a shame.
I used to have one of the top searches for Ambushed Paddington but now I'm on page 3.
I need to step up my game.
And for those of you unfamiliar with an Ambushed Paddington.
Go do a Google search.
Or you can visit one of my old posts.
Take your time. I'll be waiting here.
Are you back?
More importantly, are we still friends?
I guess I should get on with my post instead of rambling on.
What is this?
A Donald Trump press conference?

Thanks Mr. Koala for the rimshot.
So I'm doing some things that I thought I would never be doing and here they are:

  • Going to work out at 6 a.m. I have never been a fan of the early morning workout. I am a huge fan of being asleep at 6 in the morning but it just works out best for our schedules right now. 
  • Sriracha sauce. I have been on a spicy kick lately and just loving this stuff. I'm sure doctors will come out in a few years and tell you that it will turn your pubic hair purple. But I look good in purple and the sriracha binge will continue.
  • Having a different breed of dog other than a basset hound. I have had bassets all my life and still miss having one, but Ms. Frizzle has won me over. However, she just needs to quit eating our stuff. Below is a picture of what we used to call bicycle helmets. Now the kids have to ride around with pillows duck taped to their heads. Darn you, Frizzle.

  • OK, so maybe the pillow helmet isn't the best idea. I went looking for new helmets and never thought I would get excited about buying the kids new ones. But I did. I found some awesome ones. Kyle loves R2D2 and Hayden loves unicorns. Who has two thumbs and just won Dad of the year? This guy. 

  • Dying my pubic hair purple. I wasn't going to wait around for the sriracha sauce to kick in. I'm a mover and shaker. And full of it. Come on now, you know me better than that.
    I dyed them neon yellow. Cause, hello, that's a way better look for a middle-aged white guy.  

Well, that's all. Have a great week and thanks for stopping by.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Friday, February 10, 2017

Kyle's Weekend in Photos

Kyle had a pretty good weekend, and I captured some of it on my phone. You might have to click on a few of them to zoom in and see him.

They started a new awards program at Kyle's school and he received a math and reading award. Definitely a proud poppa moment. He didn't know he was getting an award, but he told me he thought he might be getting one when he saw me at the school. He said I wouldn't just show up unless it was something important. He's a very astute young man. 

We went to Red Robin to celebrate Kyle's achievements. Not a lot of chatter at the table as Kyle and Hayden were busy playing games that required their absolute attention. 

Kyle and I went to the Science and Technology fair at the local university and he spent some time building a skyscraper. He even took the time to put a fence around the building. And if you look at the first photo, you will notice that he also put some floors in some of the rooms.

They had a photo booth at the fair. And this first picture cracks me up. I'm not sure what he was doing. I guess he was a little surprised that it actually took his picture or maybe he was just doing his best impression of a person who just heard that Donald Trump was really our president. 

This is the face he makes when we ask him to "smile." 

And this is Kyle just being Kyle. There might be some photographic evidence out there that I might this same kind of face. I guess the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree. And in case you can't read it, he's holding a sign that says "Future Engineer." He has been saying since he was 5 that he's going to be an engineer that builds flying cars. 

Thanks for stopping by.
Talk soon.
Have a nice weekend.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Friday, February 03, 2017

Mr. Shife's Screen Shots

I was cleaning up the computer and noticed I had a few saved screen shots that needed to be shared before they went off to the recycle bin. So enjoy or you can just tell me how awesome I am. Either way it's cool. Do what you want because, you know, like it's a free country (At least I think it's still free ... this week).

 Taking head is definitely a different way to handle your PR problems. 

 I must have hit the Eastern European Target ads when I did a search last Christmas.

 I see what you did there, Pizza Hut. And I really don't miss working in digital advertising. 

Am I the only who thinks pooping in a ninja costume happens way more than laughing at a blind guy eating spaghetti? Oh it is just me. I just think there are more ninjas with loose bowls than there are blind guys eating spaghetti in public. 

I had to make this picture a little bigger to really show off those eyebrows. Do you think she got this done professionally or just tinkered at home to get the spermatozoa look?
Any guesses on the look she goes for below the border? 

Thanks for stopping by.
Talk to you soon.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.