Friday, January 20, 2017

A 604,800 Second Recap

Or, for those of you scoring at home, a week.
  • Saturday - Hayden was pretty excited to don a gi and kick some stuff. Or maybe she wanted to kick Don and get some stuff. I have a hard time understanding her sometimes. Plus, Don is a real dick so you can see why I could get confused. But she appeared to be satisfied that I took her to her first karate class. 

  • Sunday - Death by Labrador. I took Ms. Frizzle for a walk and her canine senses must have been affected by the frigid arctic temperatures because she took me over a big patch of ice and down went Mr. Shife. I just wanted to lay there and cry but I was afraid my tears would freeze my eyes shut. Worst. Winter. Ever. We got snow, we got cold, we got freezing rain, we got ice dams, we got politicians sticking their hands in their own pockets ... well, you get the picture but here's a GIF in case you needed help. 

  • Monday - Martin Luther King Day. This quote of his seems appropriate right now with all that's going on with our new president.

  • Tuesday - It's January 17th and back to school for only the third time this month. Lots and lots of snow days this year. 

  • Wednesday - Saying goodnight to Hayden and trying to keep a straight face because Ms. Frizzle is dry humping one of Hayden's stuffed animals right behind her. I didn't think girl dogs did that but they most certainly do, and Ms. Frizzle was working that stuffed animal over like it owed her money or something. Here's terrible reenactment from a terrier and Pokemon doll.

  • Thursday - Well golly darn. You will never guess what happened? Another snow day for the kids. We got another couple inches of snow last night that turned to freezing rain and everyone woke up needing ice skates to get from point A to point B. Have I mentioned this is the worst winter ever? 

  • Friday - I think everyone knows what happened today. No need to remind you or do I? Of course, I am talking about the anniversary of  Hong Kong being ceded to the British back in 1841. What else would I be talking about? Did something of importance happen today? 

Enjoy your weekend.
Thanks for stopping by.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Friday, January 13, 2017

The First Random Acts of Shifeness of 2017

  • Ms. Frizzle's mortal enemies appear to be literacy and clean floors. She's extremely unwavering in her desire to eat every book she can get her jaws around and she's also furiously determined to devour a push broom. The publications and sweeping device are learning that hell hath no vengeance like a Labrador puppy. It can also be very tiring. And nothing is better than taking a nap on a pile of clean clothes. 
  • Kyle read a message I wrote on a dry-erase board that said: "Does this add value to your life?" It's a phrase I picked up from a podcast to help me in my efforts to not buy stuff. We have too much in the Shifley household and a lot of stuff that doesn't add value to our lives. Anyway, Kyle read it and then asked me if the hooded sweatshirt I was wearing brought value to my life. I said it does because it keeps me warm. Then he asked me if my goatee brought me value. I had to think about that one for a moment and I told him that it saves me time because I don't have to shave my whole face and thus brings me value. Kyle found that answer unacceptable and asked again. I thought a little longer and told him that it brings me value because Mrs. Shife finds my goatee sexy and irresistible so I get lots of kisses from her. Kyle then immediately left the room and then I heard, "Momma, do you find Daddy's goatee sketchy?"
    Mrs. Shife and I both laughed out loud a lot.   
  • The place I call home - Boise, Idaho - has seen more snow than any year since 1892. We have had 29.2 inches since Dec. 1. For some reason, this thought popped into my head:
  • If a flight attendant says "See you next time" as you're leaving the plane ... well that's not a good thing. It's code for "Eff you." Read all about it here.
  • It's Friday the 13th and a full moon. Should be an interesting day. 

Thanks for stopping by. Talk to you soon.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Thursday, January 05, 2017


We got it, yes we do.
We got it, how about you?
We got 7 inches in 1 day (I know there's a "that's what she said" joke in there) and the total snow depth right now is about 18 inches.
Sounds awesome, right.

Ummm, no thanks.
I surrender. 
I shoveled my roof today.
Yes, my roof. 
Is that normal?
Mother nature you win.

Boise doesn't usually get this much snow, which is one of the reasons why I love living here.
I'm not a big fan of winter anyway, but Boise, for the most part, has mild winters, which I can deal with. We get a little snow and it gets a little cold and then we move on to warmer weather and dancing in our star-spangled underwear.

But not this year.
For the love of fat bassets, whoever prayed for snow ... well they hit the jackpot. 
Since we have had all of this glorious powder, the kiddos have had 3 straight snow days.
Did I mention that they were supposed to go back to school this past Wednesday after their winter break?
Winter break will now have lasted almost 3 weeks before the kids have to head back to the classrooms. Coincidentally, there has been a dramatic spike in alcohol sales around the Boise Valley.

Stay classy, my friends. Thanks for stopping by. Talk soon.
And I hope your weather is a little more agreeable.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Friday, December 30, 2016

Happy New Year 2017

Well, I'm taking a break this week because we are celebrating the holiday with family and we currently have nine adults, six kiddos all under the age of 7, and two 4-month-old puppies hanging out at Casa de Shifley.
It's a little hard finding some time to get away to write something extraordinary.
Trust me this final post of 2016 was going to be epic.
Gotta run.
I'll talk to you next week in the year 2017.
Take care.
Thanks for stopping by and Happy New Year.

Oh and I almost forget but I need to spend some time cleaning out my cooler.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

Friday, December 23, 2016

Shife 2.0

Well, last week sucked.
Mentally I was in a bit of a funk and I felt a lot like this:

Thank you for being supportive. It really does mean a lot.
Well, I knew this couldn't continue and I also knew I didn't want this to continue so I decided to get my shit together and fight Tobias.

Saturday - I acknowledged that I wasn't in a happy place and I needed help. I meditated, used essential oils (doTerra wild orange) and upped my diazepam (valium) dosage. I didn't want to do any of this, but I made myself because it had to be done if I was going to get over this bout of depression.
Sunday - I felt better. I continued with the meditation, essential oils, and diazepam. I also know giving and gratitude can make you feel better. I donated to some charities and bought some Christmas presents.
Monday - Clutter is a major trigger for my anxiety and that can eventually spiral into my depression. I had emails from 2004. I had more than 3,000 emails just sitting in my inbox doing nothing but driving me nuts because they are just sitting there taking up space. Bye bye emails. I have 10 emails in my inbox right now. And that number will be cut in half when some packages are delivered.  I continued with the meditation, essential oils, and diazepam
Tuesday - My Twitter account was also a hot mess. I followed more than 1,500 people just because they followed me back. However, they brought nothing to the table for me and were just clogging up my Twitter feed with stuff I didn't care about. Bye bye Twitter followers. My list of followers is now under 300 and it's a joy to go through my news feed because I actually get information that I find interesting and useful. I continued with the meditation, essential oils, and diazepam
Wednesday - I went out with some friends to have a few beers. I hadn't been out in a long time with friends. I knew I was starting to feel better because I wanted to go out and meet them. A week ago, I would have made up an excuse as to why I couldn't meet them. I continued with the meditation, essential oils, and diazepam.
Thursday - I have bills. You have bills. If you are like me, you probably wish you didn't have bills. Well, I can't change the fact that I have bills, but I can take control of them. We have bills due on the 1st, the 10th, the 15th, the 24th, etc. Not anymore. They are all now due on the 5th. I pay everything on one day and I'm done with it. Just getting everything squared away on one day takes some stress out of my life. I continued with the meditation, essential oils, and diazepam.
Friday - There are 86,400 seconds in a day. I don't get them back. They don't collect interest. Once they are gone, they are gone. I can either get busy making the most out of that time or just exist. I don't want to exist or survive. I want to thrive. I'm going to make my seconds count. I continued with the meditation and essential oils. I scaled back on the diazepam because it can become addictive.

Well, that's been my week.
I took a look in the mirror and decided Mr. Shife needed to get busy living.
It's not always going to be sunshine and rainbows, but I'm going to fight because I want to be happy and I fucking deserve to be happy.

Thanks for listening and thanks for stopping by.
Have a wonderful weekend and Merry Christmas.

P.S. I also purged my messy desk of clutter and found two copies of my book.
I would love to give them to someone if they wanted it. It's FREE.
Just send me your address at and I'll get in the mail.
The books have been claimed. Thanks everyone.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

Friday, December 16, 2016

Hello Darkness, My Old Friend

The darkness is back. 
The winter blues have returned. 
The swirling vortex of worthlessness is in charge.
Circling the drain is my catch phrase. 
I was hoping it would skip me, but it's back and it seems like with a vengeance this year. 
I think having to find Tank another home has really put me in more of a funk than usual. 
I know it will pass.
I know it will end.
I just wish I knew when.
Suck it, Tobias.

P.S. Tobias is the name I have given my depression. 

I will persevere. I will keep me moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Friday, December 09, 2016

Mr. Shife's Snapshots from the Week

  • A holiday email I received from a doctor that I allowed to probe me. Not in that way, you perverts. Jeez. A man has to know his limitations and being probed anally is definitely where I draw the line. It probably would explain why I haven't been abducted by aliens.  Anyway, I thought the first sentence was interesting: "We would like to say thank you?" Like they weren't sure and wanted my permission. Maybe I'm on the naughty list year. I want to write back and say "You're welcome?"

  • I was a little surprised at the directions on the Echinacea pills that I bought. According to the manufacturer, I need to 1 pill 7 times a day preferably with a meal. And a meal - according to the dictionary - is when a large amount of food is eaten. After I finish this bottle of pills, I will be off to the Short and Squatty store to get my new pants. I couldn't think of anything as elegant as Big and Tall. Maybe Petite and Husky? Or perhaps Stubby and Chunky? 
  • I still get a chuckle seeing a reminder from our vet about Ms. Frizzle's next appointment. Just seeing her name makes me laugh. 

  • The good news is that I won the Seattle Times "Holiday Cooking Horror Stories Contest." The bad news is that the gift card is for a local restaurant in Seattle. Looks like some of our relatives will be enjoying dinner on the Shifes.  You're welcome. Do I still get good karma when I don't really mean that polite response? 
  • Have you been wondering what Angelina Jolie has been up to since her split with Brad Pitt?
    Of course, you have. Well, she's been reading my blog. I'm not surprised. I mean I just won a holiday story contest. I'm glad that I'm able to be a source of comfort in these difficult times for her. Man, I'm a swell guy. 

Thanks for stopping by. I will talk to you soon.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.