Friday, May 25, 2018

Hot Napping

I accidentally invented a new activity: hot napping.
Think of it like hot yoga but you are unconscious.

It’s not the most ideal way to take a nap, but there are worse.

I was tired and needed a nap and I decided to let Hayden watch cartoons instead of playing outside because I am the best daddy ever.
Her words, not mine.
Just to set the record straight, I am also the worst daddy ever when I say no to cartoons.
While she was learning about the latest shenanigans that Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash and Applejack were getting into at Ponyville, I was sprawled out on the couch underneath a blanket and ready to recharge.

After being unconscious for about 10 minutes, I was abruptly awakened from my mid-afternoon slumber because I was sweating like a squirrel on a griddle without his special griddle dancing shoes. 

Naturally, I blamed the blanket for my rise in body temperature and sent it on its way.

A few minutes later the sweating continued and I proclaimed:
“What in the wide world of fudge is going on!!”
I went through my mental checklist to make sure nothing was out of the ordinary:
  • Did we recently move to the Sun?
  • Am I in a sauna?
  • Am I going through puberty?
  • Am I going through menopause?
  • Was I getting an early onset case of World Cup fever?
  • Am I going through heroin withdrawals? 
  • Maybe I was dreaming about being a fitness instructor at a popular gym in the 80s and John Travolta wanted to interview me? (If you know this reference, then a big high-five to you)
  • Was I a graduate history student unwittingly caught in the middle of an international conspiracy involving stolen diamonds and being interrogated by a Nazi war criminal? (If you know this reference, then you, as Jeff Spicoli might say, are: Awesome! Totally Awesome!)

Nothing out of the ordinary except for the nice case of swamp butt I picked up during my short snooze fest.
As the realization crept in that I was getting no more sleep, I sadly sat up from my unsatisfactory attempt at some sufficient shut-eye.
However, this new vantage point was quite enlightening as I learned what led to the demise of my afternoon siesta.
When Hayden was grabbing the TV remote from the remote drawer, she accidentally turned on our electric fireplace and cranked it up to dragon mode.

The fireplace is a few feet away from the couch and it can really churn out the heat especially when it’s a warm, spring day.   

So when “hot napping” becomes the next big thing you can tell everyone you know how it all began.

Thanks for stopping by, talk soon and enjoy the Memorial Day weekend.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Friday, May 18, 2018

Random Acts of Shifeness - Labrador Lessons

  • Sorry about the lack of words in last week’s post. We had some visitors for Mother’s Day weekend and it got a little busier around the house than I expected.
  • And here's Hayden with one of the visitor. Finn came for a visit and kept Ms. Frizzle pretty busy. He's the same age as Frizzy and they love to play. They also love to get as wet as caninely possibly and then get as much of it all over their humans. It's the best. 

  • Finn is pretty good about staying dry but he will follow Frizzle and then it's like I signed them up for synchronized swimming lessons. Here's a GIF of Frizzle playing in a sprinkler. I purposely took her to this area of the schoolyard because the sprinkler was barely on and I didn't think the Friz would mess with it. Another labrador lesson learned. She plopped and flopped and was wetter than a sea otter's pocket.

  • Kyle performed at a fundraiser for TRICA (Treasure Valley for Children's Arts) and things went pretty well. So well that Kyle got hoisted up by the TRICA director after their performance. One of the advantages of only weighing about 55 pounds.

  • Kyle has been pretty busy. He was also part of a LEGO rocket build at our local library. The rocket was so big that they had to remove a ceiling tile to get the last piece on the ship. 

  • Well that's is all for today, folks. Thanks for stopping by. Hope all is well and I will talk to you sooner than later. Take care.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 


Friday, May 11, 2018

Happy Mother's Day 2018

Hopefully, you can relate to one of the visual aids and you have a wonderful Mother's Day.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

Friday, May 04, 2018

T is for Tired

Where's that white flag?
Sweet Lincoln's mullet, I am tired.
Mrs. Shife left yesterday to go to a continuing ed conference and I am all alone.
Things were going pretty well until bedtime.
Kyle and Hayden decided they wanted to sleep in my bed and that was an adventure.
I felt like I was fighting Mike Tyson with all the body blows and head shots I got during the evening.
Oh, and Ms. Frizzle was in the bed also.
And she's a blanket hog.

She lays on top of them and then spreads herself out like she's in the final round of Twister.
Unless you keep your Craftsman 2-1/2 ton floor jack under the nightstand in the bedroom, you aren't getting the blankets back.
But there was a light at the end of the tunnel.
I took the afternoon off today so I thought I could probably squeeze in a nap before the kids get home from school.
Then I forgot that we were watching Nash, the almost 1-year-old golden doodle, today.
You remember Nash, right?
The last time we watched him we had an awkward moment with Kyle dry-humping pillows.
Feel free to read all about it right here.
I'm not going anywhere.
And you're back.
I tried napping but Frizzle and Nash are about as subtle as a fart in a crowded elevator.
They have been going at it the minute Nash walked through the door and it doesn't like it's going to end anytime soon.

It's like they know I want to take a nap and once I start to doze off then it's ... 
Knock down something.
Lick private parts.
Hear Mr. Shife use new and exciting cuss words.
Repeat until evening.
Happy Friday, everybody.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

Friday, April 27, 2018

Random Acts of Shifeness -- Party Time

  • Greetings and salutations. How was your week? Good, I hope. Mine wasn't too shabby. 
  • I turned older and my co-workers were nice enough to decorate my cube for me. They also managed to find a really "awesome" picture of me dressed up as Snow White for a Halloween party. I think I was more Whoa White or Snow Wrong. I am not an attractive woman. 

  • I also got reminded of a classic picture of Kyle from the party. Let's just say he wasn't too happy that we were taking a photograph. Or perhaps he just didn't want to be photographed with me. He was definitely one unhappy elf. 
  • One of the birthday presents I received was a new bobblehead. The Dude has now joined forces with Deadpool, Cousin Eddie, Ron Swanson and Gene Frenkle at my work desk. Gene is also a new addition to the group and you might remember him better by the phrase "More Cowbell, baby." 

  • I made Hayden happy as I was able to put her hair into pigtails before school. 

  • The kids took advantage of the warmer weather and gave themselves a mud bath. 
  • And here's a picture of my motley crew before they set off on a new adventure. I think you would be hard-pressed to find a group that has spent more time at the school playground than Kyle, Hayden and Frizzle. 

  • Thanks for stopping by and I will talk to you soon. Have a wonderful weekend. 

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Friday, April 20, 2018

Random Acts of Shifeness - The Dab Edition

  • Kyle has decided to give dance lessons to Hayden and right now he’s teaching her how to dab. What? You don’t know what dabbing is? Yep, me either. But here are some details about what it is and why people are doing it.
  • Besides being a part-time dance instructor, Kyle has also started to discover his own taste in music. He has spent a few nights listening to Usher before he calls it a day. One of his favorite songs is “Yeah” and it’s also one of the songs that I have heard from Usher. It would make sense for Kyle to get into rap music because it’s one of the few music genres that I don’t really listen to. Now he can drive me crazy like I did my dad when I started listening to heavy metal when I was a kid. For some reason, my dad thought it was a little strange that I was into bands that wore make-up and leather outfits. They look like righteous dudes, right?  

  • I don’t know why exactly but I am always amused when I get a text message from our babysitter and she refers to Ms. Frizzle as Mrs. Frizzle. I imagine in my head that Frizzy ran off and eloped but still kept her name.  

  • The geese near my office are getting a little crazy. I guess love is in the air and their hormones are making them act like whack jobs. This goose kept banging on the door and honking at me.
  • I showed him or her the picture below and he has left me alone.  
  • Yes, it's a picture of a chicken but I don't know the goose knows. Then again I am pretty sure the goose has no idea what I am doing. That makes two of us.
  • Thanks for stopping by and I will talk to you soon. Have a lovely weekend.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Friday, April 13, 2018

Bird droppings

I am going to be crazy as a loon if a certain bird in our neighborhood doesn't quit crapping on our car.
Let’s call him Fred.
Fred has been hanging out on our side view mirrors for the past several weeks.
And to help pass the time while he’s hanging out, Fred likes to poop.
A lot.
I almost think Fred loves to poop.
I think this is what happens when the early bird gets the worm.
Fred has taken to pooping on our car like a duck to water.
We have a waterfall of bird shit cascading down our car doors.
It’s such a beautiful sight.

Forget getting your car waxed to make it shine.
Bird poop really makes that paint pop.
It looks like someone melted 17,000 white crayons, filled up a pitcher, and poured it over the car.  
You would think a flock of seagulls had targeted our car with the amount of crap that has been plastered on our automobile.
I just assumed this because I heard birds of a feather flock together.
Is this a really bad version of Angry Birds?
Nope, it’s just Fred and his feathered fanny firing feces fanatically.
According to research, Fred is under the belief that his reflection is another male competing for his space. 
Rather than peck at the mirror, though, he tries to run off the intruder by regularly – and I guess regularly in the bird kingdom means every 3.2 seconds – marking his territory – and by marking they mean it looks like someone smashed open a bird poop piƱata on the side of our vehicle.  
According to more research, Fred’s behavior should stop when he has found a mate and nesting season begins.
And I will be as proud as a peacock when Fred is happy as a lark doing the no-pants dance with his lady friend.

This post was brought you today by bird idioms.
You're welcome.
And I'm sorry I don't have a picture of our car to share but we had snow and rain yesterday so all of Fred's hard work was washed away. But, once the storm passed, Fred was back ready to start taking care of business.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.