Thursday, June 22, 2017

Father's Day 2017 Recap

We spent the afternoon at a place called Quinn's Pond seeing if SUP (Stand Up Paddleboarding) was fun and determining if the Frizz was a water dog. The answers were yes to both of those questions. But if you don't believe me, I think the pictures below will prove it without a doubt.

Kyle taking Hayden on a tour of the pond. They came back about an hour later.
It was safe to say that they loved cruising around the water.

The guy in the canoe totally left early. 

Hayden took over the captain duties. I sometimes forget that she's only 5.

They both took to the water like a couple of old pros.

Speaking of taking to the water, Ms. Frizzle seemed OK with it. 

We played fetch in the water for about 90 minutes. 

Kyle and Frizzle working on their synchronized swimming routine. 

When the paddleboard wasn't being commandeered by the kid pirates,
Mrs. Shife got to enjoy some time on the water too. 

It was pretty good Father's Day. I am a lucky guy. 
Thanks for stopping by. Talk to you soon.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Friday, June 16, 2017

Are You There God? It's Me, Mr. Shife

Never underestimate the power of prayer.
I’m not a religious person but I am spiritual.
Too many things have happened to me – especially after my Mom passed away – that has led me to believe there’s definitely something “out there.” Not sure what that might be but I am definitely more open-minded about it.
I bring up the power of prayer because when we took the kids fishing last weekend, and they were giving away prizes at the event we attended because it was free fishing day in Idaho.

There were maybe 22 kids there and 20 prizes.
I was concerned that Kyle and Hayden might get the Mr. Shife jinx.
I have never had much luck winning any prizes and it was never more evident when I attended a watch party for a college football game with my friends a few years ago.
They were giving away all kinds of cool stuff.
There was probably 41 people at the party and they had 40 prizes.
Someone was going to go home without a prize.
Any guesses on who didn’t win anything?
It was so bad that my friend’s brother-in-law showed up at the last minute, dropped his name into the raffle, and won. And the dude could give two squirrel nut-laden turds about football let alone the team we were there supporting.
No, I don’t hold on to the past at all.
Why do you ask?
But enough of my issues.
Back to last weekend.
As the Fish & Game officials were pulling out the winners, the memories of me not winning came rushing back especially after some kid entered his name at the last minute and got his ticket pulled.
My heart was starting to ache for my kiddos as they looked at me and Mrs. Shife with brave faces but you could also see the concern mounting.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I looked skyward and uttered the following words out loud: “Dear Lord Jesus wearing a tuxedo t-shirt, please let my kids win a prize.”
A few minutes later, Kyle got his name drawn.
I looked skyward and uttered the following words out loud: “Thank you, Lord Jesus wearing a tuxedo t-shirt.”
More names were drawn and then the Fish & Game official said “last prize” and Hayden looked back at me forcing a courageous smile but definitely worried her name wasn’t going to be called.
More heartache.
The official pulls out the entry and says “Payton.”
Oh, the horror.
The name even sounded like hers.
I’m kidding.
They pulled her name and me and Mrs. Shife breathed some sweet relief that both of the kids won a prize.
Kyle, later on, told us that when he heard the guy say that it was the last prize that he closed his eyes and said quietly to himself: “Please, please, please let Hayden win a prize.”
Nice try, kid.
We all know who did the heavy lifting on this one. 

Ooops. Wrong Jesus.

There we go.

Thanks for stopping by. Talk to you soon.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Friday, June 09, 2017

Random Acts of Shifeness - Suck it, Sports

  • My support of summer sports sucks straightaway. But I got alliteration going for me so that's nice. The two sports I follow the most in summer - soccer and baseball - aren't must-see TV for me right now. My soccer team, RSL, just got throttled in their last two games losing by a combined score of 11-3. They are really close to circling the drain and being the last place team in the league. My baseball team, STL, is mired in a 7-game losing streak and making me consider listening to Nickelback, drinking orange juice after brushing my teeth, and watching YouTube videos of prostate exams because that would be more fun than watching the Cardinals play. The madness must end soon or I might never be the same.
  • Did you ever watch "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"? Quick recap: A painful breakup leads a couple to have a procedure that erases each other from their memories. And I bring this up because I would like to erase the experience of watching the Netflix series "Bloodline" from my head. I don't want to ruin it for anyone that might still be watching it but I was less-than-satisfied with how they wrapped it up. 
  • We are taking the kids fishing tomorrow and got them all of their equipment the other day. It should be an interesting day. And by interesting I mean I might be quoting my favorite character, Gob, from the TV show "Arrested Development" a lot. 
  • Ms. Frizzle is on notice with Mrs. Shife. She ate one of her favorite shoes.
  • Frizz is working on her apology right now ... I hope.

  • Well, this update has just been full of awesomeness I suppose I should try and end on a positive note. Ummmmm, here's a good one:

Thanks for stopping by. Take care and talk to you soon.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Friday, June 02, 2017

Random Acts of Shifeness - School's Out For Summer

  • Kyle's last day of school is today and he's actually pretty sad about it. He made a couple of good friends this year and he's going to miss them. Especially a young lady that he thinks is pretty awesome. Hopefully, we can get him a few play dates this summer.
  • Somebody is ready for summer. 
  • I had to enable comment moderation because some delta bravo named "Blogger" keeps leaving stupid comments. I have reported it as spam but he or she is still getting through.
  • How was your Memorial Day? We had a nice weekend as we spent a few days in Utah to play in the water and check out a soccer game. As you can see below, the kiddos were pretty happy about being on vacation.

  • And Hayden celebrated the "unofficial" beginning of summer by losing her first tooth. 

Thanks for stopping by. Talk to you soon.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Thursday, May 25, 2017

Pixel Parade 2017

Hi there. I'm 9-months-old, you can call me the Frizz or Frizzy or Frizzleliscious. I enjoy discussing the advantages of biomass energy, I think unicorns are real, bacon fanatic, not a fan of people who put clothes on their pets, and I caught and ate a bird today.  

Frizz gets a little excited when it's time to play fetch. 

Hayden is showing off her big girl haircut. She's totes adorbs.

Slumber party in the TV room was a success. They didn't even wake up when somebody named Mr. Shife was yelling profanities at the TV because his soccer team was being dumb.

Any guesses on what they are celebrating? Kyle & Hayden got dressed up for a Star Wars party. Kyle was an X-Wing pilot with his droid, R2D2, and I don't think you need any help on who Hayden is. 

Kyle's reaction after someone wouldn't quit taking pictures. And if you know me, then you know that I have the same body language when I am done doing something. 

And a wedding picture of two people I don't know for no reason at all. Isn't it nice seeing all of their love captured on their big day? Yes, love is in the air. Hey, what are those cows doing?

Thanks for stopping by. Have a good one and I will talk to you soon.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Friday, May 19, 2017

Who Ordered The Poo-Poo Platter?

"My memory isn't as good as it used to be but I would remember if I shared my poop with you."
How's that for a quote?
Well, that's a sentence that I never thought I would speak to another human being.
But I did and here's how it happened.

I was looking over a bill I got from my doctor and noticed a line item that made me think to myself: "Hmmm. Methinks crestfallen is an excellent word. Don't forget about shuttlecocks. Yep, that is a good one too. Hello? What are you doing? Oh yeah, I think they made mistake with my bill."

I am not a smart man but that looks like I got charged for blood occult by fecal hemoglobin determination by immunoassay qualitative 1 to 3 simultaneous determinations.
I am not exactly sure what blood occult by fecal hemoglobin determination by immunoassay qualitative 1 to 3 simultaneous determinations is but if I have to take a dumb, white guy guess then I think they wanted to know if I had red liquid that circulates in the arteries and veins of humans and other vertebrate animals in my doo-doo.
I mean that is certainly something I would like to know but I didn't have that test done.
The doctor did give me a kit to take home so I could send back a sample, but the kit just rode shotgun with me for about a month then it ended up in the garbage can.
I gave the physician's billing department a call to discuss the matter.
I asked her about the charge.
She told me what it was.
I told her that I didn't do this.
She asked me why because she had to give the doctor a reason why I was disputing the charge.
And I thought about that first sentence that I wrote in this blog post.
I thought this is going to go over as funny or it's going to break bad.
Then I thought let's do it.
So I told her the reason why I was sure I didn't have that test done was because: "My memory isn't as good as it used to be but I would remember if I shared my poop with you."
A moment of silence.
Oh for the love of fat bassets fecal matter, this is breaking bad I thought to myself.
Then she laughed.
She said she will pass it along to the doctor's office.
I guess shit happens.
I just don't want to pay for it.

Have a good weekend. Thanks for stopping by.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

Friday, May 12, 2017

Random Acts of Shifeness - Dragons, Chicks, and a Brothel Joke

  • We have another author in the house. Kyle wrote and published a book for a 2nd-grade project. I guess the apple doesn't fall too far away from the tree. I love that he named the boy "Bob" because Bob has to be one of my favorite names of all time. And I also love that dragons speak "dragonese." Not too shabby if you ask me.

  • I finally saw "Manchester By The Sea." I can’t undo that. Boy oh boy, was that ever uplifting. Since I still don’t have a sarcasm key then I will put it in italics. I was a little disappointed because I don't get that much time to watch movies these days and I wished I would have picked something that didn't leave me "Crestfallen By The Boise."
  • I tried to be funny and parody the Manchester movie title. Didn’t quite nail the landing on that one. Anyone have something better. 
  • We adopted two baby chickens – Cuppy and Leafy – and as you can see the kids are pretty happy about it. I have no idea about the names. Kyle told me why but he might as well have been trying to explain Quantitative Methods in Economics in dragonese to me. 

  • Here's a GIF of person dressed up as a dinosaur riding a motorcylce for no reason at all.
  • Quote of the week: Let us be of good cheer, however, remembering that the misfortunes hardest to bear are those which never come. - James Russell Lowell
  • Recommendation of the week: If you are trying to claim you have no ties to Russia by sending out a certified letter then make sure the law firm you hired wasn't named the Russia Law Firm of the Year in 2016. Coincidence? 
  • Joke of the week: What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? Beat it. We’re closed.
  • Happy Mother's Day to all you amazing ladies out there. Thank you for your love, guidance, and support. Enjoy your special day. 
Thanks for stopping by. Talk to you soon. 

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.