Friday, November 14, 2014

Code Brown

Are you familiar with the term "code brown"?
It basically means you are about to shit yourself, which is not a good thing unless you are 9-months-old and sporting some Huggies.
I recently had a code brown moment.
I was looking at the browser history on my computer because I was trying to remember a site I visited that had some birthday present ideas for a 3-year-old girl (yes, believe it or not, Hayden turns 3 in 7 days. Another code brown moment, huh?)
As I am perusing the sites that I frequented, I start to see some highly unusual activity.
There's and the 10 best foods for pregnancy.
There's and the best foods to eat while pregnant.
There's and what to eat when you are expecting.
The only other person to use my computer is …
Mrs. Shife.
Holy crap.
Is she?
No way.
I got fixed.
I'm sterile.
I'm like a Christmas tree.
I only have ornamental balls.
I mean I guess there's a chance that my team could still score a touchdown.
A small chance.
Like one out of a million.
So you're telling me there's a chance.
My boys are ALIVE!
I take a moment to give myself a high-five.
Then I realize this isn't a good thing.
We are going to need a new house.
A new car.
A new attitude.
A new vasectomy.
For the love of husky hounds, what the frick is going on?
We can't have another baby.
After going through all of the doomsday scenarios, I call Mrs. Shife to see if there's anything new she would like to discuss with me.
She says she might want to try out a new yoga class this weekend.
Anything else I say.
Nope she says.
I then proceed to tell her what I discovered on my computer and that I filled up my undies with fecal matter because I don't think I can handle another kid.
Nothing on the other end of the line from Mrs. Shife.
I'm not a smart man but my relationship translator is telling me that this is no bueno.
More silence.
I'm about to fill up my pants again.
Then laughter.
Lots of laughter.
Turns out Mrs. Shife was looking up information for a good friend of hers who just found out she was pregnant.
Being the compassionate, wonderful woman that she is, Mrs. Shife decided not to torture me because she could have made me twist in the wind for as long as wanted.
Thank you Mrs. Shife for having mercy on me.
And thank you Dr. Hodges for making sure that I'm shooting blanks.

We had a snow day today in Boise Idaho. Almost 8 inches. The kiddos were pretty excited. 

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

Friday, October 31, 2014

Shifetober 31st

“It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.” – Ernest Hemingway 
The journey ends today as my book has been officially released into the wild.
It’s been a long road to get to this point with numerous ups and downs but Big Ern pretty much summed it up best as I have learned a lot during this journey. The most important takeaway from this excursion is that I have an amazing network of family and friends, and your support, generosity and all-around awesomeness makes me grateful that I have you in my life. Thank you for everything and I will be forever in your debt for helping make one of my dreams come true. Where I go from here is a mystery but I do look forward to a new set of adventures. And for those of you still chasing your dreams – since we are on a journey theme – don’t stop believing. 
P.S. Thanks for making me cry at work this morning Lee. Your review was absolutely wonderful. A perfect way to end this chapter of my journey.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Shifetober 30th

Two of my latest reviews:
“God damn it Shife. I can’t stop laughing.” -- Jeff Solis 

“I laughed so hard sitting on the airplane this morning on my flight from Boise to San Jose! I was crying from laughing too hard! People next to me, behind me, and in front of me kept looking as I had tears rolling down my facial cheeks!” -- Kent Whittig

My book will make you laugh and they say laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrhea. Then you probably should wait on buying my book. 

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Shifetober 29th

I have been so wrapped promoting my book that I forget that Halloween is this Friday. Sweet sassy molassey, this month has flown by. The kiddos went to a Halloween party at Kyle's school and I proudly present The Shifley's Halloween 2014 edition:

Kyle is the Red Power Ranger and Hayden is The Incredible Hulk, and please note that Hayden accessorized her costume with her favorite pink boots. I'm still not sure what they are going to be on the actual day of Halloween as they seem to change their minds on their costumes about as often as political candidates run ads these days. Thanks for stopping by.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Shifetober 28th

This is a picture of my grandma reading my book.
She's reading the story about how my mom almost killed her.
(It's on page 41 for those of you who have the book or you visit this link.)  
I know it doesn't sound like an amusing topic but trust me it's pretty funny. 
My grandma almost died and she's still laughing about.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Monday, October 27, 2014

Shifetober 27th

I shared my book with my mom's tree yesterday. I'm hopeful it falls into the right hands as I think my mom will do her best to make sure an awesome person finds it.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Shifetober 26th

Tank you. Tank you very much.

My spokesdog wanted to let everyone know that the book signing party was a lot of fun and a good time.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.