Saturday, December 19, 2015

Random Acts of Shifeness: Merry Christmas '15

  • What a week. I just wrapped up Christmas shopping and I'm pooped.
  • I'm also a little pooped because we had to do about 7,000 loads of laundry as we had a lice outbreak at the Shifley hacienda. Poor Little Miss Hayden picked up an unwanted friend at one of those cess pools called indoor play lands. All's well now but it wasn't a lot of fun the past few days trying to eradicate those little buggers. 
  • You didn't ask for it, but from what I hear it's better to give than to receive so I give you this:
  • No that is not a tiny piece of bacon. That is the PG version of my left butt cheek. I just thought you really, really wanted to see where Fatty Arbuckle used to call home. 
  • So I don't know if it's the new medicine or if I just realized I'm one lucky guy, but I have been really happy and appreciative of the life I have. I don't like to say that stuff publicly because I get paranoid that I jinx myself, but screw it, I'm happy. 
  • Well Merry Christmas to each and everyone of you. Thanks for stopping by. It's most definitely appreciated. I am not big on resolutions but I would like to make my blog a little more humorous in 2016. It feels like it has taken a hit since I published my book. 

  • Happy New Year too. I will probably take a break until 2016.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Friday, December 11, 2015

Random Acts of Shifeness: Later Fatty

  • See if you recognize anyone from this "Stuff the Bus" segment from one of our local news channels, Hayden was filmed giving a gift to a toy drive because as the news cameraman said she was "adorable." And I totally agreed. 
  • The Liberation of Fatty Arbuckle was a success. It hurts like hell to sit right now but other than that I’m fine. I was tempted to take a picture of what they removed and share but decided against it. You are welcome.
  • My favorite quote of the week: Don't live the same year 75 times and call it a life. – Robin Sharma
  • Did I mention that I have taken a Facebook sabbatical? I have been off the site for about a month and I’m OK with it.
  • I saved the really depressing stuff for last so if you made it this far it's going to get rough now but there's a happy ending. Last week I was in a really dark place. Like I wanted to end it all kind of dark place. So how did this happen? Well I went to my doctor in November to talk about getting on some meds to help handle the seasonal affective disorder I have been dealing with the last few winters and I just wanted to try to get in front of it this year. I was prescribed Zoloft, and after about 2 weeks I noticed that I was not feeling like myself at all. Panic attacks were spiraling into angry anxiety which then led to some serious depression, and that’s when I started fantasizing a little bit about suicide. It was quite scary because I have never done that before. So as you can guess I’m off Zoloft because I would really like to grow old with Mrs. Shife and watch those kiddos of mine grow up. My doctor switched me over to Valium, which is working a lot better for me. Look how cheerful I look. I really actually do feel about 1000 times better.

Thanks for stopping by the blog. Have a great weekend. 

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Friday, December 04, 2015

Random Acts of Shifeness: Pops Update

--> After 5 days of being in the hospital, my Dad got to come home and he's doing better. He has to begin some serious immunotherapy and still sounds exhausted but he's home, and we will take that for now.
--> I can't believe Christmas is 3 weeks away. I'm totally not prepared at all. Good thing I have 3 weeks. However, someone I know wouldn't be too upset if Christmas was tomorrow.

--> I also can't believe it's 1 week until my butt surgery. It should make for an interesting blog post next week especially if I am all hopped up on pain meds.
--> How to subtly mess with people: An illustrated guide to being your worst self
"While saying goodbye to someone, say 'dick hair.' If you say it fast enough, it sounds like 'take care.'"

--> My favorite quote of the week: He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has. – Epictetus 
--> My favorite joke of the week: A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes." Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive."

Thanks for stopping by. Have yourself a lovely weekend.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. 

Friday, November 27, 2015

Thanksgiving 2016

Scared is the word I would use to describe this year's Thanksgiving. 

I got a phone call from my Dad on Wednesday that stopped me in my tracks. 
I could hardly understand him and he just kept telling me that he was in the hospital. 
I honestly thought he had a stroke because his speech was so slurred. 

It turns out he was loaded up on morphine and that's why he was sounded like he had just shotgunned 27 beers. He also sounded a lot like Harry Caray during the 8th inning of a Cubs game. My Dad got chuckle out of that because he's a Cubs fan and he grew up listening to Harry Caray. 
In case you are unfamiliar with Harry Caray, he has a pretty good reputation for hitting the sauce and being smashed by the time game was over. 

The reason he was on morphine is because he was in an incredible amount of pain as his legs had swollen up and couldn't walk. After running a bunch of tests, the doctors think he has something called Wegener's granulomatosis. I had never heard of this disorder before but it's kind of scary because it's life threatening as it restricts blood flow to your organs among other things. 

The doctors are hopeful that they caught this early enough so my Dad doesn't have serious damage to his kidneys, but it's still early to tell. 

I was scared for the obvious reasons but talking to my Dad brought back some horrible memories as I had talked to Rusty my biological father about 10 years ago when he was pumped full of morphine. Rusty was on his death bed as he was succumbing to alcoholism and I tried to have a conversation with him. It was a pretty one-sided talk as Rusty was too doped up to make any sense. My Dad wasn't that bad but it was still difficult to understand everything he was trying to say. 

Needless to say, I am extremely thankful that my Dad is getting the medical care he needs and he still hopefully has a lot of years left in him. I'm not ready to say bye to my Pops. 

He came into my life when I was about 5, and I have no idea what kind of life my Mom and I would have had without him. And ever since he was in my life, he never made me feel like anything but his son. There's a song by Brad Paisley called "He Didn't Have To Be" that is eerily similar to my Dad becoming my Dad. When I first heard that song, I bawled like a baby. 

Lookin' back all I can say

About all the things he did for me

Is I hope I'm at least half the dad

That he didn't have to be 

Here is my Pops with his brothers and sister. He is the handsome dude in the purple. 

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Friday, November 20, 2015

Happy Birthday Hayden

I guess the title gave it away so you know who is turning 4. We are excited to celebrate her big day tomorrow so I don't have much to say today as I have been busy getting ready for Hayden's birthday party. Sorry. Enjoy some pictures instead. And yes I do believe I might have a GIF problem. Bye. 

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Friday, November 13, 2015

Why The Leaves Haven't Been Raked Up Yet

Mrs. Shife got herself a fancy new iPhone and took a slo-mo video of Hayden showing the leaves who's the boss. Kyle is in the background being a excellent big brother by supporting her. At least that's what I tell myself he is doing. He might actually be plotting my downfall as he keeps wondering where the heck is his tree house that I said he could have once he figured out how to climb our tree. I keep playing dumb - which isn't very hard for me to do - but he's not buying it. Anyway, I totally got off task here. It's a little hard to see the video if your eyeballs have some mileage on them like mine do so here's a link to the YouTube page,
Pretty cool if I must say so myself.
Anyway, I needed to watch this little video to pick me up today as it wasn't one of the best days on Planet Earth for me but nothing compared to what happened to a lot of people in France.
Thoughts and prayers to all those folks.
Hope you are doing well, and thanks for stopping by to say hello.
Take care.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

Friday, November 06, 2015


And that stands for "Today I Fucked Up." It's a thing on where folks share their humiliation with the rest of the world because they are just a glutton for more punishment or maybe they just hope someone else shares a worse tale of idiocy so they can sleep better at night.
Anyway, I read a few that made me LOL and I wanted to share.
The first one I thought was awesome because it's something I would do, and here's an actual example of me doing something kind of like that.
The second one was just downright hilarious.
I hope you like them too.

Went to fancy movie theater with date. Decide to buy a bottle of wine. Go back to bar. Ask for two glasses. Bartender says he needs two ID's. I'm too lazy to go back to seats to grab dates ID. Tell him I'm alone and was embarrassed to ask for just one glass. He is clearly sympathetic. Idiot me then tries to sell the story and continue on about how lonely I've been recently. He tells me he's off in a few minutes and insists on watching the movie with me. I try to fight it but I could only argue so much without giving away the truth. Bartender is insistent. I text my date what's happening. Go back to theater with my new date. Sit a few rows in front of my first date. She has the stupidest grin on her face as me and the bartender (Jared) sit a couple rows in front of her. He ends up being super cool and bought me and him another bottle during the movie. Movie ends. I thank him for his gesture. He didn't even ask for my number or anything. I think Jared was just a genuine guy trying to comfort someone. Met back up with my date in the parking lot and thankfully she found the whole thing hilarious.
I don't deserve Jared.

So just to set the stage here my wife is currently surfing the red tide solo. During these monthly events my board is kicking it on the beach waiting for better days. So after watching the family friendly Tosh.O we've been playing the scare game trying to freak each other out on random occasions. Of course I am the master having got the kids and the wife numerous times and they have failed to scare me yet. But enough of me beating my chest, lets get to the fuck up.

So the 14 year old is grounded and stuck at home and the 8 and 9 year olds have just finished their homework. My gorgeous wife calls me saying that she is almost home and that I should get the kids out of the house and take them to the park where she will meet us later after she gets home and changes. Thats when it hits me... What a perfect opportunity for the four of us to scare the crap out of her. The first thing she does when she gets home is go to our closet to change clothes.
So I hatch the plan with the kids that we should pretend we went to the park but instead hide in the closet to scare Mom instead. Everyone loved the idea especially since it didnt involve them being freaked out for once.

So we see her pull into the alley and we scramble into the closet and wait. Im trying to get them to all stop snickering as we hear the garage door close. Then come the foot steps down the hall... Her purse hits the desk and we can hear her fumbling around the room. The dresser drawer opens and in the back of my head a brain cell lights up... But no thats not going to happen... And then it does.
Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz and moans start to fill the room. I look at the puzzled faces of the two innocent ones and the revolting shock of disgust on the 14 year old and did the only thing I could think to do.... 
"Hey angel we are in the closet and we were going to scare you. Coming out in 1 minute."

We are still trying to process this event. But needless to say Im still laughing my ass off and she has this sheepish look on her face. Not sure what we are going to say to the 8 & 9 year old... And I think the 14 year old will never be the same again.

So there ya go.

P.S. I almost forgot.
Here's a picture of Kyle and Hayden from Halloween last weekend.
The big guy was a ninja turtle and my baby girl was a mermaid princess, and they a good time on the 31st of October.
They will be so happy that I shared this picture on a post that included a vibrator story.
It's going to be tough to beat me for Dad of Year.

Thanks for stopping by.
Have a good one.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Friday, October 30, 2015

Random Acts of Shifeness: The All Hallow's Eve Edition

  • This time last year I had just celebrated the release of my book. I can't believe it has already been a year, but it has. Time has a funny way of always moving forward. So what are my thoughts a year later? Definitely more up and downs. As of right now, more than 3,000 copies of my book have been downloaded - and downloaded includes folks buying the paperback version - so that's pretty awesome. When I first talked about it with Mrs. Shife, I told her 500 would be a pretty neat number so I am blown away that we made it to where we are. So a big thank you to each and everyone of you who has helped make one of lifelong dreams a reality. 
  • It's crazy how an overlooked decision can feel so liberating. I apologize in advance for being cryptic - trust me everything is OK - but I felt like I was trapped in a situation then I flipped the script to see a different scenario and voila! It was like a fat, flatuent elephant had been lifted off my chest. 
  • If you could time travel, would you go forward or backward? I'm torn but I think I would go backward. 
  • Mrs. Shife made pumpkin cookies with the kids last night. She let them each have a 1/2 of cookie before they went to bed so that they could try them out and tell her how they tasted ... Hayden said, "Hmmm, yum. They are good, but they taste better when they are chocolate."  Looks like we got a chocoholic. 
  • Here's an image someone shared on Facebook that I really enjoyed:

  • Well that's all for today. Hope to share some Halloween pictures next week. Thanks for stopping by. Take care.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

Friday, October 23, 2015

Introducing ...

... Hayden the Princess Mermaid.
We are off to our first Halloween party of the year, and Little Miss Hayden is going to tell you all about it.
If something gets lost in translation, let me know as I speak pretty good 3 1/2 almost 4-year-old.

Have a great weekend. Thanks for stopping by.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

Friday, October 16, 2015

Random Acts of Shifeness: It's on Like Donkey Kong

  • Well this is embarrassing. I just learned that the "Donkey Game" video game doesn't feature a donkey. I guess the game, which was imported from Japan, was supposed to be called "Monkey Game" but something got lost in translation and Monkey sounded like Donkey when the big wigs were having their conference call. You can teach an old dog new tricks. 
  • Mrs. Shife and I took the kiddos to a new park last weekend and it had a zip line. I will let you decide if Hayden thought it was a blast
  • My favorite quote of the week: He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has. – Epictetus
  • My favorite thing of the week: Listening to Hayden explain to the carpet cleaners that even though she's a girl she can still be a king.
  • My least favorite thing of the week: The Cardinals eliminated by the Cubs in the playoffs. 
  • I found this picture amusing because I think some people read too much into words or movies and try to make it more than it actually might be. Or maybe it's just me. 

  • I was getting a lot of spam comments so I had to turn on the word verification thingy - yes I do believe that's the technical name for it - and if you have any issues with it, please let me know. 
  • Thanks for stopping by. Have a good weekend.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Friday, October 09, 2015

Random Acts of Shifeness the Squirrel 911 Version

  • Tank Tank can cross "Catch a Squirrel" off his bucket list. Mister Basset found a baby squirrel to play with in the back yard this week. I got out there in time to hopefully save the little tree-dwelling rodent. I transported the squirrel to the vet and when he becomes a famous water-skiing squirrel he better remember the dude that saved his life. 

  • In case you were wondering - and I know you were - what else is on Tank's bucket list, well here it is: Lead sled dog in Iditarod, make out with the black lab down the block, eat cheese until he explodes, never take a bath again, ride in a convertible and unlimited belly rubs. 
  • Mrs. Shife and I had the opportunity to see "A River Runs Through It" in the theaters again last night, and it was awesome. A local theater plays classic movies about once a month, and it's just another reason why we love living in Boise freakin' Idaho. It had been a long time since I saw "A River Runs Through It" and it's still one of my favorites. Beautiful, tragic, inspiring and powerful. I definitely sobbed a lot more watching it this time.
  • Hayden Belle is enjoying pre-school quite a lot and here's a picture of her from a recent field trip to the pumpkin patch. 
  • Another softball season has come to a close for Mr. Shife, and this is the first year in a long time that I wasn't quite ready for it to end. Maybe it has something do with the weather as it has been incredibly nice (it's supposed to be 88 and sunny tomorrow) or maybe it's because I was only playing on one team. Whatever the case I am looking forward to another year of softball in 2016. 
  • Well that's all for this week. Hope all is well in your corner of the world. Take care my friends and talk to you soon. 

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Friday, October 02, 2015

Random Acts of Shifeness: Butt of Jokes

  • You know it's going to be an interesting day when you are at the doctor's office, bent over an exam table with your shorts around your ankles and the doctor asks for a ruler. 
  • What the what? 
  • I thought I wrote about this but I think the incident predated my blog. I have a lipoma on my derriere. At the bottom of the butt crack. Not painting a good enough picture for you? Well here's a terrible artist rendering of the lipoma on my bottom:
  • I think I might have taken some liberties with the word artist. 
  • I also think that looks more like an aerial view of cleavage or a sideways 3 more than a butt. 
  • I call the lipoma "Fatty Arbuckle" because a lipoma is a fat deposit and Fatty Arbuckle sounded like an excellent name for my unwanted friend. 
  • The lipoma was removed about 10 years ago but it has come back with a vengeance, and that's why the doctor wanted the ruler because Fatty Arbuckle is a big boy. 
  • I was hoping I could live with Fatty Arbuckle but he has gotten to be so large that it's affecting stuff like my running as it's rubbing against my other cheek. I am not going to give you another terrible rendering so you will have to use your imagination on that one. 
  • Oh wow. I can feel all of the love as a lot of you are thinking about my butt. 
  • OK that is enough talk of my ass. 
  • Well that's all for this week, folks. Have a good weekend.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Saturday, September 26, 2015

Random Acts of Shifeness: A Day Late

  • I apologize for missing my usual Friday update but my marriage turned 11.
  • 11 years. Hard to believe, huh? I saw a quote the other day that reminded me of the day I met Mrs. Shife, "Love isn't something you find. Love is something that finds you." And that is how it worked with us. It was the last thing we were looking for but stuff like that is out of your control sometimes. I try to thank my lucky stars every day for Mrs. Shife's love. Looking forward to spending the rest of my life with her.
  • And if you want to read about how I met Mrs. Shife well you can read all about it here
  • I just read that they were making an Angry Birds movie and then I saw the trailer, and it doesn't look that bad. Kyle and Hayden love Angry Birds so they were pretty excited when I showed them the trailer. The only downside is the movie doesn't come out until next May so we will be practicing patience. A lot. 
  • If you or someone you know is interested in my book, well today is your lucky day. And tomorrow too. It's available to download for free right here
  • Hayden has made up her mind and she is going to be a mermaid for Halloween. Kyle wants to be Elmo, and that is proving difficult because they don't really make Elmo costumes in his size so we are panicking a little bit trying to make this happen. 
  • I might have exaggerated a bit about us panicking because we aren't. I just wanted an excuse use the gif of Beaker in my blog.
  • What's that? You want me to share another gif. Sounds good to me. They can teach us such valuable lessons like make sure you lock that door. 

  • Thanks for stopping by. Have a good one.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Friday, September 18, 2015

Shallow Thoughts from Mr. Shife

  • Yes it's Random Acts of Shifeness but I just thought I needed to change the name, and I felt it would have been false advertising if I called it "Deep Thoughts."
  • And I think "Shallow Thoughts" might be stretching it since I'm just sharing mostly pictures.

  • I don't know if my future financial outlook looks promising based on how much fun Hayden had trying to grab as much money as possible. What do they say about a fool and his money?
  • Tank got some mail. Yes that is what I call my dog sometimes. There's a story behind the mail but it will have to wait for another day because the final chapter hasn't been written yet.

  • We got a visit from the tooth fairy this week as Kyle lost his first tooth. Don't mind the apple all over his face. We didn't have time for hair and make up. When you have breaking news, you have to get the story out there.

  • What do you think of Kyle's magic show? I recorded his rehearsal and he did all of the work setting up the stage, the seating area and making invitations. Unfortunately it rained so he didn't get to perform but I thought he was pretty entertaining. I might be a little biased. 

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

Friday, September 11, 2015

Random Acts of Shifeness the Melancholy Version

--> Hard to believe it's been 14 years since 9/11.
This day brings up a lot of raw emotions for everybody.
Personally, I remember being really scared and really sad.
I worked at a newspaper at the time and it was all hands on deck after it happened.
I was working 16-hour days and my job was to help get out a newspaper, which meant I was immersed in 9/11 stories all day long.
I was staring at the images of the planes crashing, the people who were killed and other tragic pictures day in and day out.
I almost lost it a few times but I was able to keep my shit together at work but when I got home from work I blubbered like a baby.
I just sat in my room sobbing uncontrollably.
--> The 9/11 anniversary coupled with the news that I had two friends diagnosed with cancer will make this week memorable for not the right reasons.
--> It doesn't even feel right to try and make this blog post a little more upbeat after but I will try.
--> I have met people that are overwhelmed or underwhelmed but I don't recall ever saying hello to a person that was whelmed.
Are you just feeling neutral if you are whelmed?
Damn it people I need answers.
--> Remember last week when I talked about how cold it was?
What? You don't remember?
I was wearing my brief jerky edible underwear.

Does the picture help?
Ahhh, now you remember.
Well we went from summer to fall in one day as it was in the 60s last weekend.
Now we are back to summer as it supposed to be 96 tomorrow.
Then it gets back to more normal next week as it will be in the 70s.
One last hurrah for the brief jerkies.
--> The B got a little cut off but I bet you can't guess what town Hayden was in?

--> She's actually in Boise a lot since that's where we live but I thought it was good place to get a photo of Little Miss Hayden.
--> Here's a photo of both of them after we went for a hike.

--> That''s all. Thanks for stopping by. Talk to you soon.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.