Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Dr. Phil's son engaged to Playboy triplet. And here is a photo of the triplets. I don't know which one is which, but they are triplets so it really doesn't matter.
I bet he is at home practicing his "I thought it was you" line.
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Between naps and vegetative states I was fooling around with Mr. TiVo and they had a 22-minute season recap of "Lost" and a 30-second promo for the second season. It looks like they are going to explore the other side of the island and they kept saying everything happens for a reason. Well, thank you marketing geniuses at ABC. All I know is they better explain a lot of shit real soon and pick up the pace a little bit, and no more waiting a month for a new episode because that is seriously bull shit.
Finally after much though about P. Diddy becoming just Diddy I have a perfect venture for the man formerly known as Puffy. He should come up with pregnancy tests and he can call them Diddy or Didn't He Early Pregnancy Tests.
Monday, August 29, 2005
Thursday, August 25, 2005
- College football starts in one week.
- I have my fantasy football draft Saturday.
- I would like to officially call toilet seat covers "ass sombreros" or "ass hats."
- Running is overrated but it sure is better than being fat.
- As my alloted TV watching time is of the essence, I going to only try out two new shows this fall and they are both on Fox, "Prison Break" and "Reunion."
- I am really digging this new beer by Lagunitas.
- You know how soliders paint targets with lasers so planes can drop bombs with pinpoint accuracy? Well somebody called in an air strike on my forehead last night because I woke up with a frikin' crater today baby.
- F/X picks up "Rescue Me" for a third season. Very nice.
- I'm pretty stoked about the third season of "Nip/Tuck."
- My wife and I will be taking a trip to Mexico in October to see Roger Clyne and The Peacemakers and to celebrate our first year of marriage. Yeah Shifleys.
- Do you want to put yourself in a bad mood? Drop a piece of furniture on the hood of your 2004 car. That should do it, I know it sent my blood pressure threw the roof.
- Boycott Blockbuster and use Netflix.
- Cable is for pussies. Get satellite.
- You know the decals they put on football helmets if you make a good play? For example, Florida State players get those little tomahawks that they put all over their helmets. Well if I had to pick some pride decals for Quincy, my beloved basset hound, they would be sheep because that little round mound of hound has lulled my wife and I to sleep so many times. We call him the shut-eye master.
- My wife and I are also planning to go to New Zealand in the fall of 2006. It is either going to be our last selfish act and we are going to start a family or we are going to hang out with my wang out.
- Madden '06 is pretty effin' cool but I have yet to master the QB vision thing yet.
- I wish I could go to the Corner Club in Moscow, ID for a tub. The best bar ever.
- Our fearless leader, George W., visited our state yesterday. Just remember the first casualty of war is the truth.
- Great Halloween outfit idea -- Fallopian Swim Team Captain. Wear a white shirt, white shorts, white swim cap and goggles.
- Cross Canadian Ragweed is playing at a club in Boise for Halloween. That is not a bad way to spend the evening. I think I am going out as Fat Elvis again.
- Always feed the kitty.
- Classic line from "Chappelle's Show": Beat your dick like it owes you money.
1. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
2. Most dogs are immortal.
3. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St.Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
4. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
5. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
6. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
7. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
8. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
9. If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition -even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
10. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
11. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
12. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
13. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
14. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
15. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
16. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
17. The Chief of Police is always black.
18. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
19. Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
20. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
21. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
22. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
23. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
24. The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
25. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a sports stadium.
26. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
27. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
28. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
29. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
30. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
31. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
32. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
33. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
34. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
35. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
36. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
37. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
38. No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
39. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
40. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
41. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
42. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
43. An electric fence powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
44. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
A few observations from this truly trashy show that further indicates to me that I will watch almost anything on TV. From what I can gather it costs at least $1,000 to spend an hour with one of these gals, and I have heard some of them mention $3,000 per hour. I guess it depends on how many miles you got on the odometer. And is an aging escort who gets a boob job the equivalent of someone turning back the miles on a car's odometer. Just a random thought.
Anyway you have to shell out some cash to play with these ladies. And let's assume I was a single man who had some disposable cash and really wanted to get laid. Well from what I have seen none of these ladies are worth that price of admission to the poonanny palace. Vaseline, a bottle of Jack Daniels and a porno and you will wake in the morning thinking you screwed everyone in the Playboy Mansion. I mean that is a lot of money for an hour's worth of work, and that leads me to my other point. The guys that they show with the ladies appear to be the second coming, pun completely unintended, of Ron Jeremy. Not because they have huge weiners but because they are like marathon humpers. These dudes are going balls to the wall for like an hour straight and unless they took some viagra, speed, and super glued their penis shut, these are not your typical guys. And if I did last that long I would need a frickin' break. I have sent my underpants navy out into battle before and they have always come back victorious and they sure as shit didn't need an hour.
So I admit to the world today that I can't last 60 minutes in bed. I may take some heat for this one but if I am the only brave enought to admit it then so be it, but I know I have a satisfied customer at home and that is all that matters. She is going to be mad at me for that one.
My point is where are all the average dudes that do their business and still have 45 minutes left on the clock. What do they get? Is it once and you are done? Do they cuddle?
I think you are better off with the Vaseline and booze plan.
But remember what God does everytime you masterbate?
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
I apologize for the graphic nature of this blog but hey this is my life and shit happens.
So I am taking this new supplement called NO-XPLODE. It is nitrous oxide and it is suppose to pump you up. Well it is working but it is also giving my colon a work out as well. You are suppose to take it on an empty stomach and wait about 30 minutes before you start pumping iron. So that is what I do and about halfway through my workout my stomach starts rumbling and I send out a fart balloon (similar to a weather balloon so you can determine atmospheric conditions) to see how toxic my gas is. Well the fart balloon produces no adverse effects so I continue to work out and faberge (that's French for fart. OK, it is not but I like the way it sounds.) Everything is going good until the farts decide they want to solidify their presence if you know what I mean. It just hit me faster than a basset hound through Chinatown, diarrhea cha-cha-cha. And the gym is not the best place for this to happen because you are grunting anyway so lifting weights and squeezing cheese are not good dance partners. So I clinched my cheeks and prevented another sharting incident. I made it to the bathroom and everything went smoothly.
But it got me thinking .... what are the worst places to get hit with a sudden, crippling case of diarrhea? Like I said the gym is pretty bad but I believe an orgy would be even worse. Also the nude beach would not be an agreeable situation.
I am interested in hearing other people's suggestions.
Monday, August 22, 2005
Me and my arm candy saw the "40-Year-Old Virgin" this weekend and it was awesome. I still think "Wedding Crashers" was better but that is just because I am having a love affair with Vince Vaughn right now. So for those of you keeping score at home, it goes "Batman Begins," "Wedding Crashers," and "40-Year-Old Virgin."
Anyway I won't ruin it for the virgin "Virgins" out there but the chest waxing scene is piss your pantolones funny. I waxed my chest one, and I am no Teen Wolf like Steve Carrell, and it hurt like hell. I felt the pain all the way down to my balls. It actually feels like your chest is being ripped open. I only did it once and I will never, ever do it again.
There is also a great moment with Paul Ruud's character and a video camera and they also integrated a masterbation scene with Lionel Richie's "Hello." You can't go wrong with the L train.
On a more depressing note, "Six Feet Under" ended its run last night. It was a really great episode and gave the fans all the closure they needed. I did not like the way they had Keith die but other than that it was pretty darn good.
And I saw the previews for a new season of "Growing up Gotti," and just watching the 30-second promo makes me want to throw up a little bit inside my mouth. This is another sign of the crumbling society that is Western civilization. I have more taste in my penis.
Friday, August 19, 2005
As I am waiting in line at the dining experience known as The Panda Express a woman in front of me says, "Sir you can go ahead. I am going to be awhile."
For the most part that statement is pretty harmless but it just boiled my balls because this lady is a good 10 years older than me.
I was dressed in my work clothes, which is business professional, so I did kind of have that suburban superstar look about me but for for the love of tuna fish sandwiches I don't want to be a sir. Sirs are old people and that ain't me.
I don't feel that old, I don't look that old and I am not that old.
So I have decided that I want to be called dude instead of sir. It just sounds better. For example, "Dude you can go ahead of me" or "Dude can I help you?"
Oh, screw it, I will let dialogue from one of greatest movies ever explain how I feel.
"Let me explain something to you. Um, I am not "Mr. Lebowski". You're Mr. Lebowski. I'm the Dude. So that's what you call me. You know, that or, uh, His Dudeness, or uh, Duder, or El Duderino if you're not into the whole brevity thing." -- "The Big Lebowski" (1998)
Have a good one.
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Which leads me to another point, the NCAA and the banning of offensive mascots like the Illini, Seminoles, Utes, etc. Go fuck yourself and do something important, Mr. NCAA. Why don't you try to improve the graduation rates or get rid of the BCS bowl system? It just makes no sense to me that organizations like the NCAA can actually do some good for the student-athletes like helping more of them graduate but they would rather further alienate themselves from the mainstream public with this horse shit. I just think Native Americans have bigger problems to worry about than colleges using them as mascots. I do believe that a majority of the schools actually have permission from the tribes to use the names. If it is offensive to these cultures then give them a percentage of the merchandising revenue so the Native Americans can make their lives better.
What else do I have? Oh yeah great news, P. Diddy will now just go by Diddy. Hey Diddy, you should be getting a memo from America soon that says blow me.
Get those junk mail bastards back. Send them some garbage.
I really need to end this on a positive note, I am spewing a lot of hatred today.
Ummm, let's see, college football and the NFL are back baby. Woo-hoo. Go Cardinals. Yep, that's right I am a fan of the Arizona Cardinals. The last time they were any good was on my PS2, but rumors out of the desert are that they are looking pretty shit hot. I watched their first preseason game and I liked what I saw especially from the defense.
Good times and I will leave you with this terrible pickup line, "You must be wearing space pants because your ass looks out of this world."
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Well the final piece to the puzzle arrives Friday. The final cinematic treat to my summer film palate. There were three movies that I have been drooling over this summer, "Batman Begins," "The Wedding Crashers," and , play that funky music white boy, "The 40-Year-Old Virgin." Yes, I did not put "Star Wars" down, sorry brother-in-law, but my hard on for "Star Wars" movies died about 6 years when they released that garbage called "Episode 1."
So I am pretty jacked about the "Virgin." It has gotten favorable reviews and frickin' Steve Carrell is the man. For those of you who don't know who he is, he was the jerk newscaster in "Bruce Almighty" and he played Brick in "Anchorman," the guy on the right in the glasses in above picture.
Anyone who hasn't seen "Batman" or "Wedding Crashers" should do so immediately because they are both, to borrow a line from "Seinfeld," real and spectacular.
So Friday I will go forth and laugh at this virgin's antics with my lovely wife by side and give you my loyal readers all the details. Just the details about the movie of course. If my wife and I decide to go to no-pants town after the show then you will just have to rely on your imagination.
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
If you are into indigenous nudity and get off reading National Geographics, then you need to watch "Going Tribal" on the Discovery Channel. Talk about hanging out with your wang out, I haven't seen this much dick since the Cubs Fan Fest last year.
I read the weather report today and I didn't see anything about a shit storm. I just having a bad week so far. Yesterday it was hotter than hell in my office and my desk fall apart literally. My drawer just fell out and it sounded like I fell out of my chair according to my co-workers. I then went home and slept for two hours because that is what wild and crazy guys do, and then I was up until 2 in the morning because I couldn't sleep. So guess what? I am tired today because I only got 4 hours of sleep last night. I swear if I was a dog somebody would kick me in the face.
I guess it is just my week to be in a funk.
Monday, August 15, 2005
So in summary it is very warm outside and if I had a choice I would be wearing shorts and my flip flops to better blend in to my environment but I am at work so I have to wear my fancy pants which is normally fine but today it kind of blows because my office has no AC and a rat who just got busy with another rat in a wool sock had to cancel his visit to our office because he said it was way too hot.
I am going mad, the heat is getting to me.
Friday, August 12, 2005
I had a company outing on Wednesday where we played golf. I have never really liked golf and the whole experience did nothing to change my views. It is not like I am terrible at golf because I am not. I am a pretty athletic guy and I know I would be decent at golf if I invested the time but I just don't care. I would rather suck the white filling out of twinkies in a porta potty at an 'N Sync concert but that is just me.
Have you been so drunk that you slurred your thoughts?
I am really enjoying these new shows on F/X, "Over There" and "Starved." "Over There" is about the war in Iraq and it is a little tough to watch sometimes but it is a pretty good drama. "Starved" on the other hand is wickedly funny. The episode last night spent the first few minutes talking about sex and fingers in your butt and it was some of the funniest dialogue I have heard in awhile.
I can't wait to see "The 40-year-old Virgin" next Friday.
I don't agree with Terrell Owens and his contract dispute. He signed his contract so he should play. But last night he mentioned how he played in the Super Bowl and he signed a waiver that if he got injured he wouldn't sue anyone, and if he did get hurt the Eagles would have probably cut him because his career would be over. It is a valid point by T.O. and I think the Eagles could maybe give him some love for that like a nice bonus, but don't be a punk just because you are unhappy with your contract.
The flux capacitor is now for sale.
I have never heard of this but it looks quite interesting.
Beware of the Prom Ninja.
Peace out blog nation and have yourself a great weekend.
Thursday, August 11, 2005
A 37-year-old woman did not realize she was pregnant until she was ready to give birth. I can't find the news story but here is a link to her interview on the "Today" show. I
am not a lady but how can you not know you are with child. Seriously I need some help here to try and understand this.
A bikini bleeps every 15 minutes so you don't burn in case you fall asleep. The Tan Timer Bikini is being launched in Britain.
Now they just need to come up with a bikini that bleeps to tell you that you are too fat to be wearing said bikini. And of course a version for the speedo so that balding, overweight, hairy back man doesn't go out sporting his banana hammack.
Have you ever had a hard-off? Check out these photos of Tara Reid. I mean she is by no means unattractive but what is going on with this girl. Her lumpy boobs, strange scars on her belly, etc. It may appear that I am superficial but I just think that it is wrong and twisted that women feel compelled that they need to get all these surgeries done just so they can meet Hollywood's expectations. Our society's value are completey warped.
I have added some new friends of the program. Check them out.
I really like blogging.
I have my mother's thighs.
And finally Entertainment Weekly has started the campaign for a sequel to "Big Trouble in Little China." I am so there dude. One of the most fantabulous and cheesiest movies ever made.
"When some wild-eyed, eight-foot-tall maniac grabs your neck, taps the back of your favorite head up against the barroom wall, looks you crooked in the eye and asks you if ya paid your dues, you just stare that big sucker right back in the eye, and you remember what ol' Jack Burton always says at a time like that: "Have ya paid your dues, Jack?" "Yessir, the check is in the mail."
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
That's all, have a nice day.
Monday, August 08, 2005
So I decided to build a deck this weekend. First of all I am not a carpenter or I have I played one on TV, but I figured what the heck and gave it a shot. So I did it and it is by no means the world's greatest deck. It is not even the best deck at my house as the previous owners built a few and knew what they were doing. Anyway I asked my friend who is more skilled in these matters for his help and he told me what to do. So I buy my supplies and start building. Well it turns out that I got things backwards. Those of you with building experience may laugh and those without can use this as advice. I guess you build the frame with pressure-treated wood and then use untreated wood for the deck. Well I built the frame with the untreated wood and used the pressure-treated wood for the top of the deck. So since pressure treated is more expensive than regular lumber I doubled my costs and the thing is going to rot in about 2-3 years. Awesome.
I will not be hosting a home improvement show anytime soon.
Friday, August 05, 2005
Today I bring you the words and wisdom of "Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy."
- "You know how to cut to the core of me, Baxter. You're so wise. You're like a miniature Buddha, covered in hair."
- "I'm going to punch you in the ovary, that's what I'm gonna do. A straight shot, right to the babymaker."
- "Ooooh, it's a formidable scent. Stings the nostrils.""In a good way, right?""Brian, I'm gonna be quite honest with you -- that smells like pure gasoline."
- "I don't usually do this, but I felt compelled to tell you something. You have an absolutely ... breathtaking ... heinie. I mean, that thing's good. I wanna be friends with it."
- "Huh? You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole wheel of cheese? How'd you do that? Actually, I'm not even mad -- that's amazing! How 'bout we get you in your p.j.'s and we hit the hay."
- "I wanna say something. I'm gonna put it out there; if you like it, you can take it, if you don't, send it right back. I want to be on you."
- "I'm Ron Burgundy, go fuck yourself, San Diego."
- "The only way to bag a classy lady is to give her two tickets to the gun show... [kisses his biceps] and see if she likes the goods."
- "Knights of Columbus, that hurt! "
- "I'm proud of you fellas. You all kept your head on a swivel, and that's what you gotta do when you find yourself in a vicious cock fight. "
Thursday, August 04, 2005
So let's hear from you? Post anonymously or cowboy up. Just give me something.
Tell me why you enjoy wearing your girlfriend's panties or why you think George Bush is a giant ass bag.
Did you know spooning leads to forking?
What has been the highlight of your summer?
Do you molest collies?
Have ever seen a grown man naked?
Do you enjoy Turkish wrestling?
What is the best movie you saw this summer?
Do marsupals frighten you?
What book are you currently reading?
Which one could you not give up -- Ipod or TiVo?
What is the worst movie you have seen this summer?
Do you believe in kissing on the first date?
Do you think Chappelle's Show is ever going to come back?
What is the average life span of a major league baseball?
What celebrity would you like to see disappear?
What do they ship styrofoam peanuts in?
Do you have an evil monkey in your closet?
What website must you visit everyday?
Who is your favorite band?
Do you know how to tell the difference between Chip and Dale?
What the hell is Goofy?
Have you ever been crestfallen?
Did you get upset when your name is sullied?
Is there anything funnier than the Daily Show?
How do you spell Cincinnati?
Have you ever been to Boise?
What do chickens think we taste like?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What is your favorite TV show?
Beer or wine?
Where is your dream vacation?
So there you go. There has to be at least one topic or question that inspires you to write a comment to me. I look forward to hearing from you and have a wonderful day.