Get your drink on

OK folks I am going to another football game this weekend, and I am praying to the football gods that we win because I don’t think my liver can handle another loss. But win or lose, I will still booze.
As I am getting older, I can no longer party like a rock star and I have been developing some symptoms that have been problematic. Fortunately, I found a guide to some of my problems. And being the caring, giving man that I am I thought I would share with you in case you are experiencing any of these complications.

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.
ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up; lash self to bar.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing.
ACTION: Panic.


  1. haha that is great- yea I'll be 34 later next week - but I still party like a rock-star :) have a blast! I'm finding as I get older that beer buzzes are much better than liquor/shooter/shot hangovers - jus ask me about last Friday hah

  2. Anonymous10/08/2007

    Who IS the dude who's about to give birth to a watermelon?

    I hope Cher isn't going to see this.

  3. These are symptoms that make me happy in my pants.

  4. I have had many of those symptoms. Thanks for the solutions.

  5. Stay away from beer. It is bad for the kidneys and makes kidney stones. If you must drink, drink something strong that will clear out your digestive track.

  6. Hehehe! I agree with Tina--as I get older, I prefer beer buzzes to the hard liquor shots. I think it still qualifies as rockstar partying!

  7. excellent symptoms to be on the look out for. usually wives are very good at keeping track of symptoms and refreshing your memory the next day.

    moderation is for monks.

  8. When you can't pass the horse in front of you because the fire engine next to you won't get over, it's time to get your drunk ass of the merry-go-round.

    Hope your team wins.

  9. Many of these can be solved with one of those fancy hard hats. You know the one with two beer holders and those crazy straws.


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