Tuesday, February 24, 2009

What Brought You Here Today?

Some of you have me bookmarked and just like to stop by and say hello because you think I am a swell fellow.
So hey you, how's it going? I hope you are a having a super day.
However, not all of my visitors find the dumb, white guy so easily. They actually Google certain words and my blog appears before them like magic. {Cue "The Final Countdown"}
Some of the keywords people use to find themselves in this part of the cyberspace is quite unusual. And I might be mistyping disturbing when I say unusual.
Personally I sleep better at night knowing that if someone is searching for the top 10 most inappropriate erection they are going to find me. But then again I might just be sleeping great at night since the blue devil rode into my life. It is amazing what 47 ounces of Nyquil will do to you. {Alright enough with "The Final Countdown"}
It is also nice to know that through my humanitarian blogging efforts I can supply people with the information they are desperately craving. I might be getting a little ahead of myself here but can you smell what Mr. Shife is cooking? That is right. Hello Nobel Prize.
Below is a list of the recent keyword activity for this blog ranked in order of their popularity, and you definitely notice a trend in some of the topics I write about.
  1. peter heater
  2. confessions of a dumb white guy
  3. list of dislikes
  4. confessions of a stunt cock
  5. anti dr phil
  6. inappropriate erections
  7. dave chappelle's wife
  8. fat guy in a thong
  9. ambush Paddington
  10. captain furry
  11. top 10 most inappropriate erections
  12. good comebacks for stupid people
  13. confessions of a frat guy
  14. thong guy tube
  15. top 10 erections
  16. erections at inappropriate times
  17. yokozuna prank
  18. quincy the basset hound
  19. wonderbread challenge
  20. paranthesis
  21. dogs are forever in the push up position meaning
  22. properly wipe ass
  23. how do i live in a world full of stupid people
  24. why would wife start wearing thongs
  25. dog biscuit funny stories
  26. confessions and cancer and blog
  27. somoa cookies
  28. what percentage of a fart stinks?
  29. fat guy in thong
  30. ambushed Paddington
  31. oliver klozoff.blogspot
  32. dumb white guy commercials
  33. nude sun tanning
  34. nude tanning
  35. poems about bed bugs
  36. dumbest white guys
  37. ed helms video nut cam
  38. can midgets wipe their ass
  39. list your dislikes
  40. feeling light headed all the time and deaf in one ear
  41. guyzillian
  42. nude suntan
  43. guys laughing pain
  44. most inappropriate times to get boners
  45. nothing but white thongs
  46. dumb white idiots getting high together
  47. list of dislikes of the world
  48. guy in thong
  49. my sisters white thong
  50. my wife and her battery operated boyfriend
  51. dad gets erection at inappropriate time
  52. really fat guy
  53. owl street gang monroe Louisiana
  54. wonder bread challenge
  55. rug burn

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • Quincy update: The fat basset is doing well. We will not know how good until we see the vet again next week but after a few rough days after the surgery he seems to be back to his old self which is nice. Honestly last week was tough because we thought we were going to have to put him down and just having the third roommate back home is awesome. Mrs. Shife and I are thinking of it as a Basset cruise. We extended Quincy's life for maybe 6 months or maybe 2 years but whatever the case may be we are going to enjoy the fat basset cruise with Captain Furry Pants at the helm as long as we can.
  • Speaking of Quincy how come every time I go in the back yard I always manage to step in a pile of his crap but dogs never step in it. I think I might start pooping in the back yard to get me revenge. Or maybe I should pick up his poop more often.
  • I can't recall where I picked up this beauty of a saying - "I am going to scale Mount Rushmore and dick slap Thomas Jefferson" - but if you take that exact phrase in quotes and do a Google search only one website shows up and yep it is mine. You probably could have made it through your day without knowing that but you know how I love to share.
  • And if you are in a searching mood you will see that I am still hanging in there for Ambushed Paddington. If you don't know what an Ambushed Paddington is you probably do not want to know but feel to click this Ambushed Paddington link to learn more. It is under the Shameless Plug post.
  • Thank you to everyone who voted on what shirt I should wear with Baby Shifley during our first photo opportunity. It looks like (C) was the winner. I will have to run it by the Boss for the final vote. And by the Boss I mean Bruce Springsteen. We are very close.
  • Well I have to wrap things up. I have to teach a water aerobics class in 20 minutes. Have a good rest of your day and enjoy the weekend.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Fashion advice

What shirt should I wear when I get my first picture taken with Baby Shifley?





Thursday, February 12, 2009

Captain Furry Pants update

Quincy got a thumbs up from Don Rickles after he heard the fat basset's surgery went well.
He probably will not be drinking or smoking for awhile but all signs point to a good quality of life.

So he is going to get some rest

And we are looking forward to spending another Christmas with our beloved basset and his new best friend, Baby Shifley. It will be a very special day for our family.

Finally, thank you to each and everyone of you. Mrs. Shife, Quincy, and I are very appreciative of your warm thoughts and support.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Positive thoughts please

Mrs. Shife and I got some really bad news yesterday. Our beloved basset was diagnosed with an oseteosarcoma (bone cancer) in his upper jaw. It is a very aggressive cancer and we feared the worst going to the vet this morning as we fully expected that we would have to put Quincy down today. Fortunately after a cat scan (don't you think they could at least call it a dog scan) the cancer has not spread to the rest of his body and with a maxillectomy (removal of a portion of his upper jaw) the fat basset should be as good as new.
So Captain Furry Pants will have surgery tomorrow and if you could send some positive thoughts our way it would be greatly appreciated.

If you have not seen the great furbowksi in action here is a link to his YouTube clip and you can see why we are not ready to say goodbye yet to our furry little friend.

Monday, February 09, 2009


And if you put that in the acronym machine you get - Stupid Question of the Week or Sexual Quality of the Welsh. I think I will go with the first choice.
So never say never right? But what one place on Earth where you have lived will you never, ever live again?
I was a military brat so I got the joy (and yes that was typed in a sarcastic tone) of living in a lot of places but the one spot I would never, ever want to reside again would be Minot, North Dakota.
Why not Minot? Well first off it is in North Dakota, it is flat, it is cold, it is windy, and did I mention it is in North Dakota. Other than that it was great.
So dear readers what one place will you never, ever live again?

Find the joy in life.

Thursday, February 05, 2009

How are you feeling?

Well I feel like I suck. I feel as about as appealing as a warm cup of mayonnaise.
Just read my previous blog post.
I should get my blogging privileges revoked for posting garbage like that.
You deserve better.
But that is just one of my problems.
I feel like if I don't get a certain amount of comments or make my blog amusing then I am a failure.
This is my blog and I should write whatever the hell I want but I don't.
I am afraid if I don't bring the funny or write something interesting then nobody will read my blog.
Am I insecure or what?
I don't even know if this post will see the light of day because I feel like I am revealing too much about myself. And do you even what to hear about that part of my life?
I can hear the clicks now as people are going to a new website.
Are you still there? I applaud you if have made it this far.
Seriously if you just want to skim down to the bottom of the page then I understand.
But if you feel like listening then please continue because I need to put together some more vowels and consonants that will hopefully lead to some coherent thoughts.
This whole week I have felt like I am going to have a nervous breakdown? Am I too young for one? I have also felt angry for no rational reason at all. For example, I was at the gym running on the treadmill and Fox News was on and I literally wanted to stop running and beat the the TV to its electronic death with my Nikes. Why do I let something like that bother me so much? It is just a stupid television program.
All the bad news going on in the world is not helping my demeanor.
I am just waiting for that switch to get turned on when people put their differences aside and just do what is right for everyone and not just them.
Damn it people need help right now. Quit talking and get to work.
I also feel completely overwhelmed and unprepared in my life right now.
I don't know if it is the fact that Baby Shifley will be here soon and I feel like I am going to be a complete failure as a father.
I look at other people's children and I swear they stare back at me with this look on their face like they now I have a better chance at herding cats than raising a kid.
I miss my Mother a lot, and wish I could just talk to her because she would help talk me off the ledge. The stuff I am worried about is nothing compared to what she was dealing with before I was born.
She was a recently divorced single mother trying to figure out how her and a little boy were going to make it in this world. And we did make it, and she raised me right. But I know she had to be scared but I never knew it or felt it. She always made me feel safe and took care of me.
I know she had to make sacrifices and I just hope she knows how much I appreciate all she did.
I should put my faith in that and know that her judgment and instincts are part of who I am and will be there to help me make the right decisions as I welcome a child into this world.
But it is hard telling myself that and trying to relax.
I just can't shake the feelings of anxiety.
But then I hear something.
It is a silly little song that never really meant anything to me before but tonight it means a lot.
It means it will be OK.
I just have to have faith in that.

I will be watching over you
I am gonna help you see it through
I will protect you in the night
I am smiling next to you...in silent lucidity.

I'll take C words for $400, Alex

Alex: A common sexually transmitted disease (STD) caused by the bacterium, Chlamydia trachomatis, is what some people wished they had instead of watching another commercial for this product that has reached cult status.

Mr. Shife: What is chlamydia?

By now I think all of us have seen a commercial for the Snuggie - the blanket with sleeves. Or a robe as the rest of the world calls it. Here are some parodies of the Snuggie that will make you laugh instead of wanting chlamydia.

Monday, February 02, 2009

I'll take C words for $200, Alex

Alex: This word originated in the 16th century and means you are dejected; dispirited; discouraged.
Mr. Shife: What is crestfallen.

I know it is only a game, and the sun did rise again, but I am little blue about my Cardinals losing to the Steelers in the Super Bowl.
I will be fine in a few days, but right now I am just little bummed about the game.
Have a good week.