Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Season's Greetings

If you are a frequent visitor to this blog, you know I hold a certain someone with extreme affection, admiration, and adoration. Yes, of course, I am talking about my lovely wife, Mrs. Shife. But the other person I hold pretty close to my heart is our dog, Quincy. The fat basset has been with us for almost 7 years, and I can’t imagine life without him. Well, unfortunately, we almost had to deal with that scenario recently. Our beloved basset was experiencing major discomfort and he was diagnosed with a bladder infection. Well a few days later he was still hurting, and now he could hardly walk. He was dragging his hind legs like he had two flat tires in the rear. Well it turns out that Captain Furry Pants did not have a bladder infection but he had some bulging discs pinching his spinal cord, which resulted in him losing feeling in his hind legs. His condition had deteriorated so rapidly that he was rushed into surgery after the prognosis was made. Three days later Quincarelli came home and the doctors say he has about a 90% recovery to make a full recovery. But for the next month, Quincy dog has to be confined to a play pen and we have to help him whenever he needs to go outside to do his business. Right now we are not getting a lot of sleep taking care of the big guy, but I am just glad he is home with us and he is going to get better. So I probably won’t do much blogging until after the new year but I just wanted to explain to everyone my absence. Mrs. Shife and I are extremely grateful to have our furball home, and we wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.








Wednesday, December 13, 2006

How to spread holiday cheer

'Tis the season to piss people off. Here are several options to make sure you succeed in your mission. Happy Holidays!

  1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
  2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
  3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
  4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
  5. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
  6. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
  7. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
  8. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
  9. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
  10. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
  11. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
  12. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
  13. Honk and wave to strangers.
  14. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
  15. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
  16. type only in lowercase.
  17. dont use any punctuation either
  18. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
  19. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
    "DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
    "What?"
    "Never mind, it's gone now."
  20. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
  21. Ask people what gender they are.
  22. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
  23. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
  24. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
  25. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Yummy!

With Christmas fast approaching, you might be scrambling to find that perfect dish to take to a holiday party or for your family dinner. Here are some delicious choices from Heimlich’s Delicatessen. Please place your orders soon as I am sure these delicacies will be in high demand.

Toffee Crab Meat Frittata – Open-faced, six-egg omelet with crushed jalapenos, sumptuous lumps of imitation crab meat, sliced American cheese, and Bob’s homemade toffee.

The Ginormous One – 96 oz. of pure beef served with a pound of crispy, glistening bacon. If you finish it, you will get a free ride to the hospital.

Goat & Lobster Stew – A zesty blend of the pasture and sea, topped with poached eggs and flash-fried maraschino cherries.

Bok Choy Burrito – Pureed bok choy and guacamole interwoven with Gorgonzola cheese and salami, gently hand-wrapped in a homemade caraway seed and anise tortilla. Drizzled with clam juice.

Shetland Pony Dumplings – The finest free-range ponies, encased in thick, doughy bubbles then fried or microwaved to perfection.

Strawberry Bleu Cheese Melt – Generous chunks of aged bleu cheese whipped into a dreamy mix of fresh strawberries, roasted garlic, and curry powder. You have to smell it to believe it.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Yokozuna revisted

I wrote about this several months ago but at the time I was not accepting comments. Since I have successfully pulled my head out of my rectum and fully embraced the wonderful world of blogging again, I would love to hear what you wonderful folks have to say about Yokozuna. And who knows it might be the perfect gift for that person who is always difficult to shop for.

I have no idea where the origins of this juvenile prank began but for some reason its memory surfaced in my gray matter recently, and now I must release it into the wild.
Basically, a Yokozuna is an act where one places his bare bottom on another’s face in stealth or Ninja mode, shouts Yokozuna, and then hilarity usually follows unless of course you are the one sleeping and wake up to find a hairy, smelly turd cutter in your face.
Does that make sense?
Here is the breakdown: Bob is sleepy so he decides to take a nap. Bob’s roommates, Ed and Theodore, are not tired and full of mischief because they just split a fifth of whiskey. Ed and Theodore notice the slumbering Bob. Ed talks Theodore into giving Bob a Yokozuna. Theodore drops his shorts, and does his best imitation of a Ninja while he hovers his bare ass over Bob’s face. Ed and Theodore nearly give it away because they are giggling like a couple of school girls anticipating the oncoming butt splash Bob is about to receive. Ed pulls himself together momentarily and instructs Theodore to do the same. Theodore maneuvers his assy matter into position, and then Ed yells Yokozuna at the top of his lungs. Still half-asleep, Bob wakes up quite confused and unsure of his surroundings. His baffled mind tries to comprehend why someone shouted Toyota and why there is a foul smell in the air. And why are people laughing? He raises his head to gauge the situation when his forward motion is abruptly stopped by something … something with flesh and hair and stench and OH MY GOD Did Ed and Theodore give me a Yokozuna? At last Bob’s mind registers that he is now enjoying a face-full of ass compliments of his roommates.
So there you go kiddies, please pass along the fun-filled gift that is Yokozuna.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Where in the world is Mr. Shife?

He was last seen drinking copious amounts of Nyquil and sobbing quietly to himself in the corner after being assaulted by an anal thermometer. Once he feels better, he will return to his regularly scheduled blogging.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Shameless Plug

I ran across a podcast called "Never Not Funny" that mentioned a particular phrase that I thought was quite amusing. So a dozen is 12, a baker's dozen is 13, and a lazy baker's dozen is 11. I have no idea why I find the concept of a lazy baker’s dozen comical, but I do. So in honor of the term and in an attempt to get this particular blog mentioned on this fine podcast, I proudly present in no particular order Mr. Shife's 11 coolest tribute bands.
  • The Dan Band – "Total Eclipse of the Heart" never sounded better. These guys rocked "Old School,” and sing other songs made famous by women.
  • Super Diamond – No this is not Screech’s gay porno nickname, who seems to be a giant douche bag in real life according to the Wikipedia entry. Super Diamond is a tribute band to Neil Diamond.
  • MiniKISS – The rock-n-roll greatness of KISS combined with midgets. Seriously, is that awesome or what?
  • Hair Supply – In case you ever wanted to bang your head to Air Supply – a heavy metal tribute to the two-man band that make “Siegfried & Roy” look straight.
  • AC/DShe – For those about to rock, I salute you with this all-female AC/DC cover band.
  • Ambushed Paddington – These guys are nuts. Oh wait; this is not a tribute band but the name of finishing move when you are having sex. I guess it is a tribute, sort of, to teddy bears. An Ambushed Paddington is when you pull out just when you're about to "finish" and you finish all over her teddy bear.
  • Slippery When Wet – Not another sex move, but actually a Bon Jovi tribute band. It is your chance to break out your ripped pants, let the mullet down, and fill the air with Aqua Net all over again.
  • Mandonna – An all-male tribute to the Material Girl. Personally, I think Madonna got plenty of tributes from high school males back in the day if you know what I mean. I always felt like I was touched for the very first time.
  • Dread Zeppelin – This band plays Led Zeppelin songs in a reggae style with a lead singer who looks like Elvis Presley. Almost as cool as the KISS midgets.
  • Gabba – This group perform the songs of ABBA in the style of The Ramones. Interesting but weird. Kind of like my fascination with David Hasselhoff.
  • Beatallica – A satire tribute band that plays music made from combinations of songs of The Beatles and Metallica. I can’t say this would be my favorite combination, but it sure beats hanging out with Mark Foley at a Boy Scout Jamboree.


P.S. Happy Thanksgiving and safe travels to everyone. And remember it is probably the only time of the year where it is safe to say "Just spread the legs open and stuff it in."

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Stupid is as Stupid does

This may or may not be a regular feature, but I proudly present to you my nominees for “Jackass of the Month” for November. I will announce the winner sometime next month based on your votes.

Nominee #1
A man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When the travel agent pulled up the reservation, she noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When she asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

Nominee #2
A botched kidnapping ended with one of the assailants shooting himself in the groin, Wichita police said. The man had just stuck the gun back into his waistband when it fired, shooting him in the left testicle.

Nominee #3
Here’s the situation: You’re too drunk to drive yourself and your son home. What do you do?
a. Attach feathers to each other and learn how to fly
b. Call a cab and make the little guy pay for it to teach him a hard, simultaneous lesson about life, money and how he won’t have much of neither
c. Vomit
d. Let the little guy drive


Nominee #4
The traditional version of the Scientology wedding that Tom Cruise and his anointed will have Saturday includes telling him that girls need "clothes and food and tenderness and happiness and frills, a pan, a comb, perhaps a cat" and telling her that "young men are free and may forget" their promises.


Nominee #5
Relatives of the victims in the Simpson slayings case are lashing out at the planned publication of a book by O.J. Simpson in which he discusses how he would have committed the killings of his ex-wife and her friend "if I did it."


So please place your vote accordingly in your comment.

Nominee #1 – Rental car moron
Nominee #2 – Kidnapping moron
Nominee #3 – Drunk moron
Nominee #4 – Wedding moron
Nominee #5 – Hypothetical murder moron

Monday, November 13, 2006

WTF?????


I was cleaning up my blog, and looking at some posts that never saw the light of the day. And then I ran across this gem.
First things first, I swear on everything that is holy that I am not the author of this question. Secondly, guys like this should not be allowed to procreate. And finally, there is never, ever, I repeat never, ever a good reason to put chemicals on your nuts.

So here is the link to the guy's question and the answers to his query, or you can read just the question below.

I used Nair For Men Roll On and got some serious burns or something. I have no idea why really. I have used it before on my genitals and all went well, but this time things went awry. I think that I may have had it on a little too long, but I'm not sure. The hair didn't come all the way off, and I got some red patches on my scrotum. I just treated it best as I could, and tried not to touch the affected area because it hurt like I don't know what.... Just really bad! ON Friday, I wasn't sure if I wanted to wear underwear, but I had to go somewhere, so I went ahead and put underwear on. Later that day I pulled my underwear off and too my surprise the underwear had stuck to my sore affected areas. I was like what the...?? So I had to like peel them off. This is really detailed, but my on my underwear, I could see where the sore spots had been sticking. It like made wet or temporarily stained spots. It hurt so bad too. The bottle says to call a physician if one runs into problems, but I don't really want to do that if at all possible. Just because physicians around here hate looking at genitals, and I want to save them the trouble. I have had this now for like 2-3 days and it's getting a little less painful. The redness is still there though. I have just been putting neosporin stuff on it. Should I just swallow my pride and modesty and go to the doctor? If I made an appointment, it would most likely be a few days before I could be seen, so should I just wait it out, or go to the ER or what????? Has anyone else had a similar experience with depilitories??? In reality it hasn't really taught me a lesson because I still like the feel of smoothness or less hairiness.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

More Random Acts of Shifeness

  • I don't know which break up has me more crushed: Britney Spears and K-Fed or George Bush and D-Rum. And this thought was brought to you with a heavy dose of sarcasm.
  • It only took 6 episodes before "Lost" got good again. The last episode was pretty cool. Did anyone else catch the part about Jacob's list? It was the scene where Jack was getting ready to operate on Ben, and the Other crew were heading out to get Sawyer when one said that Shepard was not on Jacob's list. So who the frak is Jacob?
  • One of my posts was used in an NPR story about zippers. Here is the link to the post. Anyway, this guy found my post, emailed me, and then we talked on the phone. He used some of our conversation in his piece and they are suppose to air it on Chicago Public Radio. I don't know when. If you are interested in hearing it, just shoot me an email at mrshife@yahoo.com and I will forward it to you.
  • More good news. This blog was rated as the #1 blog about the adventures of a dumb, white guy by an independent lab. I think the labs name is Jake. There is his picture on the right.
  • Just some advice to middle-aged women who have had multiple children. Unless you can put Supermodel somewhere on your resume, there is no reason you should be exposing your midriff especially at the gym.
  • I am especially looking forward to the return of college basketball since my football season is over. My NFL team, the Arizona Cardinals, are 1-7 and circling the drain again. My college team, the Idaho Vandals, are 4-6 and are not going bowling this year. But college hoops gives me hope because this is where sports karma achieves some equilibrium for me. My team is the North Carolina Tar Heels, and it is not too hard being a Heels fan because they are pretty darn good. Now granted I have not been a lifelong fan, but I have had them at the top of my list since 1982. I even know who Serge Zwikker is in case you care.

Have a lovely weekend, and remember save the cheerleader, save the world.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • Rock the vote? I try not to get political on this here blog of mine but I think it is really important that everyone vote tomorrow. Here is a link to a story from Pat Tillman’s brother that should provide all the inspiration you need to cast your ballot.

  • I have been absent from my blog for several reasons, but being adopted by Madonna was not one of them.

  • First George from “Grey’s Anatomy” announces he is gay, and then Doogie Howser comes out of the closet. They say things come in threes, so whose next? So I think I know. Here is my logic: George stars on a drama on ABC, Doogie stars on a comedy on CBS, “How I Met Your Mother.” Nobody knew George before “Grey’s” and Neil Patrick Harris was Doogie Howser before he got this CBS show. So based on those incredible detective skills, the next TV star to announce that he is gay will be a star on a NBC reality show that had some success before they became popular on their current show. And my nominee is …. Donald Trump.

  • Would you be a little nervous if your pharmacist had a crazy eye? Ours does and I am afraid one day when I take my allergy medicine that I am going to end up with a day-long erection because she gave me Viagra instead of Allegra.

  • I saw “Borat” over the weekend, and laughed myself silly. But there is one scene that almost made me throw up a little bit in my mouth. If you have seen it you probably know what I am talking about. Let’s just say seeing Borat get into fight with his producer in their hotel room was quite shocking.

  • Mrs. Shife attended a marital aide party or as I like to call them a "fukkerware party" over the weekend. She will not tell me what she bought as she wants to keep it a surprise. So it looks like Christmas might come a little early this year for Mr. Shife. As Borat would say, "It is very nice. We make sexy time."




Have a great week, and don't forget to vote.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Halloween 2006

Well here are some photos from the Shifley's Halloween Extravaganza. I should have some more later, but the photos are still trickling in. It was a great night, and I hope everyone has a great Halloween.

Nacho Libre and Mrs. Shife, who is Monica Lewinsky.

Mrs. Shife and Mr. Shife, who was Captain of the Fallopian Swim Team.





And here is the other side of my costume. Yes, indeed, I wore a Speedo thong.



Taking a little drinky while I am rocking the mic with a buddy.



And this is, in my opinion, the best picture of the night. The St. Louis Cardinals celebrating their World Series Championship.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Can I ask you a question?

Don't have too much time to blog this week because I am taking a long weekend to help get ready for my Halloween party (I can't wait to share the pictures). So I will keep it short and sweet, and ask that you bare your soul to me or you can just answer these silly questions.



  1. Favorite new TV show?


  2. Favorite old TV show?


  3. Favorite new movie within the past 6 months?


  4. And if you could go to a double feature drive-in movie theatre, what two films would you want to see?


Here are my answers:

  1. Heroes


  2. The Office


  3. The Prestige


  4. Casablanca and The Big Lebowski


Until then, the dude is not in until Monday.



Have a lovely weekend, and watch out for unchecked aggression.

Friday, October 20, 2006

This thong's not for you

OK, here is an awesome way to start the weekend. First let me set things up for you.
Mrs. Shife is going out of town this weekend with her sister. I was to meet my lovely wife at lunchtime so we could switch cars, and her sister was also meeting Mrs. Shife at our house. So there is the premise, and here is the action.
I was the first to arrive at humble abode, and since I was not going to see Mrs. Shife all weekend, I wanted to make her laugh. I greeted the fat basset, and then headed to the bedroom to get out the device that would induce giggles. I love going for a cheap laugh at my own expense and I knew this would do the trick. After much shuffling through my panty drawer, I find the 100% cotton masterpiece – a white thong. Don’t ask me how this banana hammock came into my possession, but I own one, and I swear I have never worn it. I have never even broken it out for my wife. It just has been buried in the drawer for years. Anyway, I throw it on, and any manly feelings I had were tossed out the window. Nothing about wearing these plum smugglers makes you feel sexy, at least to me. So while I am changing, I am completely oblivious to the fact that Mrs. Shife’s sister arrived and came inside. She saw the vehicle in the driveway and thought Mrs. Shife was already in the house. So she comes in and is hanging out in the TV room.
Here is the recap for you scoring at home: I am in the back bedroom wearing nothing but a pair of white thongs. My sister-in-law is in the TV room waiting for Mrs. Shife, thinking she is in the back bedroom getting ready or something like that. Do you see where this is going?
Anyway the phone rings so I head out of the bedroom, down the hall, take a right past the laundry room, and walk into the TV room to get the phone and redefine the term embarrassed. The look on my sister-in-law’s face was priceless, and I am sure it was even better when I turned around to run back into the bedroom and she saw that I was wearing a thong.


Yep, that is what I needed to make me feel closer to my sister-in-law: Let her see me with a piece of string up my ass. 

Have a great weekend.



P.S. And no that is not a picture of me in case you were wondering.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • I still feel physically ill from watching the Cardinals meltdown against the Bears on Monday Night Football. I have been a fan of the Cardinals since forever, and I just knew they would find a way to blow it. They are so close to turning the corner and becoming a decent team but they keep finding ways to drag themselves down. I am keeping the faith, but it is getting harder and harder. This loss hurt really, really bad. Not as bad as riding down the street on a bike with the seat missing, but almost.

  • I saw a personalized license plate that made me do a double take. The plates read “HORSRUS.” I think they were trying to say “Horses are us,” but what I saw was “Whores are us.” I am sure that makes for an interesting time when you take a ride around town.

  • Useless fact of the day: The following sentence contains nine ways "ough" can be pronounced: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."

  • Stupid joke of the day: Two cows were standing in a field when one goes, "Mooo." The other replies, "Damn, I was just about say that."

  • And finally, here are some billboards I would like to see:























Friday, October 13, 2006

She's A Man, Baby!

It has been 4 days since I last spoke with my mother. A lot has happened since then. North Korea is still crazy, birds and bees might be gay, “Lost” got better, “The Office” is still quite amusing, and evidently my mother got a sex change.
What? I will wait for you so you can go back and re-read that last point.

I don’t know what you are thinking, but let me try and explain.

I was sitting on the couch with my two favorite people, Mrs. Shife and Quincy, watching the Cardinals play the Mets in the NLCS when the phone rang. Now first of all the game was on so the phone was not getting answered, and second of all, it was around 8 pm when the telemarketers start attacking us. Yes, I know Caller ID would alleviate this problem, but I like to live life on the edge. Anyway, the answering machine starts and this very deep, husky voice starts speaking. The TV was on kind of loud so it was hard to hear everything but it was a voice that I or Mrs. Shife did not recognize. Quincy even cocked his head a little bit and seemed to say, “Who the heck is that?”
The message concluded with “I love you sweetheart,” and Mrs. Shife looks at me and said she thought it was my Mom. Well that is not what I was thinking. First I thought Mrs. Shife found a new boyfriend, then I thought wrong number, then I thought my Mom is not a dude, and then I don’t know what I thought. I got up and played the message, and sure enough it was my Mom but it sure wasn’t her voice. My Mom is tiny; she is 4’11” and weighs about 110 pounds, and the only way this was her voice was if she got a sex change overnight or started shooting massive amounts of roids in her butt. It was surreal listening to the message because it was like the voice of Buffalo Bill on “Silence of the Lambs” or when criminals disguise their voices when they are talking to cops in the movies. So I called my Mom back immediately to make sure she hadn’t turned into some yoked-out freak or was in the process of becoming a dude. It turns out everything is OK. I guess my parent’s phone has a button that you can push that will alter your voice, and my Mom accidentally hit the “I’m a Man, baby” version when she called.

Have a great weekend.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Running on empty

I have been meaning to post but I am finding that I am lacking the content to make this blog even remotely fascinating. I have been pretty busy with work lately and when I get home I am basically drained of any interesting thought patterns. Plus I have been auditioning as a foot model so that has kept me quite busy as well. OK, I might be lying about the foot model thing. However, on my work bio, this is what I have listed:
Before I came to work at Spectrus Real Estate Group, I used to be employed at a fire hydrant factory, but you couldn't park anywhere near the place, so I had to find another job.
In my spare time I am currently training a pack of basset hounds to compete in the Iditarod Sled Dog Race in Alaska and I am still trying to get over my failed foot modeling career.

I am curious if anyone has seen the movie “The Departed?” If you have, I would love to hear your comments. I am still undecided. You see it is a remake of a beautiful, excellent Hong Kong movie called “Infernal Affairs” and I am just afraid of what Martin Scorsese has done to his version of the film. Knowing him and his past films, he probably turned it into a violent, bloodbath which is the last thing “Infernal Affairs” was.

My latest invention, Social Security Hit Squad. My generation is worried about having Social Security there when we retire so if we recruit some assassins to take out some old people that have been sucking down too much Social Security there might be something left for me and my friends. Don’t hate me because I want to knock off your grandparents … it is just Mr. Shife thinking out loud.

My Halloween costume is coming together nicely. I can’t tell you what I am going to be but I will give you a hint: Part of my costume incorporates a white Speedo thong.
Our party should be fun as well. I rented a karaoke machine with over 700 songs on it so I am going to rocking the mic all night.

I have not watched one new show this TV season that has me compelled to come back for another viewing. Any suggestions out there?

That’s all for now.
Take care.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

You Are On Notice Monday

There was something in the Idaho air yesterday because Monday was not a pleasant day for me and Mrs. Shife. Besides the fact that it was Monday and all the fun stuff that accompanies the beginning of the work, two other incidents left a lasting impression on us.

For me it was the joy of discovering that my zipper broke in the middle of a department meeting. Now I have already discussed the dangers of pleated pants in the office environment. Well couple that with a broken zipper and it looks like you just opened the doors to the big top. So I can imagine all my co-workers, after they got a good shot of my man panties, saying something like, “I was just thinking to myself that this meeting really needs a good underwear shot. Thank goodness that Mr. Shife is a team player.”
Here is a tip: Looking like you have a boner (again read about the dangers of pleated pants if you are wondering how an erection got thrown into the mix) and having a broken zipper are not a winning combination in the work place. I just wanted to clarify that in case some of you were misinformed.

Mrs. Shife’s winning moment involved a can of Starbucks Doubleshot Espresso. She hit the afternoon wall and needed a little boost to make it through the rest of the day. And as luck would have it, she had a chilled Starbucks waiting that could provide the aforementioned boost and make the rest of her day bearable. So she pops open the can, brings it up to her mouth, smiles with delight as she is about to be jolted with throngs of caffeine warriors, and throws back a nice big gulp of … yuckiness.
The can she picked up expired on 8/28/06, and so the moment the drink touched her lips it instantly got the “Get the hell out of my mouth” signal and this convenient, bold, authentic Starbucks coffee experience got introduced to the carpet of her office in about two nanoseconds.

Really looking forward to the rest of the week.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Think before you speak

Here are some reasons why you should think before you speak!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back ... or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a few people who did ....

FIRST TESTIMONY
A woman walked into a hair salon with her husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" The woman turned around and walked back out and never went back. Her husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY
A woman was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. She was unhappy with the women's type she had been using. After browsing for several minutes, she was approached by a man who works at the store. He asked if he could help her. Without thinking, she looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls"

THIRD TESTIMONY
A woman and her sister were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As they were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if they needed any help. The woman replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." The woman’s sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for two days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! The female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Friday, September 22, 2006

Random Acts of Shifeness

Work has kept me busier than a one-armed arm trombone player with crabs again this week, but I still had a few minutes to come up with some completely unsystematic thoughts.


  • Evidently the marriage vows “for better or for worse” do not apply to the movie, “Jackass Number Two.” Mrs. Shife has communicated to me that she will not see this movie with me. The only way I can drag her to the theaters is if I watch the 59-hour BBC version (OK it is only 5 hours, but these types of movies work like dog years for guys. To you it is only 300 minutes, but to us dudes it is like 2100 minutes) of “Pride and Prejudice” with her. I honestly don’t think 90 minutes of juvenile humor and groin kicks equals a Limey marathon. So does anyone want to see “Jackass” with me?

  • Speaking of Mrs. Shife, here’s a shameless plug. My wife and I will be celebrating our 2nd wedding anniversary this Monday. I am not sure what you get your sweetie for #2. So Happy Anniversary to my lovely wife.

  • The season premieres of “The Office” and “My Name is Earl” were awesome, especially “The Office.” I have been giggling to myself all morning thinking about Michael, Dwight and the gaydar. I was a little disappointed with “Grey’s Anatomy.” I just thought it wasn’t as good as it could have been.

  • If anyone is in Boise on Oct. 27 you are cordially invited to Mr. and Mrs. Shife’s Second Halloween Extravaganza. I got my costume picked out this year but mum’s the word until after the party.

  • Summer is over officially Saturday. Bummer. I am not ready for the cold weather yet. And I am definitely not ready for the annual every single tree in the neighborhood has its leaves fall into our yard event.

  • Here are some signs that you are getting old: “A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit," and “I just can't drink the way I used to” replaces “I'mnever going to drink that much again.”

  • Seeking recommendations for Reno/Lake Tahoe? Me and Mrs. Shife are going there for Thanksgiving and are trying to decide where to stay, Reno or Tahoe? I am about the gambling and the nightlife, and Mrs. Shife wants to hit the slopes. So we are in a bit of a quandary on where to stay.

    Have a great weekend everyone.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Going commando

Well I have been meaning to share this story for a little bit now, but a little thing called work has kept getting in the way. For the Labor Day weekend, Mrs. Shife and I went to her parent's house over the long weekend. It is roughly a little more than six hours. We hit the road after work and were on our way. Mrs. Shife drove, and I enjoyed some fabulous cinematic adventures on my portable DVD player. Well as the miles started to rack up something strange started to manifest itself in my pants. I am not sure if it was because I was sitting in the same position for hours or if there was sudden change in cabin pressure or if I had a dormant case of crotch rot that only surfaced in eastern Oregon or if I just suffered from itchy butt syndrome. Whatever the heck was going on in the Fruit of the Loom kingdom is still a mystery but somebody was going to get hurt if there was not a resolution to this drama. So I was faced with a bit of dilemma. Do I ask my lovely wife to pull over so I can further investigate to see if I am smuggling carpenter ants in my pants or do I just take matters into my own hands? The next words out of Mrs. Shife's mouth were "What the fuck are you doing?" so that might give you an idea of what I decided to do. I pulled down my shorts, grabbed my underwear, and started pulling. It is amazing how easily those cotton nut huggers fall to pieces when you pull hard enough. I yanked, tugged, heaved, ripped, jerked, wrenched, cried, etc. and after about 10 minutes the only thing left was an elastic waistband. I could have easily said, "Mrs. Shife can you please pull over. I am experiencing some mild discomfort south of the border." But since I am stubborn son of a bitch I decided I would rather pluck those panties off right then and there in the thriving metropolis that is Milton-Freewater while we were cruising at a speed of 70 miles per hour. So I am down one pair of skivvies, but the joy I felt after being released from my undergarments was almost indescribable. So there you go; the highlight of my Labor Day weekend, but please do not shed any tears for the shredded Hanes because those undies died an honorable death. I do believe that my violent behavior towards my intimate apparel makes me ineligible to be an underwear model, but damn it, the truth had to be told to prevent this from happening to another innocent victim. Yes, it is true, underwear are not always fun to wear.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Have you seen my stapler?

Just a quick update. I am alive and well, and I have a funny story
I would like to share (at least I think it is funny). Unfortunately, there is one little problem when you take a week off from work. No one does your job for you while you are gone. So when you get back to the office you have quite the large pile of things to do. I hope to get caught up soon, and then I will post something interesting and get to reading your blogs. Take care and see you soon.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

LOL


I do believe that the acronym LOL has been quite exaggerated. Seriously, how often have you laughed out loud while reading whatever clever message has appeared before you on your computer. Do you really laugh out load?
I do believe society has taken liberties with LOL, but that is besides the point. The actual point is that I actually did have a LOL moment and I want to share it with you. So I am watching Real Time with Bill Mahr on HBO and my LOL moment happens. It goes something like this.

"I never thought I would tell an accused child molester this, but pull your pants down!!!"

And if any of you have seen John Mark Karr, you know that this mentally disturbed person thinks that wearing his pants around his nipples is perfectly acceptable. I know this picture is not the best portrayal as to how Mr. Karr likes to wear his polyester blend, but the dude seriously has his pants hiked up around his aerolas.
That is all. Sorry I may have had a few cocktails and probably should be in bed. Peace out bloggers.


Friday, September 01, 2006

Have a Great Weekend

I hope everyone has a safe and happy Labor Day weekend. I will be off the reservation until Monday, September 11. So if you don't hear from me until then just wait longer. I will be back, and little hugs and little kisses to you all. And below is some advice for you all to keep in mind over this long weekend. Peace out bloggers.

Friday, August 25, 2006

To HDTV or Not To HDTV ...

that is indeed the question. I know this problem doesn’t even to compare to a lot of unsavory crap that people have to deal with on a daily basis, and if this is my biggest problem for a long time then I will consider myself one lucky dumb white guy. Basically, I want a new TV, but I also don’t want a new TV. Make sense? I feel like a one-eyed cat in a fish store. I am driving myself crazy agonizing over the decision. Do I want Plasma? LCD? DLP? What kind of resolution do I want? 720 or 1080? Does it have a HD tuner integrated into the set or do I need to buy another tuner? How big of a screen do I want? 42 inches? 46? 50? Do I really want to see 50 inches of Paris Hilton? Do I want to order online and have it delivered? Do I want to become a professional goat masseuse? Hey where did that come from? Bad, bad, bad stream of consciousness; you are grounded mister.
After doing a little research online and at Best Buy I decided to order a Samsung 46-inch DLP TV from Amazon. Part of my research method also involved the consumption of several adult beverages. It is a tried and true method; you should definitely use it in your line of work. So to set the record straight, your honor, it is midnight, I am slightly buzzed, I am an idiot, and I have fantasies about a threesome with Smurfette and Jessica Rabbit. Ahhhh, only if you could order that online. Alrighty then. I woke up this morning at the butt crack of dawn, and it was like I had a one-night stand with a serious barker. I had severe buyer’s remorse. So I got up and rushed to the computer first thing this morning and cancelled the order before it had been placed.

For now, no HDTV for Mr. Shife, but that can all change after the consumption of several adult beverages.

Have a great weekend.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Southern Asia: Is Outsourcing Worth It?

I apologize in advance to all of my Southern Asian readers but I think it is time I weighed in on this controversial topic. Thanks to the fine folks at The Daily Show, companies can now run a simple-cost benefit analysis to see if it makes sense to send their blue-collar jobs overseas to Southern Asia.

1) Would you rather pay your employees in
A. Money
B. Fruit rind

2) Would you prefer your employees to have
A. Self-esteem and adaptable skills
B. Calluses and deformed knuckles

3) Would you rather employ
A. One 60-year-old
B. Ten 6-year-olds

If you answered (A) to any on these questions, congratulations! You’ve just been fired by the guy who answered (B).

Thursday, August 17, 2006

"Snakes on a Plane"

This little ditty about Samuel L. Jackson and some mother fuckin’ snakes on a mother fuckin’ plane is beyond hot. This flick has got America worked up into a frenzied state of movie madness. And I boldly predict that this will be greatest movie about snakes ever.
Yeah, I know I really went out on a ledge there.
But something that is generating this much buzz will undoubtedly create some really bad knock-offs. So if “Snakes on a Plane” is as successful as everyone thinks it is going to be, here is my list of films that you may see at cineplex near you:

  1. Ants in your Pants
  2. Rats on a Hot Tin Roof
  3. Little Baby Crocs in your Socks
  4. Giant Kangaroos on a train to Kalamazoo
  5. Psycho Ex-Girlfriends on a Greyhound
  6. Rabid Hamsters on a Fed-Ex Truck
  7. Monkeys in a Barrel
  8. Hungry, Hungry Hippos in a Super Wal-Mart
  9. Star Jones in a Golden Corral Buffet Line

    And for you lovers of the porn …
  10. Trousersnakes on a Plane

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • There is a band playing this week in my town called Battery. They are a Metallica tribute band, and the ad states: “These guys are so good that they have actually opened for Metallica … “
    So the question I pose is how excited would you be to see a tribute band play before the actual band? Is that like your girlfriend using her favorite BOB (battery-operated boyfriend) before you step up to the plate? Or maybe she uses you first, and then finishes off with BOB? Ouch.
    Maybe it is just me but I would rather not see a tribute band open for the real deal.
  • Tomorrow is a sad day as the season finale of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” airs. I just started watching the show this summer and it is hilarious. It has three qualities I always look for in programming: Politically incorrect, crude, and awesome.
  • When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this.
    On your way home from work stop at your pharmacy, go to the thermometer section, and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.
    When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
    Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement, "Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested.”
    Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work in the Rectal Thermometer quality control at Johnson & Johnson."
  • I am ready for some football. And in case you care, my teams are the University of Idaho Vandals and the Arizona Cardinals.
  • Make your next trip to the grocery store a little more exciting. When you check out say this to the cashier, "I like your style" and shoot them double-barreled fingers.
  • I am Pro-Shife and I vote.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Yokozuna

I have no idea where the origins of this juvenile prank began but for some reason its memory surfaced in my gray matter recently, and now I must release it into the wild.
Basically, a Yokozuna is an act where one places his bare bottom on another’s face in stealth or Ninja mode, shouts Yokozuna, and then hilarity usually follows unless of course you are the one sleeping and wake up to find a hairy, smelly turd cutter in your face.
Does that make sense?
Here is the breakdown: Bob is sleepy so he decides to take a nap. Bob’s roommates, Ed and Theodore, are not tired and full of mischief because they just split a fifth of whiskey. Ed and Theodore notice the slumbering Bob. Ed talks Theodore into giving Bob a Yokozuna. Theodore drops his shorts, and does his best imitation of a Ninja while he hovers his bare ass over Bob’s face. Ed and Theodore nearly give it away because they are giggling like a couple of school girls anticipating the oncoming butt splash Bob is about to receive. Ed pulls himself together momentarily and instructs Theodore to do the same. Theodore maneuvers his assy matter into position, and then Ed yells Yokozuna at the top of his lungs. Still half-asleep, Bob wakes up quite confused and unsure of his surroundings. His baffled mind tries to comprehend why someone shouted Toyota and why there is a foul smell in the air. And why are people laughing? He raises his head to gauge the situation when his forward motion is abruptly stopped by something … something with flesh and hair and stench and OH MY GOD Did Ed and Theodore give me a Yokozuna? At last Bob’s mind registers that he is now enjoying a face-full of ass compliments of his roommates.
So there you go kiddies, please pass along the fun-filled gift that is Yokozuna.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Take this phone and shove it

I hate my phone, as a matter of fact, I think it is a piece of shit.
Evidently, so does Motorola. I was thumbing through my user's guide and I found a section that addressed my recent proclamation.

Contents
Safety and General Information . .6
Getting Started. . 13
About This Guide. . 13
Installing the SIM Card . . 13
Battery Use . . 14
Installing the Battery . . 16
Charging the Battery . . 17
Turning Your Phone On. . 18
Adjusting Volume. . 18
Making a Call. . 19
Answering a Call . . 19
Viewing Your Phone Number. . 20
Your Phone is a Piece of Shit . . 21
Taking and Sending a Photo . . 22
Sending a Multimedia Message. . 23
Receiving a MultimediaMessage . . 25

Your Phone is a Piece of Shit
When you use your piece of shit phone it will drop calls. Therefore, you may experience occasional discomfort in your hands, arms, shoulders, neck, or other parts of your body because you have had enough of your piece of shit phone and decided to kick a Motorola employee’s ass. Follow these instructions to avoid problems such as pain and soreness in your hands, wrists, legs, or arms, and other musculoskeletal disorders:
  • If you insist on anally assaulting a Motorola employee by jamming your piece of shit phone up the Motorola employee’s ass, please take a minimum 15-minute break during every hour of your assault.
  • If your hands, wrists, or arms become tired or sore while punching a Motorola employee in the face, stop and rest for several hours before punching again. If the problem persists, punch the Motorola employee in the neck.
  • Concentrated tasks can cause tired eyes and blurred vision. Working over a Motorola employee’s face can be a demanding visual task that may cause eye discomfort. Suggestions to reduce the risk of eyestrain include: make sure you have proper lighting in your combat area, frequently look away and focus on faraway objects, and blink often to keep your eyes moist.
  • Seeing another human’s blood can cause involuntary vomiting. If you feel dizzy or nauseous when assaulting a Motorola employee with your fists or foreign objects, stop the assault and rest. Do not drive or engage in other demanding activity until you feel better.
  • Keep an open mind. There may be other Motorola employees in the building who deserve to have their face kicked in. Don't limit yourself.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Friday musings

Holy Hoffmania. Here is a fabulous link about America’s living legend.

The new season of “Lost” hasn’t even started and I am already pissed. The third season starts October 4, runs 6 episodes, and then disappears until January. Does Mr. Shife need to choke a bitch? I wish they would just follow the format of 24 and start in January and just run non-stop episodes until May. Here’s a link if you want more info.

Ever watch “The Colbert Report?” Better Know a District is one of the recurring segments on the show. It offers a humorous explanation of a different Congressional district in each segment and includes an interview with that district's member of Congress. Last night (7/20) Colbert interviewed Robert Wexler from Florida’s Fightin’ 19th. Well Colbert always asks these political figures loaded questions and usually portrays them in a horrible light. Last night was no different as he got Wexler to admit he liked cocaine and hookers. Wexler is running uncontested in November so Colbert said let’s pretend what you could say that would totally derail your campaign and ruin your chances if you were running against someone. So he told Wexler to finish the following sentences, I enjoy cocaine because and I enjoy prostitutes because. It was awesome.

I heard two things last week that had me rolling.
I was flipping through channels and stopped for “The 40-Year-Old Virgin.” Steve Carrell’s character was talking about how a girl he met at the speed dating was “hurtin’ for a squirtin.”
And on last week’s episode of “Entourage” Ari told his staff to find Drama a job, any job. He provided an example of the type of work he deemed acceptable – a porn shoot where he was getting gang raped by a gaggle of silver-backed apes.

Have a good one.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

The danger of pleated pants and other shenanigans

Wow, it has been a while. Almost three months as a matter of fact. Not that you have been counting or anything. But here I am ready to embarrass myself one more time by sharing some interesting anecdotes from my so-called life.
I sincerely hope it will not be another three months before I post something original but for now let’s just take it one blog entry at a time.

First incident: Pleated pants.
Let’s just say it is not a good idea to wear pleated pants around strange women.
Who knew a crisp blend of cotton and polyester could be so wicked?
Basically when you are sitting down in these dastardly trousers the groin area RISES to the occasion. It is like a pop-up book. And on page 12 Little Johnny sports wood.
No shit they are an easy-wearing, relaxed fit!!!! It looks like you just sprouted a frickin’ oak tree in your pants.
Who the heck tailored these pantaloons? Viagra?
I feel like an effin’ pervert every time I have a meeting. I look down and whammo, it is Erection Planet.

Second incident: Losing my hearing.
Recently took a road trip with Mrs. Shife. She was enjoying a book on tape on CD and I was watching a DVD. I guess I should mention that she was driving.
Anyway, since I am about 95% deaf in my left ear, she can change the stereo’s balance to the left side and listen to it as loud as she wants. I can hardly hear it since I am watching my movie with headphones on and did I mention that I am about 95% deaf in my left ear.
Fast forward about a week and I am in the car cruising home after work. I just downloaded some new stuff, The Shins and Black Stone Cherry, and I am ready to rock out with my slightly sender yet effervescent cock out. So I turn on the radio, turn on the iPod, and I am ready to … Hey, what’s going on here? This sounds like shit. I can hear it but not real well. I crank up the stereo. I crank up the volume on the iPod. And I can hear it, but it still sounds like crap. All I am thinking is that my hearing is getting worse. I am getting old. First the gray pubic hair (note: I only said hair, not hairs) and now the original surround sound is starting to suck even more.
Yep, about halfway home I realized that stereo balance was still all the way to the left, my deaf side, and that is why the music sounded like crapola.

Third incident: Holy crap.
I actually plan a bowel movement during my day at work. I go in there, take care of business, and maybe do some light reading. It is good way to unwind and get some peace and quiet. Unless some other butt hole shows up to drop off a payload, and then I need to wrap things up. I just don’t like crapping next to someone if I can avoid it. My noises are fine, but listening to Shitter McGavin next to me is not high on my favorite activities list. The thought of dumping at the airport is almost nightmarish. OK, on with the story. I was busier than a bull’s ass during fly season at work yesterday. I had like a Kit Kat and a Diet Coke for lunch. So the previously scheduled poo was postponed. I head home and maybe my butt has been trained and is used to crapping at work because I felt no urge to go at home. I wake up late, and as I was rushing out of the house to get to work on time I felt the ache. The abdominal pain. Sweat beads forming on the forehead. The clenching of the cheeks to keep the levees from breaking. Oh the humanity. The turds were honking for the right of way. Can I shit in my cup holder and still drive the car? I race to work, run up the stairs, kick open the door to the bathroom, and as soon as my bare ass touched that seat it was like a shit grenade went off. It was a fecal explosion. Poo pandemonium. The water even splashed up and got my butt wet. It was horrible. So the moral of this story is don’t have a crappy day.


And I took off my Comments link, but if you want to say hi just send an email to mrshife@yahoo.com. Have a lovely day.

Friday, June 30, 2006

It's Hofficial

I might be gay. Here is the latest music video from the one and only, David Hasselhoff.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Another Hoff update

As I have somehow been appointed the unofficial Hoff PR person, here is the latest and greatest about the man with the greatest chest hair ever.

David Hasselhoff is listed in Guinness World Records as "the most-watched TV star in the world."
And that's just one of his accomplishments.
He also was the most popular and best-selling musical artist in Germany in 1989. But that is ancient history.
This summer, Mr. Tan Body of "Baywatch" is poised to become the next William Shatner - a former self-important has-been who is now a beloved, self-deprecating icon.
All hail David.
Until his tearful appearance on the "American Idol" finale in May, the 53-year-old actor-singer looked like a candidate for "The Surreal Life."
But The Hoff, who was emotionally moved by Taylor Hicks' "Idol" victory, is riding almost as high and fast as he did in the 1980s, when he co-starred with a talking car on "Knight Rider."
How hot is he?
•He's one of the judges on NBC's summer series "America's Got Talent," which debuts at 9 p.m. Wednesday.
•He has a juicy supporting role as Adam Sandler's boss in the comedy "Click," which opens Friday.
•He is hosting a monthlong James Bond film festival on the Filmfest HD Network (offered by the Dish satellite network).
•His autobiography, "Making Waves," is due in bookstores in September.
•He already is an Internet star with numerous sites devoted to making fun of his career and persona.
•He is playing a prominent, though unintentional, role in the NBA finals. Dallas Mavericks standout Dirk Nowitzki joked that he hummed Hasselhoff's "Looking for Freedom" to calm himself at the foul line.
That anyone would even know a Hasselhoff song is shocking enough. But The Hoff has long been a favorite in Nowitzki's native Germany.
Miami Heat fans, carrying large photographs of Hasselhoff, have been heckling Nowitzki every time he comes to the foul line.
This has given The Hoff a lot of free exposure. Not that he needs it, having achieved his place in TV history for being a co-producer, co-owner and co-star of "Baywatch," which ran an amazing 11 seasons as an international hit.
Hasselhoff played California lifeguard Mitch Buchannon, a do-gooder surrounded by sea, surf and sexy women in bikinis.
He won't be taking his shirt off on "America's Got Talent," which is a lot like a cross between "American Idol" and "The Gong Show."
Regis Philbin is the host. Other judges include singer-actress Brandy and British journalist and TV presenter Piers Morgan.
Hasselhoff recently told a Chicago newspaper that the show is "like walking down Hollywood Boulevard on LSD."
The first episodes involve weeding out Americans who have no talent, such as Flippy the Magnificent and his blow-up doll and a 70-year-old lady who does bird calls.



P.S. Mr. & Mrs. Shife and the fat basset are still living happily ever after.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Hasselhoff sighting

Is there anything David Hasselhoff can't do?
The Hoff brings me out of the blogging exile, and he inspires a 7-foot German playing in the NBA.

I copy and pasted an article about the connection between Dallas Mavericks basketball player Dirk Nowitzki and David Hasselhoff.

If you have absolutely no life, I've got just the thing for you.
First, some background.
The Mavericks' Dirk Nowitzki, a German, recently revealed that he calms himself at the free throw line by singing the David Hasselhoff song "Looking for Freedom." (I also hear Dirk runs across the beach shirtless and in slow motion.)
So I got this e-mail from Intertops.com, a sports betting site, the other day. (Habitual gamblers, listen up.)
They are posting odds on "special bets" involving Nowitzki and Hasselhoff.
4 to 1: Hasselhoff to appear at a Mavericks game wearing a Nowitzki jersey.
25 to 1: Hasselhoff sings the National Anthem before a Mavericks playoff game.
50 to 1: Nowitzki and Hasselhoff to collaborate on a song together.
66 to 1: Hasselhoff to sing at Nowitzki's wedding.
100 to 1: Nowitzki to star in movie version of "Knight Rider."

Sunday, April 23, 2006

That's All Folks

After much consideration I have decided to take a break from blogging.
I know I have said this before but the other times were because of situations out of my control like work or family.
This time it is coming from me.
I am not having fun and it feels more like a chore than a hobby. The passion is gone my friends.
I really cherish the time I spent on here and of course with all of you who took the time to become part of my life. You guys are the best.
I am still going to visit your blogs to say hi and see how your life is treating you, but you won't see anything new on Confessions of a Dumb, White Guy for a long time.
All I ask is that whenever David Hasselhoff or a midget is on your mental radar you remember that dumb, white guy from Idaho called Mr. Shife.

Take care my blogging buddies, and as the picture says, May the Hoff be With You.

Mr. Shife

Monday, April 17, 2006

Don't Worry, Be Happy

As some of you may know I am trying to have a better outlook on life. Just trying to be grateful for what I have and enjoy life a little more. Well Mrs. Shife just sent me over a list that shows by just being a man I have plenty of reasons to be happy.

Men Are Just Happier People
  1. What do you expect from such simple creatures?
  2. Your last name stays put.
  3. The garage is all yours.
  4. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
  5. Chocolate is just another snack.
  6. You can be President.
  7. You can never be pregnant.
  8. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
  9. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
  10. The world is your urinal.
  11. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
  12. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
  13. Same work, more pay.
  14. Wrinkles add character.
  15. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
  16. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
  17. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
  18. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
  19. One mood all the time.
  20. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
  21. You know stuff about tanks.
  22. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
  23. You can open all your own jars.
  24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
  25. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
  26. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
  27. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
  28. You almost never have strap problems in public.
  29. You are unableto see wrinkles in your clothes.
  30. Everything on your face stays its original color.
  31. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
  32. You only have to shave your face and neck.
  33. You can play with toys all your life.
  34. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
  35. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
  36. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
  37. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
  38. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache..
  39. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes..

    No wonder men are happier.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Random Acts of Shifeness

In honor of Easter and a busy day at the office, Random Acts of Shifeness is all about the Easter Bunny this week.
  • Don't put all of your eggs in one basket
  • Walk softly and carry a big carrot
  • Everyone needs a friend who is all ears
  • There's no such thing as too much candy
  • All work and no play can make you a basket case
  • A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention
  • Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day
  • Some body parts should be floppy
  • Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans
  • Good things come in small sugarcoated packages
  • The grass is always greener in someone else's basket
  • An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare
  • To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell
  • The best things in life are still sweet and gooey
  • Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits

Have a super weekend.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Paint Me Crazy

Mrs. Shife is attempting to paint the family room and is repeatedly asking for my opinion, and I repeatedly tell her “that looks great.” Evidently that answer to her paint question is the equivalent of me telling her that she is bitchy a certain time of the month. And we all know that is a lose-lose situation for all parties involved.
So I need to come up with a better answer or I will spend the better part of my life with half of my ass missing.
So on with the story.
She has these color palettes and swatches all over the place. They are on the floor, taped to the wall, in my underwear drawer, on the moon. It looks like a couple of rainbows had an orgy in my front room. They are everywhere.
She holds a palette with different shades of white and they all look the same to me. There is Spinach White, Creamy, Downy, Popcorn, Extra White, White Duck, Marshmallow, Ibis White, Ivory White, Pearly White, Alabaster, Nonchalant White, Moderne White, etc.
How about You Got to Be Fucking Kidding Me White?
I see white as white. There are no variations. It is effin’ white. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Tangerine, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Cheerful is my emotional state after the Cardinals win, not the color of the north wall. We have no idea what Mauve is. What the hell is Jacaranda? Can you get a shot for that?
She promises she is near a decision. I hope so.
Because if I have to look at another shade of white then I am afraid the men in the white coats might be coming to pay me a visit.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Game On

After a long look in the mirror, I decided that I really need to get an effin’ tan. Man, I am pale.
OK. Just kidding. Well I am pale, but that is not what I decided after looking in the mirror. I was just being figurative.
Maybe I should just get on with it.
First of all, I am not completely mental and the Jehovah’s Witnesses did not take me away nor did I sign up for one of their really intensive weekends of skull humping.
I guess most of you don’t know my religious views but for the most part I am not a big fan of organized religion. I like the message just not the messengers. George Carlin can sum up religion way better than I can but there is no need to worry about me hopping on Jerry Falwell’s fun bus.
Secondly, thank you very much for your advice and inspiring words because it really did help. I went and saw the mental chiropractor and everything got aligned and adjusted so I am feeling much better. I think some of you are going to think that a mental chiropractor is my cute way of saying a shrink, but I was just trying to be funny.
Actually, my shrink has four legs and a very hairy back. The fat basset is an excellent listener and always gives good advice. Alright, fine, I do have a shrink but she is not licensed and she signed up for it when she said “I Do.”
Mrs. Shife and I had a nice long talk over the weekend about making our life more interesting and fulfilling. And having children is not the answer. I would love to have a kid someday, but what the world needs right now is for me to get back in the game and start making life happen instead of waiting for it to happen.
So my friends I take a pledge today to tell you that this is my life and I am ready to rock. Didn’t Bon Jovi have a song called “My Life?” Nope. It is called “It’s My Life.” Close enough. I can use that as my official philosophy song. I feel like I am announcing my candidacy for office.
No more putting off things until tomorrow and no more being afraid to do something because it is out of my comfort zone.
Life is indeed too short for regrets.
Finally, I just want to thank you all again, but one person said something that really resonated with me. The Blonde said, "What do you think you could accomplish in life, if you knew you couldn't fail?" She said her Dad used to say that to her, and that is how she approaches life. Well her Dad was a very wise man and that is not a bad way to look at things.

Peace out blogging nation and may all your ups and downs be between the sheets.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Is It Too Early For A Midlife Crisis?

Maybe it is because I am turning another year older in two weeks or maybe because I did not grace the cover of Teen Beat magazine again this month or maybe I am just blue because I have cabin fever and the weather has not been cooperating. Whatever the case might be, I just feel like I am sleepwalking through life.
I pretty much have the same routine day in day out. Go to work, have my life force sucked out of me sitting in a cube for 9 hours a day, and then come home to get ready to do it all over again. I am not trying to sound ungrateful. I have a good job, I am healthy and Mrs. Shife is my best friend and a pretty awesome wife. We do well enough financially that we don't have to worry about too much and we pretty much have the coolest basset hound two crazy kids from Idaho could ever want.
It is like I am waiting for life to happen instead of making it happen.
I just don't feel like I am doing enough to feel alive. Maybe I need to do some bungee jumping or run nude through a supermarket or just get in the car and drive in one direction for a day. I don't know I just feel like I need a kick in the ass.
I am just thinking outloud here folks and I hope I am not bringing anyone down, but I just wanted to express my thoughts to my blogging buddies and I hope you have some great suggestions to pull me out of my funk.


P.S. I shit you not, but maybe 5 minutes later after Mrs. Shife read this entry and we were discussing how we are sleepwalking through life, there was a knock on the door. It was the Jehovah's Witnesses. Is somebody up there listening?

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Random Acts of Shifeness

Well it is the end of another week so that means it is time to unload things that are weighing heavily on my mind.
  • I know some of you watch "Lost," and I will be the first to admit that this week's episode was one of the best I have seen. I really enjoyed it, and it made you think again about what the heck is really happening on that island.
  • Speaking of good TV, "My Name is Earl" was not too shabby either. One of the songs on tonight's episode really took me back,"Lunatic Fringe" by Red Rider. I used to listen to that song before every one of my wrestling matches and it got me pumped. I first heard it when I saw the movie "Vision Quest." Love that song.
  • Since I brought up wrestling, I was not too shabby in that little sport either. I wrestled from 7th grade to college. My weight classes were 70, 75, 98, 98, 103, and 112. I had to cut some serious weight in high school, and the methods I chose were not the healthiest. In the long run it was not worth it, but at the time I thought so. I got a wrestling scholarship to college but like I mentioned in my last entry I drank myself out of college my freshman year so I really didn't take full advantage of that scholarship.
  • Some inquiring minds wanted to know what yours truly did to get 6 days in jail. Well basically me and two buddies were walking home from the bars at about 3 in the morning and decided to see if this one bar on the way home was still open. And I will swear that what I am about to say is the truth until I am dead, the doors to this establishment were unlocked. So we decided to go in and have a few cocktails. And since you know I went to jail you know that someone saw us in there and reported us to the police.
  • Before I forget, if anybody is interested in sports and wants to check out a blog written by me and two other cool dudes about the world of sports then check out Turf Toe.
  • Internet Tip: When the Internet is running slow, clicking on your mouse as hard as possible and grunting at the same time does not appear to improve the rate at which a page will load.
  • I know I have complained about the weather but look at the 10-day forecast for my lovely little town and tell me that is not depressing.
  • And finally here is a pick-up line for all the single men or ladies out there.
    (Use index finger to call someone over then say) I made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with my whole hand.

Have a great weekend my friends.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

More Revelations

Thank you all for your kind words.
Everything is cool with me and my ear. I did enjoy the day off after my problem was taken care of. Me and the fat basset enjoyed some time on the couch and watched "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire."
But the show must goes on.
And now that you know a little more about me I figured you could handle some more confessions from Mr. Shife.
  • My ringtone is "The Final Countdown" by Europe. Why? Because I love Gob on "Arrested Development" and that was his theme music.
  • I spent six days in jail during my undergraduate days at the University of Idaho. Long story short, I was at the wrong place at wrong time. Me and two buddies were charged with misdemeanors but the judge wanted to teach us a lesson so we got to spend two weekends in jail.
  • During this altercation, I was being questioned by the police and they knew I was lying. I was also bombed out of my mind. Anyway, they said they wanted the truth, and Mr. Shife got a shit eating grin on his face and looked the cop right in the eye and slurred, "You want the truth. You can't handle the truth." Ummmm, let's just say the police officer was not impressed with my Jack Nicholson impersonation.
  • When I find something I like I stick with it. I have eaten at Quizno's for probably a good 2 years and I have ordered the same thing every single time. I am a creature of habit I guess. I just love their Italian sub.
  • I drank myself out of college (a tiny school in Carlinville, IL called Blackburn College) when I was 18 and enlisted in the Navy. I spent a few years being a seaman in Florida. It was fun but I picked up a nasty habit .... chewing tobacco.
  • I chewed for nearly 10 years and finally quit 5 years ago. The only reason I quit was because the doctor had to cut a small part of my tongue off and told me I would lose the rest of it if I didn't stop. The tongue grew back and I am been clean since then. It was probably the hardest I have ever done.
  • I never have liked chest hair and I shaved it pretty regular for about 15 years. I do some regular manscaping now but I let it grow out a little bit.
  • I was accepted into film school.
  • Some of you know who Pat Tillman is, and I was fortunate enough to meet him before he left for the Army. It was one of the most memorable days of my life.
  • I love basset hounds. My ultimate dream job would be to run a basset hound rescue. I grew up with the breed, and I have had four in my life. Mrs. Shife and I have had Quincy for almost six years and know she can't imagine any other type of dog in our lives .
  • I consider myself a funny fellow but I only know one joke by heart. It is about a mayonnaise jar and flies.
  • I grew up a military brat and lived in Nevada, North Dakota, Alaska, Illinois, Japan, and Idaho. I consider myself an Idahoan now since I have lived here for the most part since 1985.
  • Born in St. Louis, and love the baseball Cardinals but decided to stick with the football Cardinals when they moved to Arizona. It has been always been tough living with that decision since they suck ass.
  • And for some reason I fell in love with the University of North Carolina Tar Heels basketball program. I think it was mostly due to Michael Jordan, but for whatever reason I bleed Carolina Blue even though I have no affiliations with the state.
  • The Dean Dome is on my list of places to visit and watch the Heels play. I also want to go to the Little League World Series, the College World Series, and spend a summer hitting as many Major League Baseball parks as possible.

OK, that is enough for now. I don't want to let all my secrets out.
Have a nice day.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Unanticipated Hiccup

Warning this post contains very little humor and will be quite boring to most of you. But it is a part of me that I wanted to share, so here it goes.
Well my Monday started off with a phone call to my boss letting her know that I will not be coming into the office today. My left ear was tender and bleeding and I felt a little dizzy.
You are probably thinking the fat basset thought my ear was a roast beef sandwich, but sadly that is not the case.
I was born with an ear problem specifically a cholesteatoma. The malady was misdiagnosed several times and by the time the correct diagnosis was made it was too late. The damage had been done, and I was basically left with a 95% hearing loss in that ear. Since it happened at a young age, I have grown up this way and compensated with it by the way I tilt my head or position myself in a conversation. I miss out on a few things but for the most part it has never been a big deal. I actually use it to my advantage sometimes. For example, if someone is yelling for me I can always say that I didn't hear them or since I sleep on my right side, my left ear is up and I can fall alseep with no problems because it is so quiet. They only drawbacks I remember were that I had about 7 operations on my ear during my childhood and for the most part I was not allowed to go swimming. I also have a pretty cool scar that is about 4-inches long on the side of my head. It is only visible if I cut my hair short, and people always want to know what it is from so it gives me an excuse to come up with an unusual story about how it happened.
Anyway that leads me up to today. I am supposed to get the ear drained and cleaned once a year because I have to. I don't want to gross anybody out but it has to be done. Well evidently my ear needs to be drained NOW because it was very tender and there was some discharge that included blood. When my ear is like this it also throws off my balance and I get dizzy. So I just had to get my ear taken care of earlier and everything is fine but I just had to call in sick because of it.
So know everyone knows one of my deep secrets, I am deaf in my left ear. I may have mentioned it before to a few of you but I don't think a majority of people know about it. It really isn't that big of a deal, and I actually have tried to use hearing aids to correct the loss but my problem is so unique that they don't have anything available that would benefit me.
I really don't think this is an interesting topic but it has been on my mind all day because I had to deal with it. I just get a little stressed out because of my experiences with hospitals have not been that great and I worry that my doctor might tell that they need to do some sort of operation. But not this time.
Everything is great and I will be back at the salt mines tomorrow.
Thanks for listening.

Friday, March 31, 2006

Random Acts of Shifeness

Hi, how are you? Well I am just super, thanks for asking. Here is what on my mind this week.

  • Spring sucks. I have had enough rain and cold. I want some sunshine on this old cranky ass of mine. And yes I will be bitching about how hot it is in about 3 months.
  • It is a battle of the sequels at the box office this weeked. A bunch of cute prehistoric animals in "Ice Age 2" versus a tired beaver in "Basic Instinct 2."
  • Seriously is anyone interested in seeing Sharon Stone naked again?
  • I am really looking forward to hearing what Bill Maher has to say about President Bush's immigration policy on his HBO show.
  • Way to kick off the 2006 Major League Baseball season Bud Selig. Let's start a steroid investigation three days before the regular season. Baseball really knows how to run a great product into the ground. When does football start?
  • The new season of South Park has been quite amusing.
  • I have seen "V for Vendetta" twice and I hope to see it a third time this weekend. I seriously have not seen a movie that has rocked my world like this in a long time. The last one that I can remember would be "Infernal Affairs." It is a Hong Kong police thriller not the Richard Gere movie. I linked it in case you wanted more information.
  • Has anyone else noticed how quite a few bloggers have taken a break or just flat out disappeared? I know there are at least 5 people on my links list that have been missing for some time.
  • Here is a great list, Pimp Daddy Swank's World of Comedy Porn Titles!
  • Here is another list, a list of bad predictions.
  • And finally here is my bad prediction -- David Hasselhoff and I will run away together and start a midget escort service.

Have yourself a wonderful little weekend.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

How's This For Embarrassing?

I rarely speak of work on my blog because it is not that interesting and I would rather talk about other things. But yesterday something happened that I have to contribute. The guy I share an office space has been on vacation for a week so I have been able to do pretty much what I want, when I want. Crank up the music, pick my nose, scratch my balls, and fart. Well at least in my mind I thought the last activity mentioned was safe.
I ate something that did not agree with me and I was more gassed up than an 18-wheeler. I sent out a test balloon to make sure my fart was not rancid and it would no peel any paint or burn someone’s body hair. The fart came and went without any detectable odor. So that was cool. And as the day progressed, the fart machine that is my ass continued to provide a steady diet of gas but the farts still remained relatively harmless since they were not stinkers.
As this continues I am gaining more confidence and just letting them rip with reckless abandon. I am an arrogant farter, the worst kind. I am just blowing ass left and right, pushing my luck and just tempting fate.
Well karma decided to pay Mr. Shife a visit.
I am sitting at my desk and feel another one coming. I have my head down on my desk because I am thinking about how I wish it was 5 and I need to go home. So my head is down, and my butt is a little more exposed as it is raised up a little in my chair and pointing to the left. Also, I have my back exposed to anyone that walks around the corner to my work space making it pretty easy for someone to hear me before I see them. Do you see where this is heading?
I have felt fearless all day since they haven’t been loud or foul so I just let it go. And my eyes got about as big as basketballs because this one had some volume to it. And naturally my boss walks into my space two seconds later. Awesome.
Quick recap for those of you scoring at home: I am sitting at my desk with my head down, my ass is raised a little bit and to the left, my eyes are huge and this fart sound is bouncing off the walls when my boss walks around the corner to hand me an assignment.
Word cannot describe the awkwardness.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

I Am A Dork -- The Sequel

Well last week I explained to everyone how I took a tumble while I was running 7 miles. Well this week you get to hear about my adventures while I was running 8 miles.
Due to the inclement weather, I was forced to do my training on a treadmill at the gym. Running on a treadmill is OK but is not a place you want to spend 67 minutes of your life if there are better options. The treadmill has little bearing on the story but I just wanted to set up the scene for you and maybe whine a little bit about running on a treadmill.
Anyway, about 45 minutes into my run I am sweating like a Danish cartoonist in Mecca. I would have said I was sweating like a pig but evidently that is not correct because pigs don't have sweat glands. See this blog is more than just stupid stories it is educational.
I am even wearing one of those Under Armor shirts but I am still sweating profusely. The side effect of all this sweat is that my shirt gets heavy. And when you run you bounce up and down. So I wearing a heavy shirt soaked in my own juices, bouncing up and down, still trying to figure out why the hell I am running anyway, when it happens. Now most of you who have ran long distances know where this is going and might be wincing in pain thinking about it. But those of you who don’t please enjoy another life lesson from Mr. Shife. You would think men would be immune from this, but some people will notice that their nipples get bruised or may even bleed in some cases from the constant rubbing against their shirt. And I am some people.
Man my nipples hurt for like four days. They just ached and were so sensitive. I swear I could not handle being a girl. I would seriously be the biggest cry baby.
So since I won’t be throwing on Mrs. Shife’s sport bras, it looks like I have to lube up my nipples with some Vaseline when I am running long distances. I guess I have to put some on my inner thighs as well. The Internet is just a wealth of information.
I just hope I didn’t raise any red flags at work when I did a Google search for sore nipples.

Monday, March 27, 2006

It’s not TV. It’s HBO.

And it is on 193 times a month.
Here is my problem. I had a few days off last week and watched more TV than I usually do.
And I swear “I, Robot” was on every day.
And I swear it was on at least 17 times.
Granted I have 8 HBO stations which might explain the high frequency of this film being on my television. But you get the point that I got plenty of opportunities to see Will Smith kick robot ass.
So I am in the cozy confines of my sweat pants and have the fat basset by my side as we prepare for another round of channel surfing to help pass the time until something more interesting comes along. I flipped through the 800 channels in a matter of seconds. For some reason, men can process the on screen television guide like nobody’s business but we can’t lift up the toilet seat. I guess we are just cursed. After my first lap I saw that there are no re-runs of “Knight Rider” being aired so “I, Robot” was on and it was deemed by the basset as a worthy companion. I turned it on and it was about halfway over. I had seen it before so I wasn’t lost but I still wanted to see the movie in its entirety. I made a mental note to try and catch the movie again after it was over.
And now repeat that paragraph about 15 more times over 4 days.
I know that makes me sound like the Commander of the Slug Army but I did other things during the day. However, when I came back to watch some TV “I, Robot” was on and I was at the same part every damn time.
I own this movie on DVD and I could have easily put it in my DVD player and watched it.
But fuck that. It is on like Donkey Kong with me and HBO. It is a game between me and the programmers at that station now. They know when I am sleeping, they know when I am awake and they know how to offer alternative programming to lure me away from watching a complete viewing of “I, Robot.”
I will be victorious in my quest.
Or I might just let people pelt me with rotten fruit and call me a loser.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Random Acts of Shifeness

Here is the latest batch of stuff that has left a mark on my grey matter.
  • I am hurt that most of you are like Mrs. Shife and think I tripped because I saw a hot chick. OK, I am not really hurt. It would have made more sense if it was a hottie wearing boob-hugging spandex, but I swear on Quincy’s long, velvety ears that it was a male jogger. And unless I drank myself gay over the weekend, I usually don’t get excited about men. Unless it is Christian Bale and then I might try out for the other team.
  • We have to run 8 miles this weekend so I might have to wear the blinders they give horses so I don’t have another Urkel moment as someone pointed out in the comments.
  • Having two nieces and two nephews in our house last weekend makes me no closer to a decision about wanting kids. Some days yes, some days no. I don’t know what we are going to do. I am thinking adopting a Swedish teenage girl might be our best option.
  • Speaking of the little ones, I watched more than my fair share of Dora the Explorer, Blue’s Clues, The Backyardigans, and the Wonder Pets last week. Really great stuff. I know all about teamwork now.
  • Sorry Mack, but Duke went down last night and it was a beautiful thing.
  • Speaking of hoops, I still don’t know how Gonzaga blew that game last night. It was there for the taking and they choked.
  • If you have not had the opportunity to see the movie “V for Vendetta” then you need to get your ass to the theatre. It is way cool. I know it is only the movies but can you imagine if the people really realized that we have the power. Like the movie said, “The people should not be afraid of the government, the government should be afraid of the people.”
  • Did anyone watch the season finale of “The Shield?” I wasn’t surprised who got killed but the way it happened was shocking.
  • Holy crap! We got a new episode of “Lost” this week and we got another one next week.

    That’s all folks, have a great weekend.