Tuesday, September 30, 2008

So it begins

Sorry for the longer than usual absence but life just got a little suckier for this dumb, white guy. Right after I wrote my blog on Thursday expressing my love and admiration for Mrs. Shife I got laid off. It was sudden, unexpected, and I am still in shock. It was through no fault of my own as my position was eliminated thanks to economic crap bag that is still burning on America's front porch. Will someone please take one for the team and stomp that fire out? It is not looking good for my former employer as they have let go almost 80% of their employees since June. So I got to celebrate my wedding anniversary with my wife by wondering what the hell am I going to do with my life. (Suzanne the arrival of the book you sent me could not have come at a better time.)Also on your fourth year of wedded bliss the traditional gift is fruits or flowers so I told Mrs. Shife my former employer gave us a bowl of douche berries and a bouquet of eat shit for our anniversary.
Anyway I am little blue because this is the third major life event I have to deal with in less than three months. My mom died, a baby is on the way, and I don't have a job.
I know things will work out but it is hard seeing that picture develop right now when I am too busy having a pity party. So please cheer me up and send me good thoughts.
I will still be blogging but it might be hit and miss for a bit as I try to secure some sort of gainful employment in the immediate future. I guess I can start selling my underpants navy because I know that stuff works.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Sept. 25

I was hoping to bring the funny today but decided that I needed to address something of a more serious matter, my lovely wife.

Today marks our 4th wedding anniversary, and as some of you may know we have definitely had our world turned upside down more than once this past year. But through it all Mrs. Shife has been by my side offering her unconditional love and support. She is the greatest gift I have ever received.

I just wanted to share a little something with her again from my wedding speech.

Mrs. Shife, you know everything about me, but love me none the less. If it
were not for marriage I would never have known I had any faults, and
yet you still agreed to marry me. And as Mrs. Shife will be the first to
tell you, I'm often wrong, but in marrying you, I know I've made the
right decision.
I am extremely lucky to be the one to marry you today and I know this
is the start of many happy years together, because every day I wake to
find I love you twice as much as the day before. Someone once said
that we make a living by what we get, whereas we make a life by what we
give. Very true words indeed. You give me all of your love and so
much more with only one condition; that I give you all of my love in
return. This I gladly do. I am not marrying someone I can live with;
I am marrying the one person I cannot live without. To my bride, my
wife and my very best friend, Mrs. Shife, thank you very much for all
that you are, and all that you do.

Happy anniversary to the most beautiful person I know, my wife.

Monday, September 22, 2008

A Letter to Fall

Dear Fall,
Suck it. Yeah that’s right; you and your fancy Autumnal Equinox can go huff paint and make out with a Thai tranny for all I care. I know today is your big day but you are about as welcome as a fart in a car. If you were an ice cream flavor, you'd be pralines and dick. Sure this might be a little harsh especially since you have no idea who I am but trust me I know you and how you make us transition from summer to winter. You are a sick and twisted monster. How dare you make me transition? You know what? How about we transition a foot right up your butt? How does that sound? The sunlight has been disappearing. The nights are growing longer. The leaves are starting to fall off the trees. The nerve you have shortening my days and making me wear a relatively heavy shirt made out of synthetic fibers. I might even have to thrown on a peter heater. Fall or should I call you Autumn? Does the carpet even match the drapes? How about I just call you Turd Ferguson? Anyway, Turd, you are unyielding in your cruelty. Oh I despise you and your stranglehold on the calendar for the next 90 days. This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person. Well you miserable ham fisted salad tosser I hope you are happy with yourself. I imagine you will have some sort of rebuttal to this angry tirade but please don’t respond because I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

Unsincerely yours,
Mr. Shife

P.S. Truth be told I am just a little bitter because all my teams lost this weekend so Fall is getting the brunt of my frustration.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • First and foremost, thank you to each and every one of you for your congratulations on the big news for Mrs. Shife and I. We are pretty excited but also pretty scared that we are going to be responsible for another person.
  • The baby is due in March and we are not going to find out the sex of the baby. We figure it will be the first of many surprises for us as we enter parenthood.
  • I almost forgot. Another thank you to the Captain of Fallopian Swim Team. You did it buddy. Way to go. You are one in a million. Or is it one in a billion?
  • So one of my favorite shows returned to the airwaves last night, “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.” I hope you are watching it because it is some of the funniest stuff on TV. Here’s a sample of what you are missing if you have never watched.
    SEASON 4 UPDATE: The gang still brings the funny, and I learned what a gorilla mask is. This mask is definitely not something you want to wear to a Halloween party or use to rob a bank. I linked the word to some definitions but the Sunny crew put a little twist on their version.

  • Is Jesus a friend of yours? I don't know where Big J is hanging these days but I don't know if I like these friends of his. WWJD? I think he would turn the band into wine and find himself a new posse.

  • I don’t have much else to say today. It has been a crazy around here and I am just trying to live every week like it is Shark Week.
  • Have a good weekend, and remember to sanitize.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Mud on the Diapers

I've got some big news
The underpants navy finally came through
And I'm holdin' the keys to the start of a new day
Have feelings of delight and fright
How about a high five
Or maybe just send me a cupcake

There's a place I know where “It’s All About Me” runs out
And I get to try on the Daddy pants
Come on now what do you say
I can hardly wait to deal with mud on the diapers

'Cause it's kinda wild
To be out there knowin’ my wife is with child
Wake up and call the baby hotline
I've got to admit I am on cloud nine
It's fatherhood and I never thought I would get there
You got to know I am going to be dealing with mud on the diapers

Is this the end of mankind?
Mr. Shife becoming a dad might be a sign
I sure hope I don’t have to get a pap smear
We get to start shopping in baby town
Quincy is not going to be a happy hound
But I’ll thank my lucky stars at Baby Shifley’s world premiere

I hope he or she doesn’t grow up and dress like fashion mogul Jacobim Mugatu
And now I am never going to get to retire
And then with a little luck there won’t be much upchuck
When I am dealing with mud on the diapers

'Cause it's kinda wild
To be out there knowin’ my wife is with child
Wake up and call the baby hotline
I've got to admit I am on cloud nine
It's fatherhood and I never thought I would get there
You got to know I am going to be dealing with mud on the diapers

And then with a little luck there won’t be much upchuck
When I am dealing with mud on the diapers

So I know I joke quite a bit on this blog o' mine, but what you read is true; Mrs. Shife and I are expecting a baby this spring.
I tried to do something unique so I took a song by Brad Paisley called "Mud on the Tires" and made it "Mud on the Diapers."
My life is never going to be the same and I can't wait.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Boy Meets Grill

There are so many disturbing things in this video but the one that gets me is that this kid's mom bought the grill at the flea market. Oh the lifetime of thanks she is going to get from her son now that the world knows his mother bought him a grill at flea market. I do believe 4 out of 5 dentists recommend getting dental accessories at garage sales or flea markets.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

I have a dream

To be Kate Beckinsale’s OnStar agent. I could call her up while she is driving just to tell her how hot she is and to make sure she is driving safely so her hotness remains intact.

But since I live in reality this is how I could imagine my life would be with OnStar.

The following is not a real conversation between an OnStar client (me) and an Onstar agent (Winona).

Winona: OnStar, this is Winona, how may I help you?

Mr. Shife: Ahhhhh. I pooped. I couldn’t find a bathroom and I shit all over the car. Ah hell, this is disgusting.

Winona: Sir just remain calm and I can help you through this.

Mr. Shife: I can’t stay calm. There is poop everywhere. It is in my hair. On my knee. In my ear. In between my toes. Why did I wear flip flops today? Oh, I am just going to drive off a bridge.

Winona: Don’t do that. Just pull over and we can send help. You hang in there buckaroo.

Mr. Shife: How can you help? Did you not understand me? I shit all over the car. There are pieces of shit everywhere. Tiny pieces. Big pieces. All over the car. Maybe you could have helped before I shit, or if the shit had been contained within the confines of my pants but now it is everywhere.

Winona: It is going to be alright sir.

Mr. Shife: Ahhhhh. Oh my God. Ahhhh. Sweet Jesus. A little bit just got in my mouth. Oh this is horrible. I just tasted my own poop. Oh this is the worst thing ever. God kill me now. Please drive a railroad spike through my face.

Winona: Sir can you pull over?

Mr. Shife: Yeah.

Winona: Just try to remain calm sir and pull over. Help is on the way.

Mr. Shife: Unless you can pull a Superman and fly around the Earth to reverse time or you have a time machine that can take me back in time to when times were simpler and I was not covered in poo then there is no help for me. Goodbye.

Winona: Sir don’t go. Please stay on the line.

Mr. Shife: Goodbye OnStar lady. Thanks for trying to help me but I am trapped in a prison. On the planet bull shit. In the galaxy of this sucks camel dicks.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Seymour Butts

What is kicking my butt lately? P90X. Never get drunk and go online looking for a new workout program. I know most normal people get drunk and go online looking for porn. But I never said I was normal.
What is entertaining my butt lately? And no I don't mean literally. Because the literal answer to that question is quite personal and I do have a little pride left so I would probably tell you for a few bucks. But since this is a free podcast you get the figurative answer, and that would be "The Shield." Vic Mackey is back and it is going to get good in his final season.
Where has my butt been lately? OK literally it just got back from the men's room and it was not pretty. It was like a crap pinata exploded in there. Fortunately it was not my work but someone did some damage in there. It smelled like someone humped a piece of cheese.
What does my butt look good in? Alpa Cino Chinos of course. You really need to see "Tropic Thunder" to have any idea of what I am taking about.
Why does my butt think sad songs say so much? Two words: Elton John. According to him those sad songs they say so much and I am not going to disagree with the dude who wrote "The Lion King" soundtrack. Come on everbody sing with me ... "It is the circle of life ... and it moves us all "
What the heck is wrong with your butt? Literally nothing. It has the perfect combination of muscle and tone with just enough pigmentation to not blind you if I decided to moon you.