Monday, December 15, 2008

Squat and Spurt is not a good band name

I figured I had to do something to get your attention besides write Merry Christmas.
Anyway as Christmas is quickly approaching and 2008 is rapidly disappearing I just wanted to wish all of you magnificent bloggers a wonderful holiday season. Quincy also wanted to wish you a merry new year since everyone enjoyed his video. Please enjoy his thanks right here.
I am going to bounce out of the blogosphere until the new year so I will see you in 2009.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

My Muse

I am proud to present my straight to YouTube video sensation "A Day in the Life of the Fat Basset." OK I don't know if 34 views is a sensation but in doggie math that is like 238 so that is kind of a sensation. Alright it is more like a very tiny grope on the subway. And you definitely want to have the sound on.
Anyway, enjoy and have a great weekend!!!

Monday, December 08, 2008

I am a moron

Mrs. Shife and I have never broken down and got caller ID. We also hardly ever answer our land line because it is usually a telemarketer.
So when I do answer the land line and they ask for me I just say he is not available and can I take a message.
Well I get a phone call in the afternoon last week and decide to answer it.
"Hello is Mr. Shife there?"
"No I am sorry he is not here. Can I take a message?"
"This is Chris from Implied by Design returning his phone call."
Oh did I forget to mention that I was doing some freelance work and was trying to get in touch with a web design company so I could change a client's website content and gave them my home phone number to contact me.
So instead of pulling my head directly out of my butt and telling Chris that this is Mr. Shife and I was just screening my phone calls from telemarketers I decide to do the logical thing and pretend my name is Bob.
"Oh hi Chris. This is Bob. I work with Mr. Shife, and he told me about the problem. Maybe I can help figure out what we need to do."
And did I mention that I left this guy a message as Mr. Shife and the last time I checked voice impressions was not listed on my resume so I am pretty sure this guy thought I was a nutbar trying to pretend to be someone else or he just did not care.
It would be fine and dandy if I never had to talk to this guy again, but I had to send him an email after Bob's conversation with what I needed from him. And of course I mentioned in the email that Bob told me about their conversation.
Well the guy has not emailed me back yet and it has been 4 days so I am going to have to call him again.
I have not decided if Bob or Mr. Shife is going to call.
I am a moron.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • I am sure you heard the news but I did not get voted the Sexiest Man Alive by People Magazine. Damn you Hugh Jackman.
  • I just want to know when People Magazine is going to do their Sexiest Man Dead edition.
  • As you may have heard the economy kind of sucks right now. Experts from all across the world have offered their advice on what we need to do to right the ship. But I think the person we need to turn to is Billy Mays. Who? You know who he is. Just check out his link right here. He can fix anything. Just throw a little Mighty Putty on your 401K and it is all better. And if that doesn't work I can just use the Zorbeez when I piss myself after seeing how much money I lost again this month.
  • Entrepreneurial idea of the month - Turkey Taint lunch meat or Nocher Your Mother's Turkey lunch meat.
  • The holidays can be hectic and stressful. You may push your body to the edge so I just want to offer a little safety tip to all you guys out there. Be careful you don't get too close to the swimsuit area when you apply that Icy Hot. Santa should be the only one with a red sack this year.
  • Nothing says Merry Christmas like a gift certificate from Planned Parenthood.
Have a great weekend. And don't forget to put that toilet seat down.

Monday, December 01, 2008

Laughing Through the Pain

Today is December 1st and I can easily say it has not been one of my better days. I could not figure it out right away but then it dawned on me that it has been been 5 months to the day since my Mom passed away. I just want to crawl up into a little ball on the couch, be left alone, and tell the world to suck it. Unfortunately I can't do that. So I tried to remember something good about life with Mom, and it didn't take long. So here is a Christmas memory I would like to share and it makes me appreciate that I had wonderful woman I could call Mom.

A few years ago my Mom almost killed my grandmother. My grandmother has severe asthma so she has to be careful about her breathing, laughing, etc. Well my grandmother thought it would be nice to share a holiday joke with my Mom. And my dear old Mother takes jokes literally. She doesn't understand the nuances or the double entendres or the play on words. She has the joke IQ of Forrest Gump.
So my grandmother asks my mom the following: "Why did Mrs. Claus tell Santa Claus she was going to town?" My Mother gave a perplexed look and shook her head saying she did not know. Well my grandmother told her the answer: "To blow a few bucks!"
Well my Dad and grandma start laughing, and laugh a little harder because my Mom did not get it as it just went right over her head.
My Mom started to think about the answer and did not really see humor. So she stated with a straight face, "I don't know why that is funny. I have got into town and blown a few bucks before. I have done it a lot of times and there is nothing funny about that."
Now my Dad and grandma are howling, and my poor grandmother is reaching for her oxygen because her asthma is getting the best of her.
Then my Mom continues with her quest for the truth by saying, "People blow bucks all the time. It happens every day. Why is that funny? Do they do something different with their money?"
By now my grandmother can't take anymore, and my Dad has tears rolling down his face as he takes my Mom into another room to explain the joke to her. A few minutes later my Mom re-enters the room blushing as she discovered the hidden meaning of blowing a few bucks and grateful that she did not kill my grandmother.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving

I know it is a little premature but I thought I would go ahead and wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving. Hopefully everyone will be enjoying the holiday with family and friends and have plenty of reasons to be thankful. I for one am very thankful even though life has thrown me some adversity this year. No need to get into that instead I just wanted to share one of my favorite Thanksgiving posts. Have a wonderful turkey day and I will talk to you next week.

A very special Thanksgiving with the Hoff

That's right, Mrs. Shife and I spent the turkey extravaganza with the one and only David Hasselhoff. It turned out to be an interesting evening and I have some photos to share with all of you.

First things first, me and my buds dressed up like pirates and attacked the Hoff. We pretend stabbed him and tried to shiver his timbers, and the Hoff played along but he wanted to play a new game.

He decided he wanted to play the underwear model game. He was the only one that was really into it and it kind of scared away everyone that had come over.

Then things got really weird. He decided he wanted to play the game with puppies. The Hoff has the ability to make cute puppier appear out of thin air.

This kind of freaked out Mrs. Shife that the Hoff was posing with puppies naked in the middle of our house. I tried to calm her down so I let the Hoff do some dancing until dinner was ready.

We finally sat down and enjoyed our traditional meal of Beef Stroganhoff. Extra hunky of course.

After our delicious culinary experience, we all got settled in the TV room to begin the Baywatch marathon (It is a tradition in our household.) After a few hours of Baywatch madness, I commented to the Hoff that his show had the greatest eye candy that the world had ever seen. The Hoff was a little put off by my remarks, and said that the show was much more than that. It was a cleverly written social commentary on the caste system in India. I about peed myself from laughing so hard. The Hoff was not amused. He threw his sparkling cider in my face. I was now not amused, and I called him a homo. The Hoff had enough and stormed out of our home. He called Gary Coleman. And a few minutes later, Gary showed up in KITT, and the two sped away.

I just laughed the whole thing off, and just figured it was the cider talking. I expected to get an apology from the Hoff the next morning. Well I got something from him, he e-mailed me the picture below.

Well, it is on Hoff. You better watch your back buddy. And was it really necessary to bring Officer Poncharello into the equation?

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • Thanks to the inspiration of Stephen Colbert I am going to start a "Snort Cocaine for Charity" campaign. So if you know of any organizations in need let me know and I will get my team together to snort as much cocaine as possible for your charity.
  • If I opened a comedy club I would name it LOL.
  • Bill Maher suggested that President-elect Obama change the Department of Health and Human Services to the Department of Earth, Wind, and Fire. Some of you might get the reference if you were born in the '70s.
  • I went and saw "Role Models." Very funny movie.
  • I ran into someone who had a miniature Husky. Yes that's right - a sawed-off Husky that will weigh about 25 pounds. I don't understand it but I saw it. Anyway I though it would be great if they had another dog sled race in Alaska called "The Midgetarod" - an Iditarod for the little people and little dogs. So you have the mini Huskies pulling around midgets? What do you think?

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Mr. Shife Whacks 500th Post

Mr. Shife became the youngest blogger on his block to hit 500 posts, writing consonants and vowels at a dizzying pace Tuesday afternoon to reach the milestone.

Mr. Shife posted the landmark blog at 4:20 pm wearing his beloved “Did I Shave My Balls For This” t-shirt. The fan of Hasselhoff and midgets hit the enter button, and then rubbed the belly of his fat basset.

He exchanged a high-five with himself, then gave himself a pat on the back as he began checking out the blogs of his buddies. Many Internet notables sent him well-wishes and congratulations as news of his highlight surfaced on the World Wide Web.

The solo post gave Mr. Shife an opportunity to take an article written about a baseball player hitting his 500th home run and rewrite it to make him sound like he is a super cool dude. The blog had an estimated 273 words.

There were thousands of Mr. Shife backers in his imagination, and not one single camera flashed in his house during every keystroke leading up to Boise's designated blogger’s number 500 post.

In his first post, Mr. Shife wrote about the dog unemployment rate. He then wrote some more posts about his beloved basset but then realized his dog doesn’t do much but eat and sleep so his blog was going to be pretty boring unless he wrote about other fun things like an Ambushed Paddington or Random Acts of Shifeness.

"It's really cool right now to be a part of his blog," Mr. Shife’s second favorite Canadian Cher said. "Every time he posts I get goosebumps.”

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Did I say 10 days?

There was a reason why I was a communications major. But I am back. Hopefully everyone survived without me. Alright quick group hug. Everyone feel better?
On with the blog.
I found this playing around online. I don't need to talk about the last time I played online. I think I still have that rash.
Anyway this is just a hypothetical game.
I know some of you might not like playing hypothetical games because it is like lying to your mind but do it anyway. And I realize most of these questions are for people with penises but I think there are a few for the ladies.

Would You Rather...

  • Have infinite money or live as long as you want?
  • Be famous for getting beat up by Clay Aiken or for banging Oprah?
  • Call it Rhode Island or Kakapoopooshire?
  • Have straight, black teeth that can't be whitened or pearly white, crooked teeth that can't be fixed?
  • Have a dumb girlfriend with big boobs, or a smart girlfriend with a major bank account and no boobs?
  • And for the ladies. Have a dumb boyfriend with a huge wang, or a smart boyfriend with a major bank account and a tiny, tiny wang.
  • Have a kind, intelligent talking hampster or a loud, racist talking Wookie?
  • Have a hang nail or something stuck in your teeth for the rest of your life?
  • Only be able to talk using famous movie quotes or only be able to talk in a hilariously high-pitched voice for the rest of your life?
  • Kill Dracula with your bare hands or kill an army of weak, slow zombies with a bunch of weapons?
  • Have Will Smith's character from Men in Black be president, or have Will Smith's character from Independence Day be president?
  • Lick a subway handrail, or forever suck at beer pong?
  • Be Jason Bourne, or James Bond, but as Timothy Dalton?
  • Be able to only watch movies, or television for the rest of your life?
  • Live in Peewee's Playhouse, or Live in the Playboy Mansion?
  • Have Van Halen's "Eruption" play loudly for everyone to hear whenever you pee, or have Marvin Gaye's "Lets get it on" whenever you have a boner?
  • Find a genie lamp inhabited by Robin Williams, or find a genie lamp inhabited by Shaq?
  • Have make up sex, or break up sex?
  • Know how many times you have masturbated in your life, or know how much time you have spent masturbating in your life?
  • Graduate from school without debt, or be unbeatable at Golden Tee?

I think that is enough.
Have a good weekend.
And remember no shirt, no shoes, no service.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • Happy Halloween!!! Any big plans for the evening? Are you getting dressed up? Still looking for an idea? Well here are three of my favorite costumes and I think you would be a hit if you chose to use one of these ideas:

    Foil Man
    Elephant Man

    Darth Weirdo

  • This will be my last post for about a week or so. My little brother is getting married next weekend, and we have family coming into town so I will be busy entertaining (read drinking heavily) and doing other fun things (read drinking even more heavily) next week. Wish me luck.

  • But if a certain person (his last name rhymes with Yo Momma) is not elected President on Tuesday I might be busy packing up my stuff for a move to Canada. So you might not hear from me for a little bit longer. I hope you have that spare room ready Cher. Speaking of Cher has anyone heard from my second-favorite Canadian lately?

  • I displayed my college football expertise over here at my favorite Boilermakers' blog. Check it out if you want.

  • They say things come in threes and I just had to post another disturbing commercial of the day. These one is highly disturbing, and if you need one of these I do believe you have some serious issues. The only rack I need in my bed belongs to Mrs. Shife.

  • So happy that "3o Rock" is back on TV. I just love that show. I am going to giggle about Jack being touched in the swimsuit area all week long.

  • Do you ever wonder if the Hokey Pokey is what it is all about?

  • I can't think of anything else. Have a great Halloween, enjoy your weekend, and I will see you in about 10 days.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Another Disturbing Commercial of the Day

OK I think we can all agree that baby wee wee was bad.
But I am proud to say that I have found another bad one.
And just in time if you were looking for a last minute Halloween costume idea.
So without further ado I proudly present the world premiere of the "The Tiddy Bear."
Don't forget to buckle up!!!!

Friday, October 24, 2008

Disturbing Commercial of the Day

In my never ending quest to find things that make you go hmmm, I proudly present the baby wee wee doll. It is not too early to start your Christmas shopping and nothing says I love you more than a doll that pees in your face when you rub its tummy. Enjoy.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Who would be on your Mt. Rushmore?

So if you could have your own personal Mt. Rushmore who would be up there?
I have thought about this for a few days and my answers have changed as much as I have changed my underwear. But on this very day I am going with Pat Tillman, my Mom, Abraham Lincoln, and George Carlin.
Who do you have up there?

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • Maybe it is a mid-life crisis but I am contemplating changing the name of my private parts. What do you think of Bill and Ted as my testicles and my penis being called The Excellent Adventure?
  • The latest installment of Indiana Jones came out on DVD this week. I saw it in the theater and really did not care for it. I could not really put a finger on it but then an episode of "South Park" really cleared it up for me. Indiana Jones was raped.

  • I was listening to a podcast and the guy was talking about the gayest phrases he ever heard. Here they are, and which one do you think is the gayest?
    -- "I just saw Wicked for the second time in San Francisco"
    -- "I just went dildo shopping with Richard Simmons in West Hollywood"
    -- "I just got my ass waxed by the Village People"
    -- "I attended a Feng Shui conference with Clay Aiken in Key West"
    -- "I am a Cubs fan"

  • And my public service announcement of the week

Monday, October 13, 2008

No Hot Soup For You

Yes can I get the fish tacos, a Miller Lite draft, and some clothes for that table of senior citizens over there.
What am I talking about? Well I just heard about this trend - albeit a little late - but I still heard about it and I needed to talk about. Apparently nude dining is kind of a big deal out in NYC. Read all about here.
Oh My God! Why are people in eating establishments completely void of garments?
You know I love a cheeseburger but I would love it even more if my testicles were exposed to the entire restaurant. Or I could really enjoy my salad more if a husky man and his voluptuous dinner date were enjoying a huge plate of BBQ ribs completely free of their clothing.
Nothing gets my appetite going more than knowing my naked butt might be sitting in a chair that has had buckets of ass matter or swamp butt or taint juice all over it from an incredible amount of strangers.
I am sorry but there is not enough Pine Sol in the world to make that chair sanitary enough for me.
Enjoy your meals.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

I am just saying

  • I don't think there are too many places a rug burn feels awesome. I don't recall ever saying to a buddy "Hey you don't know what you are missing. Having a rug burn on your testicle is fantastic." Anyway, I got a rug burn on my toe that is located between my big toe and my middle toe. Is there a technical term for that little piggy? So I got one there and it hurts. And that image is my community service message to everyone. It is a hidden epidemic and you good folks need to be warned.
  • I just thought I would add my perspective to the gay marriage issue. I just think we need to drop the whole gay thing from it and just call it marriage. It is just two dudes or two ladies who want to get married. We don't need to throw gay in there to make it a political or religious issue. I mean when two gay dudes decide to have lunch it is just lunch not gay lunch.
Have yourself a merry little weekend.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

I am feeling very presidential today

There's an effort to elect an unknown random person as President ... and it's someone we know! Watch this online video about the surprising new nominee:

Friday, October 03, 2008

Underwear range

My friend told me about the underwear range. He said it will help determine how distraught I am about being unemployed. It basically works like this: The more troubled I become about being without a job then my comfort level of just being in my underwear increases. For example, week 1 of unemployment I might just be on the couch in my manties. Week 5 I am getting the mail in my tightie whities. Week 12 I am enjoying a buffet at the Sizzler in my banana hammocks.
Right now I am sitting on the couch fully dressed but when I start raking the leaves in my Speed Racer underoo set I will let you know.
Have a fabulous weekend.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

So it begins

Sorry for the longer than usual absence but life just got a little suckier for this dumb, white guy. Right after I wrote my blog on Thursday expressing my love and admiration for Mrs. Shife I got laid off. It was sudden, unexpected, and I am still in shock. It was through no fault of my own as my position was eliminated thanks to economic crap bag that is still burning on America's front porch. Will someone please take one for the team and stomp that fire out? It is not looking good for my former employer as they have let go almost 80% of their employees since June. So I got to celebrate my wedding anniversary with my wife by wondering what the hell am I going to do with my life. (Suzanne the arrival of the book you sent me could not have come at a better time.)Also on your fourth year of wedded bliss the traditional gift is fruits or flowers so I told Mrs. Shife my former employer gave us a bowl of douche berries and a bouquet of eat shit for our anniversary.
Anyway I am little blue because this is the third major life event I have to deal with in less than three months. My mom died, a baby is on the way, and I don't have a job.
I know things will work out but it is hard seeing that picture develop right now when I am too busy having a pity party. So please cheer me up and send me good thoughts.
I will still be blogging but it might be hit and miss for a bit as I try to secure some sort of gainful employment in the immediate future. I guess I can start selling my underpants navy because I know that stuff works.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Sept. 25

I was hoping to bring the funny today but decided that I needed to address something of a more serious matter, my lovely wife.

Today marks our 4th wedding anniversary, and as some of you may know we have definitely had our world turned upside down more than once this past year. But through it all Mrs. Shife has been by my side offering her unconditional love and support. She is the greatest gift I have ever received.

I just wanted to share a little something with her again from my wedding speech.

Mrs. Shife, you know everything about me, but love me none the less. If it
were not for marriage I would never have known I had any faults, and
yet you still agreed to marry me. And as Mrs. Shife will be the first to
tell you, I'm often wrong, but in marrying you, I know I've made the
right decision.
I am extremely lucky to be the one to marry you today and I know this
is the start of many happy years together, because every day I wake to
find I love you twice as much as the day before. Someone once said
that we make a living by what we get, whereas we make a life by what we
give. Very true words indeed. You give me all of your love and so
much more with only one condition; that I give you all of my love in
return. This I gladly do. I am not marrying someone I can live with;
I am marrying the one person I cannot live without. To my bride, my
wife and my very best friend, Mrs. Shife, thank you very much for all
that you are, and all that you do.

Happy anniversary to the most beautiful person I know, my wife.

Monday, September 22, 2008

A Letter to Fall

Dear Fall,
Suck it. Yeah that’s right; you and your fancy Autumnal Equinox can go huff paint and make out with a Thai tranny for all I care. I know today is your big day but you are about as welcome as a fart in a car. If you were an ice cream flavor, you'd be pralines and dick. Sure this might be a little harsh especially since you have no idea who I am but trust me I know you and how you make us transition from summer to winter. You are a sick and twisted monster. How dare you make me transition? You know what? How about we transition a foot right up your butt? How does that sound? The sunlight has been disappearing. The nights are growing longer. The leaves are starting to fall off the trees. The nerve you have shortening my days and making me wear a relatively heavy shirt made out of synthetic fibers. I might even have to thrown on a peter heater. Fall or should I call you Autumn? Does the carpet even match the drapes? How about I just call you Turd Ferguson? Anyway, Turd, you are unyielding in your cruelty. Oh I despise you and your stranglehold on the calendar for the next 90 days. This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person. Well you miserable ham fisted salad tosser I hope you are happy with yourself. I imagine you will have some sort of rebuttal to this angry tirade but please don’t respond because I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

Unsincerely yours,
Mr. Shife

P.S. Truth be told I am just a little bitter because all my teams lost this weekend so Fall is getting the brunt of my frustration.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • First and foremost, thank you to each and every one of you for your congratulations on the big news for Mrs. Shife and I. We are pretty excited but also pretty scared that we are going to be responsible for another person.
  • The baby is due in March and we are not going to find out the sex of the baby. We figure it will be the first of many surprises for us as we enter parenthood.
  • I almost forgot. Another thank you to the Captain of Fallopian Swim Team. You did it buddy. Way to go. You are one in a million. Or is it one in a billion?
  • So one of my favorite shows returned to the airwaves last night, “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.” I hope you are watching it because it is some of the funniest stuff on TV. Here’s a sample of what you are missing if you have never watched.
    SEASON 4 UPDATE: The gang still brings the funny, and I learned what a gorilla mask is. This mask is definitely not something you want to wear to a Halloween party or use to rob a bank. I linked the word to some definitions but the Sunny crew put a little twist on their version.

  • Is Jesus a friend of yours? I don't know where Big J is hanging these days but I don't know if I like these friends of his. WWJD? I think he would turn the band into wine and find himself a new posse.

  • I don’t have much else to say today. It has been a crazy around here and I am just trying to live every week like it is Shark Week.
  • Have a good weekend, and remember to sanitize.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Mud on the Diapers

I've got some big news
The underpants navy finally came through
And I'm holdin' the keys to the start of a new day
Have feelings of delight and fright
How about a high five
Or maybe just send me a cupcake

There's a place I know where “It’s All About Me” runs out
And I get to try on the Daddy pants
Come on now what do you say
I can hardly wait to deal with mud on the diapers

'Cause it's kinda wild
To be out there knowin’ my wife is with child
Wake up and call the baby hotline
I've got to admit I am on cloud nine
It's fatherhood and I never thought I would get there
You got to know I am going to be dealing with mud on the diapers

Is this the end of mankind?
Mr. Shife becoming a dad might be a sign
I sure hope I don’t have to get a pap smear
We get to start shopping in baby town
Quincy is not going to be a happy hound
But I’ll thank my lucky stars at Baby Shifley’s world premiere

I hope he or she doesn’t grow up and dress like fashion mogul Jacobim Mugatu
And now I am never going to get to retire
And then with a little luck there won’t be much upchuck
When I am dealing with mud on the diapers

'Cause it's kinda wild
To be out there knowin’ my wife is with child
Wake up and call the baby hotline
I've got to admit I am on cloud nine
It's fatherhood and I never thought I would get there
You got to know I am going to be dealing with mud on the diapers

And then with a little luck there won’t be much upchuck
When I am dealing with mud on the diapers

So I know I joke quite a bit on this blog o' mine, but what you read is true; Mrs. Shife and I are expecting a baby this spring.
I tried to do something unique so I took a song by Brad Paisley called "Mud on the Tires" and made it "Mud on the Diapers."
My life is never going to be the same and I can't wait.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Boy Meets Grill

There are so many disturbing things in this video but the one that gets me is that this kid's mom bought the grill at the flea market. Oh the lifetime of thanks she is going to get from her son now that the world knows his mother bought him a grill at flea market. I do believe 4 out of 5 dentists recommend getting dental accessories at garage sales or flea markets.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

I have a dream

To be Kate Beckinsale’s OnStar agent. I could call her up while she is driving just to tell her how hot she is and to make sure she is driving safely so her hotness remains intact.

But since I live in reality this is how I could imagine my life would be with OnStar.

The following is not a real conversation between an OnStar client (me) and an Onstar agent (Winona).

Winona: OnStar, this is Winona, how may I help you?

Mr. Shife: Ahhhhh. I pooped. I couldn’t find a bathroom and I shit all over the car. Ah hell, this is disgusting.

Winona: Sir just remain calm and I can help you through this.

Mr. Shife: I can’t stay calm. There is poop everywhere. It is in my hair. On my knee. In my ear. In between my toes. Why did I wear flip flops today? Oh, I am just going to drive off a bridge.

Winona: Don’t do that. Just pull over and we can send help. You hang in there buckaroo.

Mr. Shife: How can you help? Did you not understand me? I shit all over the car. There are pieces of shit everywhere. Tiny pieces. Big pieces. All over the car. Maybe you could have helped before I shit, or if the shit had been contained within the confines of my pants but now it is everywhere.

Winona: It is going to be alright sir.

Mr. Shife: Ahhhhh. Oh my God. Ahhhh. Sweet Jesus. A little bit just got in my mouth. Oh this is horrible. I just tasted my own poop. Oh this is the worst thing ever. God kill me now. Please drive a railroad spike through my face.

Winona: Sir can you pull over?

Mr. Shife: Yeah.

Winona: Just try to remain calm sir and pull over. Help is on the way.

Mr. Shife: Unless you can pull a Superman and fly around the Earth to reverse time or you have a time machine that can take me back in time to when times were simpler and I was not covered in poo then there is no help for me. Goodbye.

Winona: Sir don’t go. Please stay on the line.

Mr. Shife: Goodbye OnStar lady. Thanks for trying to help me but I am trapped in a prison. On the planet bull shit. In the galaxy of this sucks camel dicks.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Seymour Butts

What is kicking my butt lately? P90X. Never get drunk and go online looking for a new workout program. I know most normal people get drunk and go online looking for porn. But I never said I was normal.
What is entertaining my butt lately? And no I don't mean literally. Because the literal answer to that question is quite personal and I do have a little pride left so I would probably tell you for a few bucks. But since this is a free podcast you get the figurative answer, and that would be "The Shield." Vic Mackey is back and it is going to get good in his final season.
Where has my butt been lately? OK literally it just got back from the men's room and it was not pretty. It was like a crap pinata exploded in there. Fortunately it was not my work but someone did some damage in there. It smelled like someone humped a piece of cheese.
What does my butt look good in? Alpa Cino Chinos of course. You really need to see "Tropic Thunder" to have any idea of what I am taking about.
Why does my butt think sad songs say so much? Two words: Elton John. According to him those sad songs they say so much and I am not going to disagree with the dude who wrote "The Lion King" soundtrack. Come on everbody sing with me ... "It is the circle of life ... and it moves us all "
What the heck is wrong with your butt? Literally nothing. It has the perfect combination of muscle and tone with just enough pigmentation to not blind you if I decided to moon you.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • Has "I need to shave my butt" been the first thought in your head when you wake up in the morning? How about "I need to shave the dog's butt"?
  • "Tropic Thunder" is frickin' hilarious. I know someone does not agree with me on that but maybe I just had zero expectations when I saw it. I had a good time at this movie.
  • Has anyone ever considered yelling "Theater" in a firehouse?
  • It might have been a good idea to go by Richard.
  • New term - stink ghost. Maybe you have heard it but it is new to me. When you are in the mall or someplace and you walk into someone's fart. Just minding your own business and then all of the sudden your nasal cavities are being assaulted by General Colon's barking commandos.
  • So I am leaving on a jet plane. Taking off on a vacation next week so this blog will be quiet. Sorry. I know I just started writing again and now I am leaving again. But I will talk to everyone when I return. Normal blogging should resume around Sept. 9.
  • Enjoy your long weekend, and be kind, please rewind. And one more tip - try not to have as much fun as this guy:

Thursday, August 28, 2008

300 seconds

So I am picking a completely random sentence that I found on the Internet and then I am going to write whatever pops in my head for five minutes. I must warn you this is probably going to be as much as fun as kicking water uphill but let’s see what happens.

Just finished enjoying a blueberry blast smoothie and some Jazzercise. Man oh man that Jazzercise can really make you feel like a man. Wow I got three mans in one sentence. Speaking of man, I saw a video today of Manfred Mann’s “Blinded by the Light” and I guess it is one of those songs where the lyrics are misheard quite often. Instead of hearing “Blinded by the light, revved up like a deuce, another runner in the night.” People hear “Blinded by the light, wrapped up like a douche into the middle of the night.” I can see where people hear douche but why the hell would anyone sing about being wrapped up like a douche in the middle of the night. I have heard some strange stuff but I don’t believe “wrapped up like a douche” has been indoctrinated into American vernacular enough to warrant an inclusion in a top 40 song. But it was the ‘70s and who knows what the hell the kids back then were doing. Maybe they were wrapping stuff up in douches and experimenting. I don’t even know what a douche looks like. Now I can point out a douche bag a mile away, but if you had a lineup of items and said pick out the douche I think I would be go home still douche less. Are their male douches? I am not trying to be a smart ass just curious. We dudes have some smelly parts and it would not be a bad idea to tidy up some of those areas. I mean I could use a shot of Febreeze in the taint region every now and then especially after going to the gym. The taint? The spot between your balls and your butthole. It ain’t your balls and it ain’t your butthole. I imagine that is where Sex Panther cologne originates from. That is great quote from “Anchorman.”
Brian Fantana: [about Veronica] I'll give this little cookie an hour before we're doing the no-pants dance. Time to musk up. [opens cologne cabinet]
Ron Burgundy: Wow. Never ceases to amaze me. What cologne you gonna go with? London Gentleman, or wait. No, no, no. Hold on. Blackbeard's Delight.
Brian Fantana: No, she gets a special cologne... It's called Sex Panther by Odeon. It's illegal in nine countries... Yep, it's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good.
Ron Burgundy: It's quite pungent.
Brian Fantana: Oh yeah.
Ron Burgundy: It's a formidable scent... It stings the nostrils. In a good way.
Brian Fantana: Yep.
Ron Burgundy: Brian, I'm gonna be honest with you, that smells like pure gasoline.
Brian Fantana: They've done studies, you know. 60% of the time it works, every time. [cheesy grin]
Ron Burgundy: That doesn't make sense.
Brian Fantana: Well... Let's go see if we can make this little kitty purr.

And time’s up. See you tomorrow.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

While Mrs. Moose is Away

apparently Mr. Moose likes to bang buffalo statues. I do believe this would fall under the category of things you do not see every day. And it also makes you grateful that you are not a buffalo statue.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

The Wonderful World Wide Web

Here are some highlights I have found on the information superhighway. Please enjoy, and remember only you can prevent forest fires.
  • Any female readers from the Louisville area will be happy to know that they can receive free oral sex from this cool dude.
  • Need a computer lesson? Ask Bud. Bud looks like a classy dude. Next time I have Excel problems Bud is getting an email.
  • Ever wondered what to wear to your mug shot? Well here are some ideas.
  • The Periodic Table of Awesomeness.
  • Weird Asia News. Actually really weird Asia news. Those dudes in Hong Kong are freaky.
Have a great Tuesday.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Funny stuff

I heard this the other day when I was watching a movie. I am paraphrasing but I still think I am doing it justice. And if you know the movie then I might send you a country ham.

I love Famous Amos cookies. They are so good. Delicious. But growing up as kid my family was very poor so we could not afford Famous Amos cookies. Instead we had to settle for the generic version of Famous Amos. These little treats were called Heinous Anus cookies. They are not so delicious.

Happy Monday

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Boob tube

Euphemism - A word or phrase that is used in place of another that is thought to be too strong or unpleasant. For example, "He is a little person" instead of "He is a sawed-off bastard."
Well I never thought I would hear a euphemism for jerking off during an adjustable gastric band commercial. But then again I never thought I would be watching Olympic badminton matches.
So what are these magical words that made me giggle like a 12-year-old boy.
Drum roll please.
I want to do karate with my little warrior.

Watch the commercial here and you will hear it in the first few seconds.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Rock me Bryan Adams

Do you remember the power ballad "Heaven" by Bryan Adams?
Here is a link to the video in case you need to refresh the brain.
Anyway, I heard something the other day and then I realized I am a sick and twisted person.
If you want to know if you are sick and twisted then replace the line "We're in Heaven" with "You are only 11" when you watch the video.
The lyrics are below if you just want to read.
If you giggle then welcome aboard the S & T fun bus.
If you didn't then you probably should not be reading this blog.

Oh - thinkin' about all our younger years
There was only you and me
We were young and wild and free

Now nothin' can take you away from me
We been down that road before
But that's over now
You keep me comin' back for more

Baby you're all that I want
When you're lyin' here in my arms
I'm findin' it hard to believe
You are only 11
And love is all that I need
And I found it there in your heart
It isn't too hard to see
You are only 11

Oh - once in your life you find someone
Who will turn your world around
Bring you up when you're feelin' down

Ya - nothin' could change what you mean to me
Oh there's lots that I could say
But just hold me now
Cause our love will light the way

N' baby you're all that I want
When you're lyin' here in my arms
I'm findin' it hard to believe
You are only 11
And love is all that I need
And I found it there in your heart
It isn't too hard to see
You are only 11

I've been waitin' for so long
For something to arrive
For love to come along

Now our dreams are comin' true
Through the good times and the bad
Ya - I'll be standin' there by you

P.S. I don't what is dumber - me thinking "You are only 11" is funny or that video. What the hell was the message there? Seriously people were doing a lot of narcotics back in the early '80s. OK. Let's open with a DUI arrest, then concert footage, then stoned chick leaves and sneaks into the concert, then stoned chick realizes she is stoned and has walked into a band rehearsal, then Bryan Adams wraps up the song and bolts off the stage because one of his band mates unleashed a fart tsunami that smelled like someone humped a piece of cheese, but then he is trapped inside because a blizzard just hit. Yeah that about sums it up.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Random Thoughts

This is going to be a little disjointed as I am just trying to get the cluttered mess out of my head and onto paper. I know everyone is wondering if I am doing OK, and for the most part yes I am. But I miss my mom terribly and sometimes I don’t know how to deal with that pain. Sometimes it is sleep or a starry night or a walk with the fat basset or holding hands with my beloved wife or just crying. It helps to ease the hurt but the world has not stopped spinning because of my sadness. As time pushes me forward I am finding this to be the most difficult week of all. It has been a month since she passed, and the anger is starting to surface. It could be a combination of a few things forming to create this fury but it is there and I have to deal with it. I think I am just mostly angry because I just want one more day with her or even one more hour. I look around and see people who don’t know how lucky they are to be able to call up their mom or go visit or be with her. I see people who don’t even care if their parents are alive or dead. I know I am looking at my scenario with an extremely narrow focus because minus the heartache I am in a pretty good situation with my life. I need to concentrate on that but it is hard. Much harder than I thought. I thought I was handling it pretty well but I guess I was fooling myself. What’s next? I don’t know. I really don’t. I have always wanted to do more with my life in the humanitarian sense. I need to find that path because I know it will bring me great joy and comfort to help others, and I definitely want to do it in honor of my mother because she was a compassionate soul who cared for so many. I am hoping she can show me the way. I don’t plan on running off to Africa or anything like that, but I would like to find a cause where I can donate my time or services to help make someone’s life a little better. And before I forget, thank you to each and everyone one of you who have been there for me and my family. Your words and actions are greatly appreciated. I have also included words to a song I recently heard by a band called Daughtry ( Music can be interpreted in so many ways but to me it helps me think of that tiny little lady who gave me so much and I thank my lucky stars that she was my mom.

"What About Now"

Shadows fill an empty heart

As love is fading,

From all the things that we are

But are not saying.

Can we see beyond the scars

And make it to the dawn?

Change the colors of the sky.

And open up to

The ways you made me feel alive,

The ways I loved you.

For all the things that never died,

To make it through the night,

Love will find you.

What about now?

What about today?

What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?

What if our love never went away?

What if it's lost behind words we could never find?

Baby, before it's too late,

What about now?

The sun is breaking in your eyes

To start a new day.

This broken heart can still survive

With a touch of your grace.

Shadows fade into the light.

I am by your side,

Where love will find you.

What about now?

What about today?

What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?

What if our love, it never went away?

What if it's lost behind words we could never find?

Baby, before it's too late,

What about now?

Now that we're here,

Now that we've come this far,

Just hold on.

There is nothing to fear,

For I am right beside you.

For all my life,

I am yours.

What about now?

What about today?

What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?

What if our love never went away?

What if it's lost behind words we could never find?

What about now?

What about today?

What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?

What if our love never went away?

What if it's lost behind words we could never find?

Baby, before it's too late,

Baby, before it's too late,

Baby, before it's too late,

What about now?

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Thank you

I would like to thank everyone for their support and comfort during this very dark time of my life. I have never officially met any of you but I do consider all of you my friends. It makes me feel very special that you took the time to express your condolences to this dumb, white guy. It will mean more than you will ever know.

It has been two weeks now since I lost my mom, and it is still very difficult at times. I just miss her so much and there are so many things I see or do every day that remind me of her. I know time heals all wounds but this one is going to take a long time. I had a special bond with my beloved mother and she was always there for me. That void in my life will never be filled and that is what hurts the most. I am reassured to know that she is at peace now and I also know she is in a better place. But it still hurts when you were not ready to say good bye yet.

If there is one thing I could pass along to anyone who read this blog it is this: Please don’t take anything for granted. You just never know. I talked to my mom on Sunday and the next day she was gone. Life is so short and so precious that you must live every day like it is a gift. I know it is a cliché and it is definitely easier said than done. It is so simple to get wrapped up in all the bull shit that is life, but if you can, and I know you can, try really, really hard to live out your dreams and do those things that you have been putting off. Find the joy in life & enjoy the heck out of it.

Anyway this blog will be back up and running some day with more uplifting topics but right now I am just going to take some more time to mourn one of the most beautiful people I have ever met. I love you mom and thank you for giving some of the greatest gifts I will ever now.

Take care everyone and I will see you online soon.


Monday, July 07, 2008

Everything changes

I have experienced pain before. Be it a broken bone or a broken heart but I have never experienced anything like this before.
It was sudden and no one start it coming.
My mom passed away on July 1, 2008.
For everything I am today, My mother’s love showed me the way. She was always there when I needed her to comfort and to care. She will always be in my thoughts and her love will follow me everywhere. Thank you for all you've done and given so generously so I can have the blessed life I live today. I love you, my wonderful mother.

Hello there mom it's only me
The oldest one of the three
You brought me up to be strong
Always taught me right from wrong
Even when you'd scream and shout
And thought I was acting out
I know you cared
Without a doubt
Even when you had your fears
You never let us see your tears
Thank you mom for looking after me
And the granddchildren you may not see
I know that we will meet again
Love forever until then

Monday, June 02, 2008

I don't heart you blogspot

I am not sure what is going on with me and blogging right now. I just can't pinpoint the reason. First I just figured I was just having a torrid hate affair with blogging but then I thought I might have a ginormous crab stuck in my ass, which as you know can be quite mood altering. My motivation to blog is almost non-existent. Maybe my arch nemesis Jim Shitburger has put a spell on me. So for the time being I am done. It might be a week or two. Maybe in the tub, in the car, up against the mini-bar. It might be longer. But I will be back. Hopefully you will still be here.

Mr. Shife

We are so related

Regular readers of the blog will know that I occasionally talk about midgets on this blog.
I don't know. Honestly I think I was traumatized as a high schooler when I ended up drunk at a Holiday Inn and a Little People of America convention was in session. It was a weird night, trust me.
Well Mrs. Shife and I took my 5-year-old nephew to the movies, and you never know what is going to happen when a 5-year-old is in tow but he did something that made me realize that maybe the love of the little people is in my family's blood.
So there we are in a darkened theater with a few other strangers getting ready to watch "Iron Man." The previews start and my nephew is enjoying his tasty beverage and popcorn. No worries. Mrs. Shife and I are both settling in getting ready for the movie. Then it happened. A preview of the new Mike Myers' flick "The Love Guru" begins. The film also stars Verne Troyer, but he is better known as Mini-Me from "Austin Powers." Well guess what happened every time Mini-Me appeared on the screen? Good guess, but not quite right. My little nephew would yell enthusiastically yell "Midget" at the movie screen. And he wasn't using his inside voice. Needless to say, Mrs. Shife and I had no idea this was going to happen and about died laughing when he did it. We tried to get him to quiet down but it is hard when you are nearly choking on your popcorn.
Those kids do say the darnedest things.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Howdy strangers

Hey it's me. Sorry for the longer than anticipated break. I knew coming back to work after a vacation was going to be less than pleasant. So I was mentally ready to be in the Black Hole of Suck on Tuesday. However, I did not realize that I bought a two-day pass to the BHOS, and I am just now emerging from the suckiness.
Please pardon the smell but the suckubus is not easily removed.
So what's new?
Did you miss me?
I thought of you often. So I drank. And by the end of the night I didn't even know who I was.
Actually I had a wonderful time on my vacation - thanks for asking - and I am glad to be back home.
Still a little crestfallen because I don't get to see my family as often as I wish. So I drank some more.
OK enough about my liquid intake for the week and back to my post.
I spent 5 days with my 5-year-old nephew, and we had quite the time. I will share some of those adventures later.
But man oh man is it exhausting entertaining a little dude.
I have gone through 8 weeks of boot camp, spent 5 years living in North Dakota, watched an entire episode of Oprah, stayed awake 55 hours straight while I was on duty in the Navy, drove 36 hours to Mexico, went on a two-week drinking binge, had a threesome with Playboy Playmates (oh wait - that was a dream from high school), and I have run three half-marathons.
But none of that compares to keeping a 5-year-old content.
A tip of the hat to all of you parents out there. You do work.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • Here’s a tip from the dumb, white guy: If you plan on running a half-marathon you should probably not drink heavily the night before. Yep, that is what this jackass thought would be smart to do 12 hours before he ran 13.1 miles.
  • How does this rank as the worst birthday ever? Last week a guy had his 40th birthday and he really didn’t feel like waking up that morning. But he managed to pull himself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping his wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for him. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.” He thought … well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids … they will remember.
    The kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn’t say a word to their dad. So when he made it out of the house and started for work, he felt pretty crestfallen.
    As he walked into his office, his secretary said, “Good morning boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!” It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. He worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o’clock, when his secretary knocked on his door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your birthday, why don’t we go out for lunch, just you and me.” He said, “Thanks, that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”
    They went to lunch but not where they would normally go. Instead she took him to a quiet bistro with a private table. They had a couple of mixed drinks and he enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, his secretary said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day … we don’t have to go right back to the office, do we?” He replied with “I suppose not. What do you have in mind?” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”
    After arriving at her apartment, his secretary turned to him and said, “Boss if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.” “OK.” He nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake … followed by his wife, his kids, and dozens of his friends, and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday.”
    And he just sat there … on the couch … naked.
  • If you know any recent college graduates make sure you send them this picture
  • And remember

  • I am heading to Illinois to visit my family for a few days so I won’t be blogging until I get back next week. Don’t be said. Everything is going to be alright.
  • Have a wonderful Memorial Day weekend. And remember be kind, rewind.

Friday, May 16, 2008

It's Picture Time Again

Now this one is hard to make out but trust me on what it says. I followed this guy around trying to get a good picture of his truck. I was short on time because I had to get back to work and he kept avoiding me like he knew he was being stalked by someone looking for new material for their blog. Anyway here it is:


I know it is hard to make out but it says,
"Let's Play Corntoss/Cornhole"
??? Call Gary 208-608-8002

Well I certainly have some questions for Gary and he might be getting a call from me later tonight especially if I have a few adult beverages. Then again after a few adult beverages I might not need Gary's help if I want to play a game of cornhole.
Seriously, WTF dude? I am sure it is innocent but my perverted mind takes me to dirty places when I see someone wanting to play corntoss/cornhole with me.

Speaking of perverts. Check out these costumes. Well actually just check out the one that might be the best or worst costume ever depending on your sense of humor.

Have a great weekend.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Open your eyes

Sometimes you just see the world differently. Maybe it takes a lifetime or maybe just an hour. For me it took a week. I was driving around in Mrs. Shife’s disco sled listening to one of her CDs, a compilation disc featuring the 2007 Grammy nominees. One of the songs on there that piqued my interest was Death Cab for Cuties “I Will Follow You Into The Dark.” I have heard of Death Cab prior to this day but to say I am down with the hot new music is about as accurate as saying Paris Hilton is one of America’s brightest minds. I mean the song is over 2 years old and I am just now giving it a try. Yeah, I am definitely not down with the latest and greatest in music. Anyway, I pushed play and about 30 seconds later I was mumbling to myself those guys can suck a muffler. Well fast forward 7 days and the song came on again while I was cruising in Mrs. Shife’s hot rod and there was a seismic shift in my opinion of that song. I found it to be so beautiful, wonderful, poetic, and absolutely touching. I don’t know what it was but the song just moved me profoundly and it is one I really dig. I know I will have other eye-opening moments in my lifetime but this one just caught me off guard and I just wanted to share.

Friday, May 09, 2008

Keep the mud out

"I got mud butt son. I was scared if I farted I would crap on myself. I had 40 hot wings last night so I had to manpon it up son." Christopher "Big Black" Boykin.

Yes, my friends, today is the day you learn about the wonderful world of manpons.
If you could not ascertain what a manpon was from the quote then here is a definition for you:
Anything a guy uses, like toilet paper or a napkin folded together, to plug or cover their butt to absorb things like mud butt, anal leakage, and/or shart.

You know you have been there my fellow man. A little too much hooch or taco meat the night before. You are just minding your business the day after praying you don't do work in your pants. Suddenly you cough or sneeze and a little mud comes out. Not a pretty feeling.

Fast forward to about 1:10 left in the video and enjoy - Rob & Big Manpon scene
Keep the mud out – Manpon commercial

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Confession #1

Well the name of the blog is titled Confessions of a Dumb, White Guy so I don't want to be accused of false advertising.
So here it is.
Have you ever done this?
Get really wasted. Call your house at 3 in the morning and leave a voice mail for your dog.
Not just any voice mail.
Perhaps a voice mail where you sang him a song.
Maybe change the words around a little bit so his name is now in the song.
Now that you have that awesome image stuck in your head let your imagination carry you a little further.
Picture this drunken buffon - who would probably laugh for hours if he heard the words midget dildo - absolutely butcher a classic song by KISS:

Quincy, I hear you callin
But I can't come home right now
Me and the boys are playin
And we just cant find the sound
Just a few more hours
And Ill be right home to you
I think I hear them callin
Oh, Quincy what can I do
Quincy what can I do

You say you feel so empty
That our house just aint a home
And Im always somewhere else
And youre always there alone

Just a few more hours
And Ill be right home to you
I think I hear them callin
Oh, Quincy what can I do
Quincy what can I do

Quincy, I know youre lonely
And I hope youll be alright
cause me and the boys will be playin
All night

I can't sing.
I am pretty sure a violin being played by an inebriated Howler monkey while a Tasmanian Devil vomited on a squeaky see saw would sound better.
My singing from that night was so atrocious that I think there are children waking up in the middle of night crying.
Their parents don't know why. The kids don't know why.
But I do.

Thanks for listening.