Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Might as well

  • I might be inclined to watch this upcoming new show on NBC called “Journeyman” if it was about a guy who traveled back in time to try and save Journey from breaking up. Unfortunately, it is about something else. Don’t stop believin’.
  • I might have a man crush on David Beckham.
  • I might have huge arms in 8 weeks. At least that is what the Muscle & Fitness magazine I bought told me on the cover.
  • I might be watching gay porn, err, “300,” this week as it is now out on DVD.
  • I might be a giant.
  • I might be wearing Aqua-Man underoos and a trucker hat that says “I Brake For Clam Bakes.”
  • I might be taking a break from Diet Coke.
  • I might have read the fat basset’s personal journal. His latest entry said – What gets me hot: Country ham, farting into the heating system, and rubbing against Granny’s leg while she naps.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • I spent Thursday afternoon at one of the local parks because my department was having a teambuilding day. One of the activities we played was badminton. Someone suggested that we should play left-handed. I thought why not. I attempted to hit the badminton left-handed. I missed. But my follow-through connected squarely with my cash and prizes. I hit myself in the balls with a badminton racquet. Oh what a feeling.
  • Man I want to be an astronaut. Not only do you get to wear diapers, but evidently you can also get hammered while you are flying around in space. The story is right here. Talk about the right stuff. Your new space shuttle name is Buzz. Why Buzz? Why not!
  • I now pronounce you stupid. I saw the latest Adam Sandler movie “Chuck and Larry” last weekend. It was pretty unsatisfactory. It had a few laugh out loud moments but for the most part it sucked. So that is strike two on the movies I was looking forward to watching. First I was disappointed by “Knocked Up,” and now this one. “SuperBad” is my last hope.
  • I got the good news this week that I get to get my wisdom teeth pulled in August. I know you are all incredibly jealous. Please don’t envy me.
  • Not much else to say except have a good weekend and enjoy the cartoons.

Monday, July 23, 2007

New tagline???

I have an idea. It is offensive but I think it is funny. And in this case funny is greater than offensive. Have you heard of reparative or conversion therapy? Basically it is a method of trying to convert someone back to the heterosexual side. I think it is a load of crap, and don't buy it for one minute. But my twisted mind thought of a great tagline for a conversion therapy camp for men:
Think outside the bun.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Random Acts of Shifeness

Holy tiny little balls of semi-solid waste material from the digestive tract via the anus. Two posts in one week from me. I am trying but I have been busy. Have a great weekend.

  • It has taken me nearly 30 years but it finally dawned on me yesterday. What did the movie Star Wars really teach me? Was it good versus evil or the long-term effect of slavery - be it literal or figurative or how to use the force? Nope, none of the above. It is simply make sure you know your family tree before kissing a girl on the mouth.
  • I recently cleaned out some clothes from my closet. I used to think that I had pretty good taste in my apparel choices but some of the stuff that will be featured at a Goodwill store near you makes me wonder if I was high when I bought some of these items. Seriously a lot of these shirts I got rid of were straight out of the “I’m Not Having Sex Catalog.”
  • Speaking of bad clothing choices, I think I have a great idea for a store. You know those Build a Bear stores they have at every mall. Well how about Design some Chaps store. I could cater to the gay clientèle or just whoever would like a pair of assless chaps (are there any other kind of chaps?). These people can come in and design a pair of chaps however they want it. Just like the little ones do with the bears. It is solid gold I tell you.
  • I know people are innocent until proven guilty, but it does not look good for you Michael Vick. The whole dog fighting scene, which he admits to being a part of, is cruel and unnecessary. I really think Vick should have to strap on some pork chop underwear and then we can see how fast and elusive he really is when the dogs are chasing him.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Suck it ESPN

When did SportsCenter become pussified?
My apologies ladies if I offend thee, but ESPN's signature show has definitely lost its man luggage. They are running this segment called Who's Now, which is a daily series in which fans and ESPN.com users help SportsCenter determine the ultimate sports star by considering both on-field success and off-field buzz to decide who is now.

Is ESPN latin for gay? I think next month SportsCenter will decide which male athlete's ass they would like to use for hand warmers. Maybe the SportsCenter hosts can start dressing like their favorite Spartan from the movie "300." I fully expect them to give each other Roman helmets.

And it gets worse. Frickin' ESPN personality Stuart Scott hosts a discussion with some talking hair-dos to get their take on Who's Now. Have you looked directly at Stuart Scott? Don't. The man has a crazy eye and it will steal your soul. Quit eyeballing me dog.

Come on Worldwide Leader in Sports get back to your roots. How about you show me highlights and then some more highlights? And then when you are done with that you can show me some more highlights.

Who's Now? I don't know. But if someone gave Stuart Scott a Roman helmet they would get my vote; however watch out for that eye.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Bald and Beautiful

I saw a bald dude wearing a Make a Wish foundation shirt at the gym the other day, and the sadistic side of me just started howling on the inside. The guy is probably an awesome person who helps grant little kids really great wishes, but all I could think about is how this guy's wish would be to have a full head of hair. It falls under the same twisted sense of humor like like the fat guy wearing a t-shirt that says "I Beat Anorexia."

Friday, July 06, 2007

Every dog has its day

Especially when they are a freak of frickin' nature.
I still don't know who let the dogs out, but if they look like this beast I am staying inside especially during the dog days of summer.
Holy raw hides Batman. I feel sorry for the cats in this dog's neighborhood.
You can't teach an old dog new tricks but evidently you can teach them how to get huge arms in 8 weeks.
OK enough of this silliness.
Do you really want to see this so-called animal?
Can you handle the truth?
This will blow your mind so be prepared because there is no turning back once you click on this link. No not that one -- this one.

The fat basset will definitely not have any play dates with Wendy.