Thursday, September 30, 2010

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • I named my iPod the Titantic so when I plug it in to download new podcasts and stuff it says "Syncing The Titanic." It is the little things like this that make me happy.
  • Obedience lessons start for Tank tomorrow. Should be interesting. I am pretty sure I will be getting most of the training since he is a good dog but we just need to work with him a little bit. My favorite new nickname that I gave him is Dr. Tankensteen. If you have seen "Young Frankenstein" then you get it.
  • 9 out 0f 10 shark attacks occur in the water. The other 10 percent occur on the decks of fishing boats, when people plummet from their beds after having a "Shark Week" nightmare, or when a stuffed and mounted shark falls on someone at a museum. Thanks Nerdist podcast.
  • Today was the first day of teaching Baby Shife how to brush his teeth. Not very successful, but I did learn that baby toothpaste does provide excellent holding power as a hair gel.
  • Fustercluck. I like that word.
  • Spending an hour watching "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" and "The League" on Thursday nights makes my face hurt. I laugh so much watching these two shows.
  • Unfortunately another show I liked already got cancelled after only two episodes, "Lone Star." It feels a little like finding out your date is a tranny.
Have a good weekend.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

The Tank Files

Well sad to say but Big Mike never responded to my questions so I guess I can't ship him off my life savings, but another request came my way and I thought I would share. Utah Friends of Basset Hound Rescue - the place where we got Tank - asked me to write about our new furry friend for their newsletter so here it is:

We opened our home to Tank on July 3rd, 2010, and it took about 60 seconds before we opened up our hearts to him. We had recently just had to put down our basset hound companion of nearly 11 years, and we had flirted with the idea of getting another dog but we really did not feel we were ready for a basset when we visited the Utah Friends of Basset Hound Rescue. However, sometimes it just seems that a dog is looking for you, and there is not much you can do about it. This is what happened to my family. Tank, as he was already named, stood out when we visited a basset foster home that had 10 other darling hounds running around vying for our attention. However, he was not standing out for the right reasons as far as I was concerned. He was too young, too active, and probably would be way too much to handle since my wife and I had a 16-month-old son at home who was already keeping us plenty busy. A 19-month-old basset hound living with a small infant looked like bad math. To me it just seemed like it would add up to a daily disaster with two little guys always on the go and making our lives even more chaotic. But even with all of these concerns and red flags, my wife and I kept finding ourselves being lured in by the Tankster. So we had a brief debate just to make sure we weren’t being completely insane about wanting to pick Tank. We agreed we weren’t crazy so then we took Tank outside by himself to see how he would behave around us when he was away from the pack. And like I mentioned earlier it just took about a minute later before it was the beginning of a beautiful relationship. Just watching him run around as a happy little hound and seeing my son just absolutely adore him sealed the deal. Bringing Tank into our lives was a great decision for our family and he has been an absolute joy since day one. I look forward to watching Tank and my son growing up together and being the best of friends. My deepest gratitude to the Utah Friends of Basset Hound Rescue for introducing us to such a wonderful basset hound, and a another big thank you for all the work you do to take care of all the fantastic hound dogs like Tank until they can find their forever homes.

Here is Tank online looking for some Basset love. I think her name is Foxy Roxy.

Thursday, September 09, 2010

Spam is Delicious

I was bored the other day so I decided to write back one of the spam e-mails I received from my good friend Abu Mike. Unfortunately he has not written me back yet but I have my fingers crossed that he is going to come through and give me the answers to my very - if I must say so myself - awesome questions.

Dear Sir,
I saw your address online and i decided to contact you with this regards. Below is the contacts of my family, We are from ancient kingdom of Ashanti Region Kumasi,Ghana,our family Chief name is Chief Nana Num Ofori 111,

We are highly interested to deal in a long terms business with you, if only you can understand our primary problems. we are facing a lots of problems in our mining concessions, because we lack modern mining equipments and machines,we are using man power to mine,i mean we uses local method to mine such has been resulting loosing the life of the workers in the site for lack of machines.

For now we are in the position of 200 kg of alluvial gold dust 22+ carats with 92% purity and our local price is $28,500usd per a kilo,upon hearing from you then i will disclose to you exactly the type of equipments machines we need for the projects.

Mr Abu Mike
for the family,

Dear Abu Mike,
Do you mind if I call you Big Mike? Evidently I drank too much last night and thought it would be a good idea to ask you a few questions. I've already interviewed several important people in my lifetime so I know what I am doing so your answers are very crucial to my willingness to participate in your very generous offer.
I'd very much like to hear your answers Big Mike, and please be real. I have a Master's degree in Fecal Analysis so I am skilled like a frickin' ninja.
Below are the questions, and please e-mail the answers back to me.
Time is of the essence. There is a Rae-Dawn Chong movie festival this weekend and I can't miss it so don't mess around.
Thank you, in advance, for your help, Big Mike, and fist pump!!!

1) Do you think sexual harassment at work is a problem for the self-employed?
2) What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
3) Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are both the same number of letters?
4) Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?
5) I got my clothes to smell like cat litter even though I don't own cats. Is that an achievement?
6) Has anyone told you that you are Hoffilicious?
7) About how much do you earn per month from your wonderfully written - honestly it is like reading Shakespeare - email inquiries?
8) Were you disappointed with the ending of "Lost'?
9) What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Come on. OK I will give you this one, Polaroids.
10) Is it possible to Free Tibet with the purchase of a Tibet of equal or lesser value?
11) Agree or disagree with Kay Jewelers? I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night that more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
12) A friend told me she knows she's getting old because she's wet in places where she used to be dry, & dry where she used to be wet. Do you find that amusing or depressing?
13) Is it bitter irony if you hurt yourself while doing The Safety Dance?
14) Do you know the man from Nantucket?
15) When answering a Craigslist ad, do you think it is important to clarify the meaning of "XXX fun" up front? You could end up playing Nintendo with a large woman
16) Did you know the phrase "Tricky Dick" refers to both former President Richard Nixon and penis puppeteer Rich Handey so be specific in your usage.
17) Do you think when Nomar Garciaparra is around his buddies and talks about meeting his wife he tells them that he pulled a Hammy.
18) Do you know petting an animal can lower your heart rate? However that animal should not be a wolverine.
19) Are there any online communities, forums or message boards where you like to discuss your hobby of being a doucher?
20) What part of your body smells the worst?
21) Do you cry yourself to sleep and use the tears as lubricant to masturbate?
22) Are most of your friends and family members aware that you have a Dora the Explorer tattoo?
23) Did you know religion & birth control are more compatible than you may think? Every time a condom breaks, someone learns to pray.
24) Is it inappropriate to leave the door open when you use the bathroom on planes?
25) Will you rename your iPod the Titanic so when you plug it in it says the Titanic is syncing.?
26) If your mother asks if you are sexually active, the correct response is what? OK I will give you another one … "No, I just lie there."
27) Is reading in the bathroom considered multitasking?
28) Do you ever feel weird when you give yourself a prostate exam?
29) Do you feel gay when you say "Sometimes when we touch, the honesty is too much” when you are dancing with a life-sized Clifford the Red Dog ?
30) Besides pooping, what other things do bears do in the woods?
31) Did you know the guy who wrote the Folgers jingle never got woken up with a BJ?
32) Huey, Lewey, or Dewey? Which one would you date and why?
33) Do you know that is always crucial to check yourself before you wreck yourself?
34) Do you think this is a good marketing slogan? Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
35) It is funny how guys always say they would give their left nut to do something awesome. Why is the right nut so much cooler than the left nut?
36) Did you know every fight is a food fight if you are a cannibal?
37) Don't you wish one day the weather forecast was partly sunny with a chance of ninjas?
38) If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
39) Are you familiar with a Cleveland Steamer?

Thank you, in advance, for taking the time to answer my questions. :)

Have a great weekend everyone and here is a picture of my favorite little dude:

Wednesday, September 01, 2010

Happy Labor Day Weekend

Me and the family are hitting the road so I just wanted to wish everyone a great weekend and I hope you have a wonderful time doing whatever you are doing. Sorry I didn't have time to stop by your blogs this week but I will be there next week, and please, please remember