More Random Acts of Shifeness

• Caffeine update: I decided the grass is definitely not greener and will be riding the C-Train for a long time.
• It is cool that I am going to try and eat healthier but I need to have a few vices and caffeine and beer are not going anywhere anytime soon. I need my Mountain Dew and Miller High Life to reward myself for being a pretty good guy.
• Kyle's new phrase that pays is "I dump it" and he literally dumps it. He decided to take a can of juice and dump it all over the carpet during dinner this week. He never said it before and I guess we were not expecting to turn the can upside down. So after Mrs. Shife and I quit laughing, we decided it might be a good idea to be parents and inform Kyle that is not a good idea to dump it.
• Speaking of the little man, our goal - fingers and basset ears crossed - is to have him potty trained by the time the latest and greatest Shife arrives in November. We are bribing him with chocolate, and I am sure there is a book or two out there that recommends not doing this, but we are going to go down this path and we hope it turns out OK.
• I don't know where you stand on gay marriage but I don't have a problem with it. I don't like it when gay marriage opponents use the Bible as one of their main reasons as why they are against same-sex marriage. The Bible has a lot of stuff in it that is extremely outdated and this letter sums it up best. I hope you have some time to read this sarcastic awesomeness.
• Finally I will be off the grid next week so no blog update but I will talk to you in 2 weeks and I will have a nice surprise to share with you. Have a wonderful rest of your week and enjoy your Labor Day weekend. Stay awesome my friends.

Here he is doing what he does best and that is smiling and laughing. I am going to do my best to make sure he keeps that positive attitude for as long as possible.

Random Acts of Shifeness

• It appears that Tank comes from a long line of meat charmers. Today he was able to use his skills to coerce a piece of steak off the counter, on to the floor, and then into his belly. He evidently planted some mental ninjas into Kyle's head which led to the little man slipping out of his chair and sending the meat on its merry way. It was quite impressive and looks like the force is strong with him.
• I got a deep tissue massage this week which almost had me in tears. I was unaware that I needed a safe word when I was getting worked over. Holy guacamole I think the masseuse either did not like me or hated men in general.
• Spent the last few days building Kyle a fort/castle out of all the odd, warped, and mismatched lumber I have accumulated over the years. It definitely will not be featured in Architecture Weekly. I am calling it Fort Ballpark because the cuts, designs, measurements, etc. are all in the ballpark of being somewhat straight and accurate.
• I started juicing this week. After watching the movie "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead", I was quite motivated to make some dietary changes and bought a juicer to get my fruits and veggies in a liquid form.
• I also incorporated Naicin into my diet because it is suppose to be a more natural way to deal with anxiety and depression.
• Saw the movie "30 Minutes or Less" and it is quite funny. Not exactly a chick flick but if you have twisted sense of humor then you might enjoy it.
• Gave up caffeine for a few days this week. I am still on the fence if I can completely give it up but it is nice to know that it is an option.

Well that is all folks. Have a good weekend and talk to you next week.

Don't Worry Be Happy

This is a list you may have seen before - perhaps even on this blog - but I thought it was worth sharing again because I am watching my lovely wife cope with being 7-months-pregnant during the hottest part of the year so it just reminds me that us dudes have it pretty good. Sure there are few things that blow like getting kicked in the junk or not getting off the Titantic first but for the most part men are just happier people because:

1. What do you expect from such simple creatures?
2. Your last name stays put.
3. The garage is all yours.
4. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
5. Chocolate is just another snack.
6. You can be President.
7. You can never be pregnant.
8. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
9. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
10. The world is your urinal.
11. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
12. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
13. Same work, more pay.
14. Wrinkles add character.
15. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
16. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
17. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
18. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
19. One mood all the time.
20. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
21. You know stuff about tanks.
22. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
23. You can open all your own jars.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
26. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
27. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
28. You almost never have strap problems in public.
29. You are unableto see wrinkles in your clothes.
30. Everything on your face stays its original color.
31. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
32. You only have to shave your face and neck.
33. You can play with toys all your life.
34. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
35. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
36. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
37. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
38. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache..
39. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

And speaking of dudes, here is picture of my favorite little man taking one of his first leaps into a pool.

V is for Visitors

Just wanted to personally thank all the people who stopped by the Shifley household this week.

• Injury Bug - Tweaked my knee playing soccer and it swelled up quite nicely. It looked like a yak's testicle but structurally still sound so hopefully it will be OK after some rest.
• Diarrhea Bear - Kyle blew out his diapers twice this week during the middle of the night, and it was so bad that it leaked onto the floor. So when he woke up upset in the middle of the night because he crapped his pants Mrs. Shife's foot found a nice surprise two nights in a row.
• Mud Butt Fairy - The mighty Tankster got into some human food - which he hardly ever gets - and it created a little havoc with his elimination process. He pooped but a little of it remained on his fur so we were not happy with the smell and Tank was not happy that I had to wipe his butt.
• A/C Repairman - We hit triple digits this past weekend, and our conditioned air machine decided to break down. It was hot and the 7-month pregnant wife was really not happy that the house was hotter than 2 rats having sexual relations in a wool sock.
• Dishwasher Technician - We decided our dishwasher finally had to be replaced after it leaked about a gallon of water on the kitchen floor. Always fun to walk into a room and see a giant puddle on the floor.
• Headache Central - Besides being very pregnant, stepping in poo, going without A/C for more than a day, Mrs. Shife got a little sick this week and the bug brought with it some major headache pains. There is not much she can take for it because she is with child so not a good week for my lovely wife.
• Trip Dick - And with all of that stuff going on we decided to cancel a trip to visit with the family at the lake.

Hope all is well with you and yours.

And here is a picture of the little man taking his first train ride.