Thursday, May 29, 2008

Howdy strangers

Hey it's me. Sorry for the longer than anticipated break. I knew coming back to work after a vacation was going to be less than pleasant. So I was mentally ready to be in the Black Hole of Suck on Tuesday. However, I did not realize that I bought a two-day pass to the BHOS, and I am just now emerging from the suckiness.
Please pardon the smell but the suckubus is not easily removed.
So what's new?
Did you miss me?
I thought of you often. So I drank. And by the end of the night I didn't even know who I was.
Actually I had a wonderful time on my vacation - thanks for asking - and I am glad to be back home.
Still a little crestfallen because I don't get to see my family as often as I wish. So I drank some more.
OK enough about my liquid intake for the week and back to my post.
I spent 5 days with my 5-year-old nephew, and we had quite the time. I will share some of those adventures later.
But man oh man is it exhausting entertaining a little dude.
I have gone through 8 weeks of boot camp, spent 5 years living in North Dakota, watched an entire episode of Oprah, stayed awake 55 hours straight while I was on duty in the Navy, drove 36 hours to Mexico, went on a two-week drinking binge, had a threesome with Playboy Playmates (oh wait - that was a dream from high school), and I have run three half-marathons.
But none of that compares to keeping a 5-year-old content.
A tip of the hat to all of you parents out there. You do work.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • Here’s a tip from the dumb, white guy: If you plan on running a half-marathon you should probably not drink heavily the night before. Yep, that is what this jackass thought would be smart to do 12 hours before he ran 13.1 miles.
  • How does this rank as the worst birthday ever? Last week a guy had his 40th birthday and he really didn’t feel like waking up that morning. But he managed to pull himself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping his wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for him. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.” He thought … well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids … they will remember.
    The kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn’t say a word to their dad. So when he made it out of the house and started for work, he felt pretty crestfallen.
    As he walked into his office, his secretary said, “Good morning boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!” It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. He worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o’clock, when his secretary knocked on his door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your birthday, why don’t we go out for lunch, just you and me.” He said, “Thanks, that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”
    They went to lunch but not where they would normally go. Instead she took him to a quiet bistro with a private table. They had a couple of mixed drinks and he enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, his secretary said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day … we don’t have to go right back to the office, do we?” He replied with “I suppose not. What do you have in mind?” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”
    After arriving at her apartment, his secretary turned to him and said, “Boss if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.” “OK.” He nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake … followed by his wife, his kids, and dozens of his friends, and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday.”
    And he just sat there … on the couch … naked.
  • If you know any recent college graduates make sure you send them this picture
  • And remember

  • I am heading to Illinois to visit my family for a few days so I won’t be blogging until I get back next week. Don’t be said. Everything is going to be alright.
  • Have a wonderful Memorial Day weekend. And remember be kind, rewind.

Friday, May 16, 2008

It's Picture Time Again

Now this one is hard to make out but trust me on what it says. I followed this guy around trying to get a good picture of his truck. I was short on time because I had to get back to work and he kept avoiding me like he knew he was being stalked by someone looking for new material for their blog. Anyway here it is:


I know it is hard to make out but it says,
"Let's Play Corntoss/Cornhole"
??? Call Gary 208-608-8002

Well I certainly have some questions for Gary and he might be getting a call from me later tonight especially if I have a few adult beverages. Then again after a few adult beverages I might not need Gary's help if I want to play a game of cornhole.
Seriously, WTF dude? I am sure it is innocent but my perverted mind takes me to dirty places when I see someone wanting to play corntoss/cornhole with me.

Speaking of perverts. Check out these costumes. Well actually just check out the one that might be the best or worst costume ever depending on your sense of humor.

Have a great weekend.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Open your eyes

Sometimes you just see the world differently. Maybe it takes a lifetime or maybe just an hour. For me it took a week. I was driving around in Mrs. Shife’s disco sled listening to one of her CDs, a compilation disc featuring the 2007 Grammy nominees. One of the songs on there that piqued my interest was Death Cab for Cuties “I Will Follow You Into The Dark.” I have heard of Death Cab prior to this day but to say I am down with the hot new music is about as accurate as saying Paris Hilton is one of America’s brightest minds. I mean the song is over 2 years old and I am just now giving it a try. Yeah, I am definitely not down with the latest and greatest in music. Anyway, I pushed play and about 30 seconds later I was mumbling to myself those guys can suck a muffler. Well fast forward 7 days and the song came on again while I was cruising in Mrs. Shife’s hot rod and there was a seismic shift in my opinion of that song. I found it to be so beautiful, wonderful, poetic, and absolutely touching. I don’t know what it was but the song just moved me profoundly and it is one I really dig. I know I will have other eye-opening moments in my lifetime but this one just caught me off guard and I just wanted to share.

Friday, May 09, 2008

Keep the mud out

"I got mud butt son. I was scared if I farted I would crap on myself. I had 40 hot wings last night so I had to manpon it up son." Christopher "Big Black" Boykin.

Yes, my friends, today is the day you learn about the wonderful world of manpons.
If you could not ascertain what a manpon was from the quote then here is a definition for you:
Anything a guy uses, like toilet paper or a napkin folded together, to plug or cover their butt to absorb things like mud butt, anal leakage, and/or shart.

You know you have been there my fellow man. A little too much hooch or taco meat the night before. You are just minding your business the day after praying you don't do work in your pants. Suddenly you cough or sneeze and a little mud comes out. Not a pretty feeling.

Fast forward to about 1:10 left in the video and enjoy - Rob & Big Manpon scene
Keep the mud out – Manpon commercial

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Confession #1

Well the name of the blog is titled Confessions of a Dumb, White Guy so I don't want to be accused of false advertising.
So here it is.
Have you ever done this?
Get really wasted. Call your house at 3 in the morning and leave a voice mail for your dog.
Not just any voice mail.
Perhaps a voice mail where you sang him a song.
Maybe change the words around a little bit so his name is now in the song.
Now that you have that awesome image stuck in your head let your imagination carry you a little further.
Picture this drunken buffon - who would probably laugh for hours if he heard the words midget dildo - absolutely butcher a classic song by KISS:

Quincy, I hear you callin
But I can't come home right now
Me and the boys are playin
And we just cant find the sound
Just a few more hours
And Ill be right home to you
I think I hear them callin
Oh, Quincy what can I do
Quincy what can I do

You say you feel so empty
That our house just aint a home
And Im always somewhere else
And youre always there alone

Just a few more hours
And Ill be right home to you
I think I hear them callin
Oh, Quincy what can I do
Quincy what can I do

Quincy, I know youre lonely
And I hope youll be alright
cause me and the boys will be playin
All night

I can't sing.
I am pretty sure a violin being played by an inebriated Howler monkey while a Tasmanian Devil vomited on a squeaky see saw would sound better.
My singing from that night was so atrocious that I think there are children waking up in the middle of night crying.
Their parents don't know why. The kids don't know why.
But I do.

Thanks for listening.