Monday, October 29, 2007

Wipe it real good

If you are like me then you know quite a few people who have their head up their ass. It is quite unfortunate because these people probably can not properly wipe their ass since their cranium is causing an impediment. So in my goal to better mankind, I give you these tips to pass along to all those who need to free themselves from skid marks, poop stains, dingle berries, klingons, and all manner of unpleasant nastiness:

1. Choose your wiping medium. What to wipe with? Most of us are blessed with bountiful supplies of rich, downy-soft, cotton rolls which hang conveniently by the commode. If you are not among these lucky few, do not despair for there is plenty of stuff to wipe your ass with including paper towels, the newspaper, the phone book, the mail, towels, friendly neighborhood cat, shower curtain, or the wall.

2. Find your ass. For some, ass finding comes naturally. Others require both hands, a mirror and a flashlight. Still others must rely on a loved one to locate their ass until they get the hang of it. And even more have trouble distinguishing their ass from a hole in the ground.

3. Wipe, wipe, wipe your ass, always front to back. Carefully carefully, now you've got the knack. This little song (sung to the tune of Row Row Row Your Boat) will guide you through the final ass-wiping process. To break down ass wiping into it's most basic mathematical expression we could write:

YAP_x_ log_2_8^x^ &TP;=&TP; ( p00p)8^x^ (p00p)(8^x^)&TP;=&TP; 3 ew2 ew2&TP;=&TP; 3

Where YAP = your ass plane, TP = toilet paper, and ew = gross factor X

4. The finish. Once your ass is clean you may be tempted to show it off to your neighbors, friends, and coworkers. This urge is completely natural but you must resist. Keep your clean ass to yourself.

5. Wash your hands. Or don’t and just give someone a stink palm.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Save the Redheads

Hello everyone. I would like to talk to you about a very important subject – redheads. I guess they might go extinct, and it is our job to save them. I am doing my part by sending the below letter to my male redheaded friends. I encourage you to do the same.

Dear Redheaded Friend,

I find it hard asking someone to make love. I guess we all do.

But when Save the Redheads, one of the most respected redheaded agencies (OK it is the only one), asked me to volunteer to raise erections to help the redheads of the world, I knew I had to do it. Wouldn’t you?

The brutal truth is that thousands of redheads around the world die each day when people like you selfishly use contraception. Sure gonorrhea sucks, but isn’t it more important to try and make a redhead.

We are not saying you have to provide child support or be in their lives. Does the phrase redheaded stepchild ring a bell? Just get out there and make some sweet sassy molassey.

The proven solutions that are widely-known to get a female to drop her pants include large amounts of alcohol, diamonds, or a bulky checking account. Plus you are famous now. This is bigger than save the whales. Use it to your advantage.

Save the Redheads also provides programs to enable redheads to get their game on and help them start crushing you know what. Your underpants navy can make so many young lives. Please get busy humping or get busy dying.

The ‘Make a Difference’ campaign is a special project where people like me let you know that is not OK to have protected sex. Will you give your sperm today? An urgently needed gift of 3, 4 or even 5 redheaded children would be a tremendous help and your support will help Save the Redheads. On behalf of the redheads, Thank You!

Monday, October 22, 2007

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • I know most of you must be reeling from the big Harry Potter news. Dumbledore is gay. Holy Muggles. I was just as surprised as the rest of you. I thought everyone in Harry Potter was gay too.
  • The following blog post was supposed to contain scenes of brief nudity. But Quincy is not good with a camera. Did you know dogs don't have thumbs?
  • Have you heard of a bucket list? You basically make a list of things to do if you know when you are going to kick the bucket. I could make a list as big as the fat basset's appetite but if I honestly knew when I was going to die there are three things I would definitely do.
    1) have a living wake with all my family and friends, 2) perform at an open mic night at a comedy club, and 3) watch the sunset with Mrs. Shife where we spent our honeymoon in Mexico.
  • So would you want to know when you are going to die?
  • I am huge in Canada.
  • And Mexico.
  • And Japan.
  • Finally, after years of searching I have found my house of worship.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Kodak Moment

A picture is a worth a thousand words, but today is your lucky day and I only need about 15 or 20. I found these photos and they are quite amusing, but they would be even funnier with a clever caption from you beloved reader.

A) It's Hairy Potter

B) You should see his sister's shirt

Have a great weekend.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

I have mailed it in

The last post I did was pretty lame, and I apologize. Please send all your hate mail to Cher, and if you are forbidden by law to send mail outside of the U.S. then send it to Phats. Speaking of Phats, he is answering questions on his blog, and I asked him one of those stupid "two trains" questions. Then I thought to myself, why not ask everyone. Plus I am hoping a SAT question writer is a reader of my blog and they will want to use my question in the 2008 SATs. You gotta have goals people. I have been telling you that for years. OK. Maybe this is the first time I told you. Anyway enjoy the question.

Two trains leave for Osh Kosh, Wisconsin (and B'Gosh I really have no idea if trains really do go to Osh Kosh) at the same time. Train A is departing from St. Louis and traveling 40 mph (talk about a slow train - quit playing with your overalls Conductor Bob and put the pedal down). Train B is departing from Denver and traveling 65 mph. The question - would you rather:
A) Be beaten unconscious with the prosthetic genitalia of midgets
B) Let an army of spiders hatch their eggs inside your middle ear drum
C) Be suffocated w/ waffles that have been heated up under Fatty McGee's armpit
D) Get a wiener mustache from Dr. Phil
E) Wish I had never seen this question

Monday, October 15, 2007

I Challenge You

Bored? Here are a few activities that you might find challenging.

Milk Gallon Challenge: A person attempts to drink a gallon of milk within one hour without vomiting.

Wonderbread Challenge: Eat two slices of bread in two minutes. No drinks, no butter ... just plain ol' untoasted bread.

The Saltine Challenge: Ingest six Saltine crackers in 60 seconds (Note: All challenges must occur without the help of water or any other digestive lubricants)

The Cinnamon Challenge: Ingest one teaspoon of cinnamon in 60 seconds (Note: cinnamon sugar is not acceptable)

The Saltine Challenge No. 2: Ingest four saltines in 60 seconds AND then whistle.

The Twinkies Challenge: Ingest three twinkies in 60 seconds.

The Wendy’s Challenge: Put the entire contents of a Wendy’s kids meal into a blender (small hamburger, fries and Sprite), and ingest it in five minutes.

The Star Jones Challenge: Try to listen to her for 60 minutes without wanting to drive a railroad spike through her face.

Anybody else got some challenges?

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Brain Dump

  • I got a new fake ID – check it out

  • I am not telling you what to do but you should be watching “30 Rock.”
  • It is on tonight (Thursday).
  • On NBC.
  • Check your local listings.
  • What if Vince Vaughn became my neighbor?
  • Do you ever think about how you might die? Me either.
  • I have mentioned it before but I think it is time to mention it again. Spike TV programming dude you need to call me. I have a great idea for a TV show - Lap Dancing with the Stars.
  • Awesome shirt
  • If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did." – Jack Handey
  • Sitting at my computer today, I realized that only drug dealers and software developers call their clients "users."
  • How can there be self-help “groups”?
  • If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?
  • How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Have a great weekend.

Monday, October 08, 2007

Get your drink on

OK folks I am going to another football game this weekend, and I am praying to the football gods that we win because I don’t think my liver can handle another loss. But win or lose, I will still booze.
As I am getting older, I can no longer party like a rock star and I have been developing some symptoms that have been problematic. Fortunately, I found a guide to some of my problems. And being the caring, giving man that I am I thought I would share with you in case you are experiencing any of these complications.

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.
ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up; lash self to bar.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing.
ACTION: Panic.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

I have the fever

Since this blog is called Confessions of a Dumb, White Guy, I better acknowledge to you my wonderful blogging friends that I am indeed an all-American dork. I am pretty reserved and quiet and for me to draw attention to myself is fairly unusual. Unless of course I have been drinking then I am a swirling vortex of socialness. You get the picture – shy when I am sober and social dynamo under the influence.

Anyway, there is the rare occasion when I throw caution to the wind and go commando. And when I say go commando I mean I let go of my inhibitions and not my underwear. Just wanted to clear that up. Well it happened this week.

If you have seen the Will Ferrell cowbell skit then you will understand my story. If you have not seen the skit, do a Google search for Will Ferrell cowbell and then read the rest of my story.

Here is the story – I got a flu shot this week at work, and you have to fill out a form before you get the shot. The form is pretty standard, but I left one question blank because I am sick right now. The question: Do you have an illness or a fever? I told the nurse I did not have an illness but I was sick. She then asked if I had a fever, and I replied no. Some of you already can see where this is going I am sure, but wait for it. She then asked if I was on any medication, and I told her I was on a decongestant. She then asked me again if I had a fever, and I said no again. But now in my head I am seeing the Will Ferrell cowbell skit, and I tell myself if I get asked one more time about a fever I might have to be a smart ass. While I am plotting, the nurse calls over another nurse and they discuss my situation. Then the nurse that got called over went ahead and did it, “Do you have a fever?” And I said it, “I need more cowbell!” The nurses looked at me like I had an axe in my hand, but one of my co-workers that was standing by me knew exactly what I was talking about and started howling.

Ahhhh, it was a beautiful moment. This is what Phats must have felt like at his first Purdue football game or what Cher felt like when she first met me online.

Have a good weekend.

Monday, October 01, 2007

Must See TV

I apologize but my creativity is lacking as I am still getting my ass handed to me by this cold of mine. Good times.
Well the new TV season kicked off last week, and not much caught my eye. I did enjoy Chuck on NBC. It comes on right before Heroes and it was an entertaining show. Speaking of Heroes, the premiere was not too shabby. I am also looking forward to Pushing Daisies on ABC. I was a little disappointed with the original CSI's premiere because I wanted a certain character to take a dirt nap. Mrs. Shife and I said good-bye to Grey's Anatomy - just got tired of that show. Still watching The Office and 30 Rock. I saw parts of Journeyman and it wasn't that bad, but I don't know if I will commit. I heard Life was good as well.
So what is on your must-see TV list?