Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Say hello to the peter heater

I found the perfect stocking stuffer for the man in your life.

You can thank me later.

I would like to introduce you to the man mitt.
What is a man mitt, Mr. Shife?
Well here is the online description I found with my thoughts included at no extra cost to you.

This Man Mitt is called “Jingle all the Way!” (Evidently the Holiday Ball Shawl was already trademarked.) This is a hand-knitted (That is going

to look impressive on the resume) seamless male undergarment accessory created for comfort and warmth (Nothing says Happy Holidays like sweaty balls). The crocheted tie makes this piece adjustable (So you can hang yourself later if you are caught in them) for a comfortable fit. This Man Mitt is made with very soft chunky yarn (I love me some chunky yarn on my privates) for comfort and easy care. (I can’t wait to put this on the clothesline). It features two tiny bells (So when you wear them when you travel you can get a full cavity search at the airport) attached to the tie. Ring-a-ding-a-ding! (Oh I just threw up a little bit in my mouth) Jingle all the way! (Does yarn cause shrinkage?)

Whether it's for function or fun (It will make a great gag gift. You drop your pants. Significant other throws up.) This is definitely a unique (If you are mispronouncing retarded when you say unique then you are correct) gift giving idea for him. It's warm and cozy and quite the conversation piece. (Just think about all of the conversations you have had at the Christmas party about your fancy new underwear. The number must be mind-boggling.)

And of course if you're looking for something different for her it also makes a handy dandy little coin purse with side cell phone pocket. (Hey hon, are your underwear clean? I need to borrow them because my other coin purse with a side cell phone pocket is being worn by my dad.)

Sunday, November 18, 2007

No Pain, No Gain

Pain scales are tools that can help health care providers diagnose or measure a person’s pain intensity. The scale is usually 1-10 with 1 being a little pain and 10 being the worst pain that you ever felt in your life. How boring is that? In my further attempts to make this world a better place I proudly present the Dumb, White Guy’s Pain Scale. For the Dumb, White Girl’s Pain Scale, please visit my second-favorite Canadian, Cher.
1. Your Inner Monologue tells you redneck jokes all day long. (You might be a redneck if you think TACO BELL is the Mexican Phone Company.)
2. You wake up at 3 in the morning, puke your guts out, and have chunks of fis
h tacos stuck in your nasal cavity. (This may or may not happened to me this weekend.)
3. You get Home of the Whopper tattooed on your forehead.

4. You walk in on your parents filming your grandparents having sex.

5. You have to rub lotion on Bob’s boobs. Who is Bob? Bob is the character played by Meatloaf in “Fight Club.”

6. Your amateur sex video of you dressed as Rush Limbaugh and dry humping the family ottoman is released on the Internet by your ex-girlfriend.
7. You get your Home of the Whopper tattoo on your forehead removed by Freddy Krueger.
8. Your ankles get the Annie Wilkes makeover.9. You get a guyzillian.
10. Paris Hilton explains “
Sex and Pregnancy: A Possible Connection" through Instant Messenger.

So this zit I have on the inside of my nose would be about a 6.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Picking a winner

My blogging buddy and all-around cool dude Phats asked me to participate in his football pick 'em contest this week, and I said "Sweet sassy molassey." Here are my picks.

Steelers at New York Jets
This a simple one – the Jets suck, the Steelers don’t.
35, New York 14

Miami Dolphins at Philadelphia Eagles
Hmmm, another simple one – the Dolphins suck, the Eagles … hey wait a minute the Eagles kind of suck too. But their level of suckiness does not compare to the Dolphins. Plus the game is in Philly, and if the Eagles lose there might be a riot of unseen proportions. So for the good of mankind the Eagles better win.
Philadelphia 27, Miami 10

Washington Redskins at Dallas Cowboys
Do you like either team? No
Can you shorten their nicknames to sound like gay street gangs? Yes. The ‘Boys and the ‘Skins.
Damn it. We have to go to a tiebreaker.
Who has bigger boobs – the Hogs or the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders? Cowboy cheerleaders.
Dallas 31, Washington 24

Kent State Golden Flashes at Temple Owls
I think I picked Kent State last year because they have an awesome nickname. The Golden Flashes. I don’t know what it means but it is cool. Maybe that is what you get when you flash a stranger for the 1,000th time.
Kent State 24, Temple 13

Vanderbilt Commodores at Tennessee Volunteers
Did you know Vanderbilt was named after the ‘70s supergroup, the Commodores, and their lead singer at one time was the L-train, Lionel Richie? Lionel is the man. If Vanderbilt was named the Vanderbilt Lionels they would be my favorite team.
But they aren’t and they are not as good as Tennessee.
Tennessee 28, Vanderbilt 21

West Virginia Mountaineers at Cincinnati Bearcats
Usually the mascots are scary but I just looked up a Bearcat and I think I could take him. The really interesting thing is it neither a bear nor a cat. Kind of like a tranny is not really a dude or a chick. So based on my retarded logic Cincinnati could be the Fighting Transvestites. West Virginia just has dental problems so I am going with the Mountaineers.
West Virginia 45, Cincinnati 28

Ohio State Buckeyes at Michigan Wolverines
This is a tough one. Both teams coming off losses, and wanting to get back on track. Michigan is at home. It is a rivalry game so anything can happen. Ohio State could win but so could Michigan. How do I pick? If there was only a really cheesy movie in 1984 starring Patrick Swayze, C. Thomas Howell, Leah Thompson, and Charlie Sheen that could give me guidance? Thank you “Red Dawn” for showing me the way.
Michigan 21, Ohio State 20

Louisiana Monroe at Alabama Crimson Tide
Anytime your school name could also realistically be a name of stripper is not good. Now taking the center stage, please give a warm welcome to Louisiana Monroe.
Alabama 49, Louisiana Monroe 13

Oklahoma Sooners at Texas Tech Red Raiders
This is tough. No not the game. Oklahoma wins easy. It is just tough trying to come up with some reason why I pick the teams I do. The rational reason to pick Oklahoma is because they are better, but you are not reading this for balance and objectivity. If you want that you should watch Fox news. And yes that buzzing sound you just heard was a sarcasm meter.
Oklahoma 35, Texas Tech 17

Duke Blue Devils at Notre Dame Fighting Irish
Anytime your school name could also realistically be in the Poop Thesaurus is not good.
Now taking the center stage after taking a Duke, please give a warm welcome to Louisiana Monroe.
Notre Dame 35, Duke 24

Kentucky Wildcats at Georgia Bulldogs
My fat basset loves Bulldogs. On the computer all day long looking at scantily clad Bulldogs in provocative positions. What a furry freak. He likes his bitch to have a little junk in the trunk. (Admit it, the only reason you watch dog shows is to hear a snooty white guy say bitch over and over).
Georgia 21, Kentucky 17

Boston College Eagles at Clemson Tigers
OK, I am going to let the 6% of me that is gay pick this game. Who in the hell told Clemson that purple and orange make a fabulous combination? Oh it hurts my eyes just looking at that color arrangement. Seriously purple and orange.
BC 28, Clemson 24

Idaho Vandals at Boise State Broncos
On paper this is a blowout. BSU is ranked in the top 20, at home on the smurf turf, and Idaho has only 1 win this season. Plus, I might starve if Idaho wins. All of the Boise State grads that work at the fast-food restaurants and pizza joints will be at home crying themselves to sleep in their parent’s basement so I would have nowhere to eat after the game. I know what is going to happen, but you gotta be true to your school.
Idaho 38, Boise State 35.

Purdue Boilermakers at Indiana Hoosiers
Indiana, can I ask you one question – Hoosier your daddy? That’s right. Purdue has owned you for a long time. Purdue continues its domination unless Joe Tiller starts throwing back Boilermakers before the game and lets a monkey call the plays.
Purdue 31, Indiana 27

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • Thank you to everyone who was kind enough to leave me a comment about my unfinished novel. It was greatly appreciated. And to those who did not leave a comment you might want to start looking over your shoulder because a bout of explosive diarrhea is heading your way.
  • I finally watched "Snakes on a Plane." I did not have much of a choice since it was on HBO 712 times last month. Anyway, if you have seen it then you will understand why I am sneaking an extra look into the toilet before I do my business.
  • Bored? Vote for Quincy.
  • I swear if I did not have to write a check every now and then I would forget how to write cursive.
  • So if I do some binge drinking then that will lead to binge pissing. If I do some binge eating will that lead to binge crapping?
  • There are two things in life that baffle me - Woody Allen movies and NASCAR. I just don't get Woody Allen's humor and I don't understand the appeal of no right turns for 500 laps.
  • I also don't understand animal abuse so I guess that is three things.
  • Halloween has come and gone, but I was reminded of the joy that is the day after Halloween. No not the discount candy. But the guy who comes strolling back home after a one-night stand wearing his wrinkled Captain Jack Sparrow outfit and a pair of panties tucked in his back pocket. The double walk of shame.
  • Do Chinese people get tattoos of American words or symbols?
  • Speaking of Chinese characters. Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high. (Thank you George Carlin)
  • Very punny indeed. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet .He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath . This made him (Oh,man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
  • If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
  • You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist off the earth? Who would it be?
  • How about this for a new rule? Stop giving me that pop-up ad for! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 10 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days -- mowing my lawn. (Thanks again Mr. Carlin)
  • This will probably be my only post of the week. Sorry. I have to figure out if bald people can have hairline fractures.
Have a good week. And remember to wash your hands before you enjoy that Hot Pocket.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Book Report

So below you will find the beginnings of a book that I need to finish writing someday. I started this project in college and I have not really revisited it until recently. It is a combination of fact and fiction, and it may offer you a little more insight into this dumb, white guy. I am not sure what my motives are for showing everyone one this. Maybe I am looking for positive feedback or maybe I am just hoping a publisher stumbles across my blog, reads this, and gives me a book deal. I hope you enjoy it, and if you do have any feedback I would certainly love to hear it.

"Confessions of a Dumb, White Guy"

By Matt Shifley

The lights were off but someone was definitely home. Sitting alone, he cursed God and kept asking himself, why, as a familiar voice invaded the blackness.
Beep. Hey honey, this is Janet. I just called to say hello and to let you know I will finally be home tomorrow. My long trip will be over and I can't wait to see you. It seems like it has been longer than two weeks. Oh well, I love you and I will see you soon. Bye. Beep.
He pushed the now worn-out play button again as he struggled to control his emotions. The warm whiskey was still going down smooth but it was only intensifying the anguish he was putting himself through.
Beep. Hey honey, this is Janet. I just called to say hello and to let you know I will finally be home tomorrow. My long trip will be over and I can't wait to see you. It seems like it has been longer than two weeks. Oh well, I love you and I will see you soon. Bye. Beep.
The tears finally fought their way through his closed eyes as he played back the answering machine once more.
And that was the last time he heard her voice.

"Who are you taking to the dance?" said Josh
"I do not have the faintest idea," said Cooper. "I just want to have a good time. I want to go with someone I know I will have fun with. And, if her definition of fun includes marathon sessions of sex, well I won't complain."
"So, as usual, you have narrowed the field down to fun-loving whores?"
"Yes, I believe that is exactly what I am looking for. Quick, release the hounds."
"So are you even going to the dance?"
"I don't know, it doesn't look too good. I'm fresh out of whores. I think my mission is done here. There is no longer a need for my services. Cooper has left the building."
"What about that girl you met last Saturday at the bar?"
"Who? That blonde?"
"Yea, she was cute. She seemed to be digging your lines and I don't recall seeing her doing the walk of shame with her panties in her back pocket from the house."
"She was into me. I was being, how do you say in America ... an asshole, yes an asshole and apparently the young ladies of this fine town are looking for something more. I know, I can't believe it myself, but I guess in the last few months they have developed something called standards. Anyway, she was complaining about her boobs being too small and how she wanted to get them bigger. And of course I reassured her that her boobs were perfect.'
"Of course. You are a gentleman."
"So I tell her that I read in Cosmopolitan that a new vitamin was being used in Europe that seemed to improve the size of breasts. Well, since I am unflappable and quite charming, she was hooked. She asked what was the name of the vitamin and I told her vitamin C. I get the deer in the headlights look from her and she is like you mean orange juice. So I tell her, well not exactly it is actually a relatively obscure vitamin known as vitamin Cooper. Well, the look of confusion turned into a look of damnation and she freaks out because she thought I meant throwing a load of sperm on her chest, which I did, and slaps me and leaves."
"Oh, the youth these days. They just don't understand the well-read man."
"You know it, brother. I am a genius surrounded by idiots, excluding you and a few others."
"Thanks, I think. Well since vitamin C is not selling like hotcakes these days, I'll see what I can do. I am going over to the girlfriends. Do you have anything I should tell Janna?"
"Actually, tell her I am looking for a girl who is a good thumb wrestler."
"OK, I will tell her. I'll see you in the morning."
"Alright, I'll see you later."
The conversation summed up his whole collegiate experience. He just never took anything seriously; he was more comfortable joking about it rather than actually dealing with the matters at hand. He would love to take a wonderful girl to the dance and enjoy an evening of engaging conversation. But, spending time with someone he cared about was a foreign experience. It just made things less complicated if he could get a tramp for a date and just tried talking her pants off. He could party all night and have no regrets in the morning. Unfortunately, these pep talks he gave to himself were no longer cutting it. He had a lot of regrets.
Thinking about college, he had the time of his life but soon it would be over. And what did he have to show for it? There just seemed to be something missing in his life.