Friday, January 27, 2017

What Did Ms. Frizzle Eat This Week?

Your shoes? What are shoes?
I'm only a puppy and incapable of doing anything like that.
I'm man's best friend and I only want to bring you joy.
But, seriously, I should be able to open up those closet doors in about a month or two and those shoes are toast. I can't wait to get my paws on those suckers.
I'm probably going to bury them in 12 feet of snow just because that sounds like fun and I also like it when you say "God dammit" a lot.
Have a nice day, dummy.

I have a feeling it will be easier to write an update titled "What Didn't Ms. Frizzle Eat This Week?"
The yellow-bellied beast has all of her adult teeth coming in right now and boy, oh boy is that fun.
I think I might be mispronouncing "for the love all that is holy, Ms. Frizzle is going to be living in a van down by the river soon."
Isn't that how you say fun?
I have never been good with English. It's so tricky.
Part of me wonders if we have welcomed the "Fat Bastard" character from the "Austin Powers" movies into our abode. For those of you unfamiliar with my reference, Fat Bastard is a morbidly obese henchman from Scotland trying to destroy the aforementioned Mr. Powers. And in one of his more memorable scenes, he does this:

Here's a list of the Frizzle casualties for the week:
  • Several rolls of toilet paper
  • Stick of butter
  • Popsicle stick house
  • Floss sticks
  • Dominoes 
  • My tears 
  • Stuffed animals 
  • Ski goggles 
  • Shoes
  • Double sided ... wait for it ... tape. =) 
  • A bag of leaves
  • Earrings
  • The last piece of pizza 
  • A lint roller brush
  • Plastic cups
  • A bag of trash 
  • Mrs. Shife's patience 
  • Stuffed animals 
  • And a partridge in a pear tree (OK. Not really. But it just felt right adding this to this list?)

But I think we'll keep her.
Kyle seems to kind of like her. 

Thanks for stopping by.
Talk to you soon.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Friday, January 20, 2017

A 604,800 Second Recap

Or, for those of you scoring at home, a week.
  • Saturday - Hayden was pretty excited to don a gi and kick some stuff. Or maybe she wanted to kick Don and get some stuff. I have a hard time understanding her sometimes. Plus, Don is a real dick so you can see why I could get confused. But she appeared to be satisfied that I took her to her first karate class. 

  • Sunday - Death by Labrador. I took Ms. Frizzle for a walk and her canine senses must have been affected by the frigid arctic temperatures because she took me over a big patch of ice and down went Mr. Shife. I just wanted to lay there and cry but I was afraid my tears would freeze my eyes shut. Worst. Winter. Ever. We got snow, we got cold, we got freezing rain, we got ice dams, we got politicians sticking their hands in their own pockets ... well, you get the picture but here's a GIF in case you needed help. 

  • Monday - Martin Luther King Day. This quote of his seems appropriate right now with all that's going on with our new president.

  • Tuesday - It's January 17th and back to school for only the third time this month. Lots and lots of snow days this year. 

  • Wednesday - Saying goodnight to Hayden and trying to keep a straight face because Ms. Frizzle is dry humping one of Hayden's stuffed animals right behind her. I didn't think girl dogs did that but they most certainly do, and Ms. Frizzle was working that stuffed animal over like it owed her money or something. Here's terrible reenactment from a terrier and Pokemon doll.

  • Thursday - Well golly darn. You will never guess what happened? Another snow day for the kids. We got another couple inches of snow last night that turned to freezing rain and everyone woke up needing ice skates to get from point A to point B. Have I mentioned this is the worst winter ever? 

  • Friday - I think everyone knows what happened today. No need to remind you or do I? Of course, I am talking about the anniversary of  Hong Kong being ceded to the British back in 1841. What else would I be talking about? Did something of importance happen today? 

Enjoy your weekend.
Thanks for stopping by.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Friday, January 13, 2017

The First Random Acts of Shifeness of 2017

  • Ms. Frizzle's mortal enemies appear to be literacy and clean floors. She's extremely unwavering in her desire to eat every book she can get her jaws around and she's also furiously determined to devour a push broom. The publications and sweeping device are learning that hell hath no vengeance like a Labrador puppy. It can also be very tiring. And nothing is better than taking a nap on a pile of clean clothes. 
  • Kyle read a message I wrote on a dry-erase board that said: "Does this add value to your life?" It's a phrase I picked up from a podcast to help me in my efforts to not buy stuff. We have too much in the Shifley household and a lot of stuff that doesn't add value to our lives. Anyway, Kyle read it and then asked me if the hooded sweatshirt I was wearing brought value to my life. I said it does because it keeps me warm. Then he asked me if my goatee brought me value. I had to think about that one for a moment and I told him that it saves me time because I don't have to shave my whole face and thus brings me value. Kyle found that answer unacceptable and asked again. I thought a little longer and told him that it brings me value because Mrs. Shife finds my goatee sexy and irresistible so I get lots of kisses from her. Kyle then immediately left the room and then I heard, "Momma, do you find Daddy's goatee sketchy?"
    Mrs. Shife and I both laughed out loud a lot.   
  • The place I call home - Boise, Idaho - has seen more snow than any year since 1892. We have had 29.2 inches since Dec. 1. For some reason, this thought popped into my head:
  • If a flight attendant says "See you next time" as you're leaving the plane ... well that's not a good thing. It's code for "Eff you." Read all about it here.
  • It's Friday the 13th and a full moon. Should be an interesting day. 

Thanks for stopping by. Talk to you soon.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Thursday, January 05, 2017


We got it, yes we do.
We got it, how about you?
We got 7 inches in 1 day (I know there's a "that's what she said" joke in there) and the total snow depth right now is about 18 inches.
Sounds awesome, right.

Ummm, no thanks.
I surrender. 
I shoveled my roof today.
Yes, my roof. 
Is that normal?
Mother nature you win.

Boise doesn't usually get this much snow, which is one of the reasons why I love living here.
I'm not a big fan of winter anyway, but Boise, for the most part, has mild winters, which I can deal with. We get a little snow and it gets a little cold and then we move on to warmer weather and dancing in our star-spangled underwear.

But not this year.
For the love of fat bassets, whoever prayed for snow ... well they hit the jackpot. 
Since we have had all of this glorious powder, the kiddos have had 3 straight snow days.
Did I mention that they were supposed to go back to school this past Wednesday after their winter break?
Winter break will now have lasted almost 3 weeks before the kids have to head back to the classrooms. Coincidentally, there has been a dramatic spike in alcohol sales around the Boise Valley.

Stay classy, my friends. Thanks for stopping by. Talk soon.
And I hope your weather is a little more agreeable.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.