Monday, December 21, 2009

Merry Christmas

and Happy New Year to all my friends out there. Here are some pictures of Santa's newest little helper and I hope you and yours have a wonderful holiday. I will be back in 2010 so see you then.
Take care.

Monday, December 14, 2009

So Very Thankful


I am not exactly sure why I was so fortunate to cross paths with my lovely wife, Mrs. Shife. But more than 12 years ago, while I was dressed up like a trailer park pimp and wearing make up (fraternity party ... don't ask but there is a picture of me at the end of this post if you want to check out my hotness) and she had just gotten off work from cleaning a house we met. It is safe to say that neither of us made a strong first impression but somehow that initial meeting led to a first date and that first date led to the rest of my life.
So during this season of giving and thankfulness I just want to say that I grateful to that broken road that led me straight to her ....

"Bless The Broken Road"

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true


Now I'm just rolling home
Into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you.



Monday, December 07, 2009

Santa Shife needs help

OK I don't want to end up like the guy pictured above so I am reaching out to all of you wonderful bloggers who happen to stop by and check out this sweet blog o' mine. Sorry I just felt I needed a Guns 'N' Roses reference to really legitimize this post. Anyway with the number of shopping days dwindling I need some advice from you experienced Christmas gift buyers.
#1 on my list - My sister and her family, which includes her husband, 6-year-old son and 2-year-old triplets. It is just not economical for us to buy each of them a present, and my sister and her husband are very fortunate to both be retired under the age of 40 so the kids and them have pretty much everything you could imagine. Therefore it makes present buying very difficult. My goal has always been to buy them a unique family present but I need ideas, websites, inspiration, Ms. Cleo, and basically a swift kick in the arse to point me in the right direction.
#2 on my list - My dad. I know a ton of things I could get him but the problem is that he is now engaged and living with the woman (I have met her once and barely know her) and her 9-year-old daughter. What to do? If I buy something just for my dad then I might hurt his feelings because I am sending the message that I am not accepting his future wife and step-daughter as part of the family. I don't know the woman and daughter enough to even imagine what they might like, and I don't want to ask my dad for advice because I just don't. So I am channeling Princess Leah and asking "Help me Obi-Wan Kenobloggers, You're My Only Hope."

Sincerely Yours,

Mr. Shife

P.S. Here is a picture of Baby Shife. He lost a bet to me that me and Mrs. Shife's alma mater - the University of Idaho - would go to a bowl game this year so he had to wash his mouth out with his own foot. It is never to early to teach him father knows best. Or it might just be a picture of him being a little cutie pie. I really do love that kid more and more every day.

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Rookie Dad Journal Highlights (November)

November 1 – Back home after a nice weekend up north. And then we came home and tore the house a new one by rearranging furniture so the little man has a nice play room to roam around and create his own version of the opening scene of Raiders of the Lost Ark. I swear he is setting up booby traps for me and Mrs. Shife is going to come home with me hanging from the ceiling.
November 2 – I think Quincy has elevated Baby Shife to a full-blown terrorist now. Baby Shife discovered his dog food and doggie door today. Good times.
November 3 – The play room is all set up and ready for him to destroy, errr, be creative. Unfortunately my new TV room is going to need some work.
November 4 – I could spend $100 on a toy for him but he is much happier playing with measuring cups and a popcorn tin. He likes to bang on the popcorn tin and make noise. I thought about buying him a little drum but he likes the tin much better. And we get some popcorn out of the deal so it is a win-win.
November 5 – I was putting dishes in the dishwasher while Baby Shife was crawling around the kitchen floor and he tried to give the detergent dispenser mouth-to-mouth today. Another thing added to the watch list.
November 6 – We get free Internet radio through our Blu-Ray player so Baby Shife and I spent the morning rocking out to some of my favorite songs. It was fun dancing with my son while singing a song to him. I am not a good dancer or singer but the little man didn’t seem to mind. Oh how much I love him.
November 7 – Baby Shife got to play in the leaves today and his lovely momma got some good pictures of him. Unfortunately we didn’t get as many as we wanted because he spent most of the time trying to put the leaves in his mouth.
November 8 – It is just amazing how his giggle and smile can make your day. I truly do feel blessed to have such a wonderful son.
November 9 – I feel so fortunate to be able to stay home with Baby Shife every day. And I hope I do help influence and teach him to be a wonderful little person, but ultimately I think he is the one that is going to change my life.
November 10 – Very trying week with my patience this week when it comes to Baby Shife. One day he takes great naps, and then the next day he barely sleeps. Not quite sure what is going on but the duct tape might get broken out so he strapped to his bed and goes to sleep. Lately he seems more interested in practicing in his Ninja assassin moves on Dexter his stuffed animal dog.
November 11 – It also appears that sleeping in past 7:30 during the week is completely out of the question. As soon as Mrs. Shife heads out the door to work, just like clockwork the little man is up and ready to start his day.
November 12 – A quote I saw about being a Dad, “Until you have a son of your own ... you will never know the joy, the love beyond feeling that resonates in the heart of a father as he looks upon his son. You will never know the sense of honor that makes a man want to be more than he is and to pass something good and hopeful into the hands of his son.”
November 14 – So Baby Shife is using my leg hair as leverage when he tries to pulls himself up when I am standing by him. Feels really, really good. Better than waxing.
November 15 – Baby Shife got to go furniture shopping with Mommy. I tried to explain to him that it is only going to get worse as he gets older because some day he will go shopping with a woman and have to spend his money.
November 16 – Baby Shife got his flu shots today, and also got a mouthful of dog food. He snuck in behind me while I was adjusting his high chair and had himself a little snack at Quincy’s dog food dish. I don’t know how much he ate but he had a handful of food when I caught him.
November 17 – Baby Shife has said a lot of words but unfortunately the baby translator is broken so it only sounds like a bunch of gibberish to us but he does seem real close to saying “ma ma.”
November 18 – I am trying to teach the little man some sign language. The only one he really seems interested in is the sign for dog. And giving me the bird when it is nap time.
November 19 – Moving on up … Baby Shife is now wearing size 3 Huggies. I also forgot to mention that when he got his flu shots that he weighed in at just about 16 pounds.
November 21 – Baby Shife whacked his head on the computer desk so he has another nice bruise right in the middle of his forehead. I have a feeling he is going to get a bunch of bruises there.
November 22 – We are working on the Christmas card picture for 2009. I think it will be a picture of a certain little baby wearing nothing but a Santa hat and maybe a cod piece. OK no cod piece. They are not in style anymore.
November 23 – I forgot to talk about this last week but Captain Mudbutt took his first shower. He took a dump that defied gravity and went up his back so he had to jump in the shower with me to get all cleaned up. He didn’t like the shower as much as taking a bath.
November 24 – Someone knows how to give his daddy a high five now. Pretty cool.
November 25 – All the boy wants to is pull himself up and walk. I have limited experience in the baby raising department so I don’t know how normal this is but I swear he is determined to walk by Christmas.
November 26 – We are on the road to the Tri-Cities for Thanksgiving. Baby Shife has not gone on an extended road trip in a long time so we shall see how he does. It is about a 4-hour trip so hopefully he will do OK. And no visits from the mud butt fairy would be nice.
November 27 – Baby Shife’s first Turkey Day was a good one. The long car rides are not his favorite as he had a meltdown or two but for the most part he did well and it was nice for him to meet more of his extended family. It was also nice having more people tell us how cute he was.
November 28 – We got the Baby Shife Christmas card completed and it turned out pretty good. It is hard to go wrong with a cute baby, a big smile, and a Santa hat.
November 30 – 8-months-old and it is almost time for him to start working on his Christmas wish list. And Baby Shife gave the fat basset a nice birthday present today by not stalking him for about 10 minutes then it was game on.

And here is a picture of the 8-month-old baby boy showing off that sweet smile ...

P.S. Sorry but I had to turn on the word verification for comments again because I have been getting bombarded with anonymous comments on a lot of my older posts. Hopefully this will keep them away and I can turn it off after a bit. Thanks for your understanding.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • I don't know if this is a well-known fact or not, but there is a way you can tell how "big" a guy is by having him make the loser sign. Here is an image to help you out in case you wanted to know what Michael Moore is packing.
    Anyway it is pretty accurate and comes in handy when you need to measure something and don't have measuring tape at your disposal. The reason I bring this up is because Mrs. Shife and I found a TV armoire this past weekend but we weren't sure if it was big enough fso I had to break out the L sign to see if it would work for my big TV and well it turns out me and the armoire were just big enough.
  • Sometimes I don't mind the combination of two words to form another word like when fantastic and fabulous get together after a few drinks and make fantabulous. But there is one unholy union of words that makes me cringe when I hear it - chillaxing. I don't know if it is relaxing and chill or if it is chilling and relax, but whoever decided that these two words should bump uglies and make a word baby needs to get punched in the neck.
  • Honey has never been a major staple of my diet but lately I have been throwing quite a bit back lately in my hot tea to help battle my cold. But now I know why it has never been a big part of my diet. Once the honey hits the Shife ecosystem there is some serious global warming if you know what I mean. And this global warming smells like a used diaper ... filled with ... Indian food.
  • Why am I watching Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew? If there's one thing good I can say about the show is that it is slightly better than anything else on VH1. Of course, that's like saying catching your hand in a meat grinder is slightly better than catching your hand in a wood chipper.
  • I also started watching two other shows that I actually enjoy Tosh.O on Comedy Central and The League on FX. They make me laugh, and sometimes I raise my hands in my air like I do care.
  • I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving, and with news of a pumpkin pie shortage I am not going to take any chances. Memo to Costco: Your ample pumpkin pie supply will be greatly depleted when Mr. Shife visits this afternoon.
  • And Peggy - thanks for the comment on my last post. I tried to write back to you but it said your profile is not available.
  • Baby Shife update - Almost 8-months old, 16 pounds, and 25 inches tall, and speaking of the little wildcat here is your weekly fix:

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

My Top 10 List

10. The number of years I chewed tobacco. Such a disgusting habit that I picked it up while I was in the Navy. I tried to quit so many times, and I think I did everything imaginable to try and make it happen. But finally I did quit and I have never looked back. It kinda helped that they had to cut out a small part of my tongue (don't worry it grew back) and told me if I didn't quit I would probably lose most of my tongue. So I was convinced. I got on a program, took a drug to help with the cravings, and have been off the stuff for more than 6 years now.

9. The number of years I have been owned by the fat basset. We rescued Captain Furry Pants from the shelter in 2000 and have been loving him ever since. He came with a lot of baggage because he was abused by some douche bag, and he has severely tested my patience. But deep down he is a good dog and I am a better person for having him in my life.

8. The number of places I have called home (I was a military brat) - Alaska, Idaho, Japan, North Dakota, Nevada, Missouri, Oregon, and Illinois.

7. The number of surgeries I have had on my left ear. I was born with a cholesteatoma and it took the doctors a long time to figure it out. By the time they did the damage had been done and I was pretty much deaf in my left ear. I have about 90% hearing loss in that ear, but for the most part is has not been a handicap and I have been able to get along just fine with it.

6. The amount of days I spent in the Latah County Jail. Let's just say I was young, dumb, and full of that stuff that looks like tapioca pudding. It was a misdemeanor but the judge wanted to teach me and my friends a lesson. Lesson definitely learned. Thank you judge dude.

5. The number of years I have been married to the wonderful Mrs. Shife. I don't know where I would be without her, and I feel so blessed that she is my wife. I will never win the lottery but I have won the heart of the most beautiful person I know and that is worth more than any amount of money.

4. The number of years ago I started this blog. Back in 2005 I heard about this blogging thing and thought I would give it a try and it has been quite a journey. Initially I was just going to write about me and my adventures with Quincarelli but the blog evolved into something more and now it is a pretty good thing. I have met a lot of great folks along the way and I sincerely appreciate all of you coming back to say hi.

3. The number of sporting venues I still need to visit. The Dean Dome in Chapel Hill, North Carolina to watch my beloved Tar Heels in action, the University of Phoenix Stadium in Glendale, Arizona to watch my beloved football Cardinals in action, and to spend a nice, long week in Omaha, Nebraska to watch the College World Series.

2. The number of microwaves I have destroyed in my life because I put things - a metal pot and a telephone - in the microwave that do not really do well inside a kitchen appliance that cooks food by passing an electromagnetic wave through it. The metal pot got me grounded for the summer, and the telephone ... well let's just say one day I will be making a donation to a university some day to hopefully atone for that act of stupidity.

1. It only took one. One look, one touch, and one day to feel something I have never felt before. The moment I got to hold my son for the first time was when I felt the depth, the delight, the ecstasy of love, and I soon discovered that for me the world had been transformed.

And here are some pictures of my son enjoying the fall weather ...

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Rookie Dad Journal Highlights (October)

October 1 – Getting ready to take the Mania back to the Midwest for the first time. He gets to see the Cardinals play and some more relatives will meet the little wildcat.

October 2 – Off to STL. Baby Shife slept through most of the Cardinal game but we had fun and he was a big hit with all of the people around us.

October 5 – We have to spend some time driving around in the car to help Baby Shife fall asleep. I think it is mostly due to all of the excitement and over-stimulation because we never had to do this at home.

October 6 – Heading back home to Boise. A long trip as we have to drive 3 hours to STL then spend another 7 in the air, but the little man did a great job.

October 8 – Baby Shife got scheduled for his 6-month-old checkup and portraits. He also might be done eating apple sauce. For some reason it makes him really gassy and fussy which does not equal a great night for the parents.

October 9 – We had to get the wildcat some new clothes because it is getting colder out there and he does not have a lot of long sleeved onesies.

October 10 – We had to ditch some of the “organic” baby food because Baby Shife had another rough night with a tight belly. We are not sure if it is the food but the Gerber’s organic seems to agree better with his little tummy.

October 12 – Baby Shife is sitting up all by himself, and he is starting to pull himself up as well. We had to raise the crib rail up because it was too low and he looked like he was ready to crank out some pull ups. He is also grabbing stuff off of the TV stand so childproofing the house might be in order real soon.

October 13 – He has been fascinated with my remote controls so I gave him an old one and he seems to like it OK. I might break out an old cell phone and let him play with that as well.

October 14 – 6-month check up and vaccinations. He checked out OK, got all his shots, and seems to be heading in the right direction. He weighed just over 15 pounds and is 25.5 inches long.

October 16 – Taking him back to the mall to find some brown pants that fit him better and a few toys might jump in the cart.

October 17 – Baby Shife got to go to the end-of-season softball party and he tried his darnedest to get himself a beer but Mrs. Shife said no way. He did swig down some water.

October 18 – Baby Shife is definitely testing my gag reflex with some of the deposits I am finding in his diapers. With the switch to solid foods he has definitely taken it up a notch in regards to the stank factor.

October 19 – Baby Shife hasn’t made a deposit in his mud butt holder for two days so I think we are going to get a tsunami of baby poop heading our way real soon.

October 20 – He has been barely crawling the last few days but now he is buzzing around the living room like someone is chasing him with a cattle prod. My life will never be the same.

October 22 – The Wii had to put away because someone discovered it and wanted to put all the cords into his mouth. I am afraid he is going to discover the DVDs next. He has already tried to reprogram the DVR several times. I fully expect to have a couple of adult films charged to our account by the way he was pushing buttons that thing.

October 23 – Toy shopping again. Someone needs blocks to help with their hand/eye coordination.

October 24 – We are turning the TV room into a play room for Baby Shife so we have to some work to do next week after we get back from Moscow.

October 25 – Took Baby Shife to a Halloween Maize and a Pumpkin Patch. It was fine and dandy but the rookie parents forgot to bring the stroller so we had to use a wagon that was for hauling the pumpkins and had about 40 pound of mud caked on the tires. Good times. Another lesson learned.

October 27 – Baby Shife continues to stalk the fat basset, and the fat basset is running out of places to hide.

October 28 – Baby Shife got dressed up as a little monkey to go along with Mrs. Shife’s Wicked Witch outfit for her Halloween office party.

October 29 – It is just amazing watching the little man play with things and try to figure out how they work. And it is the little things that keep him occupied like measuring cups, plastic bowls, and floor vents.

October 30 – Off to the Palouse for the weekend to visit Grandma and the rest of the crew.

October 31 – Baby Shife’s first Halloween and second Vandal football game. Not a bad way to turn 7-months-old if I must say so myself.

And here are some photos of the fat basset stalker:

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

The Murtaugh List

The Murtaugh List is a list made famous by the TV show "How I Met Your Mother" and is inspired by Danny Glover's character Roger Murtaugh in the movie series "Lethal Weapon." Murtaugh's catch phrase in these movies was "I'm too old for this shit" Putting something on the Murtaugh List acknowledges that as you grow up, there's stuff you just can no longer do that you did in your youth.
So what might be on your Murtaugh List?
Here are a few that would be on my list:
  1. Going to a bar that has been featured on "Girls Gone Wild."
  2. Dropping E and going to a rave.
  3. Jagermeister.
  4. Crash on a friend's futon for the night instead of getting a hotel room.
  5. Tea bag a friend.
  6. Suck the white filling out of twinkies in a portapotty.
  7. Get another tattoo.
  8. Karaoke a certain song by "The Backstreet Boys."
  9. Wear the fashion of Magnum P.I. The big busy mustache, the short shorts, the shirt unbuttoned down to your penis.
  10. Incorporate "How much extra for the midget?" into a sentence on a semi-regular basis.
  11. Make a love connection in jail.
  12. To be featured on any Fox reality show especially "When Animals Attack," "Cops," or "America's Most Wanted."
  13. Eat at a Chinese buffet restaurant.
  14. Be assassinated by a Ninja.
  15. Buy shirts from the "I'm Not Having Any Sex Catalog."
  16. Join the Dr. Phil Fan Club.
  17. Get into a food fight with a cannibal.
  18. Renew my membership to the International Federation of Americans against Plumber's Ass.
  19. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
  20. Tell this joke again: Two cows were standing in a field when one goes, "Mooo." The other replies, "Damn, I was just about say that."

And here is a picture of Mrs. Shife and Baby Shife dressed up for Halloween:

Have a great week!

P.S. 100 Tools and Resources to Teach Yourself Sign Language

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • Baby Shife's first Halloween and he is going to look pretty awesome if I must say so myself. He and Mrs. Shife are working on their costumes together. I should have a nice picture for you next week.
  • Speaking of Baby Shifley, here is the link to his 6-month-old video that I made,
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  • The last bullet point was actually a Random Act of Baby Shifeness. I am not fluent in baby talk so someone might need to translate for me but that was him typing on the keyboard.
  • Anyone excited about the Yankees-Phillies in the World Series? I guess I just want to see the Yankees lose but that is about the only thing that makes it interesting to me.
  • Maybe I watched too many X-Files episodes or I am just a skeptical person but I find it interesting that they think they found Amelia Earhart's final resting place just as the movie about her is about to be released into the wild.
  • I put this on Facebook but wanted to share here as well because I miss Mitch Hedberg. I think Pringles original intention was to make tennis balls ... but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they just said, "Screw it, cut em up!"
  • I dislike broccoli intensely so let's just get that out of the way. Anyway it looks a great deal like cauliflower so do you think it is envious of cauliflower? Wait for it. It is like a joke grenade. Or perhaps cauliflower is just scared broccoli? Something to think about.
  • Have a great week and I hope you have a wonderful Halloween. See you in 7 days.
And here he is ...

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Rookie Dad Journal Highlights

September 1 – Baby Shife got to go to his first birthday party today. He got groped by a 1-year-old but he took it all in stride like he knows he is a ladies man. Pass the Courvoisier.

September 2 – Baby Shife tried rice cereal yesterday and we tried it again today. It was fun feeding him and watching him make a huge mess. The fat basset enjoyed it as well because he got some of the leftovers that didn’t quite make it to Baby Shife's mouth. This might be the event that unites baby and Quincy.

September 5 – Baby Shife went to his first college football game as we went to the Wazzu home opener and watched them play Stanford. He had a good time and was a good baby.

September 7 – Headed back home today and there was only was visit from the mud butt fairy, but he was not happy camper when we got back to the house and tried to put him to bed. He was pretty fussy for about 2 hours before he finally calmed down.

September 10 – Just love feeding him his rice cereal. Whoever said it is the little things must of have kids. Feel so blessed to have a beautiful baby boy.

September 11 – Baby Shife went through the car wash and it did not enjoy the experience. A little too loud for him. I also bought a Wii today and I sure hope kids are still playing them when he is older. He also got his Aunt a nice birthday present

September 12 – On the road to Salt Lake City to watch a MLS game. Mrs. Shife and Baby Shife watched the first half and then headed back to the hotel. They were both tired after a long day but the game was a lot of fun. Really cool stadium and Baby Shife handled it well.

September 13 – Back home after our trip to Salt Lake City. Baby Shife got to watch a little bit of the football Cardinals play today and it looks like the same old Cardinals. I hope he doesn’t have to wait as long as I did to see his favorite NFL team make it to the Super Bowl.

September 14 – He is getting so close to crawling. Baby Shife can move backwards, and he gets his butt up in the air then gets up on all fours but can’t get the motor moving forward. But he is pretty darn close to becoming a mobile baby.

September 16 – Baby Shife tried out sweet potatoes today and didn’t care for them too much.

September 17 – Baby Shife made another appearance at Mommy’s office and brought productivity to a stand still.

September 18 – Going back to the Palouse but this time it will only take an hour. It sure is nice to fly to Moscow instead of driving. Hope Baby Shife will enjoy his second plane ride as much as his first one.

September 19 – Baby Shife’s first Vandal game and it was a good one. He had a good time because he got kisses from a 3-year-old girl the whole game. And Idaho won too.

September 23 – He is getting so active and developing a little personality. It is like trying to herd a wet cat sometimes when I am changing his diaper.

September 24 – Some days it is being a parent, and then some days you feel like you have no idea what you are doing. Yesterday he ate great, took nice naps, and was a happy baby. Today he is the exact opposite of that previous sentence.

September 25 – Our 5-year-anniversay and it is hard to believe we would be so blessed with a wonderful little man.

September 26 – Baby Shife supposedly ate “organic” sweet potatoes this week and boy oh boy did they produce some not so "organic" farts. The kid was dropping bombs like a veteran. And then when the farts decided to transform into a solid mass. Really nice Clark. Really nice. I think his room is going to smell for weeks after that crap burger he dropped in his Huggies.

September 29 – We are having a heck of a time keeping Baby Shife idle while we change his diaper. He just moves around and around and does not want to sit still. I am thinking we might have to strap him down with duct tape just to get a new mud butt holder on him.

September 30 – Hard to believe but he is 6-months-old. Wow.

And your weekly photo fix:

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Midget Westerns

Hey there everybody. I apologize in advance for not having some hot and fresh content for you today but what I wanted to do isn't going to happen so it will have to wait until next week. But this is an oldie but a goodie (well at least I think so) of mine that I posted when I wasn't allowing comments so now you can comment away. Or you can just scroll down to the bottom and check out Baby Shife's latest picture. He just got his 6-month-old portraits done and it is hard to believe how much the little dude has grown up.

Inspired by a Far Side cartoon, I proudly present the Sawed-Off Western Collection that can't be found anywhere but in my imagination

1. Hang 'Em Not So High
2. Short Noon
3. Dwarf Plains Drifter
4. The Little Person Who Shot Liberty Valence
5. 3:10 Short Bus to Yuma
6. The Modest Seven
7. The Outlaw Shorty Wales
8. The Assassination of Jesse James by the Midget Robert Ford
9. Butch Cassidy and the Short Pants Kid
10. The Good, The Bad, and The Vertically Challenged

Hard to believe how big he is getting. Time sure does fly by when you are a parent.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • I had to break out the pants today. Fall is officially here. Yuk.
  • My good friend Phats had me make college football picks for his blog. They will be up Wednesday or Thursday. Check them out if you are interested in my completely "scientific" approach to picking football games.
  • The new TV season is in full swing and I have only added two new shows to my list, "Modern Family" and "Flashforward." I really liked them both. "Modern Family" has that "Arrested Development" feel to it so that was a good sign. And "Flashforward" will get the "Lost" comparisons but it could develop into something really nice and interesting.
  • Heading back to the Midwest this week. Taking Baby Shifley back for the first time to meet some of his other relatives. We were suppose to go back in July but our plans got changed by a canceled flight. Anyway looking forward to taking him to a Cardinals game and seeing some family. But I have to admit I had a really bad night Sunday thinking about my Mom and how much I wished she would be there when we arrived at the airport.
  • I know it is probably just a coincidence but Baby Shifley is just drawn to the TV when there is a baseball game so I am curious to see how he reacts to seeing it live. Like I said I know it is probably just a coincidence and if there was ballet on there he would most likely check it out, but I just like to think he is going to be a baseball nut like his old man.

  • The fat basset and Baby Shifley are starting to share. More like Captain Furry Pants is enjoying some of the little man's blankets. It is a start and maybe now that Baby Shife is eating solid foods they will get along even better.

  • My softball season officially ended yesterday. We won our last game and after 36 league games, 5 tournaments, and a few practices I can finally let my body get healed up. I think I might be getting too old for this game. But I know I will be getting excited come spring when it is to lace up the cleats again.
  • Well my friends have a great week and a lovely weekend. It will be quiet here on the blog for about 2 weeks because we will be on vacation so take care and talk to you later.
And here is a shot of my little Cardinals fan. As I mentioned he is starting to eat solid foods so we get to break out all of his cool bibs. He is almost 6-months-old and is still an absolute joy to me. I love that little baby more and more every day and I feel so fortunate that I am able to spend so much time with him on a regular basis.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Thoughtful, Athletic Blogger Seeking Laughs

I was going to write about the deep and diabolical messages behind "The Smurfs", but I got Smurfaphobic so instead you get the highly-anticipated real meaning behind the abbreviations in personal ads. And for those of you that just want your Baby Shife fix just skip down to the bottom to see the handsome, little man.

Women abbreviations
  • 40-ish - 48
  • Adventurer - Has had more partners than you ever will
  • Athletic - Flat-chested
  • Average looking - Ugly
  • Beautiful - Pathological liar
  • Contagious Smile - Bring your penicillin
  • Educated - College dropout
  • Emotionally Secure - Medicated
  • Feminist - Fat; ball buster
  • Free spirit - Substance user
  • Friendship first - Trying to live down reputation as slut
  • Fun - Annoying
  • Gentle - Comatose
  • Good Listener - Borderline Autistic
  • New-Age - All body hair, all the time
  • Old-fashioned - Lights out, missionary position only
  • Open-minded - Desperate
  • Outgoing - Loud
  • Passionate - Loud
  • Poet - Depressive Schizophrenic
  • Professional - Real Witch
  • Romantic - Looks better by candle light
  • Voluptuous - Very Fat
  • Weight proportional to height - Hugely Fat
  • Wants soul mate - One step away from stalking
  • Widow - Nagged first husband to death
  • Young at heart - Toothless crone
Male abbreviations
  • 40-ish- 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
  • Athletic - Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
  • Average looking - Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
  • Educated- Will always treat you like an idiot
  • Free Spirit- Sleeps with your sister
  • Friendship first - As long as friendship involves nudity
  • Fun - Good with a remote and a six pack
  • Good looking - Arrogant
  • Honest - Pathological Liar
  • Huggable - Overweight, more body hair than a bear
  • Likes to cuddle- Insecure, overly dependent
  • Mature - Until you get to know him
  • Open-minded - Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested
  • Physically fit - I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself
  • Poet - Has written on a bathroom stall
  • Spiritual - Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday
  • Stable - Occasional stalker, but never arrested
  • Thoughtful - Says "Please" when demanding a beer

We took the little man to our alma mater, the University of Idaho, to watch their football home opener. And this is Mrs. Shife and Baby Shife getting ready to get their tailgate on.

The Shifleys enjoying some football action.

Game over and the Idaho Vandals win so they come over and sing the fight song to the fans. Probably my favorite picture of the day because of the look on Baby Shife's face. He looks shocked that our team won the game. And to be honest I was a little shocked they won too.

Confessions of a Dumb, White Guy - Blogged

Tuesday, September 15, 2009


A few things over the past week that have made me stop and go "WTF?!?!?!?"
  • Warning on Pepto Bismol - Check it out if you have a bottle around the house. Evidently you can suffer hearing loss from taking Pepto. I never knew diarrhea and Pepto Bismol could be so lethal. Oh and it can also give you a black tongue. This stuff is awesome. Do a search for Pepto Bismol side effects.
  • Steven Seagal - Deputy Sheriff - Yep. And there will be a reality show about it.
  • Star Jones - Just hearing her name makes me cringe.
  • A woman who gave her son up for adoption 10 years ago is now accused of having sex with the teen after finding him on the Internet. Here is the story ...
  • Heard this "swell" pick up line - “Great legs, what time do they open?”
  • A golf club designed so you can pee in it while you are on the golf course. Just unscrew the top and piss away. Yeah, that seems normal.
  • Are you an adult baby? Maybe I should rephrase that ... Are you a nutbar with serious mental health issues?
  • Remember when you were drunk or delusional and wished they would make another Rambo? Well your wish came true. Heading to a theater near you in 2011, Rambo 5. You can thank me later.
  • Boxer Juan Manuel Marquez drinks his own pee. I am pretty sure 5 out 5 dentists will agree that is not going to help prevent gingivitis. And I am pretty sure 100 percent of my blog readers will think that it is sick and wrong.

And here is your weekly fix of Baby Shife. This is a picture of him pretending to be a Baby Gap model.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Labor Day Weekend

Sorry it has taken me a little longer than usual to get my weekly update posted but I have been busy putting away my white thongs for the season. I don't want to get busted by the fashion police.
So how was your long weekend? Mine was pretty good. Thanks for asking.
The Shifley family heading north for a football game and to visit family. All in all the little man was good, and the baby boy wasn't too bad either. And the mud butt fairy only visited Baby Shife once during the car ride so that was nice.
The highlight of our weekend was taking Baby Shife to his first college football game. I admit I was a little nervous seeing how he would handle being surrounded by 23,000 screaming football fans. But, and I might be a tad biased, he did awesome.
However don't take my word for it. They say a picture is worth a thousand words so I will let you see how much fun he had, and plus I think my fingers might get a little tired if I had to type a thousand words.

Spending some quality time with his cousin

He might be cheering or filling up his diaper
Thumbs always taste better after you have been tailgating

Happy that the Cougars scored a touchdown or he might have spotted a cheerleader

I think he spotted the beer vendor

Game over

I hope everyone had a great weekend and the short week is kind and swift to you. Baby Shife needs to get plenty of rest because next weekend he will be going to a Major League Soccer game in Salt Lake City.
Take care and see you in 7 days.

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Rookie Dad Journal

I actually do keep a journal of the highs and sometimes lows of my days with my little man. Some of the entries do not deserve to see the light of the day but I thought some of my wonderful blogging buddies might find a few of them entertaining so without further ado I present some August posts from Mr. Shife's Rookie Dad Journal:

August 1 – Baby Shife went downtown to the Basque Block and spent some time at the San Inazio Festival. He also got to go inside his first bar at The Basque Center. I tried to talk him into doing body shots off Mrs. Shife but he passed. And at least they did not kick him out of the bar like Chili’s did.
August 3 – The highest of highs, the lowest of lows. Baby Shife can smile at me and I just love him more and more which makes you feel pretty special. Or he can be sitting in his car seat and you leave the room for a minute and come back to find an empty car seat. He base jumped from his car seat on the kitchen table onto the floor. He was a little upset but there was not visible damage, but I just felt like a terrible Dad.
August 4 – Do not bounce, stimulate, excite, or fire up the baby up just after he has finished eating. You can expect the milk he just ate to come back up a few minutes later all over the floor. This method would be great if we were trying to herd some cats but not advisable if you want your child to keep their food down.
August 5 – He has rolled over before but today I got to witness it firsthand. Pretty cool watching the little dude grow up and start to do things. It also means I need to keep an eye on him at all times if he is in a place where he can roll off something and onto the floor.
August 6 – Captain Mud Butt made a visit today. Not a pretty sight in Baby Shife’s crib.
August 7 – Baby Shife is back on the road again as we are going to Grandma and Grandpa's house for the weekend.
August 8 – Baby Shife got to meet some new people and got a lot of new presents.
August 9 – Back on the road again. 7 hours later and the tally is two visits from the mudbutt fairy, a fussy baby, and tired and grumpy parents.
August 10 – Rookie dad mistake: When using the bulb syringe make sure you clean it out away from your child’s mouth. I was trying to blow the bulb’s contents into a tissue and missed, but it dropped right into Baby Shife’s mouth. I am sure it will not be the first time he eats his own snot but he did not need any help from me.
August 13 – Rookie dad mistake: If you are going out in public do not put on your public wearing outfit until after you have fed your baby. I just changed into my gear and then fed Baby Shife and then Baby Shife puked all over me.
August 14 – Baby Shife discovered the power of his thumb today. So if he learns how to walk then I am going to have make sure he doesn’t become a little hitchhiker.
August 18 – It may have been a coincidence but when I went to pick Baby Shife up this morning he reached out his arms as if he was saying pick me up Daddy.
August 20 – Automated phone systems evidently do not understand baby talk. I was on the phone with Sallie Mae with Baby Shife crying in the background and the phone system disconnected because they could not understand my responses. So do not talk to automated phone systems with a baby crying in the same room.
August 24 – Baby Shife is developing quite the death grip. I will have him lay on my chest and he will grab my cheeks and try to eat my face. I think he is trying to give a kiss. Or he might be a cannibal.
August 26 – I think Baby Shife thought about putting in his adoption papers to find a new Dad after watching me play softball today. I was awful in front of my son. He looked like he was napping but I think he was faking it so he didn’t have to watch me play anymore.
August 28 – B aby Shife went to the office today to put some hours in with Mom. He also is making a habit of sleeping on his chest now, and it is just really weird seeing the little man sleeping that way. He still looks like a little angel.
August 29 – Went down to the Greenbelt and tested out Baby Shife in his jogging stroller. He seems like he will do just fine when he is all strapped in so we are good to go with our new personal trainer - Baby Shife.
August 31 – Baby Shife closed out the month by spending a few more hours at Mommy’s office. He didn’t close any deals but he definitely brought productivity at the office to a screeching halt. He also turned 5-months-old. Hard to believe.

Have a wonderful Labor Day weekend, and remember you don't need a parachute to skydive, you just need a parachute if you want to skydive twice. I am sure I have said that before on my blog but I just wanted to say it again. I kinda like it.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Rational Thoughts in an Irrational World??

  • As germaphobic as our society has become it amazes me that people will not think twice about sticking a ketchup package in their mouth to tear it open. I shudder at the thought of how many times that package has been handled before it makes its my way. And isn't it about time the ketchup package evolved? Is there a secret ketchup package conspiracy we are unaware of that does not allow the manufacturing of a new type of ketchup container?
  • I have an upright vacuum cleaner. It sucks and it does a good job of sucking. But I don't understand why I have a headlight on my upright vacuum cleaner. I don't vacuum in the dark or in a wall-to-wall community carpet arena where other people are also vacuuming and the headlight could help keep me safe from a vacuum collision. Having a headlight on the vacuum makes about as much sense as having a headlight on your iron. I am not going to iron in the dark either. I just don't get it.
  • I find it disturbing that journalists are using Twitter updates as reliable news sources. I find it really sad too.
  • I know the health care debate has numerous issues but one way to keep the costs down is if we had better eating habits and took better care of ourselves. The fast food nation and the super sizing of kids and adults is starting to get a little scary.

  • Has anyone been completely satisfied with a premium car wash? The ones where they wash, vacuum, clean the interior, etc. I always feel like I am not getting my money's worth when I get one.
  • Every other day it seems like Yahoo has something on their home page telling us what jobs are going to be in demand in the next few years. Well I don't know about the next few years but in about 2 decades I think the tattoo removal business is going to be huge. I just think a lot of folks are going to regret the arm sleeves and the neck tattoo when they hit their 40s.
  • And I better get to picture time of Baby Shifley before I lose all my readers with my negativity. The first one is the little man dreaming about touchdowns I guess. He slept like this for about 5 minutes. I guess he is looking forward to the football season too. And the next one is him sitting in Mrs. Shife's arms looking like he is saying a little prayer. I am not sure what he is praying for but maybe it is for a ride on the fat basset.

  • Have a great 7 days and my tip of the week is don't fry bacon in the nude.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • Where the heck did Summer go? It just flew by. I am not looking forward to the upcoming months. Fall can suck it. I have a restraining order against Winter but she always breaks it, and I think she owes me child support. And I can barely tolerate Spring because I am longing for Summer.
  • From the Rookie Dad journals ... I am not sure if this was a coincidence but it sure seemed like it. Well I was feeding Baby Shife and things were going well. He had a nice rhythm going and was just about done when his Dad - that's me - farted something fierce. It was bad. The fat basset howled, the neighborhood cat went blind, squirrels threw nuts at our house, the postman only rang once, and gay men quit buying Barbra Streisand albums (Do gay men still like Streisand?). It was that bad. Anyway I am trying not to gag myself when the little man starts to cough and choke and I have to pull the bottle out so he can breathe but he starts coughing and choking more because he just got big taste of Dad's ass sandwich. Poor kid almost starting bawling right on the spot. Eventually the brown fog lifted and all was right in the Shifley household. Except for the underwear I was wearing. I had to burn those banana hammocks.
  • Some of you are also on Facebook so you already seen these pictures but I have to share with the rest of you who have not caught the Facebook Flu. So this is a picture of the fat basset drinking out of the bucket I was icing my foot in after I sprained my ankle playing softball. I don't know if the "heeling" powers of Captain Furry Pants helped speed up the recovery but I like to think it was his way of helping make me feel better.

  • Next up is a photo of Baby Shifley with his first trophy. This past weekend we had great weather so Baby Shifley and Mrs. Shife got to come out for all of my team's softball games, and they must have been good luck because we went 5-0 and want the tournament. Here is a picture of my little man with the trophy.

  • And here is the latest and greatest toy for my little bundle of joy. His little jumper and he is already going crazy on it. Hopefully you will not be able to see my porn collection in the background.

  • That's all for this week folks. See you in 7 days, and have a good one. And remember what McGruff said, "Take a bite out of crime."

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

An epic battle

Bigger than Ninjas vs. Pirates. Coke vs. Pepsi. Top vs. Bottom.
More important than health care reform (probably not, but just work with me here).

My blogging buddies what you are about to read is the next great debate that will eventually take the world by storm: Should I wear a bear t-shirt or a wolf t-shirt?
I was strictly a wolf t-shirt man but a humble and wise man from parts unknown made me see the light and realize how wrong I have been about bear shirts.

I used to be a wolf shirt guy, until I discovered bear shirts. Bear shirts are much more mystically powered and attract an even more powerful woman. Even a woman wearing a bear shirt can attract a more powerful woman. A man wearing a bear shirt (bear-shirt-man) is held in such high esteem that most in the area are too intimidated to approach or even look at bear-shirt-man. Most of the time, they try to pretend bear-shirt-man isn't even in the room. That pays dividends when bear-shirt-man has attracted a particularly good wants-to-be-with-bear-shirt-man-woman. These women can usually be described in excess of 5 feet, 10 inches, a good quality weight that won't be pushed around in a tornado, a generally attractive fe-mullet hair style, saddle-baggish thighs, ability to slam crush beer cans with their hands, and the capacity to spit non-menthol snuff at least 10 feet. These hot mamas have been known to spend their time working as repo trucks drivers or lumber jills. The benefits of bear shirt are neverending. For example, when you wear your bear shirt to the diner you can count on getting the best table by the kitchen where your food will be hotter when it gets to your table than the poor wolf-shirt-men who has to sit up by the bar where the skanky ladies hover. At the oil change place, bear-shirt-man doesn't even get asked if he wants to change his 'air filter' or 'johnson rod'. Oil-change-place guy knows that bear-shirt-guy knows what the hell he's doing and won't fall for some eco-scam about oil recycling. Bear shirts rule. I once saw a bear shirt eat a wolf shirt.

There you have it folks. Simple math, Bear Shirt > Wolf Shirt.
Are you convinced? Are you a wolf shirt or a bear shirt?

And I didn't forget your weekly fix of Baby Shife. Here you go:

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • Post #550. I think if I hit 1000 I get an ultimate set of Google steak knives.
  • These two sick and twisted thoughts made their way out of my brain this past week: 1) It sucks when the first time you go to bed with the new person in your life and you take off your underwear and throw them at the wall and they stick, and 2) It sucks when you go to bed drunk, wake up with a hangover and a throbbing erection in hand ... then realize it isn't yours.
  • Would you shop at a floor and tile store if it was named "Floorgasm"?
  • The next great boy band idea. I know why the hell am I thinking about boy bands, but anyway ... Four guys, no shirts, and they call themselves Fourskin.
  • I have been watching too much "How I Met Your Mother." I big-time resisted this show because I hate shows with laugh tracks, but I watched a few episodes and it grew on me. I must admit that I really enjoy it now. Plus I get to watch reruns on Lifetime and I love seeing the promos for their upcoming movies of the week like "Touched by an Uncle."
  • Anyone excited about the new G.I. Joe movie? I think it looks really bad but that is just me.
  • Mrs. Shife and I have our official second date since the baby was born. His aunt will be babysitting while we go out and enjoy a Cross Canadian Ragweed concert.
  • It has only taken 5 plus years at our house but the fat basset finally received some mail. He got a catalog from Intercollegiate Studies Institute. I have no idea how they got his name. It is really funny - at least to me - because they addressed it to Quincy Rutherford, and Rutherford is the middle name I gave him when we first rescued him. Anyway below you will still the photographic evidence.

  • Baby Shife might not turn out to be the next Michael Phelps but he hit the water for the first time this week and seemed to like it. He didn't pee in the pool. Now if only his Dad could break himself of that habit.