Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Goodbye 2014

Hello 2015.

May we live to learn well, and learn to live well.
May you live as long as you want, and never want as long as you live.

Happy New Year everybody!
Thanks for stopping by and I look forward to blogging with you more in the coming year.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

Friday, December 19, 2014

That's Going To Leave A Mark

Well it was bound to happen especially since he is my son.
If you have followed this blog at all then you know that I occasionally have to take a visit to the doctor because I have this horrible habit of getting hurt.
Why can't I have a habit of picking winning lottery tickets?
Just this year I had an encounter with a bee and a softball that led to an undesired rendezvous with a qualified practitioner of medicine twice.
So I was surprised and thankful that we had not had to take Kyle in a lot sooner for an unscheduled visit to the doctor.
Our luck run out last Sunday as I was walking the husky hound and got the phone call.
Mrs. Shife suggested that I return home in a prompt manner because Kyle had an accident at the playground. He ran into some metal playground equipment with his head, and guess who won that battle.
If you said playground equipment, you are a big winner.
He went off to the doc in the box and returned home about 2 hours after, as Kyle put it, "they glued my head back together."
No stitches but lots of glue for the Red Power Ranger.
Oh did I forget to mention that he was wearing this costume when he got hurt and kept it on when he saw the physician.

No mask though.
He did have it with him but took it off right before the accident.
I don't know if it would have prevented the injury but it might have helped.
Anyway the doctor got a nice kick putting the Red Power Ranger back together and Kyle was a brave boy through the whole process.
Below are the before and after pictures of my little man and he's doing fine 5 days later. He's starting to get a little ripe since he hasn't been able to take a bath since Sunday but that's alright.
Thanks for stopping by.

 Before the glue

After the glue

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

Friday, December 12, 2014

Random Acts of Shifeness

-- Do you think angels fart? First, you have to believe in angels then you have to believe that they are flying around out there dropping the occasional cornhole tremors on unsuspecting humans. I bring this up because occasionally I'll be walking to work and just run into some phenomenally disgusting ass matter. There's no one around but me, and I know it wasn't me so … farting angels? I'm sure there's a perfectly acceptable scientific explanation but in my mind it makes more sense to believe in sphincter whistling spiritual beings.
-- Mrs. Shife and I actually had a weekend evening where we were not completely exhausted and not a lot going on so we rented a movie. We watched "Sex Tape" starring Cameron Diaz and Jason Segel. Horrible. Not as horrible as walking in on a midget shitting in a bucket but close. You have to admit if you walk in on a midget shitting in a bucket then your day has pretty much gone to hell.
-- Does anyone make a to-do list and then add stuff they have already done to make the list look better? My to-do list for the week was looking horrible so I added a few items because my self-esteem needed a boost. Wake up. EatReward yourself with a nap. 
-- A new favorite quote: "No day but today." Sometimes I'm always looking forward or behind but never looking at what is right in front of me and appreciating the present.
-- I'm a doing a new workout at a gym where Mrs. Shife teaches classes. She finally talked me into it and so far so good. They are along the lines of the P90X or Insanity types of workouts. Anyway, I feel a little out of place because some days I'm the only one not wearing yoga pants. I was tempted to look up yoga pants for men but I was really, really afraid of the images that I might not be able to unsee. And in case you are wondering, no I will not wear yoga pants.
-- That is all. Have a great weekend. Talk to you soon.

A picture of Kyle and Hayden being Kyle and Hayden. Love these two so much.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Friday, December 05, 2014

I Can't Unsee That

I don't go into my gym's locker room often because I just wear my workout clothes to the gym and then head home but I had to make another trip in there recently because I used the sauna.
And of course it happened.
I have seen a lot of strange things in my life but without a doubt the chances of weirdness increases exponentially when I visit that darn locker room.

First there was the the time I walked in on the middle of the old naked guys club. Still have nightmares about Skeletor and his crew discussing gravity's effect on their ball sack.
Then there was the time some dude thought blow drying his pubes completely naked was an acceptable and outstanding idea.

Now there is a new menace in the locker room. The manscaper.

I was leaving the locker room and things were going great as there were no trauma to my ocular cavities but that changed faster than I could I say "Just wait a hot shit minute!"
I went into to wash my hands in the sink area and there he was.
Some dude with one leg hiked up on the counter grooming his private parts.
Well they weren't very private as he was just hanging out with his wang out grooming away with his electric trimmer.
Seriously this is where you want to shave your balls?
I know I need to get out more often but when I see stuff like this I think maybe being at home and watching Tank scoot his furry butt across the carpet is enough excitement for me.
Maybe I am just a grumpy, old man and need to take it easy.
But I just feel there's a time and place to trim your pubes and it's certainly not in the men's locker room. Unless of course we are playing the worst game ever "Hey Look. It's My Penis" and then I need to find a new gym.
Have a good weekend.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Random Acts Of Shifeness - Thanksgiving Version

  • First and foremost, Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours. Hope you have a wonderful day.
  • Favorite Thanksgiving food: Pumpkin pie and stuffing.
  • Kyle's favorite Thanksgiving food: Well according to the cookbook he made in kindergarten it's green beans and he said this is how they are made, "Crack eggs in a bowl then put flour and sugar in - no green beans needed because it just tastes like green beans - put it in the oven, cook for 8-10 minutes." I'm not sure if Kyle is entirely sure what green beans are. 
  • Favorite Thanksgiving trip: Going to Reno with Mrs. Shife to do some skiing in 2006. No kids, no curfews and a long weekend in the biggest little city in the world. Reno didn't get enough snow so we had to find other ways to entertain ourselves and we had a blast.
  • Favorite Thanksgiving memory: Bringing Little Miss Hayden home. She was born on a Monday, and we brought her home Tuesday, which was two days before the turkey extravaganza.
  • Favorite movie with a Thanksgiving theme: "Planes, Trains and Automobiles." 
  • Finally a Thanksgiving gift - well at least I hope you think it's a gift - to you. If you are interested in my book but haven't got around to buying it, well I have a deal for you. It's FREE to download on Amazon until Friday so get over there. Here's the LINK

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Friday, November 21, 2014

Happy Birthday Hayden

A few photos from her big day as my little baby doll is now 3. She had a good day and I think the highlight for me was when we were picking up Kyle from school and she told me, "She wanted to wait to eat her cake until Kyle was ready because he was her best friend." Some days I feel like Mrs. Shife might be doing alright at this parenting game.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

Friday, November 14, 2014

Code Brown

Are you familiar with the term "code brown"?
It basically means you are about to shit yourself, which is not a good thing unless you are 9-months-old and sporting some Huggies.
I recently had a code brown moment.
I was looking at the browser history on my computer because I was trying to remember a site I visited that had some birthday present ideas for a 3-year-old girl (yes, believe it or not, Hayden turns 3 in 7 days. Another code brown moment, huh?)
As I am perusing the sites that I frequented, I start to see some highly unusual activity.
There's and the 10 best foods for pregnancy.
There's and the best foods to eat while pregnant.
There's and what to eat when you are expecting.
The only other person to use my computer is …
Mrs. Shife.
Holy crap.
Is she?
No way.
I got fixed.
I'm sterile.
I'm like a Christmas tree.
I only have ornamental balls.
I mean I guess there's a chance that my team could still score a touchdown.
A small chance.
Like one out of a million.
So you're telling me there's a chance.
My boys are ALIVE!
I take a moment to give myself a high-five.
Then I realize this isn't a good thing.
We are going to need a new house.
A new car.
A new attitude.
A new vasectomy.
For the love of husky hounds, what the frick is going on?
We can't have another baby.
After going through all of the doomsday scenarios, I call Mrs. Shife to see if there's anything new she would like to discuss with me.
She says she might want to try out a new yoga class this weekend.
Anything else I say.
Nope she says.
I then proceed to tell her what I discovered on my computer and that I filled up my undies with fecal matter because I don't think I can handle another kid.
Nothing on the other end of the line from Mrs. Shife.
I'm not a smart man but my relationship translator is telling me that this is no bueno.
More silence.
I'm about to fill up my pants again.
Then laughter.
Lots of laughter.
Turns out Mrs. Shife was looking up information for a good friend of hers who just found out she was pregnant.
Being the compassionate, wonderful woman that she is, Mrs. Shife decided not to torture me because she could have made me twist in the wind for as long as wanted.
Thank you Mrs. Shife for having mercy on me.
And thank you Dr. Hodges for making sure that I'm shooting blanks.

We had a snow day today in Boise Idaho. Almost 8 inches. The kiddos were pretty excited. 

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

Friday, October 31, 2014

Shifetober 31st

“It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.” – Ernest Hemingway 
The journey ends today as my book has been officially released into the wild.
It’s been a long road to get to this point with numerous ups and downs but Big Ern pretty much summed it up best as I have learned a lot during this journey. The most important takeaway from this excursion is that I have an amazing network of family and friends, and your support, generosity and all-around awesomeness makes me grateful that I have you in my life. Thank you for everything and I will be forever in your debt for helping make one of my dreams come true. Where I go from here is a mystery but I do look forward to a new set of adventures. And for those of you still chasing your dreams – since we are on a journey theme – don’t stop believing. 
P.S. Thanks for making me cry at work this morning Lee. Your review was absolutely wonderful. A perfect way to end this chapter of my journey.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Shifetober 30th

Two of my latest reviews:
“God damn it Shife. I can’t stop laughing.” -- Jeff Solis 

“I laughed so hard sitting on the airplane this morning on my flight from Boise to San Jose! I was crying from laughing too hard! People next to me, behind me, and in front of me kept looking as I had tears rolling down my facial cheeks!” -- Kent Whittig

My book will make you laugh and they say laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrhea. Then you probably should wait on buying my book. 

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Shifetober 29th

I have been so wrapped promoting my book that I forget that Halloween is this Friday. Sweet sassy molassey, this month has flown by. The kiddos went to a Halloween party at Kyle's school and I proudly present The Shifley's Halloween 2014 edition:

Kyle is the Red Power Ranger and Hayden is The Incredible Hulk, and please note that Hayden accessorized her costume with her favorite pink boots. I'm still not sure what they are going to be on the actual day of Halloween as they seem to change their minds on their costumes about as often as political candidates run ads these days. Thanks for stopping by.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Shifetober 28th

This is a picture of my grandma reading my book.
She's reading the story about how my mom almost killed her.
(It's on page 41 for those of you who have the book or you visit this link.)  
I know it doesn't sound like an amusing topic but trust me it's pretty funny. 
My grandma almost died and she's still laughing about.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Monday, October 27, 2014

Shifetober 27th

I shared my book with my mom's tree yesterday. I'm hopeful it falls into the right hands as I think my mom will do her best to make sure an awesome person finds it.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Shifetober 26th

Tank you. Tank you very much.

My spokesdog wanted to let everyone know that the book signing party was a lot of fun and a good time.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Shifetober 25th

I’m not quite sure how the book signing party will go but I do know this: Regardless of the outcome, we are still going to booze.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Friday, October 24, 2014

Shifetober 24th

Tomorrow is the book signing party.
Wish me luck as I hope it doesn't stink.

 I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Shifetober 23rd

Alright this one's for my friend Amy Mulligan.
You know those Snickers commercials where they say you aren't yourself when you are hungry. Then they have a Snickers and boom … all is well again.
Well here's my commercial idea for AdvoCare Spark: You aren't yourself when you have the kids. Then you drink a Spark and boom … all is well again because your mental energy and focus has been restored. 
There are some days when I feel like the little germ farmers have completely erased my mind because I do stuff like trying to put both contact lenses in one eye or send Kyle to school wearing his sister’s sweat pants or walk the dog with pine needles in my underwear and have no idea why my butt was so damn itchy during the entire walk (don’t even ask because I have no idea how they got in there but they did.) Amy was kind enough to send me some Spark samples and I felt like I had it together for the first time in a long time when I was with my kiddos. This stuff is awesome. Thank you Amy.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Shifetober 22nd

Congrats to Jerry Barnett for winning Contest #3. Now we are down to the last giveaway. All you have to do is tell me something that is your favorite. Your favorite movie, book, quote, yoga position, Star Wars character, dog, cat, band, book, alcoholic beverage, planet, state, country, sandwich, university in Iowa, hand sanitizer, Seinfeld episode or breath mint. I think you get the idea. Please let me know your favorite with a comment. Thanks.

I'll get things started with my favorite shitty movie, "Sorority Boys." 

"Well, uh, my name is Roberta, and … I'm addicted to porn and I masturbate constantly." 
Roberta is the redhead and the movie is about 3 fraternity guys who are kicked out of their house and dress up in drag to live in a sorority called the DOG house. Yes it's as bad as it sounds but it makes me laugh like an idiot.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Shifetober 21st

Where In The World Is My Book Today? 
Well there have been sightings in Missouri, North Dakota, Texas, Indiana and Florida. So awesome. My book also was also spotted again in Washington and Idaho. I would like to think my book being in Moscow helped the Idaho Vandals get their first win of the season. And regarding the Halloween costume picture, well my friend Michelle said, "I'm more excited to read my friend's new book "Confessions of a Dumb, White Guy," than this guy is to wear his Light-Up Stick Figure costume." Thank you JayBobCaraStephanieNoelleWendy, Michelle and Kden for sharing.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Monday, October 20, 2014

Shifetober 20th

After following my blog for a little bit, someone sent me an email a few years ago suggesting that I should write a book. I laughed it off and basically said, "Thanks for the suggestion but I don't think so." However, it did plant a seed and eventually led me to where I am at today. Writing and sharing my book with the world has been a dream of mine since I was kid in high school but it was just that -- a dream. A dream I didn't think was possible but looking back I realized the only thing ever stopping me was me. The process wasn't always easy or fun but it has been worth it. Having people read my book and share their feedback with me has exceeded my wildest expectations. I don't know if you have a dream that you want to pursue but do it. I'm here telling you to please follow your dreams and make them a reality. Turn those can'ts into cans before it's too late. Thanks for listening and thank you so much for support.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Shifetober 19th

Hello there. How's your Sunday going? Mine's going pretty good. Thanks for asking. 
I do that a lot. Assume that you ask how I'm doing. I have no idea where I picked it up. I'm guessing some '80s movie where the main character was some smart ass. My sense of humor was heavily influenced by those movies. Fletch, Stripes Ferris Bueller's Day Off come to mind. 
Well enough of that. 
Some of you might be wondering why I wrote this book and some of the obstacles I faced getting it off the ground. Well if you were indeed wondering that, then you can read all about it as my book's "Introduction" is available for free right here, You might get a few chuckles out of it and we all could use some of that these days. It also gives you an idea of how my book is structured as it's just not a bunch of my favorite blog posts. There's actually some rhyme and reason to the book. 
Thanks and enjoy the rest of your day.
And here's another "interesting" person I found on the Internet. 

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Shifetober 18th

So how's your weekend going?
Mine. Not too bad.
Thanks for asking.
I'm not going to share my FB update here today because it's just another reminder about my book signing party and the last time I checked all of my wonderful blogging friends that I visit with on a regular basis don't live near me so I didn't want to bore you with those details again.
Instead, I can bore you with some updates on my book.
Things are going real well.
It has made it's way to some people after I mailed out copies earlier this week and I'm getting a lot of good feedback. I've also sold way more than I expected and to a lot of unexpected people.
I've made 3 trips to the post office and Hayden has gone with me twice. We had the same lady help us both times Hayden was with me and the gal thinks Hayden is awesome. They just chat it up and I just look in awe at my wonderful baby girl. She's such a blessing.
Well that's all for today.
Hope all is well.
Thanks for stopping by.
And here's a picture of my Russian friend.
He's helping me promote my book signing party.
I told people to be there or go out with the love child of Susan Boyle and a bear.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Shifetober 17th

Where In The World Is My Book Today or WITWIMBT?
Well it watched the Giants win the NL pennant (not very happy about that since I'm a Cardinals fan), it met Ken Griffey Jr. (I always knew he was a big fan), it made it's way to the west side of Washington state (nice job USPS) and it's hanging out in NoCal (Californ-i-aye). Thank you ChadJessieAnonDiana, and Dana.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Shifetober 16th

I think my book is swell but don't just take my word for it. Below are some reviews from people who have already read my book. So if you like to laugh and are into good causes you might like it. A portion of my sales will benefit the Utah Friends of Basset Hounds and the Idaho Veterans Network. I have included a picture of the possible theme for my book signing party. What do you think? Thanks for stopping by.
“If you are ever having a bad day, you just grab this, read a chapter, and life is good again. Laugh out loud hysterical.“ 
“I just got done reading the introduction to your book. Holy stomach hurts from laughing at that. How in the hell do I get through your entire book?????? I am not sure, but I am going to give it my best shot!”
“You won't be disappointed with this one and it will keep you very entertained.”
“Overall, a great piece that EVERYONE can relate to in one way or another. Well done.”
“Quirky, non-stop hilarious and profoundly humble life adventures!”
“Matt's sense of humor is always unexpected, deeply funny and he has a gift for it.”
“Oh. My. F***ing. God. Laughing SO hard right now”
“This book is hilarious, heart-warming, and endearing. The author is genuine and shares his flops, foibles, and freak outs being a stay-at-home dad in a really funny way but he also opens his heart sharing his losses and loves.”

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Shifetober 15th

Contest #2 is done and congrats to Cher Campbell Sherwood for correctly guessing I saw my favorite movie “The Big Lebowski” 22 times. For the next contest, I’m going to make it easy on you, just tell me how we met. High school? College? Work? Blogging? Hitchhiking to Canada? A My Little Pony message board? Back waxing convention? Rae Dawn Chong Film Festival? Let me know and then I’ll have Kyle pick a number between 1 and hopefully 1,000 answers for the next winner. Contest ends 10/21. Good luck and the winner gets an autographed copy of my book and a very, very special bookmark.

So that is my latest giveaway on Facebook but all of you wonderful blogging friends, well I know I how I met you, blogging. But how did our paths cross on the Internet? DId I find your blog and just leave comments or vice versa? Or do we have a mutual blogging friend? Refresh my memory because I would to remember. 
And here's a weird picture for no reason at all. =) 

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.