Friday, April 27, 2007

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • Lewis Black, a comic, made an excellent point recently about Earth Day on The Daily Show. Now that Global Warming/Climate Change is trendy to the celebrities, he discussed how ridiculous it is that they are all shoving all these environmental issues down our throats, and how we can save the Earth if we start acting like them. When Paris Hilton is telling that you need to recycle then the issue loses just a little credibility. Anyway, Lewis summed it up by saying, “So there you have it. Advice on saving planet Earth from a bunch of people who couldn’t even save Planet Hollywood.”
  • My advice for the week – Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
  • And here is another one – Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
  • OK, one more – There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
  • If you tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it.
  • Mr. Shife’s sporting life update: The co-ed softball team Scared Hitless is 2-0.
  • And in case you were wondering, Spartan King Shifley’s pep talk to my immune cells did not do the trick and I have been sick all week. To make matters worse, it is suppose to be absolutely awesome this weekend and I got an effin’ cold. Oh well, it is just a cold. You can’t take life too seriously – no one gets out alive.

Have a great weekend!!!

Friday, April 20, 2007

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • I got a visit from the acne fairy this week. Evidently I ordered the Frankenstein starter kit because I got one on the side of my neck that I swear was going to transform into one of those bolts that Frankie had.
  • I really don’t care about “Dancing with the Stars,” but if they decided to make a show called “Lap Dancing with the Stars” then it might become part of my regularly scheduled programming. Well as long as Mrs. Shife said it was cool.
  • Half-marathon training update – 5 weeks to go until the race, and I am running 9 miles tonight.
  • I will be the first to admit that I was really, really, and I mean really, unhappy with Lost when it returned after its 3-month break. But the show has really found itself again and I am liking it a lot. I also started watching another show called The Riches which I find fascinating as well.
  • And do you know you can’t tickle yourself? Go ahead and try it.

Have a great weekend.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Ooops I did it again

Back in December 2005, I wrote about a little problem that I had.
Since I am a man, my genetic makeup prevents me from using maps, listening, and reading instructions. So naturally I followed the more is better approach when it came to Vitamin C intake and my cold, and took way more than the recommended dosage.
So fast forward 14 months and guess what doesn't get better with age.
I did it again with the Vitamin C.
I have waged a winning war against the cold and flu germs all season long, but they hit me with a surge this weekend and I am teetering on the edge of being less than well. I have had to keep my boys motivated to fight the good fight so I keep feeding them lines from the movie "300" for inspiration.

Spartan King Shifley: This is where we fight! This is where they die!
Immune Cells Captain: Earn those shields, boys!
[Immune Cells Cheer]
Spartan King Shifley: Remember this day, men, for it will be yours for all time.

So far so good, but do you recall what happens when you have too much Vitamin C?
Yep, that's right, rancid ass matter.
Farts that peel the paint off houses and render animals hairless.

This is indeed a blast from the past.

Friday, April 13, 2007

Man Laws

1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss’s car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy’s choice.

8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach … and it’s delivered by a topless model and only when it’s free.

10. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

11. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

12. Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

13. If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.

14. Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

15. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.

16. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.

17. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C’mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

18. The girl who replies to the question “What do you want for Christmas?” with “If you loved me, you’d know what I want!” gets an Xbox. End of story.

19. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics. Ever.

20. We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

“GUTS” is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, “Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?”

“BALLS” is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say, “Roll over, fatty, you’re next!”

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

The Taxman Cometh Again ...

and taketh another large chunketh out of my ass.

By the beard of Zeus, the IRS is a cock juggling thunder cunt.
Well we were expecting it, but it turned out to be worst-case scenario.
So I am going to make the best of it.
I put my cell phone on vibrate, put it between my legs, and I have called myself 89 times this morning.
I gotta go.
I think my phone wants to cuddle again.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Here's to life

The world is a tough place. It is cold, callous, unforgiving, and will kick while you are down. It is ugly, painful, scary, and downright mean. But it is also beautiful, kind, and hopeful. Sometimes I lose track of that, and I just focus on the unattractive qualities that can be found on the third rock from the Sun. However, last night I was reminded of the joy it brings me. I saw one of my all-time favorite bands in the world perform live and I got to do it with a lot of friends. I have followed the band since I was in college and their songs bring back so many good memories. Their music makes me laugh, think, cry, but most importantly, it makes me appreciate the people, places, and times in my life. So thank you Roger Clyne and the Peacemakers for making April 4, 2007 a great day. You guys put on one helluva show as usual and I am so glad I discovered your music.

Have a great weekend, and if you have something out there that makes you happy please focus on it. We all get so wrapped up in the hustle and bustle of life that sometimes we forget to step back and exhale. Whatever that thing is … that piece of sunshine or hope that makes you really appreciate life. Whether it is getting ready for your favorite team’s next home game or taking a walk with your best friend just make sure you do it more often than not because I like it when you smile.

P.S. The title of the post is from a song called "Mekong." Before Roger Clyne and the Peacemakers, they were The Refreshments, and Mekong is from their first album. The chorus is below.
Is it true 
It's always happy hour here
If it is I'd like to stay a while
And as cliche as it sounds
I'd like to raise another round
And if you bottles empty
Help yourself to mine
Thank you for your time
And here's to life

Tuesday, April 03, 2007


I think the volume of unsolicited mail I receive electronically has reached an all-time high. I am appreciative of all this attention. Especially from such faraway places like Nigeria and I really like it when I send myself an email begging myself to increase the size of my manhood.
I think this might be a message from Mr. Shife in the future. Maybe 10” wieners are a requirement of our advanced society. If you don’t have 10 inches then you can’t rent out a spaceship or something. Kinda like how if you go to the carnival today and you must be this tall to ride the rides sign.
Anyway, is there a viable reason why there are so many ads for porn, erectile dysfunction, bigger hogs, and low-interest mortgages? I mean someone must be buying the stuff or they wouldn’t keep sending it out.
I imagine a lonely man who enjoys his pornography and pops his little blue pills waiting for one of these lovely ladies he views on the Internet to come visit him. But the ladies never visit, and he is stuck with his giant boner all day long. And unfortunately it is a little awkward for him with his huge, artificially-enhanced endowment so he is knocking things over in his house. Then he gets mad about that and starts punching and kicking holes in the wall, and before you know it he needs a new house.
Thank goodness he got the email about low-interest mortgages.