Friday, September 27, 2013

Did You Know?

Did you know? Eating bacon can help you recover from a hangover by soaking up excess alcohol from your system.

Did you know? Eating bacon will not help you recover from seeing this image.

Did you know? China has a lot of amazing monuments like the Great Wall of China. During it's construction, the Great Wall was called the longest cemetery on Earth because so many people died building it. Reportedly, it cost the lives of more than one million people

Did you know? China also has a 30 foot penis monument. During it's construction, the giant dong was referred to as a cock block because the erection of the building caused a lot of congestion around town. Reportedly, it all blew over after local officials agreed to have a more hands-on approach in dealing with the matter.

Did you know? No Pixar movie has ever been a flop or made less than $150 million domestically.

Did you know? I have seen all of the Pixar movies except for Monsters University, and I'm pretty sure I'll see that one with Kyle once it's out on DVD. There's also a theory that says all of the Pixar movie are connected.

Did you know? The platypus lays eggs, lactates but has no nipples, hunts via electricity, and its venom has 80 different kinds of toxins.

Did you know? Tank isn't impressed.

Did you know? The creator of Doritos was buried with Doritos. 

Did you know? His tombstone should have read "Here Lies Arch West: Born 10/21/1918 – Fresh Until 9/21/2011."

Did you know? An iPhone can survive a fall of more than 13,000 feet. 

Did you know? An iPhone's auto-correct is still horrible. But funny.

Thanks for taking the time to stop by today. Have a wonderful weekend. 

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Friday, September 20, 2013

Picking a Winner Again

My blogging BFF Phats asked me to make some more football picks so I did. I am good at a lot of things like sleeping in, scratching myself, hanging out with my wang out, running with scissors, and sniffing glue but picking football games doesn’t make the list as you will see from the picks I made this week. A special thanks to my Uncle Jim Bob Jimmy Don for his inspiration. 

Pro Games
Cleveland Browns at Minnesota Vikings
What do the Cleveland Browns and possums have in common? They both play dead at home and get killed on the road. Minnesota wins, 31-10.
Tampa Bay Bucs at New England Patriots
Tampa’s head coach Greg Schiano seat is hotter than two rats humping in a wool sock in August in Kansas City, and it’s not going to get any better after paying a visit to New England. New England wins, 35-13.
Chicago Bears at Pittsburgh Steelers
As my Uncle Jim Bob Jimmy Don would say, “I would have to be drunker than Cooter Brown to pick the Steelers.” Nobody wants Uncle Jim Bob Jimmy Don to get that liquored up. Trust me. Chicago wins, 20-10.
St Louis Rams at Dallas Cowboys
My Uncle Jim Bob Jimmy Don also liked to say “I’m shaking like a hound dog trying to crap out a peach pit.” He was a weird dude. So what does that have to do with my pick? Nothing. I just wanted to use that phrase. Dallas wins, 31-24.
Arizona Cardinals at New Orleans Saints
Did I mention my Uncle Jim Bob Jimmy Don? Well he doesn’t exist and neither does the chance of the Cardinals picking up a win in the Big Easy. New Orleans wins, 34-21.
College Games
Kent State Golden Flashes at Penn State Nittany Lions
Well now that you know the truth about my Uncle Jim Bob Jimmy Don then I must also confess that I have a soft spot in my heart for the Golden Flashes because they have such an awesome nickname but that will be the only battle Kent State will win today. Penn State wins, 41-9.
West Virginia Mountaineers at Maryland Terrapins
Is a pig’s butt pork? Yes. Does a bear poop in the woods? Yes. Does a one-legged duck swim in circles? Yes. Will West Virginia win this game? No. Maryland wins, 28-24.

Missouri Tigers at Indiana Hoosiers
Why are rectal thermometers banned at the University of Indiana? They cause too much brain damage! Go Mizzou!! Missouri wins, 38-10.

North Carolina Tar Heels at Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets
It’s time to rely on the wonderful advice of my fictitious Uncle Jim Bob Jimmy Don once again: “North Carolina’s defense is going to be busier than a one-armed bus driver with crabs.” Georgina Tech wins, 68-50.
Tennessee Volunteers at Florida Gators
Albert Einstein went to a party and asked people their I.Q. He asked a guy and he said,"120.” Einstein said, "Great, we can talk about nuclear fission.” Then he asked a girl and she said,"110" and he said "Great, we can talk about the angle of the worlds axis." Finally he went up to a guy and he said,"51" and einstein said,"How bout them Vols!" Florida wins, 27-13.
Kansas State Wildcats at Texas Longhorns
Knock, Knock! 
Who's there? 
Cash who? 
No thanks, but I’ll take a peanut instead. 
And Texas will take another home loss, 42-24.

South Dakota State Jackrabbits at Nebraska Cornhuskers
Nebraska fans certainly aren’t too happy about the beatdown they got last week from UCLA, and that mood didn’t improve when a recording was posted on Deadspin, in which Nebraska head coach Bo Pelini said he didn’t care what the fans think. If Nebraska doesn’t win this week then Pelini is going to care a lot about the fans because they are going to run him out of the state. Nebraska wins, 49-7. 
Texas State Bobcats at Texas Tech Red Raiders
Why do Texas State students have TGIF on their shoes? Toes Go In First! Texas Tech wins, 45-28.

Boise State Broncos at Fresno State Bulldogs
Uncle Jim Bob Jimmy Don loved to tell this joke: You're trapped in a room with an angry grizzly bear, a hungry lion, and a Boise State fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? Shoot the BSU fan … twice. Fresno State wins, 28-27. 
Colorado State Rams at Alabama Crimson Tide
Start drinking early Colorado State fans because this game is going to be so ugly that it is going to make onions cry. It is going to be so ugly that it will scare the roaches away. It is going to be so ugly that if it sat in the sand on the beach, cats would try to bury it. You get the idea. Alabama wins, 56-10.
Clemson Tigers at NC State Wolfpack
What do you think Uncle Jim Bob Jimmy Don? “If excuses was gooses we would all have a Happy Thanksgiving.” No excuses Clemson, just beat Moo U. Clemson wins, 27-17.
Idaho Vandals at Washington State Cougars
Should I go to the well one more time and ask my Uncle Jim Bob Jimmy Don what he thinks about this game? Nope. This one is on me. I went to school at Idaho and they had decent football teams. That's not the case anymore. Vandal football fans have an inferiority complex, and it’s fully justified because our football team stinks. You would think that we live and learn, but we, we just live. Vandal football is living proof that manure can sprout legs walk. Washington State wins, 45-17.

Finally here's a picture of the kiddos. I told them if they didn't smile I would make them watch the Vandal game.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

Friday, September 13, 2013

How About That

The cursor has been taunting me for the past 7 days.
Just sitting there on my screen.
Blinking at me.
Or maybe the cursor is flashing me like a perv in a trenchcoat.
Is it blinking or flashing?
Anyway the blinking or flashing cursor seems like it's just waiting for me to write something substantial. Trust me I'm trying.
All the stuff I think I should write about just feels like there isn't enough that's worth an entire blog post or maybe my motivation isn't there to develop it.
In no particular order, this is what I have thought about writing this week:
  • How Kyle's was almost named Larry (If only the Cardinals won the Super Bowl in 2009)
  • How he got to hear the origins of his nickname Bunga (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)
  • How I'm having an identity crisis with my hair (I shaved it all off)
  • How I reacted when I got my book cover design ideas back from the artist (Disappointed but after talking to someone much smarter than me I'm feeling much better about it)
  • How I wanted to integrate "I finally was able to score some military-grade LSD" into my latest blog post (Thought it was a funny expression)
  • How exhausted I'm feeling after taking care of the kids, Tank, the house, and my freelance work every day (Schedule changes at the Shifley household have been a little difficult for me and Mrs. Shife)
  • How some of my favorite shows feature leading men that do some extremely horrible things (Dexter Morgan from Dexter, Walter White from Breaking Bad, Jax from Sons of Anarchy, Cullen Bohannon from Hell on Wheels)
  • How I hope we don't go to war with Syria (Only the dead have seen the end of war – Plato)
  • How emotionally gut-wrenching it was working at a newspaper during the 9/11 attacks (Working 16-hour days trying to keep it together while putting together a newspaper about events that changed the world we live in forever and then going home to bawl my eyes out because it was so hard processing all of the horror that happened that day)
  • How I don't need an update ever, ever again on what Miley Cyrus is or isn't wearing (the media feeds her ego and she can't live without it)
So is there any topic you would like me to expand upon? 
Have yourself a very merry weekend, and here is a photo of my two kiddos. Kyle and Hayden were not quite on the same page when I told them to smile. 

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

Friday, September 06, 2013

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • How was your Labor Day weekend? We had a good one. Hope you did too. 
  • Back to school for Kyle and me today. It was his first day and I was the teacher-helper. Thank the fat bassets it wasn't as traumatic as the first time last year. He will be going three times a week this year. Then next year he's going to be going kindergarten. And that just blew my mind. 
  • Did your search engine history include "remove crayon from linoleum" this week? Well mine did. Turns out Lysol wipes work pretty good.
  • Who else does this with magazines? Keep canceling and renewing under a new name so you can get the discounted rate. I have been doing this with Sports Illustrated for years. One day they are going to show up to verify if Pat McCrotch actually lives here. It will probably be the same day the mattress tag police shows up to make sure our tags are still attached to our bedding. 
  • Since I've been doing the paleo/primal/caveman diet, I've been looking for meal inspiration because some of the stuff I've been eating is pretty boring. Well I turned the TV on to the Food Network and was hooked. This stuff is awesome. Instead of rotting my brain watching Teen Mom or Jersey Shore these past few years I could've been watching Chopped. 
  • I also got hooked on the show, Orange is the New Black, on Netflix
  • Kyle's has a new joke. How does Davy Crockett like his pie? Alamo-d.
  • I forgot to answer your questions about my latest softball injury in my blog update two weeks ago. Yes I was safe, no it wasn't worth it, and it appears the blood sacrifice has improved my softball game. 
  • Finally a picture of Little Miss Hayden letting me know that she can't hear me when I'm telling her it's time for a nap. 

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.