Sunday, August 12, 2007

Death Sentences

Have you ever heard someone begin a sentence and you just thought to yourself, “This isn’t going to end well.” I like to call them death sentences. Basically if someone begins a conversation with the words below then the odds are pretty good that it is going to be ugly.

  • I was shaving my balls …
  • I put my finger in the bull's butt …
  • I went out drinking with Mel Gibson …
  • I went snorkeling naked ...
  • I was writing a check to a Nigerian prince I got an email from
  • The doctor said he had never seen anything like this before …
  • My friends and I decided to have sex with a corpse …
  • I woke up naked, with a bloody nose, and band-aids over my nipples …
  • I decided to stick some pieces of furniture up my rectum …
  • I drank 12 shots of Jagrmeister …
  • I was lighting one of my farts …
  • I was wearing pork-chop underwear at the zoo …
  • I went to see “Who’s Your Caddy”
  • I thought it was a girl …
  • I was juggling some hand grenades …
  • I went hunting with Dick Cheney ...

13 comments:

the rube said...

i wouldn't mind drinking with mel in malibu, i hear he owns the place.

GrillTech said...

You forgot a few:

When I answered the knock at the door it was the cops ...

So my cat came in and brought a present of it's latest "kill" ...

cher said...

unfortunately the jeggr one is true most days. man i love that stuff. but the odd thing is how you would have actually quoted the beggining of my sentence from last week about shaving my balls.

seriously, Rob hates it when I start a sentence with "so, I was thinking...."

Mr. Shife said...

No more odd than you quoting my wedding vows in your last post.

The Phoenix said...

"I thought the safety was on..."

The Egg said...

Jägermeister--brings back weird memories. You know there's even a song about it. I remember that it was a big hit in Germany around '96. Good clubbing song!

angel, jr. said...

One of my good college buddies drank 21 shots of Jagermeister on his 21st birthday. Was a great fun night, he didn't enjoy the morning after.

KnitTech said...

No, it's okay to mix downers with uppers.

Phats said...

HA the last one is the best for sure.

Luckily yet to hear any of these but I do, you'll be the first to know

Design Goddess said...

Um...if you went hunting with Dick Cheney, you might not get the chance to say, "I was hunting with Dick Cheney..." :D

cher said...

roar

Stephen Parrish said...

I'll bet McSweeney's would publish a tightened version of this list. It's great.

pandave said...

i read the bloody nose with bandaids over my nipples, and thought, hey this is me when i have run a marathon... but then i read the naked part and thought... well, can't rule it out COMPLETELY who knows what my state of mind will be after 26.2 miles.