Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Season's Greetings

If you are a frequent visitor to this blog, you know I hold a certain someone with extreme affection, admiration, and adoration. Yes, of course, I am talking about my lovely wife, Mrs. Shife. But the other person I hold pretty close to my heart is our dog, Quincy. The fat basset has been with us for almost 7 years, and I can’t imagine life without him. Well, unfortunately, we almost had to deal with that scenario recently. Our beloved basset was experiencing major discomfort and he was diagnosed with a bladder infection. Well a few days later he was still hurting, and now he could hardly walk. He was dragging his hind legs like he had two flat tires in the rear. Well it turns out that Captain Furry Pants did not have a bladder infection but he had some bulging discs pinching his spinal cord, which resulted in him losing feeling in his hind legs. His condition had deteriorated so rapidly that he was rushed into surgery after the prognosis was made. Three days later Quincarelli came home and the doctors say he has about a 90% recovery to make a full recovery. But for the next month, Quincy dog has to be confined to a play pen and we have to help him whenever he needs to go outside to do his business. Right now we are not getting a lot of sleep taking care of the big guy, but I am just glad he is home with us and he is going to get better. So I probably won’t do much blogging until after the new year but I just wanted to explain to everyone my absence. Mrs. Shife and I are extremely grateful to have our furball home, and we wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

How to spread holiday cheer

'Tis the season to piss people off. Here are several options to make sure you succeed in your mission. Happy Holidays!

  1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
  2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
  3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
  4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
  5. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
  6. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
  7. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
  8. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
  9. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
  10. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
  11. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
  12. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
  13. Honk and wave to strangers.
  14. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
  16. type only in lowercase.
  17. dont use any punctuation either
  18. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
  19. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
    "Never mind, it's gone now."
  20. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
  21. Ask people what gender they are.
  22. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
  23. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
  24. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
  25. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

Thursday, December 07, 2006


With Christmas fast approaching, you might be scrambling to find that perfect dish to take to a holiday party or for your family dinner. Here are some delicious choices from Heimlich’s Delicatessen. Please place your orders soon as I am sure these delicacies will be in high demand.

Toffee Crab Meat Frittata – Open-faced, six-egg omelet with crushed jalapenos, sumptuous lumps of imitation crab meat, sliced American cheese, and Bob’s homemade toffee.

The Ginormous One – 96 oz. of pure beef served with a pound of crispy, glistening bacon. If you finish it, you will get a free ride to the hospital.

Goat & Lobster Stew – A zesty blend of the pasture and sea, topped with poached eggs and flash-fried maraschino cherries.

Bok Choy Burrito – Pureed bok choy and guacamole interwoven with Gorgonzola cheese and salami, gently hand-wrapped in a homemade caraway seed and anise tortilla. Drizzled with clam juice.

Shetland Pony Dumplings – The finest free-range ponies, encased in thick, doughy bubbles then fried or microwaved to perfection.

Strawberry Bleu Cheese Melt – Generous chunks of aged bleu cheese whipped into a dreamy mix of fresh strawberries, roasted garlic, and curry powder. You have to smell it to believe it.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Yokozuna revisted

I wrote about this several months ago but at the time I was not accepting comments. Since I have successfully pulled my head out of my rectum and fully embraced the wonderful world of blogging again, I would love to hear what you wonderful folks have to say about Yokozuna. And who knows it might be the perfect gift for that person who is always difficult to shop for.

I have no idea where the origins of this juvenile prank began but for some reason its memory surfaced in my gray matter recently, and now I must release it into the wild.
Basically, a Yokozuna is an act where one places his bare bottom on another’s face in stealth or Ninja mode, shouts Yokozuna, and then hilarity usually follows unless of course you are the one sleeping and wake up to find a hairy, smelly turd cutter in your face.
Does that make sense?
Here is the breakdown: Bob is sleepy so he decides to take a nap. Bob’s roommates, Ed and Theodore, are not tired and full of mischief because they just split a fifth of whiskey. Ed and Theodore notice the slumbering Bob. Ed talks Theodore into giving Bob a Yokozuna. Theodore drops his shorts, and does his best imitation of a Ninja while he hovers his bare ass over Bob’s face. Ed and Theodore nearly give it away because they are giggling like a couple of school girls anticipating the oncoming butt splash Bob is about to receive. Ed pulls himself together momentarily and instructs Theodore to do the same. Theodore maneuvers his assy matter into position, and then Ed yells Yokozuna at the top of his lungs. Still half-asleep, Bob wakes up quite confused and unsure of his surroundings. His baffled mind tries to comprehend why someone shouted Toyota and why there is a foul smell in the air. And why are people laughing? He raises his head to gauge the situation when his forward motion is abruptly stopped by something … something with flesh and hair and stench and OH MY GOD Did Ed and Theodore give me a Yokozuna? At last Bob’s mind registers that he is now enjoying a face-full of ass compliments of his roommates.
So there you go kiddies, please pass along the fun-filled gift that is Yokozuna.