Thursday, June 28, 2007

Pissed off

My place of emplyoment requires that I dress business professional. So for the most part I have to look respectable and must leave the "Rock Out With Your Cock Out" t-shirt at home. And occasionally at work I have to take a piss and so that requires me to visit the bathroom and take care of business. After my business transaction I proceed to the counter to wash my hands. Cleanliness is next to godliness after all. More often than not there is huge pile of water all over the counter. Evidently the counter doubles as a bath for wayward animals when I am not around or something. Seriously, I swear there is a water fairy that comes in every day and just shoots his watery load all over. Anyway when I brush up against the counter I get water spots all over my pants. So it looks like pecker tracks or like I pissed myself. We only have hand towels in the bathroom so I have to grab the towels and start cleaning up the mess. I look like a perv when some dude walks in and I am going to town on my pants trying to dry up the spill. And if I get too carried away then somebody wakes up and that is a whole different problem. They need to invent some sort of guard that can run along these counters so you don't look like you pissed all over your self. I imagine something like a hockey rink where they have the glass all around the rink. I don't know it is just my completely random thought of the day.

P.S. Thank you to everyone who voted and, drumroll please, Dorothy won by a landslide. I might change it back to my original photo after a bit but for now I am going with my drag queen photo.

Have a good weekend.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Picture this

A request has been made by one of my favorite Canadians of all-time. She ranks right up there with Canadian bacon, Molson, Jack Bauer, and peeler bars. The cougar aka Cher has asked that I put a new photo up in my profile so below you will find 5 choices and the one with the most votes wins. It is sort of like American Idol but not as gay. Vote away my friends and have a great weekend.






Friday, June 15, 2007

Random Acts of Shifeness

• So what did you think of the Sopranos finale? My thoughts, in case you care, are I watch TV to be entertained and a little bit of closure would have been nice. I did say a few naughty words when the show faded to black.

• I am already disappointed with my first summer movie crush this year, “Knocked Up.” I did like the film, but I guess my expectations were a little high and I was dissatisfied. My next two crushes are “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry” and “Superbad.”

• I don’t think I have ever uttered the phrase “I wish I was in Omaha,” but I really wish I could go hang out there this weekend and watch the College World Series.

• Here are a few things I don’t need to see again anytime soon: A pair of balls that people are hanging from their trailer hitch, a bumper sticker that says “My other ride has tits,” and a very scary and manly looking transsexual at our local grocery store.

• And you know what else I don’t need to see, the frickin’ volleyball scene from “Top Gun.” OK, hear me out. I am a dude watching this kick-butt movie about fighter pilots and all the cool things that go along with that like partying, flying planes, chasing girls, etc. Then we go to a scene on the beach where all these topless dudes are oiled up, rolling around in the sand, wearing some seriously tight blue jeans, and playing volleyball. It is very jarring to the heterosexual male to go from an awesome action movie to a gay porn scene.

Have a great weekend.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Special Edition DVDs

First off, thanks for the playing the game, and most of you were correct in choosing D. Fortunately, my Lionel Richie t-shirt is sealed in a vault located 13 miles below the surface, and guarded by two rabid hyenas called Hassel and Hoff so there is no danger of it being ruined.

Now on today's topic, the DVD. I have spent some time on this topic before but I feel the need to vent again. I love movies so naturally I love the DVD. I am amassing my own private collection which may border on obsession since I am running out of storage space again. But there is one problem with DVDs and that is what the frick is the deal with releasing 7 different versions of the same movie. There is the original release, then the special edition, then the super special edition with extra features, then the super special edition with commentary from some really important douche bag, then the not-so-super special edition with a coupon for a hand job from a circus midget named Charlie. OK, I exaggerate but seriously it blows when you buy a DVD of a show or movie you love and then they release the ultimate collection or the unrated version a few months later. It is all just some horse crap marketing circle jerk and it pisses me off.

Thank you, and have a lovely day.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Back for more

Greetings everyone. I am back from my vacation and I had a good time. I just wish I could vacation more, and work less. Maybe in my next life. Well I figured we could play a game today. Can you guess which one of these things did not happen on my trip?

a) I met a guy who got kicked out of a strip club because he tried to tip the dancers with coupons.

b) I went to visit my four-year-old nephew, and he jumped out of his closet completely naked and made me wrestle with him like we were both in the WWE.

c) I felt like I was in a horror movie because of the swarm of Cicada bugs hitting Illinois this year. I guess they come out every 17 years, and there are billions of them in the state. It was weird jogging near my parent’s house and hearing these creepy bug sounds as you were running by.

d) I got circumcised by a cougar, my Lionel Richie shirt got ruined, and I didn’t learn dick about butter churning.