Friday, December 30, 2005

I'm back

Thank you to everyone for the warm wishes and wonderful questions. I just got back from vacation so I have a ton of e-mails and voice mails that need immediate attention, but I will be back blogging like my pubic hair is on fire next week. And I promise I will answer all of your questions.

Have a safe and Happy New Year!!!

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Happy Holidays

Well I am heading out of town for the holidays and I won't be back until next Friday, Dec. 30, so my ability to blog will be limited. But I wanted to wish everyone a Happy Holiday season and I am grateful that we all get to hang out and blog with each other. And I want to wish a special Christmas wish to Chairborne Stranger who is over in Iraq.
Well I have two gifts for you. The first is a surprise and won't be announced until the beginning of next year and will probably only interest sports fans. But the second gift is for everyone. I know some of you probably want to ask me a question or two so you might better understand some of my strange behavior or maybe you just want to know something about Mr. Shife but were afraid to ask. Well now is your chance. Ask me anything and I will devote myself to answering every single one. Until then, everyone be safe and enjoy the holidays.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Unemployed Ninjas

No that is not the name of my new band, but it is actually an issue that America needs to address. We are facing a growing epidemic in this country as more and more ninjas, assassins and samurai are faced with the difficult task of finding a new career because more and more companies are laying off their ninjas. The corporate environment is not same as it was 10 or 20 years ago when an executive would send out his ninja to spy on rival companies or to terminate unproductive employees. I remember just like yesterday walking down where the streets have no name and you would always see a homeless guy out there with a sign about how ninjas killed his family. Not anymore folks. In this day and age of political correctness, the services of the ninja are as antiquated as the thought that women only belong in the kitchen.
I have been known to champion many causes in my lifetime, and this one is the latest that really speaks to my heart. We need to help these poor ninjas, assassins and samurai regain some of their dignity and give them a reason to live. They have trained their whole lives to be agents of espionage and assassinations, and now they are kicked out on the street with no hopes of supporting their baby ninjas.
I have given this idea much thought, and I believe I have an idea that will give this segment of our population a way to make ends meet and feel like they are really contributing to society again.
I will set up a service where people can hire the ninjas, assassins or samurai to perform a fake hit on someone. For example, how many times have you thought to yourself that you were going kill somebody, but you never did because you are not insane. Well now you can sort of. One of my ninjas will pay a visit to the person who you wished was dead in a public establishment like a restaurant or mall. So this person is enjoying a fine meal, when all of the sudden a smoke bomb appears and there is a ninja. The ninja then throws a whipped cream pie in that person’s face, and then another smoke bomb appears and the ninja is gone. Along with the pie is a message that tells the person they were being a douche bag and they better start acting nicer or the ninja will be back but this time he won’t be so nice.
I think the idea is solid gold, but I would love to hear what you think.
Have a nice day and watch out for those ninjas.

Monday, December 19, 2005

What If

  • What if you met a business client for the first time and you were both wearing the same outfit?
  • What if you and your significant other got each other the same exact card on your anniversary?
  • What if it were socially acceptable to pee your pants?
  • What if the last stoplight before I made it home actually was green once, just once?
  • What if once a month we all had inflatable bumpers on our cars?
  • What if they tested intelligence at work?Would anyone test positive for being stupid?
  • What if I was the Last Starfighter?
  • What if Peace on Earth was more than just a greeting card slogan?
  • What if I was a gay porn star? Would my name be Sticky Buns or Richard Hammer?
  • What if you had to tell highways they were adopted?
  • What if you had the powers of a professional referee or umpire for one afternoon and you call fouls or could toss people out of your home? office?
  • What if it was always Miller Time?
  • What if people wore tinted shirts?
  • What if we added an extra day to the week and everyone got three days off?
  • What if they had Man Scouts? Would they have badges for drinking, screwing, and fighting?
  • What if you could go to work naked? Would you call in sick?
  • What if the old boy's club got an extreme makeover?
  • What if you could do over one thing a week?
  • What if Calgon could take you away?
  • What if laughter is indeed the best medicine?
  • What if you never read this blog?

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Evidently a bug crawled up my ass

because I don't have a lot of postive things to say. I guess I am trying to get all my negative energy out before I head home for the holidays. And don't worry, I have an appointment to get the previously mentioned object removed from my rectum.
  • I hate fantasy football. I watch games I don't care about just to see if some dude scores, and then some ass bag from ass hat university has the game of his life and catches 3 TDs. If you couldn't tell I lost in my fantasy football playoffs this weekend but I am not bitter or anything.
  • I hate the lack of professionalism some announcers have during NFL games. My team is the Arizona Cardinals, they suck and it sucks for the announcers who have to cover their game but at least get their names right. And at least say something that makes sense. One talking hair-do commented that a certain player was great in college, and then he followed it up by saying he was great in high school. Well, no kidding. Usually, that is how you get a football scholarship by being great in high school, and then if you are great in college you usually make it to the NFL. Unless, I am unaware of a new trend in football where really horrible high school players are infilitrating the NFL scene.
  • I might be grumpy because I am still dealing with this cold. Seriously, doctors and scientists can clone humans and animals, but they can't figure out how to cure a cold.
  • I think all the uproar about saying Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays is horse shit. Gimme a break, there are so many more important things that we should focus on during the holiday season than if it is politically correct to say Merry Christmas.
  • I guess I wasn't the only one not excited about "King Kong." It didn't quite make as much money as Hollywood anticipated. Boo-hoo. How about make something flippin' original that actually has a plot and is not special-effects driven?
  • This just in from No Shit magazine, I was not named the Time person of the year.
  • Anybody excited about the season finale of Nip/Tuck? Any guesses on who The Carver is?
  • Speaking of TV, I am looking forward to the new season of 24 and The Shield.

Well, I feel better now, and I hope you have a lovely day.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Tagged again

OK, I have been tagged by a few different people, and I finally got around to it. I apologize for the delay, enjoy, and have a great weekend.

1. What did you do in 2005 that you hadn't done before? I got a phone call from a real estate company looking for Bob Massaquoi and Massaquoi’s Sticky Buns. I was doing research on the web for my company and I had fill out some information to get the information I needed so I made up some stuff, and about 5 minutes later a rep from this company calls up looking for Bob and his sticky buns. It was pretty funny.More serious stuff, I celebrated my first wedding anniversary. I went to Mexico for the weekend to see a concert.I also think I went 47 weddings this past year.
2. Did anyone close to you give birth? No, a few co-workers had some babies but nobody in our immediate family squeezed out a kid.
3. Did anyone close to you die? No.
4. Did you travel? Where did you go? Best holiday memory? Mrs. Shife and I went to Mexico, Illinois, Washington and Oregon. We went to some places in Idaho as well but we live here. The best memory was probably being with my wife in Mexico again celebrating our anniversary.
5. Best thing you bought? Well there was that Vietnamese boy …. OK, let’s see, I will say my wife’s new car. Well it is new to us. She really loves it and that is reason enough right there. It is a 1996 Toyota 4-Runner in case you were wondering.
6. Where did most of your money go? That effin Vietnamese boy. I guess stuff like that is illegal in the U.S. Still kidding. Most of our money went to nowhere in particular except bills and savings.
7. What do you wish you had done more of? I wish I would be more a little more spontaneous and do some more traveling especially on the weekends.
8. What do you wish you had done less of? This would be excellent time to insert the Vietnamese boy line again, but I guess I would have to say worrying and complaining.
9. What kept you sane? The meth. Yes, most definitely the meth. But probably my wife and a beer or seven on the weekends. Oh and seeing that fat little basset every day doesn’t hurt matters either.
10. What drove you mad? The Cardinals losing the NLCS to the Astros.
11. What made you celebrate? UNC winning the NCAA basketball championship.
12. What made you sad? The ongoing war in Iraq, the ineptitude of our government when it came to hurricane relief, environmental concerns, animal rights, human rights and just the sad state of affairs we have turned the planet Earth into.
13. How was your birthday this year? Mrs. Shife and I spent my birthday in Sun Valley, and it was really nice to get out of town and just be with her.
14. What political issue stirred you the most this year? Same as last year, the war in Iraq.
15. Were you in love in 2005? Yes.
16. What would you like to have in 2006 that you didn't have this year? The University of Idaho to have a winning football record.
17. What date from 2005 will be etched in your memory and why? There a few, but most likely April 22 because that is the anniversary of someone who passed away.
18. What song will remind you of 2005? Album? Green Day’s “Holiday” and their “American Idiot” album.
19. Compared to this time last year are you happier? Yes.
20. Biggest achievement this year? Getting off my ass and writing again.
21. Biggest disappointment this year? The Cardinals losing the NLCS to the Astros.
22. What is the one thing that would have made you more satisfied? More maturity. I still need to grow up in some areas of my life.
23. Best new person you met this year? My blog friends.
24. A valuable life lesson you learnt this year? Be satisfied. The day is yours. And, the first casualty of war is the truth.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Handy tips from Mr. Shife

For some reason -- I am pretty sure it was the Nyquil -- I was thinking about what items would make your masterbatory experience less than pleasant. So without further ado, I present my top 20 list of things that will not be beneficial to your solo lovemaking adventures.

  1. Cheese graters
  2. Vacuums
  3. Rabid badgers
  4. Soiled diapers
  5. Fish sticks
  6. Fine Mexican food
  7. Halloween haikus
  8. Radioactive waste
  9. Christmas lights
  10. Roast beef
  11. Greasy, slimy gopher guts
  12. Weapons of mass destruction
  13. Ginsu knifes
  14. Toupees
  15. Dandruff
  16. Mufflers
  17. Farm animals
  18. Icy Hot
  19. Hot glue gun
  20. Zombie-elected overlords

As always, your feedback is welcomed and appreciated.

I got my first Christmas present

Aaahhh, the cold and flu season has finally paid a visit to Mr. Shife. I am such a lucky bastard. I got a flu shot this year, I have been taking 1000 mg of Vitamin C, but I still got a visit from the cold fairy. In an effort to minimize the horribleness that is a cold, I have been taking Airborne 5 times a day and increased my daily Vitamin C intake to 1500 mg. Well it turns out that every dose of Airborne contains 1000 mg, and combined with all the orange juice I have been throwing back I am putting down more than 7000 mg of Vitamin C a day. Guess what one of the side effects of too much Vitamin C is? Gas. I am having a fart marathon with myself. For some reason my co-workers are wearing haz-mat suits when they come by my desk. I am a biological disaster. I feel like I just fueled up for a shuttle mission to Mars. I have a full payload. Remember Pigpen from the Peanuts and Charlie Brown? That is me, except I am being trailed by a Vitamin C mushroom gas cloud. Ooops, there goes another one. Mrs. Shife is going to love me tonight, but at this time of year it is better to give than to receive.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Holy testicular fortitude, it is Tuesday!!

Just a few thoughts from the dumb, white guy.

  • Happy Birthday, Pops. Today is my dad’s birthday and I just wanted to let him know that he is one cool dude. Brief history of Mr. Shife, my biological dad left me and my Mom when I was a baby, and even though that wasn’t very cool, it turned out to be a blessing in disguise. My Mom met my Pops a few years later and they got married, and I was adopted. He has always treated me like his own flesh and blood and I hope I can be half the man he didn’t have to be. The song “He Didn’t Have To Be” by Brad Paisley is a fitting tribute to my Pops. I swear the song was written specifically for him. Anyway, Happy Birthday Dad, you are the best.
  • I had a Yoo-Hoo for the first time ever yesterday. Not too shabby.
    I had grand plans to write a funny little story about Yoo-Hoo, a few good men in my underpant’s navy, and how Mrs. Shife couldn’t handle the truth. But Mrs. Shife said it was a little too obscure so I had the trash that plan. Basically Tom Cruise’s character in “A Few Good Men” liked the Yoo-Hoo and everyone knows the line from the movie “You can’t handle the truth.” It would have been a beautiful thing but my editor said no.
  • Two quotes to consider this season when you are out and about dealing with Christmas madness. (And special thanks to my friend, Swedish Nurse, for the second quote.)
    “One can easily judge the character of others by how they treat those who think can do nothing for them.” – I don’t know who is responsible for this gem.
    “Most humans have an almost infinite capacity for takings things for granted.” – Aldous Huxley, English critic & novelist.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Back in the saddle again

Greetings and salutations amigos, do you miss me?
Well I missed you. It is good to be back and here is a virtual hug from me to you.
But let's get down to business.
I left my last job almost two years ago and occasionally I will run into someone I use to work with. I was at the grocery store when this previously mentioned phenomenon occurred. In order to protect the innocent, I will just say he is a middle-aged guy (MAG). I noticed him first and thought I would go say hello. I really didn't talk to him too much at work and I couldn't remember why this was the case but oh, how it came back to me faster than a basset hound running through Chinatown.
So I bump into him and as soon as we exchange pleasantries I was mentally punching myself in the babymaker for being such an idiot. Mr. Shife is now in the awkward zone with MAG. Every time MAG speaks I am just cringing and searching frantically for a sub on the bench because I needed to get out of this situation. I tried not to stare or act insensitive but the last time I checked there are no Oscars on my mantle.
Here is the deal, to borrow a phrase from comedian Dane Cook, there is a battle of epic proportions going on in his mouth. His incisors and molars are having a battle royale to decide who gets to be out front. It looks he chews rocks for a living. MAG's mouth looks like a homeless shelter for fucked-up dental work. I am trying to focus on anything but his mouth as he speaks to me but I can't. I am dick and all I do is stare at his piehole, and I barely open my own mouth fearing that one of his rogue wood-chopping incisors might launch a strike on my pearly whites. Did you let someone practice their jack hammering skills in your mouth? Have you heard of the this place called a dentist's office? Honestly it looks like the mother of all wars took place in his mouth and his teeth lost.
4 out 5 dentists may agree that this confession guarantees me another weekend pass in hell, but for the love of Fat Elvis, please people take care of your fucking teeth.

P.S. Thank you to everyone who tagged me. I plan on doing it this week so please just be a little more patient.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

I have some bad news, well some of you might find it to be good news, but I will be at a company retreat for the rest of the week and this will severely limit my abilities to blog. I will do my best to blog but I am not making any promises, so have a great rest of the week and more than likely I will talk to you on Monday.
I will leave you in good hands as Dave Barry was kind enough to share some words of wisdom with me.

16 things that it took me
over 50 years to learn
by Dave Barry
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. (I wish I had!)
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
16. Men are like fine wine ... They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

How Cold Is It?

It is so cold outside that the flasher in my neighborhood is only describing himself.
Thank you. Please tip your waitstaff.
As most of us are freezing our asses off, I thought I would present you with an annotated thermometer that I ran across on the web the other day. Now you have another way to tell people how cold it is besides "It is really fucking cold."

60 - Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one in their wardrobe)
50 - Miami residents turn on the heat
40 - You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming, Canadians work on their tan
35 - Italian cars don't start, Britney Spears kills a man with her nipples
32 - Water freezes
30 - You plan your vacation to Australia, Minnesotans put on t-shirts, politicians begin to worry about the homeless, British cars don't start
25 - Boston water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming
20 - You can hear your breath, politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation further south
15 - French cars don't start, you plan a vacation in Mexico, cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you, and teenagers still insist on not wearing a coat
10 - Too cold to ski, you need jumper cables to get the car going
5 - You plan your vacation in Houston, American cars don't start
0 - Alaskans put on t-shirts, too cold to skate, your balls detach and head to South America
-10 - German cars don't start, eyes freeze shut when you blink
-15 - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist
-20 - Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you, politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don't start
-25 - Too cold to think, you need jumper cables to get the driver going
-30 - You plan a two-week hot bath, the Mighty Monongahela freezes, Swedish cars don't start
-40 - Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweaters, your car helps you plan your trip south
-50 - Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window
-80 - Hell freezes over, polar bears move south

Monday, December 05, 2005

The weekend that was

Just to prove to all the player haters that besides being a dumb, white guy I am also a boring, white guy, I proudly present what I did this past weekend.

  • Left the office Friday at about 5:30 and on my commute home I listened to the soothing sounds of Lionel Richie (Say you, say me, let us say it together, naturally) and other "cool" '80s artists on the second greatest piece of technology that I own, the iPod (TiVo is the the current techno champ in our house).
  • Made it home unscathed and was greeted by the fat basset and the lovely Mrs. Shife. One of them tried to hump my leg. I will make it a mystery and let you figure out who it was.
  • The great Christmas tree debate began shortly after the greetings and salutations. Mrs. Shife wants a real tree, and Mr. Shife is ready to get a fake one. I will also make this a mystery and let you figure out who won the debate. But here is a hint, I do not have any pants and my testicles were last seen in 2002 near the outskirts of Winnemucca, Nevada.
  • We get a real tree and then headed to the store to get some Christmas decorations. Mrs. Shife looks for ornaments, garland and other misc. items while I look for new underwear. New underwear shopping is not as easy as it sounds. I have to get the right style, color and look. First, white panties are not an option. You have to be a brave man to wear the whites and I am not that courageous. Second, no banana hammocks, it is boxer briefs or bust. And finally I need to get the most bang for my buttocks. No need to get the suped-up undies, just get me the stuff that keeps my junk and my trunk covered.
  • We make it home and the decorating begins. I am in charge of the TV room and basically all I accomplish is picking up some stuff and running the vacuum. And somehow Mr. and Mrs. Smith begins playing and I am forced to spend two hours watching this garbage. I guess I had hopes that Angelina Jolie may have a few scenes minus clothing, but it was mostly just her and Brad trying to kill people. I think this film would have benefited from a few oil wrestling scenes.
  • Saturday rolls around and I start the day by getting a haircut. Mrs. Shife is babysitting her friend's kid so she is out and about all afternoon. Left to my own devices, I plant my ass on the couch and watch a steady diet of college football. Most of the games were blow outs so I popped in another movie but I ended up taking a nap.
  • Quincy and I wake up, head outside and put up some Christmas lights on the house.
  • Seriously, are you still reading this? Yes, this is my life and you should be extremely jealous.
  • I quietly sob in the corner of my living room because reality has set in that it is no longer Hoff week on my blog.
  • Mrs. Shife returns home and we hit the town for some more errands, pick up some dinner and discuss our Christmas plans.
  • The Shifleys return home, have a few cocktails, and one thing leads to another.
    I am sorry but that is all I can tell you. You will have to pay $12.95 to get the Premium version of this blog and the rest of the details.
  • I wake up Sunday with a smile on my face for some odd reason and I am little sore. Hmmm, I wonder what I did last night and why are there bite marks on my ass?
  • And the rest of the day is really lame. I hit the gym and sweat with the fat ladies from the old country, and then I planted my ass back on the coach to watch a steady diet of professional football.

I hope you had a lovely weekend as well.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Thank Hoff it is Friday

Hello everyone, well today I bid farewell to David Hasselhoff week on my blog. ... sniff ..... sob ...... sniff ..... sob .... . But as I wipe away my Hoff tears, I just wanted everyone to stop and think about how different the world would be without the Hoff. We all should be grateful that he is in our lives.


We wouldn't smell nice

We wouldn't know how to turn Hoff the lights

We wouldn't know how to Log Hoff from our computer

We wouldn't be able to dress our pets

The world would not be a safer place

Employees wouldn't wash their hands

Hair dressers would be unemployed

We wouldn't be able to define grace under pressure

We wouldn't know want to do if a car just cut us off Our throats would be itchy and scratchy and sore

We wouldn't have Happy Hour

Russell Crowe would beat the shit out of every single hotel clerk in America

There would be starving kids in China

P.S. Thanks for putting up with me this week and I hope you can forgive my obsession with the Hoff. I promise my blog will return to normal next week. Have a great weekend, bloggers.