Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Random Acts of Shifeness


  • Thank you to everyone who was kind enough to leave me a comment about my unfinished novel. It was greatly appreciated. And to those who did not leave a comment you might want to start looking over your shoulder because a bout of explosive diarrhea is heading your way.
  • I finally watched "Snakes on a Plane." I did not have much of a choice since it was on HBO 712 times last month. Anyway, if you have seen it then you will understand why I am sneaking an extra look into the toilet before I do my business.
  • Bored? Vote for Quincy.
  • I swear if I did not have to write a check every now and then I would forget how to write cursive.
  • So if I do some binge drinking then that will lead to binge pissing. If I do some binge eating will that lead to binge crapping?
  • There are two things in life that baffle me - Woody Allen movies and NASCAR. I just don't get Woody Allen's humor and I don't understand the appeal of no right turns for 500 laps.
  • I also don't understand animal abuse so I guess that is three things.
  • Halloween has come and gone, but I was reminded of the joy that is the day after Halloween. No not the discount candy. But the guy who comes strolling back home after a one-night stand wearing his wrinkled Captain Jack Sparrow outfit and a pair of panties tucked in his back pocket. The double walk of shame.
  • Do Chinese people get tattoos of American words or symbols?
  • Speaking of Chinese characters. Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high. (Thank you George Carlin)
  • Very punny indeed. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet .He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath . This made him (Oh,man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
  • If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
  • You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist off the earth? Who would it be?
  • How about this for a new rule? Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 10 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days -- mowing my lawn. (Thanks again Mr. Carlin)
  • This will probably be my only post of the week. Sorry. I have to figure out if bald people can have hairline fractures.
Have a good week. And remember to wash your hands before you enjoy that Hot Pocket.

19 comments:

Jon said...

I actually liked "Snakes on a Plane", due to the fact it seemed like they wanted to make a big budget "B" movie.
But to flip a switch and rid the world of one artist or band?? I'm going to have to get back to you.
Right now Amy Grant is the front runner...

The Duck said...

Hmm, let's see, what to reply to here. Eeny meeny miney mo...

- I never right in cursive, checks or no. Screw that. It's all caps, all the time for me. Easier to read that way anyway.

- I tend to like Woody Allen movies myself. I watched one the other day that starred Hugh Jackman and Scarlett Johanssen (sp?), and enjoyed it quite a bit. I think Woody Allen himself is kind of a freak, but I like his movies.

- I'd heard that Gandhi thing before, but forgot the punch. That's a good one.

- I can only choose to wipe one musical artist off the earth? Dang, I'd go for the country music genre as a whole if I could. Instead I guess I'll have to settle for Billy Ray Cyrus. I think we'd all be better off if we never had to listen to Achy Breaky Heart.

cher said...

oh mr.shife. is there anything better than waking up to you in the morning? i don't think so.

well, maybe waking up, flipping the light switch on, and completely wiping out SNOW (the under pressure rip-off artist)while i'm checking my toilet for snakes, stubbing my toe, but not feeling it because i had gandhi's feet surgically sewn on, after realizing last night i got a tramp stamp (lower back tattoo) of george carlin giving woody allen driving lessons on right hand turns, only to be followed up by jack sparrow threatening to kill himself if i won't give him his panties back that i had stashed in one of my multiple personalities back pockets...then noticing that everyone at my grad reunion has hairline fractures as i write out a check to HBO for keeping my animal abuse, binge crapping antics off the air.
yes, that would be just as good i think.

Mr. Shife said...

Oh dear. You win Cher. You finally got me to respond to your comment. You have truly outdone yourself, and I am in awe of your creativity. Kudos to you my second-favorite Canadian. And just remember you are just one good e-coli outbreak from becoming my favorite Canadian.

cher said...

you commented back! sweet cherry pie! oh, and would it help if you knew i actually had e-coli once? it was awful. i crapped dead fish.

the rube said...

i hope i don't offend any chinese looking up their sleeves, pants, dresses or down their blouses trying to get an answer to your excellent tattoo observation.

i've always tried to avoid getting the chinese mad at me.

Airam said...

Ah crap I just realized I didn't leave a comment on your last post. I guess I'm screwed.

And seriously these random thoughts are gold.

Big Ben said...

I'm a fan of hot pockets. You should get a tatoo with cursive writing so you don't forget. Perhaps your tatoo will say "Chinese Symbol".

The Duck said...

cher - that comment seems somehow familiar... Hmm...

shife - regarding your recent comment on my blog, I am tempted to say yes since there's no way in H-E-double-hockey-sticks that Idaho will beat Boise State, but there's no way I'd eat bugs in any scenario, so I won't. But yeah, they're not gonna win.

The Egg said...

I love the Random Acts of Shifeness series! Yep, Cher is a genious with her witty comment. Now I don't know what to say except that I'm not a big fan of Meatloaf. I never understood the fascination with this artist! Have a good weekend with Mrs. Shife.

angel, jr. said...

Have a good weekend!
Can I flip the switch multiple times, if I do it really quickly?

Phats said...

Hello Shife
How are the Vandals going to be in basketball??

I have not seen snakes on a plane and won't be watching it thank you very much. Phats doesn't like snakes

as for everything else lots on your mind eh? I write in cursive all the time

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Have you seen Annie Hall by Woody Allen? You can't deny that it was the 2nd best movie, next to Star Wars, of the year I was born, 1977.

Design Goddess said...

Does it make a difference that I READ your novel post, yet failed to comment on it? I mean seriously, who wants a bout of explosive diarrhea?!

nutz said...

I don't under nascar either, it's sooo boring. Roxie voted for Quincy!

nutz said...

I don't under nascar either, it's sooo boring. Roxie voted for Quincy!

Mr. Shife said...

Nutz I tried to go to your blog but I am having difficulties. Let me know what is going on. Hope all is well.

honkeie2 said...

I have tried over and over again to watch woody allen movies. I dont get it.....nor do i get why isnt he in jail.
Lets do the run down...
His wife adopts a young girl....
Woody has sex with her and then marries her.....
Now doesnt this mean he had sex with an under age girl that was his daughter?
But luckily for him he has all of the Hollyweird nation behind him kissing his wrinkley old butt. If that had been me I might now be rubbing lotion on Bobs Moobies.

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