Friday, March 31, 2006

Random Acts of Shifeness

Hi, how are you? Well I am just super, thanks for asking. Here is what on my mind this week.

  • Spring sucks. I have had enough rain and cold. I want some sunshine on this old cranky ass of mine. And yes I will be bitching about how hot it is in about 3 months.
  • It is a battle of the sequels at the box office this weeked. A bunch of cute prehistoric animals in "Ice Age 2" versus a tired beaver in "Basic Instinct 2."
  • Seriously is anyone interested in seeing Sharon Stone naked again?
  • I am really looking forward to hearing what Bill Maher has to say about President Bush's immigration policy on his HBO show.
  • Way to kick off the 2006 Major League Baseball season Bud Selig. Let's start a steroid investigation three days before the regular season. Baseball really knows how to run a great product into the ground. When does football start?
  • The new season of South Park has been quite amusing.
  • I have seen "V for Vendetta" twice and I hope to see it a third time this weekend. I seriously have not seen a movie that has rocked my world like this in a long time. The last one that I can remember would be "Infernal Affairs." It is a Hong Kong police thriller not the Richard Gere movie. I linked it in case you wanted more information.
  • Has anyone else noticed how quite a few bloggers have taken a break or just flat out disappeared? I know there are at least 5 people on my links list that have been missing for some time.
  • Here is a great list, Pimp Daddy Swank's World of Comedy Porn Titles!
  • Here is another list, a list of bad predictions.
  • And finally here is my bad prediction -- David Hasselhoff and I will run away together and start a midget escort service.

Have yourself a wonderful little weekend.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

How's This For Embarrassing?

I rarely speak of work on my blog because it is not that interesting and I would rather talk about other things. But yesterday something happened that I have to contribute. The guy I share an office space has been on vacation for a week so I have been able to do pretty much what I want, when I want. Crank up the music, pick my nose, scratch my balls, and fart. Well at least in my mind I thought the last activity mentioned was safe.
I ate something that did not agree with me and I was more gassed up than an 18-wheeler. I sent out a test balloon to make sure my fart was not rancid and it would no peel any paint or burn someone’s body hair. The fart came and went without any detectable odor. So that was cool. And as the day progressed, the fart machine that is my ass continued to provide a steady diet of gas but the farts still remained relatively harmless since they were not stinkers.
As this continues I am gaining more confidence and just letting them rip with reckless abandon. I am an arrogant farter, the worst kind. I am just blowing ass left and right, pushing my luck and just tempting fate.
Well karma decided to pay Mr. Shife a visit.
I am sitting at my desk and feel another one coming. I have my head down on my desk because I am thinking about how I wish it was 5 and I need to go home. So my head is down, and my butt is a little more exposed as it is raised up a little in my chair and pointing to the left. Also, I have my back exposed to anyone that walks around the corner to my work space making it pretty easy for someone to hear me before I see them. Do you see where this is heading?
I have felt fearless all day since they haven’t been loud or foul so I just let it go. And my eyes got about as big as basketballs because this one had some volume to it. And naturally my boss walks into my space two seconds later. Awesome.
Quick recap for those of you scoring at home: I am sitting at my desk with my head down, my ass is raised a little bit and to the left, my eyes are huge and this fart sound is bouncing off the walls when my boss walks around the corner to hand me an assignment.
Word cannot describe the awkwardness.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

I Am A Dork -- The Sequel

Well last week I explained to everyone how I took a tumble while I was running 7 miles. Well this week you get to hear about my adventures while I was running 8 miles.
Due to the inclement weather, I was forced to do my training on a treadmill at the gym. Running on a treadmill is OK but is not a place you want to spend 67 minutes of your life if there are better options. The treadmill has little bearing on the story but I just wanted to set up the scene for you and maybe whine a little bit about running on a treadmill.
Anyway, about 45 minutes into my run I am sweating like a Danish cartoonist in Mecca. I would have said I was sweating like a pig but evidently that is not correct because pigs don't have sweat glands. See this blog is more than just stupid stories it is educational.
I am even wearing one of those Under Armor shirts but I am still sweating profusely. The side effect of all this sweat is that my shirt gets heavy. And when you run you bounce up and down. So I wearing a heavy shirt soaked in my own juices, bouncing up and down, still trying to figure out why the hell I am running anyway, when it happens. Now most of you who have ran long distances know where this is going and might be wincing in pain thinking about it. But those of you who don’t please enjoy another life lesson from Mr. Shife. You would think men would be immune from this, but some people will notice that their nipples get bruised or may even bleed in some cases from the constant rubbing against their shirt. And I am some people.
Man my nipples hurt for like four days. They just ached and were so sensitive. I swear I could not handle being a girl. I would seriously be the biggest cry baby.
So since I won’t be throwing on Mrs. Shife’s sport bras, it looks like I have to lube up my nipples with some Vaseline when I am running long distances. I guess I have to put some on my inner thighs as well. The Internet is just a wealth of information.
I just hope I didn’t raise any red flags at work when I did a Google search for sore nipples.

Monday, March 27, 2006

It’s not TV. It’s HBO.

And it is on 193 times a month.
Here is my problem. I had a few days off last week and watched more TV than I usually do.
And I swear “I, Robot” was on every day.
And I swear it was on at least 17 times.
Granted I have 8 HBO stations which might explain the high frequency of this film being on my television. But you get the point that I got plenty of opportunities to see Will Smith kick robot ass.
So I am in the cozy confines of my sweat pants and have the fat basset by my side as we prepare for another round of channel surfing to help pass the time until something more interesting comes along. I flipped through the 800 channels in a matter of seconds. For some reason, men can process the on screen television guide like nobody’s business but we can’t lift up the toilet seat. I guess we are just cursed. After my first lap I saw that there are no re-runs of “Knight Rider” being aired so “I, Robot” was on and it was deemed by the basset as a worthy companion. I turned it on and it was about halfway over. I had seen it before so I wasn’t lost but I still wanted to see the movie in its entirety. I made a mental note to try and catch the movie again after it was over.
And now repeat that paragraph about 15 more times over 4 days.
I know that makes me sound like the Commander of the Slug Army but I did other things during the day. However, when I came back to watch some TV “I, Robot” was on and I was at the same part every damn time.
I own this movie on DVD and I could have easily put it in my DVD player and watched it.
But fuck that. It is on like Donkey Kong with me and HBO. It is a game between me and the programmers at that station now. They know when I am sleeping, they know when I am awake and they know how to offer alternative programming to lure me away from watching a complete viewing of “I, Robot.”
I will be victorious in my quest.
Or I might just let people pelt me with rotten fruit and call me a loser.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Random Acts of Shifeness

Here is the latest batch of stuff that has left a mark on my grey matter.
  • I am hurt that most of you are like Mrs. Shife and think I tripped because I saw a hot chick. OK, I am not really hurt. It would have made more sense if it was a hottie wearing boob-hugging spandex, but I swear on Quincy’s long, velvety ears that it was a male jogger. And unless I drank myself gay over the weekend, I usually don’t get excited about men. Unless it is Christian Bale and then I might try out for the other team.
  • We have to run 8 miles this weekend so I might have to wear the blinders they give horses so I don’t have another Urkel moment as someone pointed out in the comments.
  • Having two nieces and two nephews in our house last weekend makes me no closer to a decision about wanting kids. Some days yes, some days no. I don’t know what we are going to do. I am thinking adopting a Swedish teenage girl might be our best option.
  • Speaking of the little ones, I watched more than my fair share of Dora the Explorer, Blue’s Clues, The Backyardigans, and the Wonder Pets last week. Really great stuff. I know all about teamwork now.
  • Sorry Mack, but Duke went down last night and it was a beautiful thing.
  • Speaking of hoops, I still don’t know how Gonzaga blew that game last night. It was there for the taking and they choked.
  • If you have not had the opportunity to see the movie “V for Vendetta” then you need to get your ass to the theatre. It is way cool. I know it is only the movies but can you imagine if the people really realized that we have the power. Like the movie said, “The people should not be afraid of the government, the government should be afraid of the people.”
  • Did anyone watch the season finale of “The Shield?” I wasn’t surprised who got killed but the way it happened was shocking.
  • Holy crap! We got a new episode of “Lost” this week and we got another one next week.

    That’s all folks, have a great weekend.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

I Am A Dork

Last Saturday I had the wonderful pleasure of running 7 miles for my half-marathon training. It was a cold, blistery day but the course was nice as it took us along the Greenbelt, which links over 850 acres of parks and natural areas along the Boise River. We live in a pretty friendly town and everyone says hello and good morning as you pass each other on the course.
After about mile 6, I am feeling good. I am saying hi to everyone, there is a spring in my step, and I am thinking how cool I am. (Disclaimer: The following sentences are a dramatic re-creation of my stream of consciousness while I was running.) I just pulled off an awesome surprise party for Mrs. Shife which makes me the best husband ever and life is pretty good since our families are in town. We are going to have a great weekend. What are we going to do? I want to go to the movies. I can’t wait to see V for Vendetta. It is going to be A for Awesome. Oh here comes another jogger – should I wave and say hello or should I just wave? Maybe I should just say good morning? I think I will say good morning and wave. Yeah, I have not done that yet. Or I could say good morning and give thumbs up. Now that would be impressive. But is it too much? OK, here he comes. “Good morning” and a wave and OH NO, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I DID NOT JUST TRIP AND FALL. Holy shit this is embarrassing. Are you kidding me? I did not just trip and fall while I was saying good morning to a fellow jogger. Oh but I did, and you have the scuffed knees and hands to prove it.
I get up quickly and assure the fellow jogger that I am OK.
And I laugh at myself as I finish my run.
The first question Mrs. Shife asks me when I tell her the story is "What was she wearing?"
I just figure someone up above was just giving me a friendly reminder that maybe I should not be so full of myself and I needed a reality check.
Either that or I am just a dork.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Surprise, Surprise

Hello everybody. Just in case you were wondering I have been off the reservation for the last few days. Mrs. Shife and I have had family in town since last Thursday and I took a few days off to enjoy their company.
I know what you are thinking, what color underwear is he wearing? Black. Thanks for thinking of me in my underwear. I swear every time I start blogging with you this happens. Get your mind out of the gutter.
OK let’s get back to business.
We had family in town for a surprise birthday party for Mrs. Shife. I am sorry I couldn’t tell you about it but I had to keep it a surprise. Anyway I have been planning this for months and it was difficult keeping it a secret from my lovely wife. And I am still not sure how I did it because she is one smart lady. Mrs. Shife came home from work Friday and I told her we needed to go out to a bar for a drink to celebrate her birthday and I had to tell her something. She was suspicious because I had been acting funny that day so I needed to distract her so I wouldn’t blow the secret. We get to the bar and I told her I got promoted at work and they wanted me to move to Chicago. This is a possibility because my company has an office there and my family lives in Illinois so Mrs. Shife knows I might want to move there. She buys the fib and we discuss the pros and cons of moving to Chicago, and I must say that I could have been an actor because I put on one helluva performance. After a lengthy discussion about Chicago, I finally get the call from the family that Operation Mrs. Shife is in place and we can bring home the victim. We head home and she walks into the house to be surprised by 16 relatives. It was awesome, and I have been told by Mrs. Shife that I am going to be nominated for husband of the year. I just figure I am going to get a kick-ass birthday present next month.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Random Acts of Shifeness

Well the madness has begun and I am busy trying to keep track of my 37 different brackets. Yes, 37. I know I have a problem. I think some survey estimated $3.6 billion in worker productivity will be lost during the tournament and I am doing my part to contribute. But I did manage to come up with some more unsystematic thoughts.

  • Happy Birthday to Mrs. Shife tomorrow. She turns the big 30. I think the fact that she has been involved with yours truly for nearly 10 years is a bigger accomplishment but enough about me. Happy Birthday, my lovely wife, you are the best.
  • I watched “A History of Violence” yesterday, and I was a little disappointed. The movie got a lot of rave reviews but I just didn’t see it. It was OK but I don’t think it was worth such lofty praise.
  • My Final Four picks – Iowa, Ohio State, UConn, and Memphis.
  • I experienced the smell of dead mice for the first time in my life. The wedding we attended last weekend was at a small country church. Some of those little rodents decided to take up residence in the walls and floor and then die. Not a good smell at all.
  • The reception for the wedding was held at a farm’s shop and if you had to relieve yourself there was an outhouse. No big deal, but it was late so they put a giant spotlight inside the outhouse for lighting. There are just some places that should not get a lot of light – outhouses, strip clubs, and adult bookstores are a few places that come to mind.
  • The Sopranos returned with a bang. It was a great episode to start the new season.
  • The Shield’s season finale is Tuesday, and it is going to be an interesting episode. And after watching last week’s show, I will never think of sweet butter the same way.
  • I am looking forward to seeing “V for Vendetta.”
  • I am not looking forward to seeing “Basic Instinct 2.” As a matter of fact, I am not going to see it at all. Seeing Sharon Stone naked 14 years later is not worth the price of admission and I am pretty sure the plot of this film will not make the Mensa society jealous.
  • I love baseball, but my love for the sport is starting to wane. I am just having a hard time getting excited about this upcoming season.
  • I almost forgot. Someone asked about our half-marathon training and we are up to 7 miles this week.

Have a great weekend.

March Madness

I figure all of you have succumbed to March Madness by now so you might not do too well on this quiz. But try it anyway because it is fun, and I promise I won’t call you a big dumb doodie head.

This is based on U.S. info, so use all lobes of your brain. This can be more difficult than it looks - it just shows how little most of us really see! There are 25 questions about things we see every day or have known about all our lives. How many can you get right? These little simple questions are harder than you think -- it just shows you how little we pay attention to the commonplace things of life. Can you beat 20?? (the average is 7) Write down your answers as you go. Check your answers at the bottom after completing all the questions.

1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?
2. How many states are there in the USA? (Don't laugh, some people don't know)
3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch?
4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label?
5. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them?
6. When you walk does your left arm swing with your right or left leg?
7. How many matches are in a standard pack?
8. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white?
9. What is the lowest number on the FM dial?
10. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise?
11. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run?
12. How many channels on a VHF TV dial?
13 On which side of a women's blouse are the buttons?
14. Which way do fans rotate?
15 How many sides does a stop sign have?
16. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side?
17. How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel?
18. How many sides are there on a standard pencil?
19. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing?
20. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?
21 On which playing card is the card maker's trademark?
22 On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the opening between the slats?
23. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no digits?
24. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip?
25. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise?

1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom? BOTTOM
2. How many states are there in the USA? (Don't laugh, some people don't know) 50
3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch? RIGHT
4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label? BLUE, RED, WHITE, YELLOW, BLACK & GOLD
5. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them? 1, 0
6. When you walk does your left arm swing with your right or left leg? RIGHT
7. How many matches are in a standard pack? 20
8. On the United States flag ! is the top stripe red or white? RED
9. What is the lowest number on the FM dial? 88
10. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise? CLOCKWISE (NORTH OF THE EQUATOR)
11. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run? TOWARDS BOTTOM RIGHT
12. How many channels on a VHF TV dial? 12 (no #1)
13 On which side of a women's blouse are the buttons? LEFT
14. Which way do fans rotate? CLOCKWISE AS YOU LOOK AT IT
15. How many sides does a stop sign have? 8
16. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side? LEFT
17. How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel? 5
18. How many sides are there on a standard pencil? 6
19. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing? BASHFUL
20. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package? 8
21. On which playing card is the card maker's trademark? ACE OF SPADES
22. On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the opening between the slats? LEFT
23. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no digits? *, #
24. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip? 3
25. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise? COUNTER

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Good Vibrations

As kids, we were taught some basic rules to keep us on the straight and narrow. Don't chew gum in class. Don't put the cat in the dryer. And, of course, don't leave your purple vibrator in the middle of the road.

That’s right folks. Somebody evidently forgot the ever-important rule about never leaving your battery-operated boyfriend on a strip of land, smoothed or otherwise prepared to allow easier travel.

So what triggered this public service announcement?
Well Mrs. Shife was walking down the road from our house getting ready for an evening jog when she heard a buzzing sound. Her initial reaction was to look around in people’s yards because everyone knows that is where you keep your mechanical device that is designed to generate vibrations. Well the buzzing got louder and she still could not see where it was coming from … then she looked down. Smack dab in the middle of the street was a purple vibrator gyrating along the gravel for no other reason than to make my wife giggle for 10 minutes. After she composed herself and bid farewell to Deep Purple, Mrs. Shife went for a run and upon her return the device was longer calling our street its home.

After my lovely wife shared this lovely anecdote with me, my first reaction was “Bull Shit” but then I thought there is no way she makes up something like this and I just started laughing as I imagined her making this shocking discovery.

I am not sure if Monday night was Purple Vibrator Liberation Day or if it was sent from the future by a group of individuals spreading love through sexual aides or maybe some kids were just playing a practical joke.

We may never know why a purple vibrator made its way into our lives but we will never forget the joy it brought us.

Good luck wherever you are purple vibrator.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Greeting Cards Gone Wild

Here are a few greeting cards that you probably won't be reading in the stores anytime soon. And sorry about the delay between posts but I was out of town for a wedding and I am nursing a world-class hangover. I just love getting older.

  • My tire was thumping.
    I thought it was flat
    When I looked at the tire...
    I noticed your cat.
  • Violets are blue
    Roses are red
    I can’t believe your son
    Likes to give head
  • I don't mean to be mean,
    But yo mama needs Listerine,
    Not a sip,
    Not a swallow,
    But the whole damn bottle.
  • Looking back over the years that we've been together,
    I can't help but wonder...
    "What the hell was I thinking?"
    Congratulations on your wedding day!
    Too bad no one likes your husband.
  • How could two people as beautiful as you
    Have such an ugly baby?
  • I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love
    After having met you...
    I've changed my mind.
  • I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
    I never believed in Hell until I met you. !
  • As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
    That you're not here to ruin it for me.
  • Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go...
    Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
    You'll probably need it again.
  • Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
    (Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)
  • Happy birthday!
    You look great for your age.
    Almost Lifelike!
  • When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
    Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
  • We have been friends for a very long time...
    let's say we stop.
  • I'm so miserable without you it's almost like you're here.
  • Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
    Did you ever find out who the father was?
  • Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday
    So we're having you put to sleep.
  • So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.
    Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Random Acts of Shifeness

Here is another edition of randomness that has found a home in my brain and I am now unleashing into the wild.
  • OK, I am about to go batshit insane if I see another teenage girl with her underwear hanging out of her ass. Spent some time at the mall recently and whale tails everywhere. New rule: If you see them, then either take a pair of scissors to them or give them a power wedgie.
  • Another sign that I am getting older -- I floss and take my vitamins on a regular basis. My mom would be so proud.
  • What do woman's cleavage, a large facial mole, a couple making out in the public, and the sun have in common? You should avoid staring at them.
  • I love Ryan Reynolds as much as a man can love another man without being gay. I just saw Mr. Van Wilder's latest movie, "Just Friends." Even though the movie is not the greatest, he is the man. I loved him ever since I saw him in "Two Guys and a Girl" and I will not never ever stop loving him.
  • If anyone enjoys war films check out Tae Guk Gi: The Brotherhood of War. It is awesome.
  • March Madness is here. I would love to see my Tar Heels repeat but I just think they are too young. My pick is UConn -- write it down.
  • Going to a wedding this weekend, and I believe I will be taking advantage of the complimentary adult beverages. I haven't tied one on in awhile and I am way overdue.
  • This is so funny -- UFC, Ultimate Fighting Cats. And don't worry no cats were harmed.
  • Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw". They are all common. Name two of them.
  • It is impossible to lick your elbow.

Have a great weekend everybody.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Things That Make You Go Hmmmm

Some of you may have seen these before and some of you may have not.
But it is interesting nonetheless so enjoy.

  • Ever wonder about those people who spend a couple of bucks on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
  • Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
  • So if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and theTampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
  • If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that someone enjoys it?
  • There are three religious truths:
    a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
    b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
    c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
  • If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people fromHolland called Holes?
  • Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
  • If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
  • Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stalebread to begin with?
  • Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
  • If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
  • If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
  • Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
  • What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
  • I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me .....they're crammingfor their final exam.
  • If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
  • You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
  • Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
  • Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
  • As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put thetwo words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Everything You Wanted to Know About Farts and More

First off, thank you to everyone for their kind words and understanding.
I am going to do my best to be out here blogging as much as I possibly can, and to clarify to everyone, I am not quitting blogging but the frequency of my blogging will decrease. Conversely, the title of my latest post is about a subject that appears to have increased for me.
I just seem to be more gassed up than a Greyhound bus lately and I don't know why.
Maybe I am swallowing too much aggression.
Anyway I did some research and found some interesting fart facts
that I am going to share with you today.
  • An average fart is composed of about 59 percent nitrogen, 21 percent hydrogen, 9 percent carbon dioxide, 7 percent methane, and 4 percent oxygen. Less than 1 percent of its makeup is what makes a fart stink.
  • The temperature of a fart at its time of creation is 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit.
  • Farts have been clocked at a speed of 10 feet per second.
  • If you fart and a little bit of poo comes out that is known as sharting.
  • A person produces about half a liter of farts a day.
  • What types of farts are there? Thank goodness for The Fart Dictionary.
  • Other words for fart can be found here at The Fart Thesarus.
  • Why does a dog's fart smell so bad? Here is your answer. A carnivore's protein-rich diet produces relatively small amounts of intensely stinky gas because proteins contain lots of sulfur. A dog's or cat's farts are rarely audible, but the odor is overwhelming. Biologists have been asked why dogs and cats generally fart silently, and their theories include: (1) the amount of gas produced is small, but potent, (2) the horizontal orientation of their gastrointestinal system puts less pressure on the anal opening, so the gas is expelled more slowly, (3) their anal sphincters don't close as tightly as humans' because it takes less force to hold in the contents of the colon -- again because of the horizontal orientation of the gastrointestinal system -- and a loose anus makes less sound, and, my favorite (4) dogs and cats don't feel embarrassed about farting, so their sphincters are more relaxed, leading to less noisy flatulence.
  • Women fart as much as men.
  • The gas that makes your farts stink is the hydrogen sulfide gas. This gas contains sulfur, which is the smelly component. The more sulfur-rich your diet, the more your farts will stink. Some foods that cause really smelly farts include beans, cabbage, cheese, eggs, and soda.
  • Most people pass gas about 14 times per day.
  • Farts are flammable so you can ignite farts.
  • Believe it or not, the animal that wins this honor of farting the is the humble termite. Because of their diet and digestive processes (with more than the usual microbial assistance), they produce as much methane as human industry. Termite farts are believed to be a major contributor towards global warming.
  • And finally the answer to the age-old question that has plagued mankind: Can you capture a fart in a jar and save it for later use? It should be theoretically possible to do this, but there would be lots of logistical problems. I would suggest using a plastic bag instead of a jar. You might try the following as a science fair experiment:
    Fart into several plastic bags and seal them carefully. Then fill several other plastic bags with ordinary air. Wait 24 hours. Then get volunteers to smell the contents of the bags to see if they can correctly identify which ones contain the farts. This should tell you if it is possible to store a fart in any useful way.
    Here is one way to capture a fart in a jar. Do it in the bathtub while bathing. Fill the jar with bath water and then hold it with the open end downward. Lean back in the bathtub so that your fart bubbles will emerge in front of you rather than behind you where you can't see them. Catch the bubbles in the jar, and put the lid on the jar while it's still underwater. This way, you capture a fairly pure fart uncontaminated by atmospheric air. To enjoy your captured fart to the fullest extent, make sure that your jar does not already smell like whatever was it it before, like pickles or peanut butter.

I hope you enjoyed some insight on farts.
Now go out there and break wind in somone's general direction.

Friday, March 03, 2006

A Change in Cabin Pressure

Well I have some bad news.
It looks like I will have to cut back on my blogging due to some personal and work-related issues. Everything is fine, but the time I devote to this hobby of mine will be seriously reduced.
I don't know how often I am going to be able to post and I don't know how often I will be able to visit your blog. My philosophy on blogging has always been to return the favor. If you visit my blog, I will visit your blog. This will not change, but the frequency will. I was able to make daily visits to many of your blogs but that is not going to happen in the immediate future. I am probably going to make it out to your blog once or twice a week for now.
I love blogging with each and every one of you, but my family and job are the top priorities in my life right now.
I hope you understand, and I hope you continue to stop by and say hello. And I will do my best to return the favor.

Have a great weekend.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Random Acts of Shifeness

I am liking the post where I spill out my brains to all my unsuspecting readers so much that I am going to try and do it once a week. So welcome to the first official edition of Random Acts of Shifeness.

  • I am way overdue for a visit to the washer and dryer. I am down to my third-string underwear. What am I talking about? Well I figure everyone has first-string underwear. The panties that you always grab and throw on no matter the occasion. Well I have run out of those, so I looked at the bench and starting wearing the undies that get some play but they are not my favorites. Well I am out of those too. I am wearing the last-ditch cotton scrubs that are buried in the bottom of my drawer. So I like to say I am wearing my third-string or walk-on underwear.
  • And you might be thinking why doesn’t your wife do your laundry? Well because I do my own laundry and it is 2006. The wife of Shife and I have been together almost 9 years but we don’t share laundry. She does hers, and I do mine.
  • I am starting off the month by visiting the dentist. Oh boy I am so excited. It shouldn’t be a big deal because it is just a cleaning but I want to get my money’s worth so I will be eating Oreos and Cheetos shortly before my appointment.
  • Speaking of dentists, I love it when they are working on your choppers and then they ask you a question. I personally find it rather difficult to enunciate when they have their fingers jammed down my mouth.
  • Anyone else disturbed by how fast bird flu is spreading?
  • Mrs. Shife and I finally saw “Brokeback Mountain” this past weekend. A lot of buzz created from the gay cowboys but I was never really truly inspired to see the film. I don’t know if I am too liberal or if I watched too much “Six Feet Under” but seeing two men in love doesn’t make me squirm nor do I view it as groundbreaking. I think Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal did great jobs but the story was not that interesting in my opinion. I feel if you made that same story about a man and women in a forbidden romance it would have sucked. Just my two cents.

Have a lovely day, and please remember that you should not run with scissors.