Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Holy Shirts!

I like you very much. And I know you like me too. But do you like me enough to give me the shirt off your back. Well if you do that is awesome; I really appreciate it. But I am kind of a snob and to tell you the truth I am also kind of a big deal so I will only accept the shirts with the following messages.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

More Random Acts of Shifeness

  • Do you ever look at your feet and wonder if they could become part-time foot models?

  • I saw “Cloverfield.” It was pretty good, but if you have a problem with motion sickness this is not the movie for you. And I was sad to see that people actually spent money to watch “Meet the Spartans” I guess can’t be too critical because when I was a teenager I was watching stuff like “I’m Gonna Git You Sucka.” I am officially old now.

  • Politics rarely makes it way on to this blog mainly because I think most politicians are self-serving ass hats. I am always optimistic someone will change that opinion of mine. I hope Barack Obama is that guy.

  • When did ESPN becoming Entertainment Tonight? Stories about Tom Brady’s ankle or where Tony Romo spent his vacation. Here is the deal ESPN I don’t need any more verbal foreplay – you have sealed the deal. Less talk, more action. Just drop your pants and show me some highlights.

  • How do you know when fish goes bad? Does it start to smell funny?

  • Pig roasts are so sad because you know when the pig died – trying to eat an apple.

  • Steak is the tuxedo of meats and bologna is its retarded cousin. When you eat steak you feel special, and when you eat bologna you might be special. (Thank you Jim Gaffigan – you are one funny, pale dude)

  • Super Bowl Sunday – so who are you pulling for? I am rooting for the Giants, but I am also rooting for some awesome commercials. Will the Careerbuilder monkeys be back? One can only hope. I love those damn monkeys.

  • Bare balls bareback – great band name or gymnastics maneuver?

  • Anyone been on a Duck Hunt? He has been missing for a little bit now, and so has Phats. Maybe they are hanging out together exchanging lasagna recipes. Or maybe they have relocated to New Jersey to hang out with some of these dudes. Seriously these dudes are whack jobs.

  • Wednesday, January 23, 2008

    Random Acts of Shifeness

    • Yo gets punched in the neck if he sees Rambo this weekend. I heard on a grammar podcast that Yo is the perfect gender-neutral singular pronoun. Google it – Do it yo!

    • I am trying to be the official white guy of the MLS (Major League Soccer). I guess they are already have an official cracker.

    • Last year I asked for your thoughts on my softball team name. It came down to Scared Hitless and With Ourselves (who do we play this week? Let’s see we have to play with ourselves.) I went with Scared Hitless, and everyone loved it but it turned out that 4 other teams liked it as well. So I need a new team name because I want to be original, and the winner so far is McGlovin’. If you saw “Superbad” then you know my inspiration.

    • I swear to fat, ambidextrous midgets if they want to discover alien life forms then they just need to send me to space. I will fart and someone will appear. It happens all the time. I am just hanging out minding my own business with no one around me, and I feel it is OK to release some low-flying ducks into the stratosphere. Well no sooner than I say to myself “wow that really smells like burnt hair wrapped in Indian food” does someone walk into the area.

    • Does anybody DIGG – let me know and we can be friends there too.

    • I like to poop at work. Do you? Well I have a few good reasons but none of them beats this one.

    • Did I miss something in driver’s ed? Can someone please explain the benefits of backing into a parking spot? In the grand scheme of things, does the time negotiating the vehicle backwards into the parking spot really save you time when you leave? If I park backwards am I cooler? Do I get a free hand job at the local topless home improvement store (Yes I know there is no such place but wouldn’t you rather buy your lawn accessories at such a place) the 10th time I do it?

    Friday, January 18, 2008

    Captain Miserable

    Do you know who that follicly-challenged gentleman is? Well, he is funny, and his name is Dave Attell. Dave recently performed a comedy special on HBO in which he enlightened and entertained me and I imagine millions of others. Dave had a great idea and I would like to share it with my beloved blog readers.

    Ideas for Jagermeister commercials:

    #1 -- A guy comes out of a hedge. He is covered in mud and blood. He is holding one high-heeled shoe.
    "Did I just eat a stripper?"


    #2 -- A little girl is sitting on the swing - not swinging. A tear rolls down her cheek.
    "Where's Daddy?"


    #3 -- A guy, let's call him me, is screwing the left eye of a pumpkin. OK. If that pumpkin didn't want it why was it smiling at me.


    I don't know if any of you have had the pleasure of drinking too much Jagermeister, but I have done it several times, and those commercial ideas are not that far-fetched. There are usually some wild and crazy shenanigans involved when someone breaks out that green bottle. So be careful out there. I don't what you ending up shivering on the roof of a gay bar sucking on what you hope is an icicle.

    Tuesday, January 15, 2008

    Things that make you go hmmmm

    Words fail me this week, but I was able to find some really great quotes from some really great people. If you can guess who said what you might think you win a prize or something but you won’t. Sorry. I am a cheap bastard, and I need to save all my money for my upcoming night out.

    • Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.

    • When God gives you AIDS - and God does give you AIDS, by the way - make lemonAIDS.

    • Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

    • A recent police study found that you’re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

    • Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there’s your diamond in the rough.

    • Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them is making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?

    • Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

    • Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don’t need

    • Here’s how bizarre the war is that we’re in Iraq, and we should have known this right from the get-go: When we first went into Iraq, Germany didn’t want to go. Germany. The Michael Jordan of war took a pass.

    • There’s a phrase we live by in America: “In God We Trust”. It’s right there where Jesus would want it: on our money.

    • I’ve always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can’t judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book?

    • Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

    • Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

    • If you are out to describe the truth, leave elegance to the tailor.

    Wednesday, January 09, 2008

    Do you understand the words coming out of my mouth?

    Everyone needs a relationship translator. I hope this helps somebody out there.

    What women say: "Do I look fat in this?"
    What men hear:
    "Do I look fat in this?"

    What women really mean: "I don't give a drunken midget's ass if I can't zip up these jeans all the way, you'd better tell me I look amazing in this outfit."

    What women say: "We can watch football tonight."
    What men hear: "We can watch football tonight."

    What women really mean: "You know that Grey's Anatomy is on. You also know that the Cardinals are going to lose. If you get up to use the bathroom, I'm going to change the channel and hide the remote."

    What women say: "I love you."
    What men hear: "I want you to buy me something."

    What women really mean: "You'd better marry me and get a real job so that I don't have to work anymore."

    What women say: "What do you have planned today?"
    What men hear: "What do you have planned today?"

    What women really mean: "Why don't you get off your fat ass and come shopping with me for four hours."

    What women say: "Get out of here! I hate you!"
    What men hear: "I am releasing you from your indentured servitude early. Now good riddance, faithful servant!"

    What women really mean: "You have pissed me off royally, so I'm going to throw all of your shit in the yard and avoid you for a week. Then, as soon as you start to move on, I'm going to tempt you back to me with my enormous breasts."

    Friday, January 04, 2008

    Consumer Reports

    I have occasionally joked on this blog that I might have drank myself retarded. Well I think I know where the people that actually have accomplished this exploit now earn their money – they write directions or instructions on consumer products.

    First example, I bought some nasal spray. I am pretty sure I have the concept of how a nasal spray works under control, but just in case I did have a Britney moment the directions are there to bring me back to reality.

    “DIRECTIONS: With head in an upright position, (Upright? No kidding - thank you Captain Obvious. Are nasal sprays secretly owned by the airlines? Because planes can’t land or take off if seatbacks are not in their full upright position) put spray tip in nostril.” (Thanks for telling me where to put the spray tip. If I had a nickel for every time I have mistaken my nostril for my penis … .)

    Maybe I am being a little too judgmental or literal when I read these instructions but there are more out there.

    On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (Really? You mean I can’t use these lights in my underwater sea cave to celebrate the holidays with my Mermaid and Manatee friends?)

    On an American Airlines packet of nuts: “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.” (You know what is weird? I think this is what my friend had monogrammed on his underwear)

    On a Swedish chainsaw: “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.”
    (Damn it, they just don’t make Swedish chainsaws like they use to.)

    Tuesday, January 01, 2008

    It is over 2007

    Dear 2007,

    Not a day passes that you don't tell me how important I am or how much you love me, but those are just words. What I need are actions that convey how you can't live without me and would do anything to keep me. I need someone loony-bin, arsonist crazy about me. Someone willing to do anything and everything to keep me.

    2007, that's just not you. While it does feel like you love me, it's not a smothering, obsessive, borderline psychotic love. It’s more of an unneurotic, trusting, open-mouthed love with luke-warm infatuation at best. There's no jealousy, no vindictiveness, no sense of possession. For christ sake, you haven't even given me a cell phone so you can call me when you need something important: Like knowing where I am all the time. Trust is nice, but is paranoia too much to ask in a relationship?

    Honestly, 2007, in the 365 days that we have been together, how many times have you bashed a beer bottle over the head of some bitch who made eye contact with me or accidentally brushed against me as they passed? Or pepper sprayed an overfriendly sales clerk? I'll tell you how many times, the same number of times you tattooed my name in cursive on your pudgy little butt: None.

    Sure, you'll probably cry over our breakup, be heartbroken for a month, but that's not good enough. The year for me would call, start crying and begging to get back together. When that didn't work the year would threaten me, immediately apologize, and offer me money, jewelry, deviant sex or anything else I wanted to get back together.

    2007, I'm not asking you to kill yourself if you lose me, but a half-hearted effort of washing a package of Dexatrim down with a bottle of Nyquil so you at least would have to get your stomach pumped would be a nice gesture.

    Jesus, 2007, you just don’t get it do you? I hope we can be friends.

    Mr. Shife

    P.S. Enclosed are some chocolates - no hard feelings. Just go ahead and eat them.