Thursday, February 28, 2008

A Bug's Life

Are you familiar with this nursery rhyme?

Good night, sleep tight,
Don’t let the bed bugs bite.
And if they do
Then take your shoe
And beat them ‘til
They’re black and blue!

Well guess what. Bed bugs do more than bite under your 400 count Egyptian cotton sheets. There is a full-on sex party going on down there.

I find the weirdest stuff on the Web but this is one of my top finds. I would expect to see in the near future a movie on the Sci-Fi channel starring the two Coreys, Vanilla Ice, and what’s left of the Facts of Life girls about a mutant bed bug who likes himself some serious S & M.

Huh? I know it is very confusing. Well let me try and shed some light on what the hell I am talking about.

It turns out that male bed bugs are not big into the whole courting scene. No poems, flowers, or dinner and a movie with these little bastards. They like to get to business time immediately. As a matter of fact they are so ready to go from zero to sexy time that they do not even bother finding the female’s genitalia. Evidently at one of the male bed bug conventions they just said the hell with finding Mt. Poonani and let’s try out something called “traumatic insemination.” Sounds like a fun Saturday night, huh?

The male bed bugs don’t care if the female wants to do the horizontal monster mash or not because they just want to bust their little bug nuts. So the male bed bug basically just stabs a random hole in her abdomen with his penis and then inseminates her. I am not really friendly with bed bugs or bed bug scientists so I am not sure if “traumatic” refers to the sex act or the fact that a male bed bug is packing a Black and Decker Power Drill between his six legs.

I think we need to update that nursery rhyme.

Good night, sleep like a lump,
Don’t let the bedbugs have a harrowing hump.
But if they do
Your sheets are going to be full of bug spunk
And you might be upset, perhaps a little sad
I would recommend getting really drunk!

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Picture time with Mr. Shife

Look what I found.

There is so much love about this image but my favorite part has to be: "Cougar model includes built-in bottle opener."

This is a bathroom sign in Japan. I love the stick-man penis in the top right image. And the bottom two are crazy funny. No fishing and no pilates?

Poor Grandma. First the reindeer ran over her ass over and now the remote is out to get her.

It was only a matter of time before Clifford's lipstick taught the kiddies a nice little lesson.

Phats is that you?

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Dropping Deuces

I had a bad Monday. I fully expected to have my ear drum molested by a rabid squirrel before the clock struck midnight.

Where to begin? It was Monday, work sucked, traffic sucked, the weather sucked, and my dog dropped not one, not two, but three piles of poop in our bedroom.

Quincy, aka the Mad Crapper, was locked in our bedroom yesterday because we were having some work done to the house. We thought the fat basset would be OK. I took him out in the morning, and then Mrs. Shife came home at lunch to take care of him. But evidently between 1 pm and 5 pm it is business time for my beloved hound dog and he had to unload the manure spreader.

Maybe he plans a bowel movement during the afternoon and we screwed it up for him. Maybe he likes to go out when the sunlight has fully engulfed our back yard, take care of business, and then do some light reading. Maybe it is good way for him to unwind and get some peace and quiet before I come home. So maybe it is my fault and I postponed his previously scheduled deuce.

I would like to think that Shitter McCanine held it as long as he could. Did he feel the ache? The abdominal pain? Were sweat beads forming on his furry forehead? Did he clench his cheeks to keep the levees from breaking at all? Did he wonder if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking? Did he contemplate crapping in one of my shoes just to make it less of a mess?

I will never know what truly happened on that February afternoon.
And that’s OK.
As I was picking up Quincy’s poo parade, I just looked into his big brown eyes and sang him a little Bryan Adams:

Look into my eyes - you will see
What you mean to me
Search your heart - search your soul
And when you find me there you'll search no more

Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for
You know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • So is it wrong that when I babysit I change the parental controls to only the adult channels and I block Nickelodeon and PBS?

  • Do you need a new excuse to call in sick? Try this one.
    I have a case of anal glaucoma.
    What the hell is anal glaucoma?
    I can't see my ass coming into work today.

  • I am going to punch a Olive Garden hostess in the neck if I see another promo or trailer for the movie “Vantage Point.” I figure the hostess will not get to mad at me because when I am there I am family.

  • The best name ever for a furniture store.

  • Have you been to a McDonalds lately? I swear it is like the modern-day version of the circus sideshow performers aka known as the freak shows. There are giants, midgets, bearded ladies, and Jo Jo the dog faced boy just loving it in their Golden Arches uniforms.

  • Here are some politically correct items about women:
    She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
    She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
    She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
    She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

  • Here are some politically correct items about men:
    He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
    He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
    He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
    He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
    It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."

Saturday, February 09, 2008

Are you a rock star?

I wish I could take credit for this but I can't. Well I guess I could and you probably would not care but then I would feel really guilty and probably would not be able to sleep at night. Then before you now it is 5 days without sleep for Mr. Shife and I am saying things to my postman like "Isn’t it time you faced up to certain realities, Mr. Postman? Come on. You’re a very attractive postman. You’re smart, you’ve got wonderful bones, great eyes and you dress really interestingly.”
So I must give credit where credit is due. Thank you Dr. Kenneth Noisewater and Julie Gong.

Just follow these simple directions to come up with your own imaginary band's first album cover and title

The random article title is the name of your band.

The last four words of the very last quote is your album name.

The third picture, no matter what it is, is your album cover.

So below is my album cover and it would be titled "Shadowy Future without Fear." Oh and my band name is Danderhall.

You may have already played this game so you can just tell me some really cool music you have bought or downloaded lately.

Monday, February 04, 2008

Unsystematic Goings-On of Shifeness

  • OK that might be the worst title of a blog post ever. I have been doing a lot of Random Acts of Shifeness so I wanted to mix it up a little. A thesaurus can be dangerous in the wrong hands. Maybe they need to put a warning on that book. Something like with great power comes great responsibility. Or get on with it Mr. Shife you are being more painful than a date with a concrete dildo.

  • I have discovered two things on TV that I have become infatuated with - "The Flight of the Conchords" and "Rob & Big." Spend a little time on YouTube searching for these shows and you might LOL.

  • I got Obamarated this weekend. Barack paid a visit to my fair city and it was amazing. He may not be your guy but you owe it to yourself to hear the man speak. He is a dynamic and inspiring individual.

  • I swear on the fat basset being sandwiched between two Finnish dwarves and a Maori tribesmen that the first minute of "The Final Countdown" is the greatest music ever to my ears.

  • And just in case you are not sure that one guy you know is a douche bag this should really help you out:

  • I really appreciate you stopping by. In the immortal words of Elvis ... "Thank you, thank you very much."