Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Another List

10. Thank you for all the birthday present suggestions for Baby Shife. There were some great ideas and I think we are all set for the little man's big day. Our next dilemma is trying to figure out to how to decorate his cake. Right now the leader is his favorite stuffed animal, Skipper the Penguin from Madagascar. Or we might just go with some boobs. He seems to like those a lot too.

9. I don't like chest hair. It was a huge roadblock when I was dating. You would be surprised how many girls have chest hair. Alright I don't like MY chest hair. I have been shaving my chest since I was 18. I actually waxed it once and the depiction in "40-Year-Old Virgin" is pretty accurate. It feels like your chest is getting ripped open. Very, very painful.

8. In two months I will be another year older, and I don't think I have ever admitted how old I am on this blog. Maybe I have but I don't recall doing it. I would be curious to know how old people think I am. Do I write younger or older?

7. I need ankle surgery and I am just waiting to hear back from the doctor on when it is going to happen. The doctor is booked for the next couple of weeks but I would like to get in sooner. The recovery time is about 4 weeks and softball is right around the corner so I want to be ready to go.

6. "Zombieland" was a pleasant surprise. However, I would not recommend eating dinner while you watch it.

5. I just had to check to see if it was Ambushed Paddington time but it looks like I am still doing OK in the searches - #3 on Google. I guess I will have to find something else to share with you from the Urban Dictionary, and you get weenis - it's actually the skin on your elbow. You can thank me later.

4. Thank you "Psych" for bringing the words, Filthy Pirate Hooker, to my attention. Right now I can't think of a better combination of three words. However "Shife wins Lottery" sounds OK.

3. One of my favorite things to do when I go back to the Midwest to visit family is to hit a Steak 'n Shake. I frickin' love that place. There are no Steak 'n Shakes where I call home so I have tried to fill the void with some other burger joints but nothing has satisfied me yet. Then I met Smashburger. Sweet sassy molassey. I frickin' love this place too. Steak 'n Shake will always be #1 but Smashburger is gaining fast.

2. How about a joke? Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, just before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.

The first one did not have anything to blot herself with, so she took her panties off, used them and discarded them. The second, not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a nearby flower wreath.

The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: "We have to
be on the look-out; it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties..." The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read, "We will never forget you."

1. And today you get special treat - video of Baby Shife. I hope everyone is able to watch it and enjoy a little snippet of life with the little man. As you will see in the video, he is becoming very self-aware and I almost think he plays it up for the camera. Anyway he is eating breakfast while I am in the kitchen warming up his bottle. Baby Shife is a very happy baby and like I have said a hundred times I just feel very blessed and fortunate to have such a special little guy. Have a great week.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Let's Try This Again

So filling in the blanks was not so much fun. It actually did turn out to be the opposite of fun. Man I should get into the psychic business. Have you read my theory on psychics? Well today is your lucky day because here it comes: You can be my psychic after you win the lottery. But you probably already knew that since you are psychic so go ahead and send me an email. I have a few questions I need answered.
Anyway thanks to those who participated. I feel like Lex Luthor. Speaking of good old Lex, if you are reading this blog here is a tip for you. If I were you, I'd would just send Superman a bunch of gift certificates to Taco Bell and let the magic of this fast food empire do the work for you. Never underestimate the power of explosive diarrhea.
Oh, here is another tip that is for everyone: If you have to pick up a friend at the airport during rush hour. An 'anonymous tip' should allow you to pick them up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
OK I guess I am going to have to come up with something original.
Dang it. Ooops. I mean yipeee and super duper and I am so happy I am going to crap out rainbows and piss sunshine. Wow. That sounded not nice. I need to go visit a pesticide service and get the crabs removed from my derriere. Check it out, I spelled derriere correctly on the first time. At least I got that going for me.
Does eating at a T.G.I. Fridays on a Wednesday tastes like lies? Wow. I am all over the place today. Looks like I picked the wrong day to quit sniffing glue. Well I guess I should get back on task and explain to you beloved readers what I need help with so here it goes ...

I need your suggestions. Baby Shife will be turning 1-year-old next month and I would love to hear from all of you on what you think a little man would like for a present. Mrs. Shife and I have some ideas but it doesn't hurt to have input from other folks who have been down this road. And to help with your creativity, here is one of my favorite pictures of him. He seems to be pretty proud of the fact that he just polished off a rice cracker - and the fat basset didn't get any of it. Maybe next time fat basset.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Fill In The Blanks

This should be fun. Or it could be the opposite of fun. I am going to write just a few words down to begin a story. Then your job is to add a few more words to the previous person to continue the story in whatever direction you want it to go. Wanna try? Come on. Do it. Do it. Do it.

Here goes:

Once upon a time,

P.S. I know I mailed it in this week - sorry - but I picked up a bad mood and just like herpes, it is the gift that keeps on giving. Long story short I have been battling with a doctor's office since last Thursday and it definitely has my velcro, multi-facted, tri-colored, double down, single cup, crotchless panties in a bunch.

P.S.S. Here is Desctuctocon posing as a sweet, innocent baby ...

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Rookie Dad Journal Highlights (January)

January 1 – Happy New Year!!!! Baby Shife rang in the New Year by giving himself another awesome bump on his forehead. He also got to break out a new wardrobe – the 9-month-old collection. The onesies fit him well but he is not filling out the pants yet.
January 3 – Another rookie parent mistake – taking your child to Buffalo Wild Wing’s on a Sunday during the NFL season. We got there and it was really, really loud. They had one game being blasted throughout the restaurant and you could barely hold a conversation with anyone. Then they have about 40 TVs flashing images so Baby Shife might have been a little over stimulated when he got home which led to him waking up in the middle of the night several times screaming and crying.
January 5 – 9-month-old checkup went OK but we need to beef up the baby. He only weighed 16 pounds so the doctor wants to see him again in a month to see if there is a health issue. I think part of the problem is that we quit giving him rice cereal in the morning and went with Cheerios instead so I think he will be fine once we start giving him the cereal again.
January 6 – Baby Shife pretended he was Quincy today by trying to go through the doggie door. He got about halfway out the door before I caught him. Good times.
January 8 – Baby Shife played a new game today – Throw all of your toys on the floor while you are at Costco. He thought it was especially amusing that his Daddy kept picking them up and putting them back in his car seat.
January 9 – We are teaching Baby Shife some basic baby sign language like milk, all done, eat, all done, and dog. The one for dog is to stick your tongue out and start panting. Well the little man has the noise down but he can’t stick his tongue out quite yet. It was pretty funny hearing some heavy panting below me before I realized what was happening. While I was at the computer desk, he was petting the dog on the floor making the dog sound.
January 13 – Somebody lost their phone privileges today. Baby Shife was playing with my phone – and the keyboard was locked – but he still managed to place an emergency call so I got a call from the Sheriff’s Office asking me if everything was OK because a 911 call was placed from my cell phone. Really nice.
January 14 – Baby Shife’s latest joie de vivre is playing with his food and then working it into his hair. Right now rice cereal seems to really give his hair the best lift and volume.
January 15 – I let Baby Shife watch about 30 seconds of “Blue’s Clues” just to see if he would be mesmerized. It did catch his eye but he did not fall under the mystical spell of Blue and there was no fussing when I turned it off.
January 16 – Baby Shife is getting adventurous with his climbing. He is using whatever he can find to reach newer heights in the house. We are in so much trouble when he starts walking. He is going to get into everything.
January 18 – We are trying a new approach with the little man to see if he will sleep better through the night. Baby Shife will go to bed a little later at night and I hope it works. Otherwise he is going to have to learn to fall back asleep the hard way and cry it out.
January 20 – I am going to go ahead and call it – His first words are “Ma, ma, ma.”
January 21 – I always feel joy when I walk into his room and he is up from his nap because he always greets me with a huge smile. Today was especially amusing as the little man had removed his pants and tossed them to the floor so he was just hanging out in his onesie smiling away when I came to get him.
January 22 – Baby Shife was standing in the kitchen and he took a step. It was a little, itty, bitty one but he took that first step. I am so screwed. I need a drink.
January 23 – Sometimes I just sit back and watch Baby Shife play with all of his toys, and I am just amazed and humbled by him. It sometimes seems surreal that I am his father and he is my baby boy.
January 24 – Baby Shife met my brother’s dog today and I don’t know if it is because he is used to seeing the fat basset in a constant state of unconsciousness but he was not a big fan of Tyrus. The dog is only a year old so he is full of energy and I think he scared Baby Shife a little bit. It was not cool seeing Baby Shife pouting a little bit and almost crying.
January 25 – Baby Shife is becoming more and more self-aware. He figured out to turn the TV and DVD player on and off, and he can open up the cabinets in the kitchen. Where in the heck am I going to hide my porn now?
January 26 – Baby Shife has been upset before mostly because he was hungry or tired but today he threw his first temper tantrum around me because I would not let him have the TV remote control.
January 27 – Baby Shife had a three-course meal today. Lasagna, green beans, and banana puffs complemented with a nice bottle of 2010 milk.
January 28 – I bestowed a new nickname on the big guy. Desctructocon. He transforms from a baby to a room redecorating machine leaving nothing but destruction in his path.
January 29 – Baby Shife found the Game Boy today along with the Wii remote control but he lost interest in them pretty fast and went back to his old toys.
January 30 – The later bedtime seems to be helping out baby boy and his sleeping pattern. Hopefully he will keep it up and give his momma a little more sleep.
January 31 – 10-months-old. Yay!!!

And here he is with his finger in his month playing with his new tooth.

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • Baby Shife has a lot of toys and some of those toys sing nursery rhymes. Well the one toy that has captured his imagination currently always sings Hickory Dickory Dock, and every time I hear it I just think of Andrew Dice Clay's version of the Mother Goose rhyme.
  • I am trying to meet my 2 books per year quota and right now I am in the middle of "Where Men Win Glory: The Odyssey of Pat Tillman" by Jon Krakauer. A very good read so far.
  • Happy Anniversary to the fat basset. As of January 31, 2010, we have been owned by Captain Furry Pants for 10 years. We have had our ups and downs with him, but I would not trade him for any dog in the world. He has been the best darn basset I could have ever asked for and he has provided a lifetime of wonderful memories.
  • If you just want to mess with somebody then try this one out on them. The next time someone asks you for directions instead of pointing with one finger use four fingers instead.
  • Here are some of my Twitter updates just in case you want to know what you have been missing:
    -- Nice quote about politicians, "Congress is more concerned with the next election than the next generation."
    -- To all of you wearing headsets at the gym ... we can hear your farts!
    -- I like to refer to masturbation as "Having myself at hello."
    -- There's a fine line between spending $16 at dollar draft happy hour and $3,000 in bail.
    -- More money spent on boob jobs & viagra than on Alzheimer's research! By 2040 the elderly will have perky jugs, stiff wieners & no clue why!
    -- Apparently Sesquipedalophobia is the fear of long words. This must be a cruel joke on those looking up their illness.

And here is a photo of the cutest 10-month-old baby boy I know: