Monday, April 21, 2008

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • I think Quincy my beloved and husky basset hound might work for the IRS. Evidently he didn’t think we paid enough in taxes so he thought it would be a good idea to visit the Pet ER last Friday at 4 in the morning. Everything turned out OK, but 6 doggie x-rays and other miscellaneous items are not cheap.
  • The fat basset has offered to help pay for some of the costs by selling bumper stickers. He thinks “Masturbation Kills Sperm” or “Sometimes When I am Alone I Google Myself” or “Sodomize Poverty” will be wicked bestsellers. If interested send him an e-mail:
  • It is official now. Dane Cook's career is circling the drain. I really enjoyed his stand-up comedy. But now that he has decided to become a movie star I don't find him too funny. Never saw "Good Luck Chuck" but it looked atrocious. Now he has a new film coming out called "My Best Friend's Girl" and it looks pretty bad. He is stinking filthy rich so I am sure he doesn't care but it sucks when someone you like turns into a turd cutter.
  • Do you ever accidently eat funky charms for breakfast or is it just a Monday?
  • The best phrase I have heard in the past 72 hours: I am going to scale Mount Rushmore and dick slap Thomas Jefferson.
  • Rest in Peace Pat Tillman. 11/6/1976 -- 4/22/2004.
  • My birthday is this week. No big plans. I do have a birthday ritual that I started a few years ago. I will watch “The Big Lebowski.”
  • I am taking a two-week break from blogging. Why?
    A) I need to get that Dora the Explorer tattoo removed from my right butt cheek.
    B) The writers here at Confessions of Dumb, White Guy have gone on strike until Cher my second-favorite Canadian returns to my blog.
    C) My blog has been infested with a bad case of the crabs and it will take 14 days for the medicine to work. You might want to wash your hands.
    D) I just need to visit the mental health spa and get my stinkin’ mind right.
    E) All of the above.

So The Dude is not in for 336 hours. Bye for now.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Never say never

I have been reflecting a lot lately on how I want to do more with my life. Well that line of thinking also led me down another path. A list of items I can undeniably declare to you on this fine Thursday evening that will never, ever happen in my lifetime.
I know never say never but trust me it is for the betterment of mankind that these things do not happen

• I will never star in an adult film titled “The Shifeman Cometh”
• I will never write a children’s book titled “Daddy Drinks Because You Cry”
• I will never write a weekly self-help online column called “I'm Okay, But You're Effin’ Nuts!”
• I will never troll for tranny hookers with Mrs. Shife trying to find the perfect one I should blow
• I will never see a doctor named Dick Rasch
• I will never release a country song titled “Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye”
• I will never get “I Do Amazing Things With Corn” tattooed on my back
• I will never see the word Lactomangulation in the dictionary. (Lactomangulation - Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
• I will never open a gay bar called “The Manhole.”
• I will never audition for The Roar in the Underpants Corps male dance team
• I will never master the sport of nude hang gliding
• I will never become a professional wiener mustache provider
• I will never take up the hobby of trying to find words that rhyme with orange or purple
• I will never use duct tape and a blow torch as a practical hair removal system

Have a great weekend you magnificent bloggers.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Blah and bleh

Buckle up bloggers it might be a bumpy ride. It is that time of year again when I take stock in my life, reflect, and wonder what the heck I am doing with my life.

I feel like I should be giving back more because I feel very fortunate to have the life that I am living. It happens to me this time of the year because in April I turn another year older. Just go back and look at some of my April entries and you will see what I am talking about. The other night I had multiple ideas and thoughts bouncing around my head trying to figure out how to express in words what I am feeling. Then something came along that expressed it perfectly. “The Kite Runner.”

"We all are not perfect, and we all have done things in our lives that we ultimately want to redeem ourselves for. Or we were not courageous enough or our fear was leading us in another way. And I think so much in our life is led by fear. And in the end it is something beautiful if we can recognize that fear and forgive ourselves for being fearful in certain moments for not standing up. I think if we as human beings would stand up in the name of love and stand up for one another I think the planet would be a much different place. There is a way to be good again."

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

What's up?

I think I am finally in the last stage of my grieving process, and now I can get back to work on this blog. I admit that it has kind of sucked lately and I do apologize. So let’s get on with it.

I have been spending a lot of time with myself lately. Yes, the restraining order expired. Every time I look in the mirror there I am. Every time I shower guess who? Every time I get in the car there I am. Well you get the picture. I decided to take advantage of the situation and said to myself what is going on in your world.

Enjoy or not. I am still not sure if this is actually worth publishing. Maybe I should have just sang“I Remember You” by Skid Row to that Asian couple. Oh well.

What are you reading? “Into the Wild”

What made you smile today? Thinking about the fat basset taking care of Mrs. Shife because she is at home sick.

What food are you obsessing over right now? Cinnamon bread made by some outfit called Bainbridge Island. I am seriously thinking about shooting up the stuff. I want to do bad things with this bread. OK that's enough. I am getting a little carried away.

What made you sad today? I learned that someone I knew passed away.

What made you kinda gay today? Unicorns and The Final Countdown. Enough said.

What did you say? Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

What are you thinking? Give away what you want to receive. It is a line from a song but I like it as philosophy for life.

What food brought the underpants lion out of captivity today? Hot and spicy pork rinds. Whoa Nellie. There was some global warming in my office.

What movie is HBO abusing you with this month? “Blades of Glory.” I think I have watched it 79 times in the past 2 weeks. Did you know that Chazz Michael Michaels the only skater to win four national championships and an adult film award?

WTF!?! Seriously WTF!?!

What are you looking forward to? Softball season starts next Monday.

What are you not looking forward to? Waking up Tuesday morning. I will be sore all over and bitching about how old I am.

What movie are you going to watch next? “There Will Be Blood.” Unless “Blades of Glory” is on HBO again.

What is a good excuse for being late to work? Actually, I've been here for over 20 minutes, big guy -- I was just out chillin' in the van waiting for the end of the live version of 'Freebird.'

Sunday, April 06, 2008

I am blue

My beloved Tar Heels lost in the Final Four. To say the least I am little sad. But then I see something like this and realize it isn't so bad.

Picture it - there you are out in the wild camping away, when suddenly you are woken up by a super-horny Bigfoot tickling your nethers. It's a frightening predicament really, one that, depending on what the mythical ape-person is wearing, we're pretty sure we hope to never find ourselves in. Again, we'd like to stress here it depends on what the thing is wearing. If it's Versace we just might be in.
As ludicrous as the whole thing sounds there is a guy who actually claimed something like this pretty recently. Minus the high fashion of course.
If you are of a cryptozoological mind, and you've currently got a metal-framed backpack sitting by your front door as you're intent on finding sasquatch this weekend - for heaven's sake don't search in New Hampshire. No sir - the Bigfoot there will pin you down while he sexily strokes your genitalia against your will.
Gene R. Morrill is on the front end of a 20 year prison sentence for going online in the hopes of finding a 13-year-old male one-night stand. Or a full-blown relationship. We're not sure about the specifics.
But he was up to something horrible. Horrible enough to earn him two decades of pooping in front of his roommate. He needs an out.
The out he was counting on, apparently, was insanity. We assume that's why he started telling people Bigfoot molested him in the past. According to a newspaper:
"A man who claims that he was molested by Bigfoot as a child was ordered to serve 20 years in prison yesterday for his own molestation-related activities… Morrill told an investigator preparing his pre-sentence report about being sexually assaulted by the legendary Bigfoot, a North American folklore character said to be between 7 and 10 feet tall, and covered in dark brown or dark reddish hair. [His defense attorney] said Morrill really believes the [assault] happened."
Crazy, right? Well judge for yourself. Here's are some links to some videos.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • After I published my last post I thought about this way too late but I do believe an Anal Fissure has to be a drink in a gay club somewhere. "I would like two Appletinis and an Anal Fissure, please."

  • Ever call anyone a pussy? OK let’s see a show of hands out there. Come on don’t be shy. I got my hand up too. Wow there are quite a few of us. Well you need to stop it. You should actually call them a scrot. You see a pussy is tough. It can take a pounding, squeeze out life, and perform various other activities that a scrot can only dream about. So my friends be a leader and not a follower. When one of your friend cringes at the thought of eating whale cum soup call them a scrot instead of a pussy.
  • Here is a picture of my favorite rental video store.

  • My favorite reply this week when someone asks me what I am doing is "I am getting my jugs waxed."

  • Is the good old US of A the only country with vanity plates? How about letting your dog cruise in the passenger seat? I am just curious.

  • Speaking of curious. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

  • I think this might be a picture and description of the Care Bear that didn't make the cut.

  • My buddy KnitTech saw my brief jerkies and raised me a licorice thong. They look fantastic and only 302 calories.

  • Five terrible euphemisms for defecating based on The Godfather movies.
    - Moving Klingman out
    - Whacking Sollozzo

    - Going fishing with Al

    - Visiting Woltz

    - Hiring Sophia