Monday, December 15, 2008

Squat and Spurt is not a good band name

I figured I had to do something to get your attention besides write Merry Christmas.
Anyway as Christmas is quickly approaching and 2008 is rapidly disappearing I just wanted to wish all of you magnificent bloggers a wonderful holiday season. Quincy also wanted to wish you a merry new year since everyone enjoyed his video. Please enjoy his thanks right here.
I am going to bounce out of the blogosphere until the new year so I will see you in 2009.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

My Muse

I am proud to present my straight to YouTube video sensation "A Day in the Life of the Fat Basset." OK I don't know if 34 views is a sensation but in doggie math that is like 238 so that is kind of a sensation. Alright it is more like a very tiny grope on the subway. And you definitely want to have the sound on.
Anyway, enjoy and have a great weekend!!!

Monday, December 08, 2008

I am a moron

Mrs. Shife and I have never broken down and got caller ID. We also hardly ever answer our land line because it is usually a telemarketer.
So when I do answer the land line and they ask for me I just say he is not available and can I take a message.
Well I get a phone call in the afternoon last week and decide to answer it.
"Hello is Mr. Shife there?"
"No I am sorry he is not here. Can I take a message?"
"This is Chris from Implied by Design returning his phone call."
Oh did I forget to mention that I was doing some freelance work and was trying to get in touch with a web design company so I could change a client's website content and gave them my home phone number to contact me.
So instead of pulling my head directly out of my butt and telling Chris that this is Mr. Shife and I was just screening my phone calls from telemarketers I decide to do the logical thing and pretend my name is Bob.
"Oh hi Chris. This is Bob. I work with Mr. Shife, and he told me about the problem. Maybe I can help figure out what we need to do."
And did I mention that I left this guy a message as Mr. Shife and the last time I checked voice impressions was not listed on my resume so I am pretty sure this guy thought I was a nutbar trying to pretend to be someone else or he just did not care.
It would be fine and dandy if I never had to talk to this guy again, but I had to send him an email after Bob's conversation with what I needed from him. And of course I mentioned in the email that Bob told me about their conversation.
Well the guy has not emailed me back yet and it has been 4 days so I am going to have to call him again.
I have not decided if Bob or Mr. Shife is going to call.
I am a moron.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • I am sure you heard the news but I did not get voted the Sexiest Man Alive by People Magazine. Damn you Hugh Jackman.
  • I just want to know when People Magazine is going to do their Sexiest Man Dead edition.
  • As you may have heard the economy kind of sucks right now. Experts from all across the world have offered their advice on what we need to do to right the ship. But I think the person we need to turn to is Billy Mays. Who? You know who he is. Just check out his link right here. He can fix anything. Just throw a little Mighty Putty on your 401K and it is all better. And if that doesn't work I can just use the Zorbeez when I piss myself after seeing how much money I lost again this month.
  • Entrepreneurial idea of the month - Turkey Taint lunch meat or Nocher Your Mother's Turkey lunch meat.
  • The holidays can be hectic and stressful. You may push your body to the edge so I just want to offer a little safety tip to all you guys out there. Be careful you don't get too close to the swimsuit area when you apply that Icy Hot. Santa should be the only one with a red sack this year.
  • Nothing says Merry Christmas like a gift certificate from Planned Parenthood.
Have a great weekend. And don't forget to put that toilet seat down.

Monday, December 01, 2008

Laughing Through the Pain

Today is December 1st and I can easily say it has not been one of my better days. I could not figure it out right away but then it dawned on me that it has been been 5 months to the day since my Mom passed away. I just want to crawl up into a little ball on the couch, be left alone, and tell the world to suck it. Unfortunately I can't do that. So I tried to remember something good about life with Mom, and it didn't take long. So here is a Christmas memory I would like to share and it makes me appreciate that I had wonderful woman I could call Mom.

A few years ago my Mom almost killed my grandmother. My grandmother has severe asthma so she has to be careful about her breathing, laughing, etc. Well my grandmother thought it would be nice to share a holiday joke with my Mom. And my dear old Mother takes jokes literally. She doesn't understand the nuances or the double entendres or the play on words. She has the joke IQ of Forrest Gump.
So my grandmother asks my mom the following: "Why did Mrs. Claus tell Santa Claus she was going to town?" My Mother gave a perplexed look and shook her head saying she did not know. Well my grandmother told her the answer: "To blow a few bucks!"
Well my Dad and grandma start laughing, and laugh a little harder because my Mom did not get it as it just went right over her head.
My Mom started to think about the answer and did not really see humor. So she stated with a straight face, "I don't know why that is funny. I have got into town and blown a few bucks before. I have done it a lot of times and there is nothing funny about that."
Now my Dad and grandma are howling, and my poor grandmother is reaching for her oxygen because her asthma is getting the best of her.
Then my Mom continues with her quest for the truth by saying, "People blow bucks all the time. It happens every day. Why is that funny? Do they do something different with their money?"
By now my grandmother can't take anymore, and my Dad has tears rolling down his face as he takes my Mom into another room to explain the joke to her. A few minutes later my Mom re-enters the room blushing as she discovered the hidden meaning of blowing a few bucks and grateful that she did not kill my grandmother.