Thursday, February 26, 2015

My GIF to you

Mr. Shife and his terrible, horrible, no good very bad day.
OK. It wasn't that appalling.
But I had an altercation with a brewed drink that I would kick in the nuts if that was possible.
Pardon me.
I just Googled it.
It appears that the beverage of my disdain does not have testicles.
So the day started off great.
I was ready to kick butt and take names.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
Thursday you are mine.

As the day progressed, I felt like the cat's meow.

Then it happened.
I came home and pushed my luck.
Instead of making two trips to bring in all of the stuff from the car, I decided to try it in one trip.
Big mistake.
I had one too many things in my hand.
And this became abundantly clear when I tried to walk.

Well instead of spilling milk all over myself it was coffee because I was trying to be nice and bring in Mrs. Shife's coffee mug for her.
I don't like coffee.
But I like Mrs. Shife.
The things we do for the ones we love.
Did I mention I don't like coffee?
Well I especially don't like coffee when it attacks me, and by attacks, I mean it ended up getting dumped out all over the front of my shirt and coat.
It made me sad.

Now I'm definitely not winning this day.
I smell like coffee.
So I have to take a shower.
Now I am even more sad.

How was your day?

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

Friday, February 20, 2015

The Archives

Hi there. Mrs. Shife and I did some re-arranging in the bedroom - and no that's not code for getting it on you perverts - and I came across some journals that contained potential blog content. Well they never made it to the blog for one reason or another but now it's their time to shine so some of my previously unpublished random thoughts are down there. Yep look down. You see them? There they are. Enjoy.

Also, I received my first bad book review on Amazon and I took it amazingly well. By amazingly, I mean I created a fake account so I could give myself a positive review to balance out the negative one. I'm so mature sometimes. Anyway, I didn't go through with the fake review and just thought I would ask you - yes you - to leave me one if you have read my book. Here's the LINK to the review if you wouldn't mind helping out. Please and thank you.

From the Mr. Shife archives:
  • Leave this comment on porn sites: "Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your mother and I are heartbroken."
  • Like my Grandma said, "If you don't have sweat in your crack, then you aren't doing it right."
  • Let's go on that camping trip that we never talked about.
  • First I was dying to finish high school and start college. Then I was dying to finish college and start working. Then I was dying to marry and have children. Then I was dying for my children to grow old enough so I could go back to work. But then I was dying to retire. Now I'm just dying. And suddenly I realized I forgot to live. Appreciate your current situation and enjoy each day.
  • Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping. I think I might be camping tonight because of this picture but I found it pretty funny:

  • If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
  • No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
  • Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
  • You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself.  Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves.
  • One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else.  Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you.  Don’t change so people will like you.  Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.
  • We’re gonna have a hard time ever being happy if we aren’t thankful for what we already have.
  • If you feel called to compare yourself to something, compare yourself to an earlier version of yourself.
  • And some funny gifs I found in my electronic archives. Wouldn't it be great if we had no selfie zone and this is how we could enforce it if someone thought they were above the law. 

  • And I hope you don't see any mean old pussycats this weekend. 

Have a good weekend.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

Friday, February 13, 2015

Happy Valentine's Day?

Since I view myself as a giving, thoughtful person, I thought I would share some last-minute gift ideas for Valentine's Day. And no thanks are necessary but you are welcome.

  • Edible anus chocolates. Yes nothing quite says "I love you" like your butthole molded from pure Belgian chocolate. I'm not sure your lady friend will think this is a good-ass gift but maybe it's worth a shot turning your turd cutter into candy. 
  • A one-way ticket to Dick City. Doesn't this sound nice? Plus you get a layover in Pound Town. Maybe when I was in my early 20s I would have thought this was funnier. All I know is if I presented this to Mrs. Shife I would be getting a one-way ticket to Divorce Village. Plus, if I took all the time and effort to make something like this I would certainly make sure the section was VIP not GA for General Admission. 
  • A twosie. For the couple that likes to shit each other's pants or perhaps they like to cuddle during the middle of a home invasion. If you ever see me even mention the fact that I would like to wear twosie, then I have been abducted by aliens and my mind is under their influence or I have simply drank myself stupid. 

  • A heart-shaped steak. Get her this and some crabs and you might have a layover in Pound Town. No not those crabs. The crabs you can be happy about like a surf and turf kind of deal. Actually I think steak and crabs would be a pretty good idea but a heart-shaped steak just doesn't look that appetizing to me. 

  • A Sophia the First Valentine's Day card. If you're are not familiar with Sophia then get your butt in gear. You're missing out one of Disney's most-popular cartoons. Your brain will thank me later and never forget the importance of grammar. It's the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're the shit. 
Kyle actually got this card at school today. It was made by Disney. I was just surprised that nobody caught the error. First kids think Kanye West discovered Paul McCartney and know multi-billion corporations can even make grammatically correct Valentine's Day cards. And the sentence is only 4 words long. 

Hope you and yours have a lovely Valentine's Day and a nice weekend as well. Talk to you later.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

P.S. I just wanted to let Brandon know that I have written a screenplay but it's been buried in a pile of papers out in the garage since I graduated college about 15 years ago. Some day I will get back to it, and I do appreciate you asking about it. 

Friday, February 06, 2015

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • I knew having kids would mean sacrificing some stuff but I am a little surprised at what it turned out to be for me. Watching sports and following my teams was a pretty big part of my life before Thing 1 and Thing 2 entered the picture but now it's just not possible to devote 6-8 hours a week watching sports. I don't mind it but again I'm just a little amazed because I was a pretty big sports junkie. 
  • Another sacrifice has been hanging out with my friends. It's just hard finding the time right now. The day gets going about 6:30 am and it's about 8 pm before I can think about having a little quiet time.
  • I don't know if I shared this or not but Tank isn't a rocket scientist. I always say he's like a stereotypical supermodel: lots of beauty but no brains. The other day he reminded me of his mental shortcomings when he was begging for some cheese, and as I tossed him a piece, he didn't even bat an eyelash as the cheese hit him right in the middle of his furry face. He didn't even open his mouth to try and catch it. This went on for about 5 days in a row. Maybe he is intelligent and is playing the dumb card to get as much cheese from me as possible and I'm the jackass. Anyway, I'm going with the dumb dog storyline because then I can say that my dog is Derek Zoolander (If you are not familiar with Zoolander, then go here) as he is really, really, ridiculously good looking but not so bright.
 Here's Tank Tank striking his Zoolander pose, and yes that's a pacifier in his mouth.
  •  We are making a painful transition in the Shifley household as Hayden has decided naps are stupid and is no longer interested in them. I think I'm taking it the hardest because there were days when she would take her afternoon nap and I could catch a few winks too as Kyle was being entertained by cartoons.
  • At least Hayden used words to tell us she was done napping. Kyle told us he no longer wants to nap by ripping off his pull-ups and peeing all over his blankets, pillows and stuffed animals. Not once but two afternoons in a row. 
  • That is all. Enjoy your weekend. Talk to you soon.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.