Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Rational Thoughts in an Irrational World??

  • As germaphobic as our society has become it amazes me that people will not think twice about sticking a ketchup package in their mouth to tear it open. I shudder at the thought of how many times that package has been handled before it makes its my way. And isn't it about time the ketchup package evolved? Is there a secret ketchup package conspiracy we are unaware of that does not allow the manufacturing of a new type of ketchup container?
  • I have an upright vacuum cleaner. It sucks and it does a good job of sucking. But I don't understand why I have a headlight on my upright vacuum cleaner. I don't vacuum in the dark or in a wall-to-wall community carpet arena where other people are also vacuuming and the headlight could help keep me safe from a vacuum collision. Having a headlight on the vacuum makes about as much sense as having a headlight on your iron. I am not going to iron in the dark either. I just don't get it.
  • I find it disturbing that journalists are using Twitter updates as reliable news sources. I find it really sad too.
  • I know the health care debate has numerous issues but one way to keep the costs down is if we had better eating habits and took better care of ourselves. The fast food nation and the super sizing of kids and adults is starting to get a little scary.

  • Has anyone been completely satisfied with a premium car wash? The ones where they wash, vacuum, clean the interior, etc. I always feel like I am not getting my money's worth when I get one.
  • Every other day it seems like Yahoo has something on their home page telling us what jobs are going to be in demand in the next few years. Well I don't know about the next few years but in about 2 decades I think the tattoo removal business is going to be huge. I just think a lot of folks are going to regret the arm sleeves and the neck tattoo when they hit their 40s.
  • And I better get to picture time of Baby Shifley before I lose all my readers with my negativity. The first one is the little man dreaming about touchdowns I guess. He slept like this for about 5 minutes. I guess he is looking forward to the football season too. And the next one is him sitting in Mrs. Shife's arms looking like he is saying a little prayer. I am not sure what he is praying for but maybe it is for a ride on the fat basset.

  • Have a great 7 days and my tip of the week is don't fry bacon in the nude.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • Where the heck did Summer go? It just flew by. I am not looking forward to the upcoming months. Fall can suck it. I have a restraining order against Winter but she always breaks it, and I think she owes me child support. And I can barely tolerate Spring because I am longing for Summer.
  • From the Rookie Dad journals ... I am not sure if this was a coincidence but it sure seemed like it. Well I was feeding Baby Shife and things were going well. He had a nice rhythm going and was just about done when his Dad - that's me - farted something fierce. It was bad. The fat basset howled, the neighborhood cat went blind, squirrels threw nuts at our house, the postman only rang once, and gay men quit buying Barbra Streisand albums (Do gay men still like Streisand?). It was that bad. Anyway I am trying not to gag myself when the little man starts to cough and choke and I have to pull the bottle out so he can breathe but he starts coughing and choking more because he just got big taste of Dad's ass sandwich. Poor kid almost starting bawling right on the spot. Eventually the brown fog lifted and all was right in the Shifley household. Except for the underwear I was wearing. I had to burn those banana hammocks.
  • Some of you are also on Facebook so you already seen these pictures but I have to share with the rest of you who have not caught the Facebook Flu. So this is a picture of the fat basset drinking out of the bucket I was icing my foot in after I sprained my ankle playing softball. I don't know if the "heeling" powers of Captain Furry Pants helped speed up the recovery but I like to think it was his way of helping make me feel better.

  • Next up is a photo of Baby Shifley with his first trophy. This past weekend we had great weather so Baby Shifley and Mrs. Shife got to come out for all of my team's softball games, and they must have been good luck because we went 5-0 and want the tournament. Here is a picture of my little man with the trophy.

  • And here is the latest and greatest toy for my little bundle of joy. His little jumper and he is already going crazy on it. Hopefully you will not be able to see my porn collection in the background.

  • That's all for this week folks. See you in 7 days, and have a good one. And remember what McGruff said, "Take a bite out of crime."

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

An epic battle

Bigger than Ninjas vs. Pirates. Coke vs. Pepsi. Top vs. Bottom.
More important than health care reform (probably not, but just work with me here).

My blogging buddies what you are about to read is the next great debate that will eventually take the world by storm: Should I wear a bear t-shirt or a wolf t-shirt?
I was strictly a wolf t-shirt man but a humble and wise man from parts unknown made me see the light and realize how wrong I have been about bear shirts.

I used to be a wolf shirt guy, until I discovered bear shirts. Bear shirts are much more mystically powered and attract an even more powerful woman. Even a woman wearing a bear shirt can attract a more powerful woman. A man wearing a bear shirt (bear-shirt-man) is held in such high esteem that most in the area are too intimidated to approach or even look at bear-shirt-man. Most of the time, they try to pretend bear-shirt-man isn't even in the room. That pays dividends when bear-shirt-man has attracted a particularly good wants-to-be-with-bear-shirt-man-woman. These women can usually be described in excess of 5 feet, 10 inches, a good quality weight that won't be pushed around in a tornado, a generally attractive fe-mullet hair style, saddle-baggish thighs, ability to slam crush beer cans with their hands, and the capacity to spit non-menthol snuff at least 10 feet. These hot mamas have been known to spend their time working as repo trucks drivers or lumber jills. The benefits of bear shirt are neverending. For example, when you wear your bear shirt to the diner you can count on getting the best table by the kitchen where your food will be hotter when it gets to your table than the poor wolf-shirt-men who has to sit up by the bar where the skanky ladies hover. At the oil change place, bear-shirt-man doesn't even get asked if he wants to change his 'air filter' or 'johnson rod'. Oil-change-place guy knows that bear-shirt-guy knows what the hell he's doing and won't fall for some eco-scam about oil recycling. Bear shirts rule. I once saw a bear shirt eat a wolf shirt.

There you have it folks. Simple math, Bear Shirt > Wolf Shirt.
Are you convinced? Are you a wolf shirt or a bear shirt?

And I didn't forget your weekly fix of Baby Shife. Here you go:

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • Post #550. I think if I hit 1000 I get an ultimate set of Google steak knives.
  • These two sick and twisted thoughts made their way out of my brain this past week: 1) It sucks when the first time you go to bed with the new person in your life and you take off your underwear and throw them at the wall and they stick, and 2) It sucks when you go to bed drunk, wake up with a hangover and a throbbing erection in hand ... then realize it isn't yours.
  • Would you shop at a floor and tile store if it was named "Floorgasm"?
  • The next great boy band idea. I know why the hell am I thinking about boy bands, but anyway ... Four guys, no shirts, and they call themselves Fourskin.
  • I have been watching too much "How I Met Your Mother." I big-time resisted this show because I hate shows with laugh tracks, but I watched a few episodes and it grew on me. I must admit that I really enjoy it now. Plus I get to watch reruns on Lifetime and I love seeing the promos for their upcoming movies of the week like "Touched by an Uncle."
  • Anyone excited about the new G.I. Joe movie? I think it looks really bad but that is just me.
  • Mrs. Shife and I have our official second date since the baby was born. His aunt will be babysitting while we go out and enjoy a Cross Canadian Ragweed concert.
  • It has only taken 5 plus years at our house but the fat basset finally received some mail. He got a catalog from Intercollegiate Studies Institute. I have no idea how they got his name. It is really funny - at least to me - because they addressed it to Quincy Rutherford, and Rutherford is the middle name I gave him when we first rescued him. Anyway below you will still the photographic evidence.

  • Baby Shife might not turn out to be the next Michael Phelps but he hit the water for the first time this week and seemed to like it. He didn't pee in the pool. Now if only his Dad could break himself of that habit.