Friday, December 28, 2012

Upon Further Review Part 2

I am a snooper.
Let me explain.
Ever since I can remember, I would start searching our house high and low for the Christmas presents about 2 weeks before Santa Claus was scheduled to arrive.
I was really good at finding them, and also really good at not having my parents find out.
Evidently it runs in the family because Kyle found our Christmas stash this year.
Well I guess if you don't use your snooping skills on a regular basis then your snooper gets a little soft. Then you have snooper impotence and can't achieve or sustain a snooper to have satisfactory snooper activity.
OK enough with the erection puns.
On Mrs. Shife's side of the family, there are a quite a few of us so we just draw 1 name to make it easier. My father-in-law got my name this year, and I sent him a few ideas like a tool box or some tools or some other manly things I could use in my garage.
Since Mrs. Shife is well aware of my snooping past, she advised her Dad to send the present over to her sister's house so I would not try to be tempted to snoop and figure out what I was getting.
Well a few days before Christmas I was over at my sister-in-law's house returning something we had borrowed, and as I was making my way downstairs to return the borrowed item, I noticed a package next to the door.
The box contained WeatherTech car mats.
How did I know this?
X-Ray vision? Sudden psychic abilities whenever I see cardboard?
Nope. It was because WeatherTech plastered their name all over the package. I guess companies really like to market their name all over their packages so people know what is in there.
I headed down the stairs to return the item but I was so jealous because I assumed my sister-in-law had bought those for her husband, and I have been wanting those type of car mats for a long time. I did not ask for them for Christmas because I thought they were over the budget we are expected to follow when buying gifts so I just spent most of day being envious of my brother-in-law's gift.
The next day I was cleaning out the car, and jealousy reared its ugly head once more. As I was looking at our facotry-issued floor mats, I just wanted to do horrible things to them.
Maybe get on a floor mat message board and sully their reputation.
Degrade them with an barrage of profane words that would make my sailor buddies proud.
Cheapen their existence by using them as welcome mats at a men's bathroom during an NFL game.
I must digress for a moment. There are a lot of disgusting places on Earth, but a men's bathroom at a sporting event is surely one of them. Men really do not know how to pee straight especially if drinking has been involved. And you are just begging for trouble if you were flip flops in there. 
Back to the story.
Anyway, as I was vacuuming the floor mats sucking up leaves, pine needles, mud, sand, food, wrappers, chia pets, unfulfilled dreams, etc. all I could do was think about those awesome car mats I saw at my sister-in-law's house and if I had them, then instead of vacuuming I could just take the new mats out and shake out all that garbage.
Life would be sweet - yes I am a stay-at-home Dad with two kids under 4 so my dreams are not as robust as they used to be - and I could use all that time I was not vacuuming being more productive like thinking of ways to integrate Rafi quotes from "The League" into my customer service calls to DirecTV.
My sister-in-law and husband were coming over later that day for dinner so I was hoping I could get some one-on-one time with her so I could find out how much the mats cost and other details.
Well our solo time never materialized so I was just left with the dreams of adding the mats to my Amazon wish list and hoping I could get them soon.
Fast forward to Christmas, and I see the present from my father-in-law under the tree. It does not look like a tool box or some other manly thing that could help me make loud sounds in the garage.
However, it did look exactly like the package I saw at my sister-in-law's house except now it was all dressed up with some fancy wrapping paper and a bow.
Unfortunately, since my snooping skills are now as bad as any Nicolas Cage movie in the past 5 years, I did not put it together.
I opened up the gift, and just started laughing because I had seen my present but did not make the connection because I am no longer a successful snooper.
And the whole time my sister-in-law was mad and worried because since she left the present in plain sight at her house she thought I had discovered what I was getting for Christmas.
Good thing I have lost that snooping feeling.

Hope you and yours have a great weekend, and my little cowgirl would like to 
wish you a Happy New Year. 

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Friday, December 21, 2012

Upon Further Review

I am an idiot.
Let me explain.
I have had the date circled mentally in my head ever since Mrs. Shife told me about it.
December 11.
The day I would be the teacher-helper at Kyle's pre-school.
My number had finally been drawn, and even with more than a month's notice I was starting to panic.
The anxiety kicked in. Then the doom and gloom. Followed by the nuclear apocalypse.
I don't know if any of you have anxiety but I do, and the way it works with me is that I just start to future worry about stuff and I imagine the worst-case scenario happening. It also has to do with fear. The fear of the unknown. As I have never been a teacher-helper before, I fear it is going to be a horrible experience for me leading to a series of non-stop downhill events until I am eventually turning tricks in dark alleys to support my bath salts habit.
Yes, it is absolutely absurd that somehow I will go from a teacher-helper at a pre-school to giving hand jobs in a Honda but my mind dreams up these ridiculous scenarios where I hit rock bottom doing unimaginable stuff.
Yes I know. Like I mentioned earlier, I am an idiot.
After a few moments, I realize the ludicrous chain of events I have created will not happen.
I return to reality, and my mind calms down thanks to modern medicine or by taking a few moments to breathe and relax.
Anyway, after the initial panic attack I was fine.
However, as the date drew closer, I started to feel the anxiety creeping back in, and knew I was going to be a little crazy on the morning of December 11.
I didn't want to worry about it so I knew I was going to take a Xanax that morning just to calm me down. I even joked about it on Twitter by saying that I hope they don't piss test at my kid's preschool. I'm going to be hopped up on Xanax. My 1st day as a teacher-helper. Me and 16 3-year-olds.
Sorry you had to read all of that to get to the day's events but here is the timeline:

8:30 AM: It was a little chilly outside so I went ahead and started the car up then headed back inside to get Kyle ready for school.
8:40 AM: We are heading out the door to load up and go to .... OMG!!!!!!!!!!!
I locked the keys inside the car.
Are you kidding me? Are you effin' kidding me?
I locked the keys inside the car.
I need to be in the car right now to go to school because I can't be late today because I am the TEACHER-HELPER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WTF?!? Did you really lock the keys inside the car? Uh, yes you did idiot.
8:41 AM: I survey my surroundings for a time machine (come on you know people just leaving those lying around everywhere) so I can go back to 8:29 AM.
8:42 AM: Time machine is not found. Neither is the Unlocking Car Fairy that I summoned with wishful thinking and the offer of a Costco size can of tuna. I once heard on NPR that fairies love tuna.
8:43 AM: OK. I need to pull it together.
We have a spare key. It is in the wooden box with the other spare keys. It is also the same wooden box that has been missing longer than a Ambushed Paddington reference on my blog.
8:45 AM: I search for it but it seems I would have better luck giving myself a vasectomy at this point. The box is in the wind. Of course we will run across it in the next week or so because that is how things always work out.
8:48 AM: I call Mrs. Shife to ask for suggestions/tips/advice/the location of the Jagermeister bottle/permission to wrap my lips around tailpipe of the running car.
Her only suggestion is to have my sister-in-law come over and I take her vehicle while she waits at the house for the locksmith to show up.
8:50 AM: I call my sister-in-law and she will be over in a flash.
And for the record, Kyle's school starts at 9:15 AM, but I have to be there at 9 AM at the latest because I am the TEACHER-HELPER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
8:53 AM: I call AAA. Thank the fat bassets I decided to renew my membership this year and they will have a locksmith over by 9:30 AM.
8:55 AM: I realize that my sister-in-law's definition of a flash has drastically changed in the last 2 years. She now has a 2-year-old and an almost 8-month-old. Plus she is watching Little Miss Hayden for us since I was going to be away at pre-school. So unless the actual Flash helps her round up the kids and load them into the mini-van, it is not going to to fall under the Merriam-Webster dictionary's definition of a flash. 
8:56 AM: I explain to Kyle why Daddy is running around like his pubic hairs are on fire. I assure him we will make it school on time. 
8:57 AM: I distract Kyle with the Kindle and episodes of Go Diego Go, and I am now pacing in front of our windows waiting for the silver mini-van to turn onto our street. 
8:58 AM: Realize that even though this morning is not going as planned it is going to make at least a good blog post. Find the positive. 
9:00-9:07 AM: Still pacing. Waiting. Pacing. Waiting. Pacing. Banging head against wall. Work on my Gangnam Style dance moves. Start wondering about life's many mysteries and other silly thoughts. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Why don't penguins have knees? Is it me or are dogs forever in the push-up position? Did Jimmy really need to crack corn? When does it stop being partly cloudy and start being partly sunny? Is Tank Tank actually giving me kisses or is he seeing what I taste like in case he needs to go cannibal on me? 
9:08 AM: My sister-in-law arrives with her cargo, and we make the switch as I bring babies into the house and she loads up Kyle for me.
9:09 AM: Kyle and I are on the road pushing that mini-van to its structural limits to get to school on time.
9:14 AM: With one minute to spare, Kyle and I make it, and I explain the situation to his teacher. She fires me, sends us home, and Kyle has been expelled.
9:14 AM: Just kidding.Kyle's teacher is totally sympathetic and she puts me to work as Kyle and I begin our pre-school experience together.
11:30 AM: I am done as a teacher-helper, and Kyle and I are off to the hardware store to get a spare key made.
The End.

I hope you and yours have a Merry Christmas.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Friday, December 14, 2012

Today Is Not The Day

I wrote a post a few days ago, and I was planning on sharing it with everyone tonight.
But today is not the day.
It was about me taking Kyle to pre-school.
I don't feel comfortable or right talking about my child and his school when there are too many people dealing with a parent's worst nightmare tonight.
Today is also not the day to discuss to gun control. Not when hearts need time to heal and it is hard to see anything properly when your eyes are blurred with tears.

So what I am asking today is that you pray to whatever deity you believe in for all those involved, for everyone touched by this senseless tragedy. And hug your loved ones a little longer than usual. Then pray again that this world can good again because on days like today I have a real hard time believing it.

Finally, I read a lot of quotes tonight from people with a lot more wisdom than me but the one that really spoke to me was this one: "There are times when there are too few words left to heal us, when what we wish for is to be carried, when all we have left is the hope that tomorrow will be a more gentle place to land than today."

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

Friday, December 07, 2012

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • Obscure Reference #1: 30 Helens agree: Sleep is awesome. I will go into more details further down the page but when you don't get a lot of sleep you realize how amazing a good night's sleep really is for you. And if you get the reference about the 30 Helens, I just gave you a mental high five. 
  • Obscure Reference #2: I was informed earlier this week that 12/12/12 will be the last repetitive date that we will ever see. Then I remembered I was a Highlander so it is all cool. If you get both of my references, we are Internet soul mates and must exchange beef stew recipes. 
  • 1554: Nope, not my SAT score but a new beer I tried on accident and it turned out to be a great surprise because I loved it. 
  • Parenting Tip: I have heard a lot of advice from people since I became a Dad, but I think the one that is most applicable to to me is: "Take it One Day at A Time." Somedays are awesome, somedays suck, and that is how it goes, but if you do your best, it should turn out pretty darn good in the long run. 
  • Ruff Week: Yes I meant ruff. It will make sense shortly. The reason I said sleep was awesome is because Tank Tank has gotten me up two nights this week because he was not feeling well. First, Wednesday he was up all night pacing and very anxious so I laid down with him in the living room but that only worked out in like 15-minute increments. The next day - Thursday - I took him to the vet to see what was up because he was still acting like he snorted some coke off a midget's behind. The diagnosis was that he had an ear infection and was constipated. Good times. He got some pills and they worked their magic almost immediately. Unfortunately, they only have a 12-hour life cycle so Tank was feeling weird again at about 4 in the morning so I had to get up to give him more meds and calm him down again. Anyway, after 2 nights of no sleep, Tank is feeling better. I hope I feel better after getting some sleep.  
  • Busted: Kyle found our stash of Christmas presents. He came running out of our room all excited saying Santa Claus had already come by and dropped off his presents. I was not at home when this happened but Mrs. Shife was able to divert him with enough shiny objects to lead him to believe that the presents were not for him but I have a feeling that this is not the last we have heard of this. 
  • Favorite Quote of the Week:  As long as you're still breathing, you will always have the chance to improve your life. Every day is a new opportunity to do exactly that. It's your choice. - Bob Proctor

  • Me and my little dude. 

    I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

    Friday, November 30, 2012

    Hello there

    How's it going? Hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving. I sure did, and in case you are wondering I did indeed eat until I passed out. Or maybe I drank too much. It doesn't matter at this point. I had a good time and as far as I can remember I was in complete control of my bodily fluids. What a great segue to talk about my wonderful daughter. I really should work for a greeting card company. Well we also celebrated Hayden's birthday since it was the day before Thanksgiving. She is now 1. Can you believe it? I can't but time keeps moving forward and all I can do is enjoy each day with my beautiful babies. Well here she is from 1-week-old to 52-weeks-old in just over 2 minutes. It is short and sweet just like her. Enjoy, and have yourself a wonderful weekend.

    My favorite quote of the week: You don't need religion to have morals. If you can't determine right from wrong then you lack empathy, not religion. - Unknown or Mr. Shife if you dare.

    I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

    Friday, November 16, 2012

    Random Acts of Shifeness

  • I have been staring at my thumb a lot lately. Let me explain. It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3 kg. The length of the penis is three times the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. Women blink twice as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand. The woman has read this entire message. The man is still looking at his thumb.
  • I actually spoke on the phone with a blogging friend. It was weird because I know her but I don't know her if you know what I mean so I was a little nervous before the call but once we started talking it was all good. Some of you may know Random Chick, and she talked to me about what to do and what not to do when it comes to getting a book published. I enjoyed speaking with her and appreciated all of her insight. Thank you RC.
  • My quote of the week: Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you are donating blood. 
  • I am not sure what happened. Maybe it was sleep deprivation. Or getting hit in the head by an inanimate object. Or maybe I just saw the light and removed my head from my rear. Whatever the case may be, I quit watching "Jersey Shore" and "Teen Mom 2" because I find myself no longer capable of independent and seemingly intelligent action after watching these shows. I was just trying to find a nice way to say they are dumb. 
  • I can't believe this time last year I was anxiously anticipating the birth of my second child. For those of you unfamiliar with the situation, Hayden's due date was Nov. 6 so by now Mrs. Shife and I were hoping the newest Shifley would show up soon. Like any minute now because we had been waiting a real long time. Well she needed a little help from modern medicine and arrived on Nov. 21. Hayden was definitely worth the wait, and she will be 1 next Wednesday. 
  • I will be away from the blog next week as I will be enjoying the holiday with family. I hope you and yours have a wonderful Thanksgiving. And good luck to those venturing out for Black Friday deals. That is definitely not on my to-do list. Take care. 

  • The little man with his best buddy Rupert posing for the camera. 

    I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

    Friday, November 09, 2012

    Random Acts of Shifeness

    • There are a lot of quotes out there attributed to unknown or anonymous. Well that is ridiculous. Any time you see quote that has no source just go ahead and let people know I said it. I think I am the right man for the job. For example, here is one: Well, this day was totally not worth wearing clean underwear. - Mr. Shife
    • You will be happy to know that my moronic thoughts like the one above do also extend to other areas like sports. My blogging buddy Phats had me pick some football games, and if you check it out you will be happy to see that I am an equal opportunity fool.
    • I just love when I remember that I forgot to do something. I especially like it when that moment occurs in a setting where I have to actually speak with other people. I totally forgot to brush my teeth yesterday morning and that little tidbit dawned on me at about 2:30 in the afternoon as I was waiting to see the chiropractor. Good times. 
    • If you need to shed a few tears, check out this story, Live Like Line. It kind of puts things into perspective and also makes you realize that no one is guaranteed tomorrow. 
    • Yesterday was Tank's birthday. He is now 4. We have no idea which day in November since he was a rescue so we just decided that yesterday was a good day to celebrate our furry friend. Maybe next year it might be on the 1st or the 15th or the 24th, but we are just glad to have him around the house. 
    • I am thankful that college hoops starts tonight. My football teams are circling the drain, and my soccer team just got eliminated from the playoffs so I need a change of scenery in the sports world. 
    • I am writing a book. What the hell Mr. Shife? I know ... what the hell but it is time I took the plunge and I got tired of saying someday. I am not sure how it will turn out but basically I am taking the greatest hits from my blog and trying to turn into something that people might deem worthwhile and actually purchase. Wish me luck because honestly I am scared to death about exposing myself like this. 
    • My quote of the week that I can actually attribute to someone: "I think if we as human beings would stand up in the name of love and stand up for one another I think the planet would be a much different place. There is a way to be good again." - "The Kite Runner"

    A friend of ours took some family portraits and here is one of my favorites of Little Miss Hayden snuggling with her beautiful and wonderful mother. 

    I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

    Friday, November 02, 2012

    Creature Report

    What am I going to share with you today?
    Boy meets girl?
    Good versus evil?
    An unlikely hero rises to save the day?
    Does beer taste good?
    How about a dumb, white guy being brought to tears by a British-American children's television series?
    If you spend quality time with a little person between the ages of 2 and 4 then you might be familiar with the cartoon "The Octonauts." If you indeed have had the pleasure of watching Captain Barnacles and his crew's mighty undersea adventures then no need to watch the video. But for those who have not seen these delightful and stylized anthropomorphic animals, then please watch the video so you can hopefully enjoy and understand my story.

    Kyle discovered "The Octonauts" a little bit ago, and it has become one of his new favorites. Well after the Octonauts complete an adventure, they get together to have a creature report but you know that already because you just watched the video.
    The creature report song is catchy and it definitely gets stuck in your head if the cartoon is on a few times a day which happens at the Shifley household. Now that creature report has been established. Let me also establish that my wife is funny. Sometimes she is extremely funny.
    So we are established.
    On with the story.
    I am waiting for Mrs. Shife to join me in the living room so we can watch one of our TV shows before calling it a night. As she is putting the kids to bed, I am trying to solve the mystery of the day. What the hell did I eat? Because whatever I put into my body was not happy and was expressing its disapproval with some paint peeling, stomach churning, underwear melting, dry heaving, hair removing, mind numbing farts. Fortunately for me, the air had cleared by the time Mrs. Shife had entered the living room but I warned her that her nose was at risk if she sat by me on the couch. She shrugged off my advisory and we started watching our show. A few minutes later Mrs. Shife jumped off the couch like her pants were on fire but it was just her nostrils. As she staggered away from the deathly green fog, she started laughing as she did her best imitation of the Octonauts and started singing "Creature report. Creature report."
    We both laughed. A lot.
    And that is the tale of how a dumb, white guy was being brought to tears by a British-American children's television series.
    Have a wonderful weekend.

    P.S. Halloween update. Sorry no cute pictures of Kyle and Hayden all dressed up. They were up at Grandma and Grandpa's house and not a lot of trick-or-treating at the farm. We did buy Kyle a Spider-Man costume, and asked him if he wanted to get dressed up but he told us that "I just want to be Kyle."  

    I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

    Friday, October 26, 2012

    384 words about Kyle ... mostly

    Any guesses on what the topic of my post might be about? Did the title give it away? Well the little man has entertained me thoroughly this week and I thought I would share some of it with you.

    The first story is from Tuesday as I was reminded by my 3-year-old not to take life so seriously. I was sitting at the kitchen table reading article after article on the computer about the Cardinals epic collapse in the baseball playoffs and feeling more and more crestfallen. Then I hear a door open down the hallway and then the sounds of footsteps heading my way. Kyle was supposed to be taking a nap and I was expecting it to be my lovely wife to join me in the kitchen. Well I was wrong. I look up from the doom and gloom on my screen and my frown is turned completely upside down as I see Kyle heading towards the living room completely naked. He peeled off all of his clothes in his room and decided it was party time. He just looked at me, said "Hi Da Da" and then just giggled as he started running around the house playing a game of chase with Tank. Sure I am disappointed my team lost but it is just a game. The game that really matters is being a good Dad to my boy. So I shut the computer down and started playing chase with Tank and that 3-foot-4-inch naked little dude.

    My next Kyle story involves a trip to the grocery store. We went down the road to get some ice cream. It was raining outside so I carried Kyle in my arms as we headed into the store. As I was carrying him, Kyle's butt erupted with a loud fart. I asked him if he tooted, and he said yes. Then I asked him why he tooted on my arm, and he responded with "because that is what Kyles do." I laughed a lot as we entered into the store.

    So how was your week?

    Since I spent the whole time talking about Kyle, I better include a picture of Little Miss Hayden and Tank too.

    I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

    Friday, October 19, 2012

    Random Acts of Shifeness

  • I had to change my comment settings. Sorry. I was getting upwards of 50 spams a day in my e-mail account from "Anonymous" and it was driving me nuts. If you have problem leaving a comment please email me at 
  • The S & M Ranch has a nice ring to it, doesn't it? On a drive one day, Mrs. Shife and I were enjoying the beautiful homes on the way to Sun Valley and a few of them went so far to name their property like "The Anderson Ranch" and stuff like that. We then thought what we would name our ranch, and I came up with "The S & M Ranch." Why? Well S is the first initial in Mrs. Shife's name and M is mine. So yep when we can afford our own ranch that is what we are going to call it. I look forward to the solicitors we might get. 
  • Little Miss Hayden is walking, and I have proof.

  • She also likes to wave, and I have proof of that too.

  • Kyle makes me laugh. We got a new bath tub installed and I asked him if he would like to take a bath in the new tub. There was a moment's hesitation and then he blurted out "Are you kidding me?" He also told me that I turned on the ABC instead of the heat because he was still cold in the car. 
  • If you have a moment, read this inspiring obituary written by the woman herself. She may have lost her battle to cancer but her words will live on and motivate many.
  • I don't do this often but if you would not mind sending positive energy and thoughts to my sister-in-law and her babies that would be awesome. She gave birth to her twins today, and she was only 30 weeks along so they were pretty little - the little girls is 2 pounds, 14 ounces, and the little boy is 3 pounds, 1 ounce. So far everyone is doing well but good thoughts are still needed and appreciated. 
  • Like father, like son. If you are going to be a clown, you have to wear the make up.

  • I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

    Friday, October 12, 2012

    Is it over yet?

    Seriously. I don't think I can handle any more TV featuring arguing idiots, people trying to look good in front of the camera, and folks basically lying about everything. Enough is enough.
    Some one get "Jersey Shore" off the air.
    You thought I was talking about the presidential race and debates. OK you caught me. I was but I just wanted to have a little fun with you. Speaking of fun, here are some excellent Twitter comments regarding the VP debate last night - which I did not watch but I saw some highlights and read some news articles today. Good times. I will be so glad when the race is over so we can get back to the important issues like complaining about the Kardashians.
    • Joe Biden's having a scotch right now while Paul Ryan's mom is putting his "debate participation" certificate on the refrigerator.
    • Paul Ryan slams the door to his room and cries into his Jolly Rancher novelty pillow. "AAAAAAARGH I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM"
    • This debate is like the last episode of LOST I don't get anything that's happening but sense it's about good and evil
    • Biden's not really taking notes. He's just writing LOL LOL LOL on the back of his hand.
    • Joe Biden is like a poor man's Jim Carrey, but Paul Ryan is like a poor man's worst nightmare.
    • Biden's teeth are so white they've already voted for Romney.
    • While Ryan speaks, Biden looks like he's trying to order a drink at the bar and the bartender is ignoring him.
    • Joe Biden keeps laughing during the debate because he can’t stop thinking about Air Bud dunking a basketball.
    • I hear Joe Biden is pretty excited about getting to stay up late this evening.
    • What if tonight's debate just opened with Biden breaking a barstool over Ryan's head?
    • No one has a harder job today than the Secret Service agent who has to keep confiscating pairs of brass knuckles from Joe Biden's pocket.
    • Paul Ryan being coached not to kiss his biceps when asked about "gun control."

    Kyle cruising with Little Miss Hayden. Man oh man I love those two kiddos so much. 

    I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

    Friday, October 05, 2012

    Photo Bomb

    The Shifes are back in town, and it is good to be home. We had a most excellent adventure in Las Vegas and it was a great way to close out September. Below you will find some highlights of our expedition in the form of photos. I hope you enjoy and I hope all is well in your world.

    We let Kyle pack his suitcase and obviously Mrs. Shife and I missed the news about the fruit snack shortage in Las Vegas. He jammed every single fruit snack bag we had in the pantry into his suitcase.

    Besides in desperate need of a pedicure, do you notice anything unusual about my feet? I got stung by a bee or a wasp right before we flew out and it swelled up quite nicely. I just thanked the bee or wasp gods that I did not get hit in the balls because well ... I think you can figure out why. 

    Kyle cruising in my Uncle's neighborhood. He had a blast riding the car all over the place, and he also had a blast petting those three dogs in the background. Every morning the guy would walk his dogs - Kelly, Korey, and Katie MacDougal - by the house and Kyle would run out there to say hello. 

    Any guesses on who the sober driver was for our night out on the town? Mrs. Shife and I took a picture after the concert we saw at The Hard Rock Cafe where we celebrated our anniversary, and one of us really celebrated. We saw The Gaslight Anthem, and they are quickly becoming my new favorite band. Loved seeing them live. They were awesome. And so is my wife for being the designated driver.

    Little Miss Hayden showing off her smile, dimple, and walking skills. She was a big hit with everyone. 

    Little Miss Hayden at the aquarium with Grandpa and Rene. It was the first time she met my Dad and I was so happy that we were able to spend some time with them.

    I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

    Friday, September 21, 2012

    Random Acts of Shifeness

  • I am in mourning. Kyle decided that he no longer wants to nap. He is almost 3 1/2 years old so it was just a matter of time but I am having a hard time adjusting to the little man being around in the afternoon. I mean come on man that is my porn time. 
  • You might be wandering how Kyle told us he no longer wants to nap. Well he ripped off his pull-ups and peed all over his blankets, pillows, and stuffed animals. Not once but two afternoons in a row. I really, really do enjoy being a parent sometimes.=)
  • You might have heard that a panda cub was born at the National Zoo in D.C., and I heard that they had to have the pandas watch a little porn to help get things going in the right direction. So here is a thought ... do you think pandas only watch porn in black and white? 
  • Another thought ... Why is your index finger the same size as your nostrils? I am having a hard time explaining that to Kyle because he thinks picking his nose is awesome. 
  • Final thought ... You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
  • This is the last you will hear from me in a little bit. Please don't get too excited. You might hurt my feelings. I will be away next week as me and the family will be down in Las Vegas so I don't know how much time I will have to post a blog update. 
  • Why Vegas? Well Mrs. Shife and I hate ourselves and we were thinking of the worst place in the  world to take an almost 3 1/2 year old and a 10-month-old. Actually we have family down there so they are going to help watch the kids while Mrs. Shife and I celebrate 8 years of wedded bliss.

  • And here is a picture of my little angel. She has me so wrapped around her fingers. It is definitely extremely easy being in infatuated with this little lady. I love being her daddy.

    I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

    Friday, September 14, 2012

    Deja Puke

    It was late Wednesday of this week, and I just got home from a softball game. It was a nice evening. No real complaints. I got to drink some beers with my friends, play some ball, and enjoy another fine summer evening in Idaho. Then it hit me. An epiphany. A moment of clarity.
    I knew what I was missing from my pretty good night.
    I needed to hug the toilet while I puked my guts out while I was simultaneously clinching my butt cheeks together so I would not crap my pants.
    Yes indeed that is what I wanted.
    Oh boy how I missed having food poisoning. It has been awhile since you last paid me a visit. I still get abdominal cramping when I drive by that Chinese buffet restaurant. All-you-can-vomit and crap for $8.99. Good times.
    So yes that was my Wednesday evening. Evidently I ate some bad pork for lunch and it manifested itself into a full-blown toxic distress of my plumbing. And I what I really love about food poisoning is it is the gift that keeps on giving. It is so awesome waking yourself up at 5 in the morning because you realized that fart was actually a shart and you just shit your pants. Have a great weekend.

    I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

    Friday, September 07, 2012

    I Found It!!!!!

    What did I find? Well that is a picture of me in a dress. It is not exactly me in my prom dress - I might have been using a little hyperbole when I made that statement - but it is definitely me spruced up in a gown. A little background on the photo: I am 21, a freshman in college, and some sorority girls dressed me up for a charity event called the "Hag Drag." I don't like to brag but I must admit I look pretty hot all pimped out like that. Sweet sassy molassey, Mr. Shife is looking good as a a hag. Evidently I was quite proud of my breasts as I was all over myself in that picture. So does that get me off the hook with all of my beloved readers?

    Below is a picture of my new tattoo. What do you think? There is still a little new work that needs to be done but the artist ran out of time so he will get after it next month. I would love to hear your thoughts on what you think it symbolizes. I will tell you what I was going for in the comments section. Anyway I really like it and I thought it turned out well. It really stands out compared to my old tattoo but once the color fades and the other art is added, I think they will blend well together.

    Have a great weekend, and thanks for stopping by. I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

    Thursday, August 30, 2012

    Random Acts of Shifeness

  • Seriously what is up with some of these captcha words I am getting? I am not trying to break into a secure website. I just want to post a snarky comment or buy some concert tickets. For the love of fat bassets, I feel like I need an effin' degree in hieroglyphics to decipher some of the words I have been given. 
  • Five years ago I was meeting a Playmate of the Year at a strip (or peeler bar for my Canadian friends) club with some friends, and now I am meeting Kyle's preschool teacher. Oh how my life has changed. But you know what? I would not change one thing. I am a lucky guy and grateful for my life, wife, and kids. 
  • Kyle got into an awesome preschool that meets twice a week for 2 hours a day, and it is the one we wanted to get him into the whole time. The only drawback is the session he got into starts at 12:45 which is usually nap time so we might have a Stage 5 crankasaurus for a few weeks until he is acclimated to the new schedule. 
  • What is that you say? What about Little Miss Hayden? Well she has about 4 teeth coming in at the same time. Guess what that equals? One unhappy baby. She is being a trooper but the poor little lady is not a happy camper. 
  • Guess what? I have failed you yet again. I am not going to lie to you and say I looked for that picture because I spent exactly 0 hours looking for it. Sorry. It was a tough week. I am a little emotional as the series finale of "Teen Mom" ended and I am not sure how I am going to fill that void in my life. Oh wait there is "Teen Mom 2." Sweet. Anyway, I swear I do have one, and I will find it but it just did not happen this week. But here is a little something to satisfy your curiosity of a dude wearing a dress:

  • I also thought the dude in a wedding dress was a nice segue to my anniversary My wife and I will be celebrating 8 years of wedded bliss next month and we are enjoying ourselves by going to Vegas. The traditional wedding gift for this time frame is bronze so I figured I would take the lovely Mrs. Shife to place where she work on her tan and I can play penny slots since that is all I can afford with 2 kids.
  • I hope everyone has a great Labor Day weekend, and thanks for stopping by.

    I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.  
  • Friday, August 24, 2012

    Little Miss Hayden

    Evidently I owe everyone a picture of me in a prom dress. Holy cannoli!!!! I did not expect that kind of response at all. Well here you go. Guess which one is me?

    If you guessed none of those dudes then you are correct. I do have a picture of me in a dress that I am going to share but I have to find it first and this was not a good week for me trying to find stuff.
    Coming soon.
    I promise.
    In the mean time, I accomplished something else I have been trying to get done for a some time now. It is a new video of Little Miss Hayden from about 2-months-old to her current age, 9-months-old. Hope you like it and I hope you have a wonderful weekend.
    Take care .

    I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

    Thursday, August 16, 2012

    Random Acts of Shifeness

  • A couple of milestones at the Shifley household. First, Little Miss Hayden discovered that the doggie door is a portal to a whole new world. I came into the living room looking for her and she was out on the deck hanging with Tank. Second, Kyle started pre-school this week. He is only going twice a week for about 3 hours a day but still letting him go that first day made my heart ache so bad. He is doing good so far and seems to like it. 
  • Maybe it is just me being a dude but when I get a phone call from a gal named Cinnamon I expect her to tell me someone found my wallet at the strip club. I am not anticipating that Cinnamon is the on-call nurse for my doctor giving me some prescription information. Cinnamon also makes a great safe word if you and your significant other are into some weird stuff in the bedroom. 
  • My quote of the week: Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. ― Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • My parenting tip of the week: 90% of parenting is waiting for the other parent to do something about it. I think that tip is going to get me a time out once Mrs. Shife reads it. And now that I have used the word tip twice in this bullet point I feel the need to reference "Wedding Crashers": Perhaps play a little game called "just the tip". Just for a second, just to see how it feels. 
  • I don't mean to brag but I can still fit in my prom dress. Come on I have to throw a curve ball in there just to see if you are actually paying attention. 
  • I have mentioned this previously but I am on the lookout for new music and one of the new bands I came across is called The Gaslight Anthem. Absolutely loving them right now. 
  • Here are some before and after pictures of the floor. Sorry they don't give you a better view of what we did but trust me we are extremely happy to no longer have carpet in our dining room. My little model is doing her best to show you that hardwood floors rule.

  • I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

    Thursday, August 09, 2012

    Home Alone

    Mrs. Shife and the kids have left me.
    But they are coming back.
    We had new hardwood floor installed in our dining room, and then the rest of hardwood re-finished so it looks fancy like the newly installed hardwood. Unfortunately that process involves relocating a whole bunch of furniture, stinky chemicals, lots of noise, and basically a home environment that would leave Mrs. Shife, Kyle Bunga, and Hayden Belle not too happy. So they went on an airplane ride to visit Grandma and Grandpa, and Tank and I were left behind to take of things at the house. Since the process involves stinky chemicals Tank and I had to sleep outside in our backyard because I didn't think it was a good idea to inhale more chemicals to further deplete my thinning brain cells. And huffing some hallucinogenic chemicals can only lead to questionable and regrettable decision making.
    So I pitched a tent.
    I will let that sink in for a minute to see where your mind goes.
    If you literally thought I pitched a tent then good for you because that is what I exactly did so Tank and I could breath some fresh air, enjoy the star gazing, and peeing on trees. Note to self: Turn off sprinklers next time so you don't get an early morning shower at 4 in the morning.
    Now if you figuratively thought I pitched a tent then ... What the hell? How dare you think I would talk about boners on my blog. For the love of bassets, you know I like to keep things clean around here and never talk about inappropriate stuff. Yeah I had to chuckle a little bit at that last sentence too.
    Anyway enough of my shenanigans. Maybe I did inhale a little bit too much of those chemicals.
    The family is back tomorrow so I have to pick up the house.
    Hope your week has been a good one, and you have a great weekend.

    P.S. And here is a video promoting a new show on TLC, This really gives me hope for the future of America, and yes this sentence was sponsored by sarcasm. Oh and the video is safe just scary because of what they are putting on TV these days.

    I even miss his pouty face. 

    I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

    Friday, August 03, 2012

    Well That Happened

    You can file this under WTF Friday or Adventures in Potty Training or Things I Never Need to See or Discuss With My Son Again or Is There a Full Moon Tonight? or I Hope My Mom Thinks This is Funny or I Will Laugh About This in a Year or Two But Tonight I Need a Roofie or It Gets Easier Being a Dad, Right? or I Picked The Wrong Week to Quit Sniffing Glue.

    So let me paint you a picture. I am walking into the kitchen and as I turn the corner I witness something I was not prepared to witness. And it is definitely not something that was covered in those baby basics classes you take before you meet your bundle of joy or in one of those what to expect when you are expecting books. What are you doing is what I said, but inside I was saying something that would make my Navy boot camp instructor proud.
    I saw my 3-year-old preparing to pee on his sister.
    Yep, you read that right.
    I don't know if in Kyle's mind he thought this would be the most effective way to show Hayden the chain-of-command in the Shifley household or if he is just a a 3-year-old boy being a 3-year-old boy. I am not exactly sure if he would have completed the act since I walked in on him but he was in the locked and loaded position with an all systems are a go look in his eye. I remained as calm as I could be and removed Hayden from the line of fire. Then I reminded my little boy that we don't pee on our sister or any other person, and we only pee in the toilet.
    Of all the trials and tribulations I expected raising a boy this definitely was not the list, but then again I never thought I would be raising a little boy so me and him will continue to take it day-by-day and hope his nickname is not Golden Showers in high school.

    This might have been the look Hayden was giving Kyle when he attempted to mark his territory.

    P.S. No hangover last weekend. Yay me!!

    I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

    Thursday, July 26, 2012

    Wish List

    So here is a nice little list of things that would be way more awesome if they only lasted 10 seconds or less. What do you think? 
    1. Jury duty
    2. Awkward first dates
    3. Going to the DMV
    4. Visiting the dentist
    5. Waiting in line at the post office
    6. Going through airport security 
    7. Riding public transportation
    8. Falling asleep 
    9. Calling tech support
    10. And last but not least the hangover I am going to have Saturday morning.
    Now did #10 catch your attention? You might be wondering why oh why is Mr. Shife is scheduling a hangover for Saturday morning. Well I am not planning on it but odds are that I will have one because I know me and me is going to forgot that he is 42 and probably also forgot that he should not be drinking until 3 in the morning. I am getting together with my fraternity brothers for our annual drunkfest ... errr reunion and I never know how these things are going to play out when I am back together with the boys. The plan is to have a few beers, reminisce, and come home before midnight. I also planned on being a member of Jamaican bobsled team. Sometimes a plan doesn't come together. Wish me luck. And I hope your weekend goes according to planned. 

    Little Miss Hayden is not going to give two poopy diapers if I have a hangover. 

    I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

    Friday, July 20, 2012

    Random Acts of Shifeness

  • At one point in my life I actually kept up to date with music and actually introduced people to new artists. Oh how times have changed. Now I am rocking out to NPR in the car or listening to "Victor Vito" with Kyle. But the last few days I was able to download some new music and I am enjoying O.A.R. and The Lumineers. 
  • When I was a teenager I got yelled at by my Dad a lot for spending too much time in the bathroom. Get your mind out of the gutter. I was actually making sure my hair was perfectly feathered before I took the garbage out to the community dumpster (we lived on a military base so you had to walk a bit to take out the trash) because you never know how many teenage girls you might encounter on your trip to the giant garbage can. Nowadays I spend a lot time in the bathroom - again get out of the gutter - but I am busy removing hair when I really don't want it. Still not sure why we have not evolved enough to be done with ear hair. 
  • Little Miss Hayden is frickin' 8-months-old. Can you believe that? 
  • Kyle is still 3 and it appears that we almost have a potty trained boy. He still needs to wear Pull-Ups at night and during naps but other than that he is doing awesome. The only problem we might have is that he really does not care for underwear so he spends most of the day going commando. At this point, I don't care. Once he is a graduate of the Shifley Potty Training Academy then we can start worrying about the banana hammocks. 
  • Have I mentioned that Craig Ferguson makes me LOL? I seriously laugh out loud watching this man. 
  • I had no idea when I woke up this morning I would have to talk about this but as a parent and just a dude who gives a shit ... what in the hell is wrong with our effin' species? Unfortunately, we live in a violent world and I have become numb to a lot of things but I am deeply bothered and saddened by the tragic loss of live at the theater in Colorado. How many of these senseless tragedies will it take before we starting taking the action to prevent this from happening again? I think Americans have a right to own guns but for the life of me I don't know why we need to have assault weapons. 
  • This got depressing real fast. Below are pictures of my pride and joy. Initially I thought against putting their pictures on this post because of the last statement, but then I reminded myself when tragedies like this do strike it is important to remember why life is so precious and important. You have to enjoy each day and let those people know that you love them because you just never know when your time is up. 
  • “When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they can seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall. Think of it--always.” ― Mahatma Gandhi
  • Enjoy your weekend. Thanks for stopping and take care of yourself.

  • I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

    Friday, July 13, 2012

    The Pole Position

    To the best of my knowledge and beliefs, the words I am about to type are true and no names have been changed to protect their drunken behavior. 
    Like so many other great ideas, this great idea was concocted after the consumption of too many beers. It was 2002 and a cold Friday night with not a lot going on in Boise so naturally me and friends decided to drink beers after work until we found something to do because that is how all epic failures, I mean adventures begin. After a few beers and a cab ride downtown, we were at a bar doing the same thing we were doing at my friend's house: drinking beers and trying to figure out what to do. At least now we were in a bar where we could people watch and make fun others which made us feel better about ourselves. Fast forward a few hours later, and try to guess what we were doing.
    And ... time is up.
    All of you who answered bung darts with lemur monkeys are absolutely in need of therapy.
    Of course we were still drinking, making fun of others, and still figuring out what to do. I would guess we are about 5 hours into the drinking - and did I mention I am a professional drinker so this is par for the course. After a stint in the Navy, and 5 years in fraternity, it is safe to say I could put away a few beers. Now don't be alarmed as I am fully retired from those days as I have a wife, kids, and other responsibilities that do not mesh well with being a professional drinker. OK I need to focus and get going with this story. Finally an epiphany was found at the bottom of one of the beer bottles or it might have been a poster in the bathroom. We need to go to a strip club. We put it to a vote. All in favor say I, and we reminded those who didn't say I that we will hide condiments in uncomfortable spaces in their body's orifices after they pass out.
    Surprisingly it was unanimous.
    Off to the strip club we go, and then I remembered why I don't like strip clubs. The drinks are way overpriced, it is dark for a reason and those reasons frighten me, it is loud, it is a little depressing, it gets boring pretty quickly, and I can think of better things to do than spend $20 dances on a 2-minute lap dance like drink beers and make fun of other people.
    We have been at the club for about an hour and I am done. Ready to move on to another destination. I look at my friends and they have the same look of apathy. Remember it is loud and trying to hold a conversation is almost as impossible as getting the Democrats and Republicans to agree on anything so I do what any good friend would do and take matters into my own hands.
    I notice there was break in the action between dancers as Sultry Smegma just finished and Curvaceous Crustina was about to take the main stage so with the calmness, poise, grace, and charm of a Wal-Mart shopper on Black Friday I leapt to my feet and jumped on the stage. Knowing I had mere seconds before I would be "gently" taken off stage by some yoked-up neanderthals, I had to make this moment  legend .... wait for it .... dary. I hopped up on the pole and starting to pull myself up as fast as I could. The "friendly" staff made their way to the stage but I was out of reach of their dinosaur arms. And I just kept climbing, and then looking down waving to my buddies who of course were cheering me on, and then looking at the "pleasant" bouncers (Honestly I think they were more pissed because I interrupted their "How You Can Read At A 6th-Grade Level in 3 Simple Lessons" meeting) to show them how the universal signal for you are #1. This little game continued for a few more minutes, and then I graciously came down from my pole perch to face my punishment. The "kind" men escorted me and my friends out of the building, and "politely" told us we were banned for life. I did get a few singles shoved into my Levis so the cab ride home was on me as we went back to my buddy's house where we .... you will never believe it .... drank a few beers trying to figure out something to do tomorrow. 
    Have a nice weekend.

    I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

    Friday, July 06, 2012

    Stuffing the Teddy Bear

    In the spirit of Ambushed Paddingtons, I proudly present the magnificent story of Charles Marshall. This definitely falls under the "You Have to Read This OneTo Believe It" category. So I guess Mr. Marshall is into plushophilia, which is liking one of your stuffed animals a little too much. It is being sexually attracted to stuffed animals or people dressed in animal costumes. Some plushophiles like to masturbate using small stuffed animals, and some like to dress up in costumes and have sex with others wearing costumes.
    Honestly, I did not wake up today thinking I was going to be writing about a dude who takes a play date with his teddy bear to a whole new level. And for those of you scoring at home that is back-to-back stories about masturbating on my blog. Hey somebody has to do it. The Shife abides. I am sure my therapist would have some interesting insight into that fact. So below is the whole story about the dude and his forbidden romance with the bear. I look forward to CNN special to find out if the bear was really asking for it because the bear is always hanging out naked and stuff. I also really hope Charles did not work at a Build-A-Bear workshop if you know what I mean.
    You can read the whole story here if the image is not big enough.

    Hope you have a wonderful weekend and thanks for stopping by. Sorry I don't have something more substantial to offer but I am still on vacation. =) Actually we just got back and it was nice being off the grid for more than 3 days. The Internet and cell phones have a lot of advantages but I think it should be mandatory for everyone to take a little siesta from them once a year just to unwind and relax.

    I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

    Friday, June 29, 2012

    Help Save Lives

    I don't know if this post needs some kind of warning or if everyone who visits has come to realize that you are never surprised at what you find on my blog. Anyway, if the visions that start to appear in your head are too graphic while reading, please use our safety word. The safety word today is cinnamon.
    Well here it goes.

    I like to think that I look at the world differently than a lot of people. Maybe the following thought process will illustrate that or it just might show me that I am not necessarily all that ground breaking in my musings or it might just show that some thoughts should be kept to myself.

    So for the last week or so, we have received at least one call a day from an outfit that shows up on the Caller ID as "Help Save Lives." I am sure it is a reputable company doing outstanding work for people who truly need help hence the Caller ID name "Help Save Lives." Unfortunately, yours truly takes a different route. I don't know if it is because I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue but I like to imagine that it is a sperm bank calling because they received word about how I enjoy my own company if you know what I mean. They are concerned that millions and millions of potential lives are being flushed down the toilet, and that I am not doing enough to "Help Save Lives." 
    If they did decided to leave me a message on the answering machine, I am sure it would go something like this: "Hello, Mr. Shife, this is Beth from the Squeeze-n-Freeze Sperm Bank. Please stop enjoying your own company at home and come donate at one of our state-of-the-art ejaculation stations. For a small inconvenience you can make an enormous difference, and give the gift of life. Please call us today at 1-800-GO-SPERM."

    After writing this, I am reminded of this sperm donation joke.
    A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
    Man: "What are you doing here today?"
    Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."
    Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."
    The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.
    About a week later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.
    Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
    Woman: "Unh unh," she replies, her mouth tightly closed.

    I can't wait to see what kind of spam I get this week.
    Take care, and I hope you have a wonderful Fourth of July.

    I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

    Friday, June 22, 2012

    Random Acts of Shifeness

    • As the weather has finally warmed up here in our neck of the woods, I have been able to get some work done outside. Awesome, but I am reminded of cosmic laws. It seems that any time my hands become coated with grease or oil, my nose will begin to itch and I have have to pee. 
    • Another cosmic law. We got new carpet installed in our TV room. Occasionally, Kyle gets to eat in there while he watches his cartoons. The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor is directly correlated to the newness of the carpet. 
    • Mrs. Shife and I got a sitter for the first time since Hayden was born. It was nice to get out of the house and spend a few hours together without the germ farmers. We went and saw "Rock of Ages." It isn't the best movie but it was fun because we got to relive some of our much younger days thanks to the music from the film. Lots of great memories goes along with those songs. 
    • I hurt my leg playing indoor soccer about 7 months ago, and despite physical therapy along with lots of rest, the leg just does not feel right. My doctor found nothing out of the ordinary when I saw him so I decided to try out a chiropractor. I am one of those people that is a little skeptical of the chiropractic way but so far my leg has felt a lot better. I am hoping being out of alignment is the reason for my leg pain and a few adjustments will have me feeling more normal. 
    • Been watching a lot of Euro 2012. Really, really enjoy watching good soccer. It has totally passed baseball as one of my favorite sports to watch. 
    • I have a new boyfriend and his name is Craig Ferguson. I enjoyed his work on "The Drew Carey Show" and just happened to catch his late night show recently. Well I am glad I did because he makes me laugh out loud. 
    • Little Miss Hayden just turned 7-months-old and if I had to guess, I would say she will officially be a crawler by the time I update this blog next week. She is just a little bundle of energy right now trying to move as fast as she can in every single direction. I am not sure how much big brother is going to like it when she is able to get into his toys. 
    • I want to thank each and every one of you who come by and visit my blog. Without you, I would not be doing this. You have been there for some of my proudest moments and unfortunately some of my darkest days. Your words have given me hope and the strength to keep fighting the good fight, and lifted me up when I needed it. Hopefully one day I will be able to meet some of you in person to tell you how much I appreciate you being apart of my world.
      “He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has.” — Epictetus. 
    • Well that is about it for now. Whatever you do, make it great. Have a good weekend.

    I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

    Friday, June 15, 2012

    My Summer Must-Do List

    Nothing too original this week as I spent most of my free time deleting penis enlargement emails thanks to the blog post last week. Kinda scary sometimes how your Google searches lead to massive spam emails and ads on websites you visit. Some of you may have seen this list floating around on the Internet so if you have seen it - sorry - but if you have not, please enjoy. And I must admit that #6 and #10 are my favorites. 

    1. Make vanilla pudding. Put in mayo jar. Eat in public.
    2. Hire two private investigators. Get them to follow each other.
    3. Wear shirt that says "Life." Hand out lemons on street corner.
    4. Get into a crowded elevator and say "I bet you're all wondering why I gathered you here today."
    5. Major in philosophy. Ask people WHY they would like fries with that.
    6. Run into a bar wearing a helmet covered in tin foil and ask if it is 2012. When people answer yes, then run back out of the bar cheering and yelling "It worked." 
    7. Become a doctor. Change last name to Acula.
    8. Change name to Simon. Speak in third person.
    9. Buy a parrot. Teach the parrot to say "Help! I've been turned into a parrot."
    10. Follow joggers around in your car blasting "Eye of the Tiger" for encouragement. 

    Here is Little Miss Hayden all dressed up for her 6-month-old portraits.

    I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

    Friday, June 08, 2012

    You Can't Unring That Bell

    Don't you wish life had an undo button like the control Z function on your computer? There are just some things you can't unsee or unhear that will leave scars that not even time or 27 Jagermeister shots can help erase. So this tale begins many years ago when a technology-challenged and older relative asked for my help setting up their email account. I was glad to help, and help I did. Fast forward a few weeks and they ask for my help again because they are having trouble adding attachments or sending the right checking account information to a Nigerian prince. It was one thing or another but I had to get into their account to see what was going on and causing the problems. Their inbox was full of the normal stuff. Emails from friends, some silly spams, business correspondences, and then there was the email that froze time, made me throw up a little bit in my mouth, and made atheists believe in God. Yes it was quite a powerful email. And yes my descriptions might be a little harsh but this is one of those things that you don't want to know and you definitely don't want the mental image. I also need to let you know that this older relative had just started dating a new lady friend. Did the light bulb go off? Actually now that I re-read those last few sentences, you might have a few different light bulbs going off. So what did I see? An email that a free trial of a Extenze will be arriving shortly. Yes that Extenze. The one that is supposed to make your wiener a little bigger all naturally. Awesome. Doesn't that paint a pretty picture? Exactly what I was missing from my day. Confirmation that my relative is popping pills to supplement his sausage. Boy did I need a drink after that. Unfortunately, when I went to grab a beer from the fridge, the horror show continued as I discovered all we had were longnecks.

    I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

    Thursday, May 31, 2012

    Dropping a Deuce

    I hope the title of this blog post does not have you cringing and worrying that I am going to take off my hat, and then just dump a hot, fresh pile of clever and witty thoughts. Sorry. Not today. And sorry for painting that unflattering and unnecessary picture. I am just going to share 2 things today. That is all.

  • My e-mail address is, and every time I tell someone that address over the phone, I always have to spell it out because what I say and what they hear are not even in the same county. It is always interesting what they come up with. I guess it is probably a little like going through the drive-thru and having to repeat your order 47 times. So I say "M ... R ... S ... H ... I ... F as in Frank ... E ..." The F is always tricky over the phone as I must mumble or I sound like I am gargling Doritos when I pronounce my Fs. Anyway just to be a devilish bastard I am thinking about adding to my list of e-mail addresses. I guess I am feeling ornery today.
  • The second item of the blog post is a video of Hayden with Kyle's voice in the background trying to make her laugh. The princess was having a rough morning as you can see in the video by how red her eyes are from crying,  and I could not do anything to make her happy but big brother came to the rescue. He was bouncing around on the couch and making dragon noises and evidently that is what appeases 6-month-old baby girls these days. I think my Daddy certification training for 6-month-olds might have expired.

  •  I will persevere. I will be moving forward. I will be the stream.

    Friday, May 25, 2012

    Random Acts of Shifeness

  • Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and support regarding my Aunt Alice. I appreciate each and every one, and I extremely grateful that you take the time to stop by and say what you have to say. 
  • After returning from St. Louis, it has been a busy week at the Shifley household. The one and only awesome 3-year-old in our house pooped in the toilet. When he showed me his accomplishment I think I scared him because I was so excited about what he did. So it looks like we are getting close to getting this potty training thing knocked off the to-do list.
  • Kyle also traded in his toddler bed for his bunk bed. He is pretty excited to be in a "big boy" bed and I am pretty excited that it is finally put together. Sweet Lincoln's mullet that was a project. I knew being a parent had some tough times but being the chief engineer on some of these builds can be frustrating on both my mental facilities and my liver. 
  • Also this week, Little Miss Hayden turned 6-months-old. She is doing well and hitting all the right numbers on the charts. She is growing up so fast and is already starting to accessorize.

    • Finding this quote by Bob Marley - "Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." - especially relevant this week. I was hurt recently by a person I have known for a long time, and this person has hurt me numerous times in the past. From my vantage point, I have done a lot for this person but I will no longer be helping out as they are not worth the anguish. It hurts me to do it but it needs to be done.
    • Here is a little amusement to balance out some of the humorless points: Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
    • Hope you have a wonderful Memorial Day weekend. As we gather with family and friends on Memorial Day, we need to remember to celebrate the blessings of our hard-won freedom and those who made it possible. 

    I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

    Friday, May 18, 2012

    Goodbye Aunt Alice

    I am in St. Louis today to pay my final respects to a great lady. My wonderful Aunt Alice passed away this week just shy of her 96th birthday. We knew it was coming but it still does not soften the blow. On the one hand, I am comforted that she is no longer prevented from doing things as the last few years have not been kind as her once-sharp mind and able body fell to the ravages of time and disease. The Shifleys numbers have certainly dwindled over the years, and Aunt Alice was my last connection to that part of my life so watching her deteriorate was certainly upsetting. I was robbed of the opportunity to talk with her as she was too weak to hold a phone much less engage in small talk with me. I still corresponded with her through letters and cards but I greatly missed being able to hold a conversation with her especially about the Cardinals or the Blues.  After my Mom, she is the other woman that had a deep and substantial influence on my life, and without her guidance and support I don’t think I would be where I am at today. Unable to have children of her own, I leaned on her for advice to decide if having kids was something that I really wanted in my life as I had resisted that endeavor for many years. She told me without hesitation that I definitely needed to try and start a family.  She also bailed me out in college when a momentary lapse of sound decision making left me embarrassed and without enough money to finish the semester. I asked for help from others but no one else could lend a helping hand, and Aunt Alice did not make it easy on me. She thought long and hard about it before saying “OK” to really let me know that I had done something irresponsible and it was one of those pivotal moments in my life where I could have been sent adrift but she was there to help keep me on course to complete my studies so I would eventually graduate, and eventually meet the love of my life, the lovely Mrs. Shife. Without Aunt Alice in my life, I have no idea where I would be today, but thankfully her guidance, generosity, and love, I have ended up right where she knew I should be, blessed with the love of wonderful family and friends just like the ones that were here today to say good bye to her. Thank you Aunt Alice for being a role model, an inspiration, and a guiding light in my life and for so many countless others. You will be missed.

    Some people come into our lives
    and leave footprints on our hearts
    and we are never ever the same.  -- Flavia Weedn

    P.S. I will visit your blogs soon I promise but it is hard right now as I am out of town and spending time with family. Take care.

    I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

    Friday, May 11, 2012

    Do You Take This Man?

    Gay marriage was kind of a big deal in the news this week. I don't know how you feel on the matter but I support same-sex marriage. I just think it is crazy that in the year 2012 people are being denied their civil rights. As best as I can tell, we only get one ride on the roller coaster of life so if you find that one special person who makes you happy then go for it. Life on Earth can be hard and I think everyone should go be able to go through it with a person they love. You may disagree with my opinion - and that is totally cool - but I just hope your reasons are not because it is in the Bible. As you will read below, it may not be a great idea to do everything the Bible tells us to do. 

    On her radio show sometime prior to 2004, Dr. Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant 
    Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, 
    and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an 
    open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted on the 
    Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:
    Dear Dr. Laura:
    Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law.
    I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge
    with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual
    lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly
    states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

    I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of
    God's Law and how to follow them.

    1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
    pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They
    claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

    2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus
    . In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

    3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her
    period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I
    tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

    4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and
    female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A
    friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not
    Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

    5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2.
    The passage clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated
    to kill him myself?

    6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
    abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I
    don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

    7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a
    defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my
    vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

    8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
    around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27.
    How should they die?

    9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me
    unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

    10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different
    crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two
    different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse
    and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of
    getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we
    just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people
    who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

    I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable
    expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help.

    Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

    Your adoring fan,

    I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.