Thursday, August 23, 2007

#5

How about 5 0r 6 reasons someone might think I am gay.

  1. I am sensitive.
  2. I like to shop.
  3. My favorite song that I like to karaoke to is "I Want it That Way" by The Backstreet Boys.
  4. I do a lot of manscaping – plucking, tweezing, and shaving of the body hair.
  5. My ringtone is the "The Final Countdown" by Europe.
  6. And I don't know how I overlooked this one (Thank you Phats for reminding me), but I have a strange obsession with David Hasselhoff.

Actually there could be 15 or 20 reasons. I could fit every homosexual stereotype there is but there will always be one overriding factor that makes me not gay – I don’t like balls bouncing off my chin. I was going to be a little more vulgar and say something like a cock in my mouth, but I decided to … ooops I did it anyway.

But someone might say how do you know Mr. Shife if you never tried it? And Mr. Shife would say it is just one of those things where Mr. Shife (Don’t you hate it when people talk about themselves in third person) is 100% positive he doesn’t need to try it to be certain he would not like it. Like I know I don’t want to circumnavigate the world with Flavor Flav or spend an intimate evening with Star Jones or have an Ambushed Paddington or join the Michael Vick fan club. I will never do any of those things because I know me, and me will not like.


That’s all for this week folks. The next time we speak I will be minus two molars and enjoying life in an altered state. I hope I get some awesome pain meds. Have a great weekend. Talk to you soon.

16 comments:

Phats said...

Umm shouldn't the #1 reason be you like the hoff? If that's not gay I am not sure what is, although you'd be among many if you moved to Germany.

angel, jr. said...

Did you watch Hoff serenade everyone on "Americas Got Talent"?

Okay, hope you fair well with the aftermath of having your teeth pulled!! I heard the after pain hurts.

cher said...

In the words of EazyE "If you're gonna put my dick in your mouth I'll put my nuts on your chin....Nuts on your chin!" Man I forgot all about that song!

You're gay. That's hot.

manscaping....ah ahahaha...

Tina said...

LMAO at Manscaping!

Phats has the idea - I was bout to say your fifth reason should be your hot obsession for tha Hoffmeister ;)

Think gay, errr..umm happy thoughts at the dentist! You will be fine and you get at least a week of groovy meds wooooo :D

Travis Erwin said...

Try writing women's fiction out and try to convince people you're not gay.

One time I was a writing conference and we all submitted pages anonymously for an editor to evaluate. Then she chose certain stories for people to get up and read in front of the other attendees.

Mine got selected and she stopped me right in the middle of reading the first sentence and said, "I would have bet my life a woman wrote this, or of not a gay man." That's hard to live down among your fellow writers.

She went on to say it was because rarley did straight men write with the sense of emotion and observance that I did, so technically it was a compliment.

cher said...

travis. seriously stiff competition dude.
just keep writing

Jon said...

You're not alone. I manscape, I put clear nail polish on my fingernails, and I'm obsessed with things being neat and clean. My wife calls them "Metro-Tendencies".

Tena said...

Are you thin, too? Do you carry a man purse? (Not that there's anything wrong with it.)

the rube said...

were you born like this or are you a product of the liberal media?

throw out all your melissa etheridge albums. she's one of the head recruiters.

Skiingred said...

Did you get to keep your teeth?

Travis Erwin said...

You're a winner! Head over to my blog for details.

cher said...

i hit the wildcat pretty hard last night. now i must nap. roar!

Design Goddess said...

I don't think you can count having your ring-tone be "The Final Countdown" as a way to establish homosexuality. I mean, it's GOB's theme-song!! Do you think a lot of gay people watched AD?! Ugly Betty? Yes. Arrested Development? Not so much.

Design Goddess said...

Oh and hopefully you got the nice drugs for after your surgery and you're still as wise as you were prior to them being yanked!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I do a mean Backstreet Boys back-up singer. It's all in the hand motions . . .

I'm adding you to my blogroll. That's long overdue.

honkeie2 said...

I might be gay too....except one of my closet bands is Agua. You known...Barbie girl haha.
And dont mess with the Hoff-man!