Friday, December 17, 2010

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

It is hard to believe it is that time of the year again but when I go jogging in my sports bra I am definitely reminded it is December. Just want to wish you and yours a wonderful Christmas and a Happy New Year. I will see you in 2011, and until then remember, not on the rug, man.

Thursday, December 09, 2010

If I Had One Wish

Maybe it is because it is the holidays or maybe it just is one of those days, but whatever the case might be I am missing my Mother. Sometimes I just cry and sometimes I write and sometimes I share what I write. Well today I am sharing. It is what it is, and the Dumb, White Guy blog is a little melancholy today but I have to put this out there. I don't mean to bring you down but for me to have to happiness I must also deal with the sadness, and I am using this forum to express myself.

If I had one wish
Would I wish for you to be here with me one more day?

If I had one wish
Would I wish for you to be here with me one more day to meet your grandson?

If I had one wish
Would I wish for you to be here with me one more day to meet your grandson and see how your love will never end?

But if I had just one wish
I know what you would say, “Don’t worry I am with you and Kyle every day.

So if I had just one wish
I would give it to someone else’s son because Mother you made all my wishes happen.

Here is a picture of my Mom with my nephew and sister. My nephew at the time would roughly be about the same age as my little man so it is a picture that I think about a lot when I am missing my Mom because I think that could be me and Kyle with her.

Friday, December 03, 2010

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • Happy Thanksgiving. Oh wait that was last week. I need a time machine. For the love of fat bassets I really need to get it together. Don't worry about me, I'm just gonna go make a little macaroni and cheese, seal the windows, and turn on the gas. Well I hope you had a lovely holiday and all of your turkey day wishes came true.
  • Nothing like feeding my son a hot dog 2 weeks past its expiration date and then having him barf it all up in the middle of Target to make me feel like I am doing an outstanding job as a parent. I don't think Kyle will be getting me that World's Greatest Dad mug anytime soon.
  • Never underestimate the importance of grammar. Thanks to Yellow Dog Granny for bringing this to my attention. Capitalization is the difference between "I had to help my uncle Jack off a horse.." and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse.."
  • Joke of the day: Every day, a male co-worker would walk up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhale a big breath of air and tell her that her hair smells nice.
    After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
    The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
    The woman replies, "Its Keith, the midget."
  • I shared this on Facebook but some of you don't do Facebook or don't do me on Facebook.
    I don't know what the normal addiction rate is but Kyle held out for 20 months before he succumbed to the powers of Elmo mania. The little man is a full-blown junkie and I am his dealer.
  • Saw this headline on the Discovery News, Teenage Great White Sharks Have Weak Bite. Definitely one of those things where I will take their word on it.
Here is the Shifley crew at this year's Thanksgiving. We hadn't eaten yet so that is why our pants still fit.

Friday, November 19, 2010

What is Up, Buttercup

Hope all is well in your world. These are currently the top headlines at the Shife household:
  • It would be nice to enjoy the sweet taste of victory after watching football again. Both of my teams (University of Idaho and Arizona Cardinals) are circling the drain so I will be drinking the taint-flavored frappuccino that is designated for losers because they both suck and a win does not look like it will be dropping its panties anytime soon.
  • I made a terrible mistake and accidentally erased a voice mail on my home phone. It was the only recording I had of my Mom so I was pretty upset that I lost it.
  • I had to end my love affair with Mtn. Dew recently. I was just drinking it like they were going to quit making it. I am pretty sure Carrie Underwood is going to write a song about us. Anyway it has been 5 days since my last Dew binge.
  • I have been taught this lesson numerous times since becoming a Dad but for some reason I still don't learn. Just when you think you have your kid figured out they throw you a giant frickin' curve ball just to let you know that they are the ones running the show. Lil' Shife has been sleeping like a champ through the night and all is well in the Shifley manor. Then last night he is up for 4 straight hours and I have no idea what is going on with him. Good times.
  • The Tankster graduates from obedience class tonight. He is the first one from his family to graduate so we are all very excited for him.
  • And Kyle is finally starting to grow some hair so we were able to give him a little bit of a mohawk look.

Friday, November 12, 2010


So this is one of the latest pictures of the Tankster. As you can see he is definitely an overachiever and doing extremely well in his fat basset courses. Someone's trunk has gotten a little bit larger since he moved in with us because he barely cram his furry little butt on the ottoman. He managed to stay in that position for most of the night but eventually gravity won and he had to relocate to a space that was a little more accommodating to his rear admiral.

Someone has been watching too much "Jersey Shore." Kyle decided to sport the vest and hit the town so he could creep on the ladies. He just looks like he is ready to go clubbin' with Snooki and The Situation.

Finally with Christmas just around the corner I thought I would help out some of my faithful blog readers who want to find a very special gift for the man in their life. Nothing will say Happy Holidays like The Tuggie.

Friday, November 05, 2010

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • This is my blog. This is my blog on sleep deprivation. It has been rough sledding for Mr. Shife lately. Lil' Shife has been sick, getting new teeth, sleep training, and learning to live without his binky (pacifier) so he has had some meltdowns in the wee hours of the morning. When I order my second child I will definitely be putting a check next to the sleep box.
  • We want Kyle to be a recreational binky user and not a full-blown binky junkie so we have started having him go to sleep without the comfort of his pacifier. It is safe to say he did not support our decision.
  • And in more binky news. To make matters less than spectacular when we went to story time yesterday the kid sitting next to Kyle was sucking on a binky the whole time like it was the last effin' binky in the whole world, and my little man was just staring him down like it was the last effin' binky in the whole world. He had that look where he just wanted to go snatch the pacifier right out of his little baby mouth. Then to make matters even more less than the spectacular (My English teacher is so happy right now with that sloppy sentence construction), one of the stories was about a baby who lost his binky.
  • Bored. Google Nut Valet.
  • Still Bored. Go to Google Maps and get directions from Japan to China. Check out #43.
  • Oh I love Thursdays because one of my favorite shows is on, "The League." I chuckle out loud when I hear stuff yank bank, fear boner, anticipaterection, and songs by Taco like Ghost Monkey.
  • I found this quote on The Daily Show rather amusing: "John Boehner will be the new Speaker of the House. It is the highest elected office ever to be reached by an Orange-American." If you have never seen a picture of Boehner he looks like he spends more time in the tanning salon than the cast of The Jersey Shore.
  • Speaking of politics, I really, really detest politicians especially after reading this garbage today. It would be nice if they could act like big boys and actually remembered why they are there in the first place.
  • Am I a sports performance decreasing drug? I swear every time I turn on the TV to watch my football team they instantly start playing like crap, but once I turn it off they do fine.
  • Well have a lovely weekend, and I will talk to you later. Here is a picture of someone ready to go for a ride. I am pretty sure he wanted to go to the police station to file a report that someone stole all of his binkies.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Your one-stop shop for inappropriate boners

Sorry I had to break the Random Acts streak and go with something else this week. Actually I don't have much of a post this week because I devoted most of my blogging time being the guest picker for my buddy Phats over at his blog. So if you are interested in what I have to say about football picks you can check it out. And if you do read my picks you will know why I have not made a small fortune as a professional gambler.

So here we are and not too much to write about. I took a look at some of the keywords that bring people to my blog and as always it is quite interesting. Before we begin I am a little disappointed that people are no longer searching for gay swamp butt (yep I am #1 on Google for that search term) or ambushed paddington (#4). I blame it on the tough economy. But here a few of the keywords people do use to end up on my blog:

  1. inappropriate boners - Yep unfortunately not all of our boners are appropriate.
  2. inappropriate erections - Erections can't hide from inappropriateness either.
  3. Baywatch - It is Hofficial. My David Hasselhoff man crush is still paying dividends.
  4. dwarfshank - Oh I am so glad I heard the words dwarfshank redemption this year.
  5. Trichophilia - I had to look this one up again.It is a fetish in which one becomes sexually aroused by, or is extremely fond of, human hair; commonly head hair.
  6. horse ass picture - It really is a nice picture if I must say so myself.
  7. inasppropriate boner - This boner is so not suitable that it causes you to misspell inappropriate.
  8. cat farts - I am the definitive source on cat farts. I get quoted all the time whenever there is a breaking news story about cat farts on CNN.
  9. WHITE GUY FARTS - Somebody was either very excited to learn all about white guy farts or they were very angry with them. When you go all caps in your search it is on.
  10. top 10 big boners - I am sensing a trend here. Another search about boners. I wonder what that says about me?
  11. why do guy always say their left nut - People ask the tough questions and only a few of us have the courage to heed that call.
  12. dr phil is dumb - Pretty much self-explanatory.

Well if you just scrolled down to the bottom I don't blame you. Just go ahead and tell me how adorable my little man looks after his battle with ketchup. Some of it actually did make it in his mouth. Have a good one.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Bullet Points from a Dumb, White Guy

  • Just curious. Do dogs only ride shotgun in America? I know I have a few visitors that don't call the USA home so I was wondering if dogs in your country ride in the front seats of cars or if this is just an American thing?
  • Why do we say "a pair of pants" when there is only one article of clothing involved?
  • Are you familiar with the term bathroom song? If a band is playing a song you don't like then it is the perfect time to go to the bathroom. I do this a lot at concerts but never called it anything special.
  • Just ran across this quote, "I think you are trying to sell cats to a man who fancies dogs."
  • Speaking of quotes, Mrs. Shife and I are going to put up a quote board in the bathroom to help us stay more positive. Does anyone care to share some of their favorite quotes?
  • I always laugh when a salesman comes to our house, gives us a bid, and says the install will be a piece of cake. Then the install guy shows up and has to reschedule because it turns out the install will not be a piece of cake. I guess that is what happens when your house was built in 1959.
  • Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat anyway?
  • So below you will see the Halloween costumes for the Shifley family. I went as Snow White, and Mrs. Shife and Lil' Shife were dwarfs. As you can see Kyle was not too happy with his costume and Tankers was also a dwarf but he basically ate his costume so that is why he was not in the photo. My other dwarfs were off as extras in "The Dwarfshank Redemption." And you don't have to tell me that I make a beautiful Snow White. Then again beauty is definitely in the eye of the beholder and I think any beholders would need about 47 beers to think I looked good as Snow White.

Have a good one.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • Like only the finest wines, consensual sex with adults, and '70s porn, this blog is meant for mature audiences only.
  • I guess I officially announced to the blogosphere my son's name last week. I have been calling him Baby Shife forever but it slipped last week in one of my arbitrary deductions. Anyway, he is 18-months-old now so I guess it is cool but I will probably still call him Baby Shife on the blog. Actually I think we will go with Lil' Shife since he is no longer considered a baby.
  • Looks like we might have to reschedule our end of the world as we know it party. I guess the Mayan calendar might be off by a few years, and by a few I mean 100.
  • So the Halloween parties get going this weekend for the Shifleys, and hopefully I will have some photos to share next week. We are going with a Disney theme.
  • Stole this from my blogging buddy and Facebook friend, Travis. Had a nice vegetarian pizza for lunch. Seriously ... every last ingredient on the pizza used to be a vegetarian.
  • WWJD? I was wearing my WWJD bracelet recently, and I was in the movie theater, and this guy's cell phone went off. Then he picked it up, 'Hey, how's it going? I'm in a movie.' And I'm like, 'Hey! Get off the phone!' And he's like, 'Mind your own business.' And I almost went crazy, but then I looked at my bracelet: What Would Jesus Do? So I lit him on fire and sent him to Hell.
Enjoy the rest of your week.

Thursday, October 07, 2010

Arbitrary Deductions from a Slightly Skeptical Human Being

The title is just another way of saying Random Acts of Shifeness. Actually I didn't want to cheapen your blog experience by using the same blog post title from last week. Yep that is how I roll.
  • Since the baseball playoffs are under way it reminded me of trying to convince Mrs. Shife two years ago that Ray Romano from "Everybody Loves Raymond" bought the Tampa Bay baseball team and that is why they are called the Tampa Bay Rays. She didn't buy it.
  • Speaking of Mrs. Shife, I attempted to talk her into doing the no-pants dance by romancing her with the charming sentence "Don't you know it is Cocktober?" And she reminded me that it was also "Blocktober."
  • Does anyone know a black guy named Roger? The only one I could think of was Danny Glover's character from "Lethal Weapon." I don't think too many people have a dog named Roger either.
  • Kyle discovered a new toy to play with, the toilet. He thinks it is awesome when he drop stuffs into the porcelain god. The victims include a Blackberry and a hair brush. We do our best to keep the bathroom doors shut but sometimes we forget, but we are quickly learning that the little man does not forget.
  • My goal this week is to live in the now. And then after 7 days I will try to do it for 7 more, and then 7 more after that. By then I hope it will be a habit. I just feel like I am always looking ahead or looking back. I need to bask in the power of now.
  • If you are not dreaming then you are just sleeping.
  • So does anyone have a new favorite TV show this year? I am not in love with anything right now but "The Event" has kept me interested so far.
Well that is all folks. Have a good weekend, and remember to think before you drink. That's right you should think about adding a couple of shots of Jagermeister to your order because you really want to wake up naked in your neighbor's fountain-like Japanese maple. Do it.

A picture of the boys trying to convince the parental units that it is time to go to the playground. Baby Shife is saying "Out" if you look closely at the picture.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • I named my iPod the Titantic so when I plug it in to download new podcasts and stuff it says "Syncing The Titanic." It is the little things like this that make me happy.
  • Obedience lessons start for Tank tomorrow. Should be interesting. I am pretty sure I will be getting most of the training since he is a good dog but we just need to work with him a little bit. My favorite new nickname that I gave him is Dr. Tankensteen. If you have seen "Young Frankenstein" then you get it.
  • 9 out 0f 10 shark attacks occur in the water. The other 10 percent occur on the decks of fishing boats, when people plummet from their beds after having a "Shark Week" nightmare, or when a stuffed and mounted shark falls on someone at a museum. Thanks Nerdist podcast.
  • Today was the first day of teaching Baby Shife how to brush his teeth. Not very successful, but I did learn that baby toothpaste does provide excellent holding power as a hair gel.
  • Fustercluck. I like that word.
  • Spending an hour watching "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" and "The League" on Thursday nights makes my face hurt. I laugh so much watching these two shows.
  • Unfortunately another show I liked already got cancelled after only two episodes, "Lone Star." It feels a little like finding out your date is a tranny.
Have a good weekend.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

The Tank Files

Well sad to say but Big Mike never responded to my questions so I guess I can't ship him off my life savings, but another request came my way and I thought I would share. Utah Friends of Basset Hound Rescue - the place where we got Tank - asked me to write about our new furry friend for their newsletter so here it is:

We opened our home to Tank on July 3rd, 2010, and it took about 60 seconds before we opened up our hearts to him. We had recently just had to put down our basset hound companion of nearly 11 years, and we had flirted with the idea of getting another dog but we really did not feel we were ready for a basset when we visited the Utah Friends of Basset Hound Rescue. However, sometimes it just seems that a dog is looking for you, and there is not much you can do about it. This is what happened to my family. Tank, as he was already named, stood out when we visited a basset foster home that had 10 other darling hounds running around vying for our attention. However, he was not standing out for the right reasons as far as I was concerned. He was too young, too active, and probably would be way too much to handle since my wife and I had a 16-month-old son at home who was already keeping us plenty busy. A 19-month-old basset hound living with a small infant looked like bad math. To me it just seemed like it would add up to a daily disaster with two little guys always on the go and making our lives even more chaotic. But even with all of these concerns and red flags, my wife and I kept finding ourselves being lured in by the Tankster. So we had a brief debate just to make sure we weren’t being completely insane about wanting to pick Tank. We agreed we weren’t crazy so then we took Tank outside by himself to see how he would behave around us when he was away from the pack. And like I mentioned earlier it just took about a minute later before it was the beginning of a beautiful relationship. Just watching him run around as a happy little hound and seeing my son just absolutely adore him sealed the deal. Bringing Tank into our lives was a great decision for our family and he has been an absolute joy since day one. I look forward to watching Tank and my son growing up together and being the best of friends. My deepest gratitude to the Utah Friends of Basset Hound Rescue for introducing us to such a wonderful basset hound, and a another big thank you for all the work you do to take care of all the fantastic hound dogs like Tank until they can find their forever homes.

Here is Tank online looking for some Basset love. I think her name is Foxy Roxy.

Thursday, September 09, 2010

Spam is Delicious

I was bored the other day so I decided to write back one of the spam e-mails I received from my good friend Abu Mike. Unfortunately he has not written me back yet but I have my fingers crossed that he is going to come through and give me the answers to my very - if I must say so myself - awesome questions.

Dear Sir,
I saw your address online and i decided to contact you with this regards. Below is the contacts of my family, We are from ancient kingdom of Ashanti Region Kumasi,Ghana,our family Chief name is Chief Nana Num Ofori 111,

We are highly interested to deal in a long terms business with you, if only you can understand our primary problems. we are facing a lots of problems in our mining concessions, because we lack modern mining equipments and machines,we are using man power to mine,i mean we uses local method to mine such has been resulting loosing the life of the workers in the site for lack of machines.

For now we are in the position of 200 kg of alluvial gold dust 22+ carats with 92% purity and our local price is $28,500usd per a kilo,upon hearing from you then i will disclose to you exactly the type of equipments machines we need for the projects.

Mr Abu Mike
for the family,

Dear Abu Mike,
Do you mind if I call you Big Mike? Evidently I drank too much last night and thought it would be a good idea to ask you a few questions. I've already interviewed several important people in my lifetime so I know what I am doing so your answers are very crucial to my willingness to participate in your very generous offer.
I'd very much like to hear your answers Big Mike, and please be real. I have a Master's degree in Fecal Analysis so I am skilled like a frickin' ninja.
Below are the questions, and please e-mail the answers back to me.
Time is of the essence. There is a Rae-Dawn Chong movie festival this weekend and I can't miss it so don't mess around.
Thank you, in advance, for your help, Big Mike, and fist pump!!!

1) Do you think sexual harassment at work is a problem for the self-employed?
2) What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
3) Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are both the same number of letters?
4) Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?
5) I got my clothes to smell like cat litter even though I don't own cats. Is that an achievement?
6) Has anyone told you that you are Hoffilicious?
7) About how much do you earn per month from your wonderfully written - honestly it is like reading Shakespeare - email inquiries?
8) Were you disappointed with the ending of "Lost'?
9) What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Come on. OK I will give you this one, Polaroids.
10) Is it possible to Free Tibet with the purchase of a Tibet of equal or lesser value?
11) Agree or disagree with Kay Jewelers? I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night that more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
12) A friend told me she knows she's getting old because she's wet in places where she used to be dry, & dry where she used to be wet. Do you find that amusing or depressing?
13) Is it bitter irony if you hurt yourself while doing The Safety Dance?
14) Do you know the man from Nantucket?
15) When answering a Craigslist ad, do you think it is important to clarify the meaning of "XXX fun" up front? You could end up playing Nintendo with a large woman
16) Did you know the phrase "Tricky Dick" refers to both former President Richard Nixon and penis puppeteer Rich Handey so be specific in your usage.
17) Do you think when Nomar Garciaparra is around his buddies and talks about meeting his wife he tells them that he pulled a Hammy.
18) Do you know petting an animal can lower your heart rate? However that animal should not be a wolverine.
19) Are there any online communities, forums or message boards where you like to discuss your hobby of being a doucher?
20) What part of your body smells the worst?
21) Do you cry yourself to sleep and use the tears as lubricant to masturbate?
22) Are most of your friends and family members aware that you have a Dora the Explorer tattoo?
23) Did you know religion & birth control are more compatible than you may think? Every time a condom breaks, someone learns to pray.
24) Is it inappropriate to leave the door open when you use the bathroom on planes?
25) Will you rename your iPod the Titanic so when you plug it in it says the Titanic is syncing.?
26) If your mother asks if you are sexually active, the correct response is what? OK I will give you another one … "No, I just lie there."
27) Is reading in the bathroom considered multitasking?
28) Do you ever feel weird when you give yourself a prostate exam?
29) Do you feel gay when you say "Sometimes when we touch, the honesty is too much” when you are dancing with a life-sized Clifford the Red Dog ?
30) Besides pooping, what other things do bears do in the woods?
31) Did you know the guy who wrote the Folgers jingle never got woken up with a BJ?
32) Huey, Lewey, or Dewey? Which one would you date and why?
33) Do you know that is always crucial to check yourself before you wreck yourself?
34) Do you think this is a good marketing slogan? Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
35) It is funny how guys always say they would give their left nut to do something awesome. Why is the right nut so much cooler than the left nut?
36) Did you know every fight is a food fight if you are a cannibal?
37) Don't you wish one day the weather forecast was partly sunny with a chance of ninjas?
38) If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
39) Are you familiar with a Cleveland Steamer?

Thank you, in advance, for taking the time to answer my questions. :)

Have a great weekend everyone and here is a picture of my favorite little dude:

Wednesday, September 01, 2010

Happy Labor Day Weekend

Me and the family are hitting the road so I just wanted to wish everyone a great weekend and I hope you have a wonderful time doing whatever you are doing. Sorry I didn't have time to stop by your blogs this week but I will be there next week, and please, please remember

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

The Week That Was

I meant to blog earlier but the last 7 days have been quite interesting for me and I am just now able to take the time to write about the week that was.

Day 1: Tank getting to third base. I am sure this will definitely fall into the way too much information category for some of you but I am who I am and if I didn't share this story then I would not be me. Tank, Baby Shife, and I are in the master bedroom. I am changing out of my PJs to take the Shifley boys for a walk. I strip down to my birthday suit, put on a clean shirt, and about to throw on my panties when I notice Baby Shife has gotten into a drawer that is not baby-friendly. It has some of the fat basset's old meds (I know I should have thrown them out long ago) and Baby Shife was attempting to help himself to the pills. I told Baby Shife "No" in my big, bad Daddy face and rushed over to take the meds away from him. Now remember I am still in just a t-shirt when I go over to my little man. I bend down to grab Baby Shife and let him know that what he is doing is wrong when all of the sudden I feel something cold and wet on my testicles. Turns out when I bend over sans underwear my twins are right at nose level for the Tankster. So Tankers got himself to third base with me. I tried to put a positive spin on it and was just glad his nose was not level with my butt.

Day 2: Re-injuring my knee. I hurt it back in June - linky if you want to see it - and I hurt it again this week . It is not as bruised but still hurts.

Day 3: Baby Shife testing the power of my pee stream. He followed me into the bathroom and I was explaining to him that this is how big boys pee as I was going the bathroom. Well I guess he really wanted a hands-on experience and stuck his hand right in the middle of my urine stream.

Day 4: A powerful wind and thunder storm moved through our town and we were without power for nearly 22 hours. Lost power at 9 pm and didn't get it back until 6:30 pm the next day.

Day 5: I took Tank to Petsmart and Tank proceeded to say hello to every single person in the store. I kid you not. Every. Single. Person. And he said hello in the basset hound way by howling. Here is a link if you are not familiar with a basset hound howl. Whatever word in your world is the opposite of awesome pretty much describes that outing.

Day 6: Discovered that Tank enjoys an occasional cat turd when the mood strikes. You know we all have our quirks so that is cool in some bizarro world, but what is not cool is that I had to pull out that 4-inch cat turd out of his mouth.

Day 7: Baby Shife has been throwing stuff for a while now but he recently found a new item that he can he toss, and that would be a Tank turd he found somewhere in our yard. Good times.

So how was your week?

Here is a picture of me and my boys. Sorry you can't see Baby Shife too well but he is giving his Tankster a big old hug.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Tank vs. Baby Shife

Ever since my beautiful baby boy has entered my life I have found myself uttering sentences that I never thought would come out of my mouth like "Come here and let me sniff your butt." And now that a 20-month-old basset hound is in my life even more new sentences have entered the Shifley household. When I write out these sentences you might just wonder if said the words to Tank or Baby Shife. So your mission - if you choose to accept it - is to guess who I was talking to.
  1. It is time to clean your wiener.
  2. I can't believe the size of that turd.
  3. Are you riding dirty?
  4. We got a Stage 5 clinger.
  5. No bite.
  6. What's up muffin butt?
  7. Alright buddy you need to put down the binky
  8. Who has beaver fever?
  9. Why is there a chocolate chip in the bathtub? Oh my god, it's Not a chocolate chip!
  10. Get your mouth off the toilet. Now.

  1. OK so Tankers has a little bit of a problem with his man parts and I have to clean up that area for him for the next week or so with some antibiotics.
  2. You can go with Tank or Baby Shife on this one. Both of the boys have surprised me with their output.
  3. Baby Shife. A question I have asked him if it smells like he has expanded the dimensions of his diaper while we are driving around in the car.
  4. Tank or Baby Shife are both guilty of being little clingers. I guess they think I am a cool dude or something.
  5. Again both of the boys are guilty of this.
  6. Baby Shife. We have called him the muffin man almost since the day of his birth so he naturally has a muffin butt.
  7. Just look at the picture below and you will know the answer.
  8. Tank has giardia, which is also known as beaver fever, that he picked up from drinking some nasty water so he has take some medicine to take care of the fever.
  9. Baby Shife.
  10. Baby Shife.

Friday, August 06, 2010

Nothing, nada, zilch, zero

The title kind of sums up what I have left in the tank this week. It has been an emotional roller coaster. But all is well, I am just drained from the previous 7 days and looking forward to doing a lot of nothing this weekend. I am going to enjoy the sunshine, time with the family, and thank my lucky stars that I have the people that I do in my life. I hope you have a wonderful weekend as well, and I hope someday to make this blog a little more exciting but right now a 16-month-old boy and a 19-month-old basset hound are keeping me extremely busy. Take care of yourself, and if you get bored over the next few days you can always specify that your drive-through order is "to go" or claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Yep I am a moron

After more than a few drunken nights in my lifetime you would figure I have learned my lesson but nope. I was attacked by beers once again last night. I fought them off as hard as I could but eventually I succumbed to their will. I know better and there was no reason for it but I was out with a buddy until 2 in the morning and I am paying for it today. So the too many beers combined with my just completed viewing of the "Jersey Shore" premiere means I have really thinned the brain cell herd. I am just going to take it easy the rest of the weekend. Maybe rent a bear suit. Most likely a grizzly outfit because if you are going to be a bear then you better be a grizzly. Then I will just go around hugging people and then tell them they just got the greatest bear hug ever. Have yourself a very merry weekend.

P.S. Thanks to everyone for all the kind words and support about my anxiety and depression post. I appreciate it very much.

Friday, July 23, 2010

I Just Blue Myself

"If you spend your whole life worrying then your life only has meaning if what you fear becomes real."

I am not sure where I heard that quote or who said it but I wrote it down because it spoke to me because I do a lot of future worrying and get worked up over stuff that may or may not become a reality. I have spent the last 5 years or so coming to the realization that I have some mild anxiety and depression issues that are impacting my life.
Looking back through my teen years and beyond I can clearly see that they have always been there but I thought I was just moody and a grouchy butthole every now and then. So after realizing that the anxiety was now turning into panic attacks and I could not shake the depression like I used to I sought medical help.

I have taken meds like Xanax, Wellbutrin, Diazepam (not at the same time of course because that would be crazy) to help balance me out. I always expected the meds to magically transform me into Mr. Happy who can shoot sunshine out of my rear but alas that was not the case.

After a while I would go off the meds because of arrogance and ignorance, and I would be fine for a nice chunk of time but eventually the blue moods along with anxiety would return and leave me feeling not quite right. I know, I know just stay on the meds but I would tell myself that I am fine and I don't need the pills anymore so I quit taking them. Well I went off the meds again about 8 months ago and the cycle again repeated itself. Part of me doesn't want to admit that I need medicine, part of me doesn't like being on medicine, but then part of me realized I was being a selfish doucher because my moods this time were effecting more than just me. My funkiness was hurting my relationship with Mrs. Shife, Baby Shife, and all my friends and family.

After I peeled away the 7 levels of stubbornness, I realized it is better to be on meds than to be a miserable old man. I know anxiety, worrying, and bad moods are a part of everyone's life but sometimes my brain can't process them very well and I feel overwhelmed. If I a pill every now and then can balance that out and let me focus on other things like enjoying life with my family and friends then pride be damned and so be it.

I would prefer to not take anything to feel somewhat normal but the fact is I am just not wired that way and I need help. Plus the little angel below deserves to have his Dad be the best Dad he can be for him.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • All is well with the Tankster. We have had him now for about 10 days and so far so good. He has a few habits that we need to correct like chasing cars down our street but other than that he has been awesome and we love having him in our home.
  • In my never ending quest to rank high on ridiculous keywords like Operation Dwarfshank Redemption, I must make my annual mention of an ambushed paddington. I might have mentioned it this year but I can't really recall since I am losing my mind and I am too lazy to search my own blog. If you are new to my blog and never heard of an ambushed paddington ... well I don't want to ruin your surprise. Definitely search for ambushed paddington at home and you will definitely look at your teddy bears in a different light.
  • And now "Things You Didn't Need to Know About Shife" for $200: I have only worn 5 or 6 underwear in the past 15 months. Sounds bad, right? Well I do a lot of laundry each week since Baby Shife goes through more outfits than Elton John at a Las Vegas concert so I end up throwing my clothes in there as well to have a full load. He-he ... I said full load. So a lot of my panties have not seen the light of day because I always put the clean ones on top and that is how I am rolling these days.
  • How about "Things You Didn't Need to Know About Shife" for $400: I am getting excited that the season 2 premiere of "Jersey Shore" is on July 29. Yes I know I need pharmaceutical help.
  • Finally the age-old question has been solved it looks like the chicken came before the egg. Now if they can just tell me why he crossed the damn road.
Have a good one. Talk to you soon, and here is a photo of my little baby boy who I love more and more every day.

Thursday, July 08, 2010

Say Hello

to our new furry friend. However I must warn you that the cuteness of the picture might cause your computer to meltdown. The Shifley family is proud to welcome Tank to the blogosphere. We had a few names picked out for him but he was called Tank and we really liked it so he is going to be Tank. Operation Dwarfshank Redemption was a success and so far so good. Tankers is 19-months-old so the house is going to be a little crazy with him and a baby boy running wild in the house. There will definitely be a few toddler circuses in the days ahead but me and Mrs. Shife are looking forward to it. That is all for now as I just took some Nyquil so I will be chasing the dragon soon. Have a great weekend.

Thursday, July 01, 2010

Operation Dwarfshank Redemption

is under way. Well what is about to get going on really has nothing do with a Dwarfshank Redemption but I just wanted to be the first in blogger history to actually have a post titled Operation Dwarfshank Redemption. I heard this on Chris Hardwick's podcast "The Nerdist" and found myself quite amused that the awesome movie "The Shawshank Redemption" would be recreated with dwarves only. And I have been thinking about dwarves a lot because I am heading down this weekend to find our new furry friend. Yay!!! Rumor is that bassets were bred with dwarf genes back in the day and that is why they have their distinctive look. Have a great holiday weekend with your family and friends, and I look forward to introducing you to my new basset hound when we speak again. Take care, and remember people will accept your idea more readily if you tell them that Abraham Lincoln said it first.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • Not everyone likes babies. I was checking out at Target and Baby Shife had himself a few snacks while we were shopping. I gave the lady behind the counter the wrappers and boxes that were molested by my son, and she looked at me like I was handing her the AIDS virus. Maybe she was a germaphobe but she did a few other things while were paying that led me to believe she isn't a big fan of little ones. Either that or someone with Harry Potter skills put a douche bag spell on her.
  • I heard that one thing men from Arkansas can't do to help them fall asleep is count sheep because they get boners.
  • I watched the Real L Word on Showtime and discovered who is a pant and who is a pump.
  • Someone needs to write this to our dear friends in Nigeria, "Dear Nigeria. You have won the World Cup! To collect your trophy, please kindly submit your bank account number …"
  • Speaking of The World Cup, I hope you are enjoying it. I know a lot of people find it boring and are turned off by the flopping, but if you watched the US game against Algeria then you know why people like myself enjoy watching soccer. If you were like me, you were on pins and needles, chance after chance thwarted, all hope seemed lost, and then in the final moments an amazing goal to win the game and send the US on to the next round. It is called the beautiful game for a reason.
  • This might be the worst commercial ever,
  • Now I can LOL in Japanese - 笑う
  • I really, really should consider retiring from softball. Here is a picture of my latest boo-boo. Not quite as nasty as this one, but still quite pretty if you ask me.

  • Finally here is a picture of the little man who is in training for competitive eating. Right now he can polish off 1 hot dog in about 10 minutes.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Another Update

Howdy everyone. I appreciate all of your kind words and sentiments for me and my family over the loss of Quincy dog. It has been more than two weeks now since we had to put the fat basset down and we are doing OK. It has been tough, and every day gets a little easier but we still miss Captain Furry pants a lot.

One of the hardest parts has been being home because we are so use to his presence when we are at the house. The clickity-clack of his nails coming down the hallway, the thwack of the doggie door as he goes outside to take care of business, the beautiful basset face waiting for you at the front door after you got back from running errands, the howling when the phone rings, and the buddy who will snuggle with you on the couch when you are ready for a nap.

Our home and lifestyle has always had the basset in mind so we see him everywhere. So that is why it might not surprise you that we will be getting another basset hound in a few weeks. We had a basset hound owner stop by the house recently to see how we would react, and it surprised Mrs. Shife and myself how nice it was to see a basset in the home again. And Baby Shife got so excited seeing the pooch as he followed Harvey around saying "Dog!!!" over and over again. We are dog people, and the rescue we are going to visit, the Utah basset hound rescue, has 50 dogs that need a home and we feel like we can open our home to another basset. At first I was worried that I was being disloyal to Quincy dog by already thinking about another dog, but I know he would be happy that we are bringing another soon-to-be fat basset to Casa de Shifley.

We will go down and meet a few bassets to see which one is right for us. Feel free to click on the link and let me know if you have any favorites. Quincy will always have a special place in my heart, and my love for him will be unique. However, I know that my heart is big enough to welcome another dog into the household and it will be good for all of us.

Do you have a suggestion for a name? Right now Dexter and Bosworth are the leading contenders but we would love to hear your ideas.

Hope you have a great weekend and thanks for thinking of me.

Thursday, June 03, 2010


First I just want to say thank you for your kind words and encouragement about Baby Shife. Mrs. Shife and I appreciate it very much. And it turns out everything is OK with the little man, he is just going to grow to be a little man. Unfortunately life interrupted our happy moment as Quincy dog had to be put down tonight. Captain Furry Pants was no longer able to walk because of neurological deterioration on his spine. It is really hard to give more details because it is really, really difficult just knowing he is no longer with us. It was for the best because he was in a lot of pain but it still didn't make the decision any easier. I loved the hell out of that fat little basset and he was a great dog and friend to my family. Rest in peace Quincy dog. We love you and will always miss him.

"Dogs Don't Have Souls, Do They?"

I remember bringing you home. You were so small and cuddly with your tiny paws and soft fur.

You bounced around the room with eyes flashing and ears flopping. Once in awhile, you'd let out a little yelp just to let me know that this was your territory.

Making a mess of the house and chewing on everything in sight became a passion, and when I scolded you, you just put your head down and looked up at me with those innocent eyes, as if to say, "I'm sorry, but I'll do it again as soon as you're not watching."

As you got older, you protected me by looking out the window and barking at everyone who walked by. When I had a tough day at work, you would be waiting for me with your tail wagging, just to say, "Welcome home. I missed you." You never had a bad day and I could always count on you to be there for me.

When I sat down to read the paper and watch TV, you would hop on my lap, looking for attention. You never asked for anything more than to have me pat your head so you could go to sleep with your head over my leg.

As you got older, you moved around more slowly. Then, one day, old age finally took its toll and you couldn't stand on those wobbly legs anymore. I knelt down and patted you lying there, trying to make you young again. You just looked up at me as if to say that you were old and tired and that after all these years of not asking for anything, you had to ask me for one favor.

With tears in my eyes, I drove you one last time to the vet. One last time you were lying next to me. For some strange reason, you were able to stand up in the animal hospital; perhaps it was your sense of pride.

As the vet led you away, you stopped for an instant, turned your head and looked at me as if to say,
"Thank you for taking care of me."

I thought, "No.... thank you for taking care of me."

Monday, May 31, 2010


Let us be of good cheer, remembering that the misfortunes hardest to bear are those which will never happen. ~James Russel Lowell

I really wish I could take the advice of that quote but it is so much easier said than done. I have had a lot on mind lately and that is the main reason for the blog neglect. Once a month for the past 8 months we have had to take Baby Shife back to his doctor because there was concern about his lack of weight gain. It has frustrated me and Mrs. Shife but we listened to the doctor and kept bringing him back. Well on his last visit the concern become elevated because his weight gain was minimal over the past 30 days. So now he has to visit a specialist at a pediatric gastroenterology clinic. This news has really thrown me over the edge because I feel like I have let down my son as a parent. I have received this beautiful gift of life, a wonderful bundle of joy, and my parenting skills are hurting this little man. Baby Shife is such a happy, busy little guy and it just breaks my heart thinking I might have a hand in his lack of development. I also worry that maybe there is a physical ailment that has not been diagnosed yet and there could be something wrong with my baby. I am hoping the verdict is that the little man's parents are small, and he is going to be small so his appetite is just not as substantial as babies from bigger parents. Anyway this is where my focus is right now and I am stressing about the upcoming doctor's visit. Hope all is well in your world. Take care.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

What's Going On?

It is safe to say that May has not been a very productive month for this blog. It is a combination of post-40 blues and general apathy. I might hire a horse to give me a swift kick in the butt to see if that gets me going in the right direction or maybe I will just have Elvis fondle me again. It is definitely going to be erratic for the rest of the spring and summer because me and the family will be busy enjoying festivities that accompany the warmer weather like vacations, weddings, get togethers, sporting events, vasectomies, and overall laziness. OK one of those items is false but I just wanted to see if you were still paying attention. So what are you looking forward to in the next few months?
  • May - Softball season is finally under way for Mr. Shife after getting clearance from the Doctor.
  • May - Visit from family.
  • May - Heading to STL and Peoria to visit family.
  • June - Going to a wedding in one of the finest areas known to man, The Palouse.
  • June - World Cup Soccer. Unfortunately I will not be there in person but watching lots of it on TV.
  • June - Trip to Salt Lake City to watch a soccer game and let Mrs. Shife go crazy at the outlet malls.
  • July - Celebrating the Fourth with family and friends.
  • July - Drunkfest ... errr ... Alumni meeting with fraternity brothers.
  • July - 10K or Half-Marathon. More likely a 10K because of the ankle recovery but maybe a 13.1.
  • July - Jaialdi 2010. Huge Basque festival in Boise that happens every 5 years.
  • August - Braun Brothers Reunion. Awesome outdoor concert event in an awesome setting, Challis, ID.
  • August - Softball tournament. Of course assuming my body is still holding up after 4 months of softball.
  • August - Mysterious road trip. Destination chosen by Mrs. Shife.
Talk to you later, and I guess it is about time I shared a new picture of Baby Shife. Here he is after he had a battle with some chocolate pudding:

Sunday, May 02, 2010

The 40-Year-Old Dumb, White Guy

Well hello there my blogging friends. It is I, Mr. Shife, and I apologize for the lack of posts but I have finally recuperated from my birthday bash. OK that is not true. I do apologize for not blogging lately but it is mostly due to my laziness and not a 40-year-old hangover.
So how are you? I am pretty good. Thank you for asking. Just starting my second week of life in the 40s and so far so good. I had a good time at my party with family and friends, and the lovely Mrs. Shife even managed to surprise me. The photographic evidence is below. So for as long as I can remember I have had a little bit of an infatuation with Elvis. Maybe it was from hearing my Mom play the music in our house or maybe it is just the cult-like status Mr. Presley has obtained since his death. Whatever the case may be, I have been goofing on Elvis. So at the party we are having a good time and all of the sudden out of nowhere comes an Elvis impersonator to serenade me. It was awesome but a little uncomfortable having a grown man dressed up as Elvis sing to me a song like "Why Do Fools Fall in Love?" So check out the photos - which totally capture my awkwardness - and the pictures also make Mrs. Shife laugh because of the titles she gave to the pictures.
The first picture is called "Is Elvis's hand on my butt" and the second one is "Yep, his hand is definitely on my butt." Enjoy and talk to you soon.

Is Elvis's hand on my butt?

Yep, his hand is definitely on my butt.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Countdown to 40 - Day 24

Sweet Lincoln's Mullet ... happy birthday to me. It is officially 12:01 am on Saturday, April 24. I am about to watch "The Big Lebowski" and have a few celebratory beers. The big day is finally here and I am still me. I do have an uncontrollable urge to yank my pants up to my chest but other than that I feel great.

I just want to thank everyone who participated in my countdown to 40. All your comments and emails were very much appreciated. So after the movie I will get some sleep and then prepare myself for Shife Fest. I will be spending the day with family and friends, sharing laughs, memories, and just hoping to have an awesome day. Thanks again and talk to you soon.

The Dude:
Yeah, well. The Dude abides.
The Stranger: The Dude abides. I don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Countdown to 40 - Day 23

My last day as a 39-year-old dude, and looking back at everything it has been a pretty good ride so far. My Mom kind of imprinted upon me not to have any regrets, and I can't say I don't have any but they are not ones that keep me up at night. I might wish that I had children sooner or made that Motley Crue concert in high school, but like I said I am not losing sleep over that. The regrets I am talking about are ones like going to film school or following your heart. Those were my choices after graduating college: Film school in Nashville or listening to my gut and seeing where a relationship might take me. Well I heard my gut loud and clear, and it has taken me on my current journey. I thought that Mrs. Shife was pretty special and she was worth sticking around for and they rest they say is history. What would have happened if I went to film school? Who knows, but I don't think about it because I made the right decision. I chose the love of my life and so far, so good.

So turning 40, am I where I thought I would be? Yes and no. Married with a child and a fat basset? Yes. Did I think I would be a stay-at-home Dad? No. But that is why life is unexpected and full of twist and turns you don't see coming. Getting laid off before Baby Shife was born was hard to deal with because I never experienced that before and I felt like a failure, but it ultimately turned out to be a blessing in disguise. Mrs. Shife and I looked at the scenarios and realized me staying at home with our boy was a pretty good option. It definitely took some adjusting getting used to my new "career" but in the long run I know we made the right decision. Baby Shife's happiness and well-being are always the most important things and I can wait a few more years before I re-enter the land of cubicles, redundant meetings, and soul-sucking commutes. Plus my boss is really, really cool.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Countdown to 40 - Day 22

I am getting a little excited and nervous about Saturday. Nervous because I am not sure what to expect and excited because I am not sure what to expect. It is like I am going to lose my virginity all over again. I better not get into that today because that experience deserves a whole blog post. Let's just say you never forget your first time but sometimes you wish you could. Anyway I was thinking today that after almost 40 years on the third rock from the Sun that I might have some decent knowledge to pass on to people, and I guess I can share a few things based on my 40 years of sucking oxygen.
  1. Never, ever take anything for granted. And unfortunately it seems like you always have to learn this lesson the hard way.
  2. Every once in awhile just take a moment to look up in the sky and all around you to really appreciate the world we live in.
  3. Always know at least one good joke.
  4. Take a chance every now and then. Have a little fun. Let your hair down. Life is short and no one gets out alive.
  5. The most valuable thing to have is a good reputation, and it’s neither hard nor expensive to acquire one: Be fair. Be honest. Be trustworthy. Be generous. Respect others.
  6. Don't go looking for love because it will always find you when you least expect it.
  7. Be true to yourself.
  8. Having good manners and being polite never goes out of style.
  9. Exercise does not take time. Exercise creates time.
  10. Promptness shows respect.
  11. Keeping perspective is the greatest key to happiness. From a distance, even a bumpy road looks smooth.
  12. Keep an open mind and an open heart.
  13. It’s never a shame when you admit you don’t know something, and often a shame when you assume that you do.
  14. Anyone who judges you by the kind of car you drive or shoes you wear isn’t someone worth impressing.
  15. Great parents can have rotten kids and rotten parents can have great kids. But even though biology plays a huge role in destiny, that’s no excuse to give up or stop trying.
  16. Physical attraction is nice, but shared values and a shared sense of humor are the real keys to lasting love.
  17. When you mess up, ’fess up. It’s the fastest way, if there is one, to forgiveness.
  18. If you make a promise to do something, do it.
  19. Your education isn’t complete until you’ve learned to take a hint.
  20. Whatever your passion, pursue it as though your days were numbered. Because they are.
  21. Always stay faithful to your teams and your significant other. If you are not ready to commit, then don't, but once you make the leap then stick to it.

    Well that is all for today folks. I will talk to you tomorrow.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Countdown to 40 - Day 21

Everything you wanted to know about the number 40 and more. 40 is actually my favorite number and it has been for about 12 years. Ever since Pat Tillman got drafted in 1998 by my favorite football team and donned #40 I have been a fan. Pat is far and away my favorite football player and he is an even better human being. A lot has been written about him after he decided to pass on a lucrative NFL contract, join the military, and tragically die in Afghanistan in 2004. I always will admire Pat because of his spirit — willing to sacrifice personal glory and comfort for what he saw was a greater good. Anyway here are some tidbits about my favorite number:
  • To understand a people, you must live among them for 40 days. ~Arabic proverb
  • The atomic number of zirconium.
  • Negative forty is the temperature at which the Fahrenheit and Celsius scales correspond; that is, −40°F = −40°C. It is referred to as either "minus forty" or "forty below".
  • In the saying "Life begins at forty"
  • In the expression "forty winks", meaning a short sleep
  • A song by Dave Matthews Band
  • The number of years of marriage as the ruby wedding anniversary
  • The code for direct dial international phone calls to Romania
  • The number in the designation of:
    -- Interstate 40, a freeway that runs from California to North Carolina
    -- U.S. Route 40, the 2,285-mile (3,677 km) highway that runs from Baltimore, Maryland, to Park City, Utah, a portion of which follows the National Road
    -- European route E40 from Calais to Ridder
    -- The A40 and M40, important highways in the UK. The A40 is a trunk road in England and Wales, connecting London to Fishguard. The M40 motorway is the second motorway in the British transport network to connect London to Birmingham
  • "40", a 1983 song by U2 from their album War
  • "40'" is the title of a song by Franz Ferdinand
  • In the title of the Food Network show $40 a Day
  • In the name of WD-40, a spray lubricant
  • In the name of the food additive FD & C Red Dye #40, commonly known as Red 40;
  • The 40 ounce (1.14 litre) size used for liquor, a term commonly referred to in Canada
  • The number of questions asked in the theory road test in the Republic of Ireland
  • The number of thieves in Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves, from Thousand and One Nights (both the numbers 40 and 1001 are more likely to mean "many" than to indicate a specific number)
  • The customary number of hours in a regular workweek in some Western countries. The song, "40 Hour Week (For a Livin')" by Alabama (as well as their album, 40-Hour Week), takes its name from the standard workweek length.
  • Many distilled alcoholic beverages (such as vodka) contain approximately 40 percent alcohol by volume
  • The jersey number of Pat Tillman, which was retired by the Arizona Cardinals
  • The jersey number of Gayle Sayers, which was retired by the Chicago Bears
  • UB40 is a form for those claiming unemployment benefits in the United Kingdom. The band UB40 was named after this form
  • The number of positions on a number of radio countdown programs, most notably American Top 40 and American Country Countdown.
  • Generally considered the number of points that a Premier League team needs to avoid relegation.
  • Forty is the number of weeks for an average term of pregnancy, counting from the woman’s last menstrual period.
  • The age for people is middle age in some cultures.
  • The number of the French department Landes
  • In tennis, the number 40 represents the third point gained in a game. A score of 40-40 (three points each) is called "deuce", at which time a player must score two consecutive points to win the game.
  • Ronald Reagan was the 40th president of the United States;
  • In the song "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson, the lyrics state that "For forty days and for forty nights / the law was on her side" in reference to the Genesis story of Noah.
That's all folks; see you tomorrow.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Countdown to 40 - Day 20

Sweet sassy molassey I can almost taste the denture cream. We are getting close. Below is a list I ran before on this blog a long time ago (and I changed the title from 50 to 40) so forgive me for running it again but I thought the list was pretty appropriate as I can get closer to the day of my birth, which is documented on Wikipedia. And I edited the page to add a certain someone's birthday but you might want to hurry because I don't think it will be up very long. (Update: After 2 attempts to keep it on there I got in a little bit of trouble with their moderators. Mrs. Shife saved a screen shot which hopefully I can share later.)

16 things that it took me almost 40 years to learn
by Dave Barry
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. (I wish I had!)
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
16. Men are like fine wine ... They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

See you tomorrow.

Countdown to 40 - Day 19

I have been with my lovely wife now more than 13 years (married 5 1/2) and last night I was reminiscing so I played our wedding song, "Remember When" by Alan Jackson. Listening to it again just reminded me even more how it is a song that really speaks to both of us. I know not everyone is a country music fan and I only listen to it occasionally but the song just really defines our relationship. Mrs. Shife is a little stressed out right now trying to finalize everything for my birthday party - which is going to be great - but no matter how everything turns out, the most important thing will be spending the day with her and the little man. And it will be another precious moment in the life I have had with most beautiful woman I know.

Remember when I was young and so were you
and time stood still and love was all we knew
You were the first, so was I
We made love and then you cried
Remember when

Remember when we vowed the vows and walked the walk
Gave our hearts, made the start, it was hard
We lived and learned, life threw curves
There was joy, there was hurt
Remember when

Remember when old ones died and new were born
And life was changed, disassembled, rearranged
We came together, fell apart
And broke each other's hearts
Remember when

Remember when the sound of little feet was the music
We danced to week to week
Brought back the love, we found trust
Vowed we'd never give it up
Remember when

Remember when thirty seemed so old
Now lookin' back it's just a steppin' stone
To where we are,
Where we've been
Said we'd do it all again
Remember when
Remember when we said when we turned gray
When the children grow up and move away
We won't be sad, we'll be glad
For all the life we've had
And we'll remember when

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Countdown to 40 - Day 18

I needed a good laugh after spending nearly 7 hours watching the excruciating painful 20-inning baseball game between the Mets and the Cardinals. It took 19 innings before someone finally scored a run. The Mets won 2-1, and this might go down as one of the strangest games ever. Anyway like I said I needed a nice chuckle so here it is ...
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Talk to you tomorrow.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Countdown to 40 - Day 17

So this is my last Saturday as a 39-year-old dumb, white guy and I am going to spend it with my lovely wife, adorable baby boy, and the fantabulous fat basset appreciating the awesomeness that Mother Nature has served up today. It is absolutely beautiful outside and the Shifley family is going to enjoy it as much as possible. Baby Shife has his heart set on going to the park today and I surely can't say no to that face. I hope you have a lovely day as well. Talk to you tomorrow.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Countdown to 40 - Day 16

We are less than 7 days away and I am doing OK. I have been thinking about my Mom quite a bit and mostly because every day I just miss her and because I know she would have surprised me somehow on my birthday. She might have flown in for my party or had someone play a joke on me about turning 40 because she is silly like that. And she definitely would have sent over some gag gifts about getting older. I know there will be surprises on my birthday but it was always nice talking to my Mom because it is a special day for me and her. She was all alone in the world while she gave birth to me in a military hospital because my biological dad was overseas in Vietnam. We were very, very close from the beginning because I was pretty sick as a baby, and my biological dad ended up abandoning us. In the end it all worked out but she had to be so strong for both of us and I can't imagine how scared she might have been. Only 21 and having to take care of a little guy and your husband just divorced you. Like I said in the end we survived and now I am going to be 40. Anyway I know she is in a better place but a little selfishness creeps in and I just wish I could have her for one more day. She will let me know somehow in someway that she is thinking of me because ever since she passed away I have felt her presence.
Not really a great segue but I was going to talk about what I will do on my birthday. Well I mentioned that we are having a party, and beyond that there are only 3 things I am certain of on the day of my birth. I will tell Mrs. Shife, Baby Shife, and Quincy that I love them and thank them for making me feel special, I will call one of my best friends from college who was born on the same day, and I will drink a few beers at about 12:01 am on April 24 while I watch "The Big Lebowski."
Until tomorrow, have a good one and not on the rug, man.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Countdown to 40 - Day 15

One thing I thought would be different when I hit 40 would be my obsession with my favorite sports teams. I am not obnoxious, and I don't spend 4 hours a day on message boards but I do love my teams. The problem is that my love for these franchises gets a little too personal some times. I can be a bit cranky when my team doesn't play well, and I take the losses and bad play personally. Like I have something to do with how bad they are playing or it reflects poorly on myself because my team stinks. It is beyond ridiculous and I am smart enough to know that my behavior should not be affected by grown men who ultimately could care less about my happiness, but I still fret and get all worked up over my teams. I know I would be much happier if I wasn't so into my teams but deep down I know this is just the way it is going to be for me. Part of it is my personality, and part of it is keeping a connection with family, friends, and memories. For example, I love the St. Louis Cardinals, and when I look back I don't think about the games they lost but I remember fondly at the games I went to with my Grandad as a little boy or talking to my Mom on the phone after the Cardinals won the World Series in 2006 while I was dressed up in my Captain of the Fallopian Swim Team Halloween costume or taking my lovely wife to her first Cardinals game where she broke out in hives due to the heat and humidity or having my heart fill with joy as I sat with my little man watching our first game together. So yes I know I need to take my obsession down a notch but in the end it is worth it because it takes me back to times I will never forget and always cherish.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Countdown to 40 - Day 14

Somebody sent me this list about turning 40 but I can't remember who it was ....
1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. Things you buy now won't wear out.
7. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
14. You sing along with elevator music.
15. Your eyes won't get much worse.
16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
17. You can't remember who sent you this list.