Friday, May 25, 2007

Reunion recap

I guess I owe you guys a few tidbits from my fraternity (and that is a picture of my fraternity house at U of I) reunion. So this is what I learned:
  • Drinking all day long is a young man’s game. My friend and I started at about noon and both of us were done by 11 pm.
  • Sweet Linclon’s mullet! Hangovers can last longer than 3 days. I finally detoxed about Wednesday.
  • Sleeping in the back of an SUV is not as glamorous as it may sound. I did not have a key to the hotel room, and my buddy who did had disappeared. So I thought I would just wait in the car for him. Well the next thing I know it is 4 am and I am sprawled out in the back sleeping on a stack of cabinet shelves that we were hauling back down to Boise. I really enjoyed that 9 ply Baltic Birch. I am thinking of replacing my mattress with twigs, sticks, and whatever wood products I can find.
  • It turns out three of us ended up sleeping in the same motel parking lot. And two of us were calling each other all night long not knowing that we were only separated by two parking spots. When I say two of us I mean me and my other dummy of a friend.
  • No matter how old you are you still act like an idiot college kid when you come back to your school and have way too much to drink. One of my friends climbed up to a sorority’s roof just so he could take a dump up there. Another guy tried to jump a stolen scooter off a ramp but he fell off the edge of the jump and knocked himself out cold because he planted his face on some concrete steps. He was taken to the emergency room at 4 am, and his blood alcohol content was .25, which is about three times the legal limit.
  • Somebody always ends up going to jail. Only one guy this time, and he just had to spend Friday night in the drunk tank.
  • You can’t believe you lived with 55 guys for 4 years during college. And you really can’t believe you lived in your fraternity because it smells like beer and ass.
  • You are really glad you lived with 55 guys for 4 years during college because you will be friends with a lot of them forever.

And Mrs. Shife and I are spending a week in beautiful, historic, scenic, and iconic Central Illinois so you may not hear from me for about 10 days. I hope everyone has a wonderful Memorial Day weekend, safe travels, and I will talk to you soon.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Tragedy Hits Close to Home

I had a very surreal weekend. As some of you know, I went up to the University of Idaho for a reunion with a bunch of my fraternity brothers. U of I is located in Moscow, and you may have heard the news that a gunman killed four people there over the weekend. My friends and I were about two blocks away from where this happened, and about a block away from where the guy was drinking before he did what he did. It was very unsettling receiving a phone call from Mrs. Shife telling me that there was a sniper running loose in Moscow. The guy shot over 120 bullets, and I really don’t think any of us were in any immediate danger but it is disturbing knowing how close we were to this unimaginable tragedy. I am not sure if I have properly processed all my emotions but right now the world seems a little crueler. It is events like this that make you realize that nobody is guaranteed a tomorrow and that you should treat every day as a gift.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • Mitch Hedberg was one funny dude. Sadly, Mitch died of an overdose in 2005, but his comedy lives on thanks to the web. If you have not had the opportunity to listen to his musings, you need to check out this link. Here are some samples of this mad genius:

    Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit. All you would hear is "Awww fuck! I thought I looked like that rock."

    I was gonna get a candy bar, and the button I was supposed to push was HH. So I went to the side, I found the H button, and pushed it twice. Fuckin' potato chips came out man. Because they had a HH button for Christ's sakes, you need to let me know. I'm not familiar with the concept of HH. I did not learn my AA, BB, CCs. God God dammit dammit.

    Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr Pepper, but it's a bullshit replica, 'cause the dude didn't even get his degree. Why'd you have to drop out and start makin' pop so soon?
  • Trying to wrap your mind around the way I think is like trying to nail Jell-O to the wall. I am a weird duck and I know that, but one thing I did not know about myself is that I have been immortalized in a rap song. Do a search for “Lookin’ Shife” and see what pops up. The song has a lot of positive *your sarcasm radar should be going nuts right now* messages like, “Don’t show any weakness for the bitches or you get your life jacked.” I think I actually heard that mantra first from our fat basset, Quincy. That dog is one bad motha.
  • As I mentioned in my previous post I am going to fraternity reunion this weekend. I will be leaving Friday afternoon for a long weekend at my alma mater, the University of Idaho. The reunion was scheduled the same weekend as my half-marathon race so I won’t be doing my race until later this year. But it is for the best because I have not been able to train the past four weeks. I got that cold/flu that was going around so that knocked me out for two weeks, then I stepped on a nail, and then I was assaulted by a rose bush that left me with several long scratches on my calf. So I got the message from the running gods to maybe run a race later in the season.
  • I have been trying to be consistent and update my blog twice a week, and so far so good. But I probably won’t have time this Friday to post seem I am heading to my Delta Chi drunk fest so I will talk to you everyone next week. Have a great week and enjoy your weekend.

Friday, May 11, 2007

Against All Odds

Odds of Mr. Shife becoming an astronaut: 13,200,000 to 1
Odds of Mr. Shife wearing adult diapers like an astro-nut: 12 to 1

Odds that a person between 18-29 doesn’t read a newspaper regularly: 3 to 1
Odds that Paris Hilton is in the news for the next 45 days: 1 to 1

Odds of a person in the military winning the Medal of Honor: 11,000 to 1
Odds of Mr. Shife amassing a midget army: 662,000 to 1

Odds of being on plane with a drunken pilot: 117 to 1
Odds of Mr. Shife getting drunk with the Hoff: 50 to 1

Odds of catching a ball at a major league ballgame: 563 to 1
Odds of the Cardinals repeating as World Series Champions: 15,000 to 1

Odds of getting a pet monkey named Bob to ride Quincy: 182,138,880,000,000 to 1
Odds of dying from being bitten by Quincy after I let Bob the monkey ride him: 1 to 1

Odds of finding out your child is a genius: 250 to 1
Odds of Mr. Shife drinking himself retarded at fraternity reunion in two weeks: 25 to 1

Odds of becoming a saint: 20,000,000 to 1
Odds of getting a visit from the dick-faced fairy while at my fraternity reunion: 5 to 1

Have a great weekend.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

The World's Shortest Books

Some of you might be looking for a good book to read this summer. Well look no further because I have got a list for you.

- Guide to proper nutrition by Ghandi
- Acheiving World Peace by Saddam
- Oil Tank Leek Prevention guide by Exxon
- "My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by OJ Simpson
- "To All The Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres
- "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton
- Human Rights Advances in China
- "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman
- Al Gore: The Wild Years
- Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
- America's Most Popular Lawyers
- Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
- Detroit - A Travel Guide
- Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
- Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
- Easy UNIX
- Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
- Everything Men Know About Women
- Everything Women Know About Men
- French Hospitality
- "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel
- Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
- One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
- Staple Your Way to Success
- The Amish Phone Directory
- The Engineer's Guide to Fashion

And today is NOID so got out there and get your freak on in the great outdoors.

Friday, May 04, 2007

Quincy's Journal

Do you ever have the dream where you are running down the street naked carrying a bucket of extra crispy chicken while chasing a male orangutan who is wearing women’s lingerie?

Me either.

Anyway I am going to spend the weekend trying to build up Quincy’s self-esteem. The fat basset is feeling a little down right now. At first I thought it was because I was making him wear the jean shorts I macromaded and bedazzled, but it turns out it was something completely different. I stumbled upon his latest journal entry:

"There they were sitting around the dinner table, knocking back a few beers and blathering about the Middle East - you've never heard such shallow, simplistic reasoning in your life - and Mr. Shife turns to me and says, 'And what do you think Quincy? What do you think we should do?' And all I could come up with was 'Woof.' I felt like such an ass."

Have a great weekend, and remember today is Star Wars Day -- May the Fourth (be with you).

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

How to Lose a Guy in 10 Seconds

I was walking out of the grocery story today and glanced at a movie on my way out, "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days." And I thought to myself, that is crap. I mean 10 days, that is way too much time. I can lose my entire family in 10 days. We live in an instant gratification society. We want results now. So in my effort to help mankind, I thought I would amp it up and offer my suggestions on how to lose a guy in 10 seconds.
  • Sleep with his brother or best friend or father.
  • Tell him he has the smallest penis you have ever seen.
  • Tell him you have had sex with more than 100 men.
Now if one of those three don't send the guy packing then he is completely desperate, whipped, or just has no self-esteem. So if you have to pull out the ultimate deal breaker then
  • Sleep with his mom.