Friday, December 28, 2012

Upon Further Review Part 2

I am a snooper.
Let me explain.
Ever since I can remember, I would start searching our house high and low for the Christmas presents about 2 weeks before Santa Claus was scheduled to arrive.
I was really good at finding them, and also really good at not having my parents find out.
Evidently it runs in the family because Kyle found our Christmas stash this year.
Well I guess if you don't use your snooping skills on a regular basis then your snooper gets a little soft. Then you have snooper impotence and can't achieve or sustain a snooper to have satisfactory snooper activity.
OK enough with the erection puns.
On Mrs. Shife's side of the family, there are a quite a few of us so we just draw 1 name to make it easier. My father-in-law got my name this year, and I sent him a few ideas like a tool box or some tools or some other manly things I could use in my garage.
Since Mrs. Shife is well aware of my snooping past, she advised her Dad to send the present over to her sister's house so I would not try to be tempted to snoop and figure out what I was getting.
Well a few days before Christmas I was over at my sister-in-law's house returning something we had borrowed, and as I was making my way downstairs to return the borrowed item, I noticed a package next to the door.
The box contained WeatherTech car mats.
How did I know this?
X-Ray vision? Sudden psychic abilities whenever I see cardboard?
Nope. It was because WeatherTech plastered their name all over the package. I guess companies really like to market their name all over their packages so people know what is in there.
I headed down the stairs to return the item but I was so jealous because I assumed my sister-in-law had bought those for her husband, and I have been wanting those type of car mats for a long time. I did not ask for them for Christmas because I thought they were over the budget we are expected to follow when buying gifts so I just spent most of day being envious of my brother-in-law's gift.
The next day I was cleaning out the car, and jealousy reared its ugly head once more. As I was looking at our facotry-issued floor mats, I just wanted to do horrible things to them.
Maybe get on a floor mat message board and sully their reputation.
Degrade them with an barrage of profane words that would make my sailor buddies proud.
Cheapen their existence by using them as welcome mats at a men's bathroom during an NFL game.
I must digress for a moment. There are a lot of disgusting places on Earth, but a men's bathroom at a sporting event is surely one of them. Men really do not know how to pee straight especially if drinking has been involved. And you are just begging for trouble if you were flip flops in there. 
Back to the story.
Anyway, as I was vacuuming the floor mats sucking up leaves, pine needles, mud, sand, food, wrappers, chia pets, unfulfilled dreams, etc. all I could do was think about those awesome car mats I saw at my sister-in-law's house and if I had them, then instead of vacuuming I could just take the new mats out and shake out all that garbage.
Life would be sweet - yes I am a stay-at-home Dad with two kids under 4 so my dreams are not as robust as they used to be - and I could use all that time I was not vacuuming being more productive like thinking of ways to integrate Rafi quotes from "The League" into my customer service calls to DirecTV.
My sister-in-law and husband were coming over later that day for dinner so I was hoping I could get some one-on-one time with her so I could find out how much the mats cost and other details.
Well our solo time never materialized so I was just left with the dreams of adding the mats to my Amazon wish list and hoping I could get them soon.
Fast forward to Christmas, and I see the present from my father-in-law under the tree. It does not look like a tool box or some other manly thing that could help me make loud sounds in the garage.
However, it did look exactly like the package I saw at my sister-in-law's house except now it was all dressed up with some fancy wrapping paper and a bow.
Unfortunately, since my snooping skills are now as bad as any Nicolas Cage movie in the past 5 years, I did not put it together.
I opened up the gift, and just started laughing because I had seen my present but did not make the connection because I am no longer a successful snooper.
And the whole time my sister-in-law was mad and worried because since she left the present in plain sight at her house she thought I had discovered what I was getting for Christmas.
Good thing I have lost that snooping feeling.

Hope you and yours have a great weekend, and my little cowgirl would like to 
wish you a Happy New Year. 

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Friday, December 21, 2012

Upon Further Review

I am an idiot.
Let me explain.
I have had the date circled mentally in my head ever since Mrs. Shife told me about it.
December 11.
The day I would be the teacher-helper at Kyle's pre-school.
My number had finally been drawn, and even with more than a month's notice I was starting to panic.
The anxiety kicked in. Then the doom and gloom. Followed by the nuclear apocalypse.
I don't know if any of you have anxiety but I do, and the way it works with me is that I just start to future worry about stuff and I imagine the worst-case scenario happening. It also has to do with fear. The fear of the unknown. As I have never been a teacher-helper before, I fear it is going to be a horrible experience for me leading to a series of non-stop downhill events until I am eventually turning tricks in dark alleys to support my bath salts habit.
Yes, it is absolutely absurd that somehow I will go from a teacher-helper at a pre-school to giving hand jobs in a Honda but my mind dreams up these ridiculous scenarios where I hit rock bottom doing unimaginable stuff.
Yes I know. Like I mentioned earlier, I am an idiot.
After a few moments, I realize the ludicrous chain of events I have created will not happen.
I return to reality, and my mind calms down thanks to modern medicine or by taking a few moments to breathe and relax.
Anyway, after the initial panic attack I was fine.
However, as the date drew closer, I started to feel the anxiety creeping back in, and knew I was going to be a little crazy on the morning of December 11.
I didn't want to worry about it so I knew I was going to take a Xanax that morning just to calm me down. I even joked about it on Twitter by saying that I hope they don't piss test at my kid's preschool. I'm going to be hopped up on Xanax. My 1st day as a teacher-helper. Me and 16 3-year-olds.
Sorry you had to read all of that to get to the day's events but here is the timeline:

8:30 AM: It was a little chilly outside so I went ahead and started the car up then headed back inside to get Kyle ready for school.
8:40 AM: We are heading out the door to load up and go to .... OMG!!!!!!!!!!!
I locked the keys inside the car.
Are you kidding me? Are you effin' kidding me?
I locked the keys inside the car.
I need to be in the car right now to go to school because I can't be late today because I am the TEACHER-HELPER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WTF?!? Did you really lock the keys inside the car? Uh, yes you did idiot.
8:41 AM: I survey my surroundings for a time machine (come on you know people just leaving those lying around everywhere) so I can go back to 8:29 AM.
8:42 AM: Time machine is not found. Neither is the Unlocking Car Fairy that I summoned with wishful thinking and the offer of a Costco size can of tuna. I once heard on NPR that fairies love tuna.
8:43 AM: OK. I need to pull it together.
We have a spare key. It is in the wooden box with the other spare keys. It is also the same wooden box that has been missing longer than a Ambushed Paddington reference on my blog.
8:45 AM: I search for it but it seems I would have better luck giving myself a vasectomy at this point. The box is in the wind. Of course we will run across it in the next week or so because that is how things always work out.
8:48 AM: I call Mrs. Shife to ask for suggestions/tips/advice/the location of the Jagermeister bottle/permission to wrap my lips around tailpipe of the running car.
Her only suggestion is to have my sister-in-law come over and I take her vehicle while she waits at the house for the locksmith to show up.
8:50 AM: I call my sister-in-law and she will be over in a flash.
And for the record, Kyle's school starts at 9:15 AM, but I have to be there at 9 AM at the latest because I am the TEACHER-HELPER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
8:53 AM: I call AAA. Thank the fat bassets I decided to renew my membership this year and they will have a locksmith over by 9:30 AM.
8:55 AM: I realize that my sister-in-law's definition of a flash has drastically changed in the last 2 years. She now has a 2-year-old and an almost 8-month-old. Plus she is watching Little Miss Hayden for us since I was going to be away at pre-school. So unless the actual Flash helps her round up the kids and load them into the mini-van, it is not going to to fall under the Merriam-Webster dictionary's definition of a flash. 
8:56 AM: I explain to Kyle why Daddy is running around like his pubic hairs are on fire. I assure him we will make it school on time. 
8:57 AM: I distract Kyle with the Kindle and episodes of Go Diego Go, and I am now pacing in front of our windows waiting for the silver mini-van to turn onto our street. 
8:58 AM: Realize that even though this morning is not going as planned it is going to make at least a good blog post. Find the positive. 
9:00-9:07 AM: Still pacing. Waiting. Pacing. Waiting. Pacing. Banging head against wall. Work on my Gangnam Style dance moves. Start wondering about life's many mysteries and other silly thoughts. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Why don't penguins have knees? Is it me or are dogs forever in the push-up position? Did Jimmy really need to crack corn? When does it stop being partly cloudy and start being partly sunny? Is Tank Tank actually giving me kisses or is he seeing what I taste like in case he needs to go cannibal on me? 
9:08 AM: My sister-in-law arrives with her cargo, and we make the switch as I bring babies into the house and she loads up Kyle for me.
9:09 AM: Kyle and I are on the road pushing that mini-van to its structural limits to get to school on time.
9:14 AM: With one minute to spare, Kyle and I make it, and I explain the situation to his teacher. She fires me, sends us home, and Kyle has been expelled.
9:14 AM: Just kidding.Kyle's teacher is totally sympathetic and she puts me to work as Kyle and I begin our pre-school experience together.
11:30 AM: I am done as a teacher-helper, and Kyle and I are off to the hardware store to get a spare key made.
The End.

I hope you and yours have a Merry Christmas.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Friday, December 14, 2012

Today Is Not The Day

I wrote a post a few days ago, and I was planning on sharing it with everyone tonight.
But today is not the day.
It was about me taking Kyle to pre-school.
I don't feel comfortable or right talking about my child and his school when there are too many people dealing with a parent's worst nightmare tonight.
Today is also not the day to discuss to gun control. Not when hearts need time to heal and it is hard to see anything properly when your eyes are blurred with tears.

So what I am asking today is that you pray to whatever deity you believe in for all those involved, for everyone touched by this senseless tragedy. And hug your loved ones a little longer than usual. Then pray again that this world can good again because on days like today I have a real hard time believing it.

Finally, I read a lot of quotes tonight from people with a lot more wisdom than me but the one that really spoke to me was this one: "There are times when there are too few words left to heal us, when what we wish for is to be carried, when all we have left is the hope that tomorrow will be a more gentle place to land than today."

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

Friday, December 07, 2012

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • Obscure Reference #1: 30 Helens agree: Sleep is awesome. I will go into more details further down the page but when you don't get a lot of sleep you realize how amazing a good night's sleep really is for you. And if you get the reference about the 30 Helens, I just gave you a mental high five. 
  • Obscure Reference #2: I was informed earlier this week that 12/12/12 will be the last repetitive date that we will ever see. Then I remembered I was a Highlander so it is all cool. If you get both of my references, we are Internet soul mates and must exchange beef stew recipes. 
  • 1554: Nope, not my SAT score but a new beer I tried on accident and it turned out to be a great surprise because I loved it. 
  • Parenting Tip: I have heard a lot of advice from people since I became a Dad, but I think the one that is most applicable to to me is: "Take it One Day at A Time." Somedays are awesome, somedays suck, and that is how it goes, but if you do your best, it should turn out pretty darn good in the long run. 
  • Ruff Week: Yes I meant ruff. It will make sense shortly. The reason I said sleep was awesome is because Tank Tank has gotten me up two nights this week because he was not feeling well. First, Wednesday he was up all night pacing and very anxious so I laid down with him in the living room but that only worked out in like 15-minute increments. The next day - Thursday - I took him to the vet to see what was up because he was still acting like he snorted some coke off a midget's behind. The diagnosis was that he had an ear infection and was constipated. Good times. He got some pills and they worked their magic almost immediately. Unfortunately, they only have a 12-hour life cycle so Tank was feeling weird again at about 4 in the morning so I had to get up to give him more meds and calm him down again. Anyway, after 2 nights of no sleep, Tank is feeling better. I hope I feel better after getting some sleep.  
  • Busted: Kyle found our stash of Christmas presents. He came running out of our room all excited saying Santa Claus had already come by and dropped off his presents. I was not at home when this happened but Mrs. Shife was able to divert him with enough shiny objects to lead him to believe that the presents were not for him but I have a feeling that this is not the last we have heard of this. 
  • Favorite Quote of the Week:  As long as you're still breathing, you will always have the chance to improve your life. Every day is a new opportunity to do exactly that. It's your choice. - Bob Proctor

  • Me and my little dude. 

    I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.