Think before you speak

Here are some reasons why you should think before you speak!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back ... or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a few people who did ....

FIRST TESTIMONY
A woman walked into a hair salon with her husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" The woman turned around and walked back out and never went back. Her husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY
A woman was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. She was unhappy with the women's type she had been using. After browsing for several minutes, she was approached by a man who works at the store. He asked if he could help her. Without thinking, she looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls"

THIRD TESTIMONY
A woman and her sister were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As they were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if they needed any help. The woman replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." The woman’s sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for two days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! The female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Random Acts of Shifeness

Work has kept me busier than a one-armed arm trombone player with crabs again this week, but I still had a few minutes to come up with some completely unsystematic thoughts.

• Evidently the marriage vows “for better or for worse” do not apply to the movie, “Jackass Number Two.” Mrs. Shife has communicated to me that she will not see this movie with me. The only way I can drag her to the theaters is if I watch the 59-hour BBC version (OK it is only 5 hours, but these types of movies work like dog years for guys. To you it is only 300 minutes, but to us dudes it is like 2100 minutes) of “Pride and Prejudice” with her. I honestly don’t think 90 minutes of juvenile humor and groin kicks equals a Limey marathon. So does anyone want to see “Jackass” with me?


• Speaking of Mrs. Shife, here’s a shameless plug. My wife and I will be celebrating our 2nd wedding anniversary this Monday. I am not sure what you get your sweetie for #2. So Happy Anniversary to my lovely wife.


• The season premieres of “The Office” and “My Name is Earl” were awesome, especially “The Office.” I have been giggling to myself all morning thinking about Michael, Dwight and the gaydar. I was a little disappointed with “Grey’s Anatomy.” I just thought it wasn’t as good as it could have been.


• If anyone is in Boise on Oct. 27 you are cordially invited to Mr. and Mrs. Shife’s Second Halloween Extravaganza. I got my costume picked out this year but mum’s the word until after the party.


• Summer is over officially Saturday. Bummer. I am not ready for the cold weather yet. And I am definitely not ready for the annual every single tree in the neighborhood has its leaves fall into our yard event.


• Here are some signs that you are getting old: “A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit," and “I just can't drink the way I used to” replaces “I'mnever going to drink that much again.”


• Seeking recommendations for Reno/Lake Tahoe? Me and Mrs. Shife are going there for Thanksgiving and are trying to decide where to stay, Reno or Tahoe? I am about the gambling and the nightlife, and Mrs. Shife wants to hit the slopes. So we are in a bit of a quandary on where to stay.
  
  Have a great weekend everyone.

Going commando

Well I have been meaning to share this story for a little bit now, but a little thing called work has kept getting in the way. For the Labor Day weekend, Mrs. Shife and I went to her parent's house over the long weekend. It is roughly a little more than six hours. We hit the road after work and were on our way. Mrs. Shife drove, and I enjoyed some fabulous cinematic adventures on my portable DVD player. Well as the miles started to rack up something strange started to manifest itself in my pants. I am not sure if it was because I was sitting in the same position for hours or if there was sudden change in cabin pressure or if I had a dormant case of crotch rot that only surfaced in eastern Oregon or if I just suffered from itchy butt syndrome. Whatever the heck was going on in the Fruit of the Loom kingdom is still a mystery but somebody was going to get hurt if there was not a resolution to this drama. So I was faced with a bit of dilemma. Do I ask my lovely wife to pull over so I can further investigate to see if I am smuggling carpenter ants in my pants or do I just take matters into my own hands? The next words out of Mrs. Shife's mouth were "What the fuck are you doing?" so that might give you an idea of what I decided to do. I pulled down my shorts, grabbed my underwear, and started pulling. It is amazing how easily those cotton nut huggers fall to pieces when you pull hard enough. I yanked, tugged, heaved, ripped, jerked, wrenched, cried, etc. and after about 10 minutes the only thing left was an elastic waistband. I could have easily said, "Mrs. Shife can you please pull over. I am experiencing some mild discomfort south of the border." But since I am stubborn son of a bitch I decided I would rather pluck those panties off right then and there in the thriving metropolis that is Milton-Freewater while we were cruising at a speed of 70 miles per hour. So I am down one pair of skivvies, but the joy I felt after being released from my undergarments was almost indescribable. So there you go; the highlight of my Labor Day weekend, but please do not shed any tears for the shredded Hanes because those undies died an honorable death. I do believe that my violent behavior towards my intimate apparel makes me ineligible to be an underwear model, but damn it, the truth had to be told to prevent this from happening to another innocent victim. Yes, it is true, underwear are not always fun to wear.

Have you seen my stapler?

Just a quick update. I am alive and well, and I have a funny story
I would like to share (at least I think it is funny). Unfortunately, there is one little problem when you take a week off from work. No one does your job for you while you are gone. So when you get back to the office you have quite the large pile of things to do. I hope to get caught up soon, and then I will post something interesting and get to reading your blogs. Take care and see you soon.

LOL

I do believe that the acronym LOL has been quite exaggerated. Seriously, how often have you laughed out loud while reading whatever clever message has appeared before you on your computer. Do you really laugh out load?

I do believe society has taken liberties with LOL, but that is besides the point. The actual point is that I actually did have a LOL moment and I want to share it with you. So I am watching Real Time with Bill Mahr on HBO and my LOL moment happens. It goes something like this.

"I never thought I would tell an accused child molester this, but pull your pants down!!!"

And if any of you have seen John Mark Karr, you know that this mentally disturbed person thinks that wearing his pants around his nipples is perfectly acceptable. I know this picture is not the best portrayal as to how Mr. Karr likes to wear his polyester blend, but the dude seriously has his pants hiked up around his aerolas.

That is all. Sorry I may have had a few cocktails and probably should be in bed. Peace out bloggers.

Have a Great Weekend

I hope everyone has a safe and happy Labor Day weekend. I will be off the reservation until Monday, September 11. So if you don't hear from me until then just wait longer. I will be back, and little hugs and little kisses to you all. And below is some advice for you all to keep in mind over this long weekend. Peace out bloggers.