Friday, January 31, 2014

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • So who are you rooting for in the Super Bowl? The Seahawks? The Broncos? Or the commercials? I'm going with the ads because I'm not a fan of either team. 
  • I felt a little like Punxsutawney Phil yesterday because I saw my shadow outside. Hopefully it doesn't mean six more weeks of winter. Anyway I was extremely excited to see it because we have been in an inversion – which is a fancy way of saying no sun for you buttholes – since Jan. 12 and finally after 18 days of a foggy haze there was a blue sky with the sun shining down on us. It was awesome. 
  • Since I'm greater than 40, I get the backdoor how are you check-up from my doctor, and lucky me, it was this week. Everything went well and overall I'm in good shape. I just need to figure out how to get rid of this geographic tongue and then I'll be a happy camper. 
  • I also discovered that I am officially sterile. They ran a test to make sure all of my boys were down for the count and they are. I am just like a Christmas tree now and sporting only ornamental balls. 
  • When Kyle gets in trouble, he gets upset and proclaims that he's sad because he thinks I don't love him anymore. It's so hard not to laugh at him because he gets overly dramatic and it's quite amusing. I do my best to refrain and assure him that I will always love him even if he had just poured orange juice all over Tank. 
  • Happy Chinese New Year. It's the Year of the Horse. I'm not sure what you're suppose to do to celebrate but how about a joke: What did the horse say when it fell? I've fallen and I can't giddyup! And on that note I'll be "trotting" off. =) 

And here's a picture of all of us at our fancy photo shoot. Yes I know I'm a lucky man. 

Have a great weekend. Thanks for stopping by.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Friday, January 24, 2014

Welcome to the Twitterdome

So I tweet.
I think I'm too old to be completely addicted to it but there are some parts of Twitter I enjoy.
And occasionally I put some stuff out there that is interesting.
By interesting, I mean one too many Keanu Reeves references.
Do you tweet? If so, find me @mrshife.

Well thank you for stopping by, and have yourself a wonderful weekend.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

Friday, January 17, 2014

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

I have done a lot of stupid things over my lifetime. Icy Hot on the balls, drinking way too much Jagermeister, spending money to watch Howard the Duck in the theater, paying homage to the Hoff on my blog for a whole week, hitchhiking to Canada, peeing into the wind, etc. And then there's this story I remembered recently that I'm going to share that will only reinforce why I call this blog, Confessions of a Dumb, White Guy.
So what act of stupidity did I do this time?
I punched myself in the eye over and over until I had a nice shiner while I was in college.
You read that correctly.
I deliberately hit myself in the face numerous times.
At this point of our conversation, I'm sure you have a few questions like:
What was I wearing?
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck?
Why do we scream at each other? And is this what it sounds like when doves cry?
And why for the love of fat bassets would I do this to myself?
Well a lot of alcohol was involved and it seemed like a really great idea at the time.
It also reminds me that I don't have too many good stories that start off with"I had way too many Diet Cokes and then … ."
It was a Sunday afternoon and someone thought we had so much fun drinking the night before that we should keep the party going.
Since I am a supportive and encouraging friend, I thought that the idea sounded wonderful.
It was wonderful until it dawned on me after I had entered the drunken kingdom that I had a test the following afternoon.
Unless the test featured multiple choice questions like, Why do you smell like alcohol? A) Because I'm a moron and drank all day Sunday. B) I enjoy soaking in Kamchatka vodka to alleviate my anal fissures. C) I was attacked by inebriated pirates who did steamrollers all over me until I begged for mercy but not until they got their drunken stench all over me. D) I run a moonshining operation on the weekends so I can afford my taxidermy lessons, then I was  not going to be prepared for the exam.
When I had my moment of clarity, I told my drinking buddies about my predicament and we all sat around for a few moments thinking deeply about what I could do to get out of my test. There were a few good ideas like sickness, death in the family, alien abduction, etc. then someone mentioned "shots" and just like that we were off to other adventures.
Some more time passed and the party was still going strong until I decided to bring it to a halt.
I punched myself in the eye.
One of my friends looked at me and said "WTF?" (He really didn't say WTF. He said what the fu … well you know. I was just trying to keep this sorta clean.)
I replied "Car accident."
He said "Nice."
And then I kept hitting myself until I got the right amount of discoloration around my eye.
Of course my friends volunteered to help me out but I politely declined their generous offers.
The night continued, the alcohol flowed, but the only shots I got the rest of the night were from me punching my stupid face.
To make a long story less long, I woke up the next day and saw that the fruits of my drunken labors were going to work perfectly so I went to my professor before my class to explain my situation. She bought the car accident story and I took the test the next day.
Of course, I failed it.
But the black eye got me some nice sympathy from the ladies and 20 years later it makes for a nice story on my blog.

And everyone laughed when I told them how dumb I was.

Take care and thanks for stopping by.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

Friday, January 10, 2014

Name Dropping

  • I got some great news this week and I just wanted to share it with all of the awesome people that visit my bloggythingamajig. I wrote about my friend Jeff last year, who was diagnosed with terminal liver cancer. Well thanks to chemotherapy and a major surgery that removed a good chunk of his liver, he beat the odds and is now cancer free and I couldn't be happier for him. He has beat cancer twice now. I think he deserves a clean bill of health for an extremely long time. 
  • Remember this name, Trevor Noah. He's one funny dude. Here's a link to a clip from YouTube about tacos that might make you pee your pants. 
  • Kyle found a loophole in my tree rule. I told him if he climbed the tree in the backyard I would build him a treehouse. Well he climbed a tree. Not the one I was talking about but I do admire his ingenuity. 

  • I forget how much of a sponge Hayden is and she never ceases to surprise me as to what she has absorbed. I told her it was time for bed last night and she just looked at me with a big smile, held up a couple of fingers, and said "Two more minutes." Her birth certificate says she is 2 but I don't believe it sometimes. 
  • Well I better name drop Mrs. Shife since she's amazing and she lets me sleep in every now and then. 
  • Ragnar Lodbrok is one bad dude. I started watching season 1 of Vikings (thank you Amazon Prime) and it's awesome. It is really helping me deal with the Game of Thrones void in my life. 
  • Did you ever hear of a polar vortex before this week? I heard a comedian call it a snowman gang bang and I do believe that is a more memorable name. 
  • By the way, you are awesome. You don't believe me? Just ask Tank.  

Thanks for stopping by, and have a wonderful weekend.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Friday, January 03, 2014

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • Happy New Year!! How's 2014 treating you so far? No complaints here, and I haven't wrote 2013 on one check so far. Not that I write many checks these days but hey it's the little things.
  • Any resolutions or goals you are striving for? I've never been big into resolutions but I can get behind a goal and this year I'm shooting for 1,000 miles on my legs. It's about 19.25 miles per week, and I only have 992.6 miles to go. 
  • How was your Christmas? Pretty low key at Casa de Shifley. Nothing too crazy but we did get Kyle and Hayden one present that was pretty awesome and I hope it will be a gift they use for a long time. Here are the before and after pictures of our garage, which is their playroom, and affectionately called the Dojo:

    • Yes that is a bounce house, and Mrs. Shife and I thought we were being the biggest morons in the parenting world for even thinking about getting that for Kyle and Hayden. But we did it and they love it, and it will be a Christmas that we remember fondly. 
    • I just finished the book Unbroken about Louis Zamperini. Absolutely amazing, and I can't complain about anything after hearing what Louie had to go through just to make back home from World War II. 
    • My favorite quote of the week: The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance; the wise man grows it under his feet.  – James Openheim
    • My weird thought of the week: "Jesus loves you" takes on a whole new meaning if you're in a Mexican prison. 
    • And finally in the "You Can't Make This Shit Up" category: Man High on Meth Fights Off 15 Officers While Masturbating. I smell a Lifetime movie of the week coming. Yes, I admit coming might have been a poor wording choice there. 

    Thanks for stopping by. Have a fantastic weekend.

    I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.