Friday, February 15, 2013

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • Kyle and I were recently introduced to Hayden's musical skills. Not too shabby for a 14-month-old but I might be biased. 

  • Hayden has also discovered that her index finger fits perfectly inside her nose. 
  • I know there has been enough ball talk on here to last a lifetime but I did have another follow up this week because of my surgery complications. The verdict is that I am healing up but it is going to take some time. Like 2 weeks before everything looks normal again. Also, the doctor was concerned that I might have an infection so he started me on a round of antibiotics. Guess what is the big side effect of the pills I have to take? If you said diarrhea you are a big winner. An autographed copy of my future book "Life After Testicles: The Advantages of a Castration over a Vasectomy" will be in the mail soon. I really wish someone would let me borrow a time machine so I could go back to Jan. 31. 
  • I was also told by my doctor when I came in for this follow up that he wanted a sample of my swimmers. I assumed he wanted me to do it while I was at his office, which of course made me a little nervous. Do I have to use my imagination? Do they have a secret secret stash of material hidden in one of the offices to help motivate folks who need to get up for the task? Well I was way off as he gave me a to-go cup so I can take care of business at home and bring it back to the lab.  
  • All that ball talk also got my site blocked. One of my buddies tried to check out my blog at work but his network administration shut it down because they thought it was a porn site. I am so proud of myself sometimes.
  • A big shout out to my writing coach. She is awesome. Step 1 of my book is complete: the query letter.  Now we are working on my book's introduction, and then I will send it off to literary agents. Another step closer to completing a dream. Thank you Dana.
  • How was your Valentine's Day? The wife and I do not celebrate the Hallmark holiday but Kyle did with all of his friends at pre-school. It was fun helping him make his cards, and sign his name. He is at the tracing stage of his writing career. I write out his name for him, and then he traces over the letters. The little man is definitely going to be a lefty. 
  • Finally, I was watching a video today of people getting surprised by their loved ones who had been over in Iraq or Afghanistan. I was in tears about 10 seconds - I blame that on the vasectomy - and I noticed something: the way the parents would hug their children. It was a different type hug than husband and wife or boyfriend and girlfriend. Maybe it is because I am a parent now or maybe I just have not noticed before because I am a dumb, white guy. Anyway it just made me really miss my Mom because after I graduated from high school I would only get to see her a few times a year  so when saw each other it was a really good hug. 
  • Have a great weekend and thanks for stopping by.

  • I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

    Friday, February 08, 2013

    The Vasectomy Epilogues

    Warning: There is a 100 percent chance that this blog update will have too much information (TMI) for some of you and for that I do apologize in advance, but I have had my balls on the brain - just figuratively smart asses - for the past 2 weeks. Plus I thought you might like an update on how things are progressing for me below the belt.

    Saturday AM: Woke up sore but I was keeping fresh ice on the boys faster than a Zamboni driver on a Red Bull binge so I was not feeling too shabby. The worst part was waking up with morning wood. Oh hell no are you kidding me  - and yes I sometimes my inner dialogue voice talks like a middle-aged black woman - was my first thought. The last thing my crotch needed was a boner but I got one, and it was just as unwanted as the one I got in 6th grade when Ms. Thuner called me up to the chalk board to work on a math problem.  

    Saturday PM: Talking to one of my friends on the phone and had my first-ever conversation that involved the words surgical smoke plumes. I just told him that it is was not comforting looking down at my crotch and seeing smoke billowing in the air. I was like WTF is going on down there. This would be a real bad time to find out that I actually authorized my doctor to give me a weenie roast. 
    He was actually cauterizing parts of my plumbing so my swimmers would be ineffective and as a result of the cauterizing there were surgical smoke plumes. You find out all kinds of interesting stuff doing vasectomy research on the Google machine.

    Sunday: Mrs. Shife and the kids went to a Super Bowl party but I just chilled at home with my frozen bags of peas. Oh. Don't be sad for me. Wipe away those tears. I enjoyed a few of my favorite things in life like deep dish pizza, BBQ ribs and amber ales while the family was away so it was OK. BTW, the boys look horrible. Like they got ran over by a car. Just looking lifeless and sore. No definition to them at all. It looks like I have one giant, flat ball. 

    Monday: I am back at work being a stay-at-home dad, and by the end of the evening I am pretty sore. This is by far the most painful day, and I guess it was because I was being more active after three days of doing nothing in bed.  It is also a little weird seeing my testicles all bruised up. Don't worry I will not share a picture. Definitely too much TMI for the eyeballs. 

    Tuesday: OK this is not cool. I have had blue balls, but never black balls. Note to self: It is not a good idea to do a Google image search for black balls because you get exactly what you think you are going to get. I know more TMI but my dudes are frickin' black. There is a slight tint of blue and purple but those fellas are really, really black. And just to help paint a little more vivid of a picture for you, below is one of the worst bruises I ever had. I got hit with a line drive playing softball. The bruise I am currently sporting makes this look like a paper cut.

    I was also a little nervous dropping Kyle off at pre-school today because a majority of those kids are at crotch level and they are always flailing around like fish out of water. Plus, they get a little wound up and excited before school starts. As soon as the school door opens, it is like they get a hit of pure, uncut Columbian sugar and it starts coursing through their little bodies immediately. So I was little defensive and moved slowly and cautiously through the wild child zone ready to deliver a quick karate chop to their little noggins if they came anywhere near my crotch.

    Wednesday: Still sore and had a hard time watching the World Cup qualifying matches today as there was a lot of talk about balls. He kicked the ball. He stopped the ball. He headed the ball. All this ball talk and my ball looks like a black cherry on steroids.
    Another downside to my vasectomy recovery is that I can't take a painkiller. I have an allergic reaction to them which usually involves me hugging the toilet and heaving my guts out. I decided back in college that swollen nuts and puking were not a good combination so I am only able to take super ibuprofen. They are helping a little bit but not enough to make me forget that my groin looks like it got worked over by a midget with fists of fury. 

    Thursday:  I feel like I am walking around like I have a small piece of furniture wedged up my ass or me and my horse Hoss just finished a 2-week cattle drive. Just waddling around trying to get through the day and keep up with Kyle, Hayden and Tank. I hope I feel better tomorrow because I have either turned into a giant wuss with no tolerance for pain or there is something else going on down there. It just doesn't seem OK that I am still grimacing when I try to tie my shoe or have to roll out of bed. 

    Friday: I had my vasectomy follow-up today and it is never an inspiring moment when the doctor examines you and says "Well that doesn't look good." I have a scrotal hematoma, and you definitely do not want to do an image search on that term. Yay! I got to go immediately to the hospital so they could relieve the pressure because it was basically a blood clot in my scrotum. I got to the hospital, had an ultrasound on my hematoma, and then the doctor said "Well if it was my testicle, I would not do anything." I figured since the doc had grown so fond of my testicle I would follow his advice. He said the draining the testicle would cause a lot more pain and the amount of fluid that he would take out would not be worth it in his opinion. He said just go commando for a few weeks and my body should take care of it. No undies for this guy, and I already feel way better since I don't have my boys all bunched up in those banana hammocks. The day started out not so swell - again a real poor choice of words - but now I know why I was still in a lot of pain and I got to tuck my panties in my back pocket as I left the hospital. I call that a pretty good day.

    Enjoy your weekend. 

    I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

    Friday, February 01, 2013

    The Vasectomy Monologues

    Trust me I know I am making a bigger deal out of this than it is, and I am not looking for sympathy maybe just a little empathy. However, I am being honest about all of the thoughts that I have gone through my head this week so I am sharing them with you. So here they are:

    Sunday: Mrs. Shife asked me if I asked my doctor how many snips he has given, and I said I didn't. He has been my doctor for years and has performed some minor surgeries on me so I just assumed he has a few neuters under his belt. I guess I will be concerned if he has "A Dummy's Guide to Vasectomies" out when he starts working on my plumbing. I would be even more concerned if this was his actual name.

    Monday: Called my doctor with a few questions.
    Can I drink the night before? Yes. So I will be able to give the boys - and by boys I do mean my sperm - a few toasts. They have had a good run. The gave me a few scares over the years but also gave me two of my very favorite things.
    Do I need to shave? He said I didn't need to but it would not be a bad idea.
    Should I go with the hasidic look? Shaved down the middle with long curls on the side?
    Just get a little nervous when I do some manscaping with the clippers on the twins - and they are identical in case you were wondering - as I have nicked myself before and it was not what I would call a happier moment in my life.

    Tuesday: A mild anxiety attack. Just thinking about how I am going to feel after getting fixed. Am I going to feel emasculated? Will I start watching Ricki Lake in the afternoon? Will I take a sudden interest in knitting? Will I write a sad county songs that contains the line "Lying here on the sofa with an icebag on my balls." I know it is completely nuts - wow really a poor choice of words there - and I know I will not be half the man I used to be. I will still be important just impotent. I am able to work my way through this anxiety episode and I have not starting popping Valium. Yet.

    Wednesday AM: Realized Tank and I will now have another thing in common besides trying to hump Mrs. Shife's leg as we will both be shooting blanks. Also realized that I will be like a Christmas tree and just be sporting ornamental balls.

    Wednesday PM: Also been thinking about skydiving a lot. What. The. Hell. Skydiving and a vasectomy are not exactly tag-team partners when it comes to forming thoughts. Well they are tonight in my mind. Let me explain. People who do not want to skydive say something to the effect "Why would I jump out of a perfectly good airplane?" and I keep thinking why do something to my penis when it works just fine. It also gives me an opportunity to work in two of my favorite quotes which happen to involve skydiving: "If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you." and "You don't need a parachute to skydive. You need a parachute to skydive twice."

    Thursday: I was also told that jogging pants and a jockstrap were the most practical outfit to wear the day of the procedure according to a vasectomy website I visited to get some info. I also assumed that I should wear a shirt as well. So speaking of shirts, I thought this would be the most appropriate shirt to wear for tomorrow's big day. What do you think?

    Friday: It is the big day. At 4:30 pm, the procedure begins, and everything after this last sentence will be about how things went for me and my boys. Talk to you soon.

    Friday PM: Back home, and in bed with two bags of frozen peas on my crotch watching "Duck Dynasty." I am feeling happy, happy, happy. Everything went well. I read the new issue of "Entertainment Weekly" while the doctor was doing his business. I am going to be a little sore but it definitely was not that big of a deal. He just said to take it easy for 36 hours and that is my plan.
    Hope your weekend is off to a good start. Take care.

    I will persevere. I will be the stream. I will keep moving forward.