Friday, August 29, 2008

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • Has "I need to shave my butt" been the first thought in your head when you wake up in the morning? How about "I need to shave the dog's butt"?
  • "Tropic Thunder" is frickin' hilarious. I know someone does not agree with me on that but maybe I just had zero expectations when I saw it. I had a good time at this movie.
  • Has anyone ever considered yelling "Theater" in a firehouse?
  • It might have been a good idea to go by Richard.
  • New term - stink ghost. Maybe you have heard it but it is new to me. When you are in the mall or someplace and you walk into someone's fart. Just minding your own business and then all of the sudden your nasal cavities are being assaulted by General Colon's barking commandos.
  • So I am leaving on a jet plane. Taking off on a vacation next week so this blog will be quiet. Sorry. I know I just started writing again and now I am leaving again. But I will talk to everyone when I return. Normal blogging should resume around Sept. 9.
  • Enjoy your long weekend, and be kind, please rewind. And one more tip - try not to have as much fun as this guy:

Thursday, August 28, 2008

300 seconds

So I am picking a completely random sentence that I found on the Internet and then I am going to write whatever pops in my head for five minutes. I must warn you this is probably going to be as much as fun as kicking water uphill but let’s see what happens.

Just finished enjoying a blueberry blast smoothie and some Jazzercise. Man oh man that Jazzercise can really make you feel like a man. Wow I got three mans in one sentence. Speaking of man, I saw a video today of Manfred Mann’s “Blinded by the Light” and I guess it is one of those songs where the lyrics are misheard quite often. Instead of hearing “Blinded by the light, revved up like a deuce, another runner in the night.” People hear “Blinded by the light, wrapped up like a douche into the middle of the night.” I can see where people hear douche but why the hell would anyone sing about being wrapped up like a douche in the middle of the night. I have heard some strange stuff but I don’t believe “wrapped up like a douche” has been indoctrinated into American vernacular enough to warrant an inclusion in a top 40 song. But it was the ‘70s and who knows what the hell the kids back then were doing. Maybe they were wrapping stuff up in douches and experimenting. I don’t even know what a douche looks like. Now I can point out a douche bag a mile away, but if you had a lineup of items and said pick out the douche I think I would be go home still douche less. Are their male douches? I am not trying to be a smart ass just curious. We dudes have some smelly parts and it would not be a bad idea to tidy up some of those areas. I mean I could use a shot of Febreeze in the taint region every now and then especially after going to the gym. The taint? The spot between your balls and your butthole. It ain’t your balls and it ain’t your butthole. I imagine that is where Sex Panther cologne originates from. That is great quote from “Anchorman.”
Brian Fantana: [about Veronica] I'll give this little cookie an hour before we're doing the no-pants dance. Time to musk up. [opens cologne cabinet]
Ron Burgundy: Wow. Never ceases to amaze me. What cologne you gonna go with? London Gentleman, or wait. No, no, no. Hold on. Blackbeard's Delight.
Brian Fantana: No, she gets a special cologne... It's called Sex Panther by Odeon. It's illegal in nine countries... Yep, it's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good.
Ron Burgundy: It's quite pungent.
Brian Fantana: Oh yeah.
Ron Burgundy: It's a formidable scent... It stings the nostrils. In a good way.
Brian Fantana: Yep.
Ron Burgundy: Brian, I'm gonna be honest with you, that smells like pure gasoline.
Brian Fantana: They've done studies, you know. 60% of the time it works, every time. [cheesy grin]
Ron Burgundy: That doesn't make sense.
Brian Fantana: Well... Let's go see if we can make this little kitty purr.

And time’s up. See you tomorrow.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

While Mrs. Moose is Away

apparently Mr. Moose likes to bang buffalo statues. I do believe this would fall under the category of things you do not see every day. And it also makes you grateful that you are not a buffalo statue.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

The Wonderful World Wide Web

Here are some highlights I have found on the information superhighway. Please enjoy, and remember only you can prevent forest fires.
  • Any female readers from the Louisville area will be happy to know that they can receive free oral sex from this cool dude.
  • Need a computer lesson? Ask Bud. Bud looks like a classy dude. Next time I have Excel problems Bud is getting an email.
  • Ever wondered what to wear to your mug shot? Well here are some ideas.
  • The Periodic Table of Awesomeness.
  • Weird Asia News. Actually really weird Asia news. Those dudes in Hong Kong are freaky.
Have a great Tuesday.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Funny stuff

I heard this the other day when I was watching a movie. I am paraphrasing but I still think I am doing it justice. And if you know the movie then I might send you a country ham.

I love Famous Amos cookies. They are so good. Delicious. But growing up as kid my family was very poor so we could not afford Famous Amos cookies. Instead we had to settle for the generic version of Famous Amos. These little treats were called Heinous Anus cookies. They are not so delicious.

Happy Monday

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Boob tube

Euphemism - A word or phrase that is used in place of another that is thought to be too strong or unpleasant. For example, "He is a little person" instead of "He is a sawed-off bastard."
Well I never thought I would hear a euphemism for jerking off during an adjustable gastric band commercial. But then again I never thought I would be watching Olympic badminton matches.
So what are these magical words that made me giggle like a 12-year-old boy.
Drum roll please.
I want to do karate with my little warrior.

Watch the commercial here and you will hear it in the first few seconds.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Rock me Bryan Adams

Do you remember the power ballad "Heaven" by Bryan Adams?
Here is a link to the video in case you need to refresh the brain.
Anyway, I heard something the other day and then I realized I am a sick and twisted person.
If you want to know if you are sick and twisted then replace the line "We're in Heaven" with "You are only 11" when you watch the video.
The lyrics are below if you just want to read.
If you giggle then welcome aboard the S & T fun bus.
If you didn't then you probably should not be reading this blog.

Oh - thinkin' about all our younger years
There was only you and me
We were young and wild and free

Now nothin' can take you away from me
We been down that road before
But that's over now
You keep me comin' back for more

Baby you're all that I want
When you're lyin' here in my arms
I'm findin' it hard to believe
You are only 11
And love is all that I need
And I found it there in your heart
It isn't too hard to see
You are only 11

Oh - once in your life you find someone
Who will turn your world around
Bring you up when you're feelin' down

Ya - nothin' could change what you mean to me
Oh there's lots that I could say
But just hold me now
Cause our love will light the way

N' baby you're all that I want
When you're lyin' here in my arms
I'm findin' it hard to believe
You are only 11
And love is all that I need
And I found it there in your heart
It isn't too hard to see
You are only 11

I've been waitin' for so long
For something to arrive
For love to come along

Now our dreams are comin' true
Through the good times and the bad
Ya - I'll be standin' there by you

P.S. I don't what is dumber - me thinking "You are only 11" is funny or that video. What the hell was the message there? Seriously people were doing a lot of narcotics back in the early '80s. OK. Let's open with a DUI arrest, then concert footage, then stoned chick leaves and sneaks into the concert, then stoned chick realizes she is stoned and has walked into a band rehearsal, then Bryan Adams wraps up the song and bolts off the stage because one of his band mates unleashed a fart tsunami that smelled like someone humped a piece of cheese, but then he is trapped inside because a blizzard just hit. Yeah that about sums it up.