Thursday, October 28, 2010

Your one-stop shop for inappropriate boners

Sorry I had to break the Random Acts streak and go with something else this week. Actually I don't have much of a post this week because I devoted most of my blogging time being the guest picker for my buddy Phats over at his blog. So if you are interested in what I have to say about football picks you can check it out. And if you do read my picks you will know why I have not made a small fortune as a professional gambler.

So here we are and not too much to write about. I took a look at some of the keywords that bring people to my blog and as always it is quite interesting. Before we begin I am a little disappointed that people are no longer searching for gay swamp butt (yep I am #1 on Google for that search term) or ambushed paddington (#4). I blame it on the tough economy. But here a few of the keywords people do use to end up on my blog:

  1. inappropriate boners - Yep unfortunately not all of our boners are appropriate.
  2. inappropriate erections - Erections can't hide from inappropriateness either.
  3. Baywatch - It is Hofficial. My David Hasselhoff man crush is still paying dividends.
  4. dwarfshank - Oh I am so glad I heard the words dwarfshank redemption this year.
  5. Trichophilia - I had to look this one up again.It is a fetish in which one becomes sexually aroused by, or is extremely fond of, human hair; commonly head hair.
  6. horse ass picture - It really is a nice picture if I must say so myself.
  7. inasppropriate boner - This boner is so not suitable that it causes you to misspell inappropriate.
  8. cat farts - I am the definitive source on cat farts. I get quoted all the time whenever there is a breaking news story about cat farts on CNN.
  9. WHITE GUY FARTS - Somebody was either very excited to learn all about white guy farts or they were very angry with them. When you go all caps in your search it is on.
  10. top 10 big boners - I am sensing a trend here. Another search about boners. I wonder what that says about me?
  11. why do guy always say their left nut - People ask the tough questions and only a few of us have the courage to heed that call.
  12. dr phil is dumb - Pretty much self-explanatory.

Well if you just scrolled down to the bottom I don't blame you. Just go ahead and tell me how adorable my little man looks after his battle with ketchup. Some of it actually did make it in his mouth. Have a good one.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Bullet Points from a Dumb, White Guy

  • Just curious. Do dogs only ride shotgun in America? I know I have a few visitors that don't call the USA home so I was wondering if dogs in your country ride in the front seats of cars or if this is just an American thing?
  • Why do we say "a pair of pants" when there is only one article of clothing involved?
  • Are you familiar with the term bathroom song? If a band is playing a song you don't like then it is the perfect time to go to the bathroom. I do this a lot at concerts but never called it anything special.
  • Just ran across this quote, "I think you are trying to sell cats to a man who fancies dogs."
  • Speaking of quotes, Mrs. Shife and I are going to put up a quote board in the bathroom to help us stay more positive. Does anyone care to share some of their favorite quotes?
  • I always laugh when a salesman comes to our house, gives us a bid, and says the install will be a piece of cake. Then the install guy shows up and has to reschedule because it turns out the install will not be a piece of cake. I guess that is what happens when your house was built in 1959.
  • Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat anyway?
  • So below you will see the Halloween costumes for the Shifley family. I went as Snow White, and Mrs. Shife and Lil' Shife were dwarfs. As you can see Kyle was not too happy with his costume and Tankers was also a dwarf but he basically ate his costume so that is why he was not in the photo. My other dwarfs were off as extras in "The Dwarfshank Redemption." And you don't have to tell me that I make a beautiful Snow White. Then again beauty is definitely in the eye of the beholder and I think any beholders would need about 47 beers to think I looked good as Snow White.

Have a good one.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • Like only the finest wines, consensual sex with adults, and '70s porn, this blog is meant for mature audiences only.
  • I guess I officially announced to the blogosphere my son's name last week. I have been calling him Baby Shife forever but it slipped last week in one of my arbitrary deductions. Anyway, he is 18-months-old now so I guess it is cool but I will probably still call him Baby Shife on the blog. Actually I think we will go with Lil' Shife since he is no longer considered a baby.
  • Looks like we might have to reschedule our end of the world as we know it party. I guess the Mayan calendar might be off by a few years, and by a few I mean 100.
  • So the Halloween parties get going this weekend for the Shifleys, and hopefully I will have some photos to share next week. We are going with a Disney theme.
  • Stole this from my blogging buddy and Facebook friend, Travis. Had a nice vegetarian pizza for lunch. Seriously ... every last ingredient on the pizza used to be a vegetarian.
  • WWJD? I was wearing my WWJD bracelet recently, and I was in the movie theater, and this guy's cell phone went off. Then he picked it up, 'Hey, how's it going? I'm in a movie.' And I'm like, 'Hey! Get off the phone!' And he's like, 'Mind your own business.' And I almost went crazy, but then I looked at my bracelet: What Would Jesus Do? So I lit him on fire and sent him to Hell.
Enjoy the rest of your week.

Thursday, October 07, 2010

Arbitrary Deductions from a Slightly Skeptical Human Being

The title is just another way of saying Random Acts of Shifeness. Actually I didn't want to cheapen your blog experience by using the same blog post title from last week. Yep that is how I roll.
  • Since the baseball playoffs are under way it reminded me of trying to convince Mrs. Shife two years ago that Ray Romano from "Everybody Loves Raymond" bought the Tampa Bay baseball team and that is why they are called the Tampa Bay Rays. She didn't buy it.
  • Speaking of Mrs. Shife, I attempted to talk her into doing the no-pants dance by romancing her with the charming sentence "Don't you know it is Cocktober?" And she reminded me that it was also "Blocktober."
  • Does anyone know a black guy named Roger? The only one I could think of was Danny Glover's character from "Lethal Weapon." I don't think too many people have a dog named Roger either.
  • Kyle discovered a new toy to play with, the toilet. He thinks it is awesome when he drop stuffs into the porcelain god. The victims include a Blackberry and a hair brush. We do our best to keep the bathroom doors shut but sometimes we forget, but we are quickly learning that the little man does not forget.
  • My goal this week is to live in the now. And then after 7 days I will try to do it for 7 more, and then 7 more after that. By then I hope it will be a habit. I just feel like I am always looking ahead or looking back. I need to bask in the power of now.
  • If you are not dreaming then you are just sleeping.
  • So does anyone have a new favorite TV show this year? I am not in love with anything right now but "The Event" has kept me interested so far.
Well that is all folks. Have a good weekend, and remember to think before you drink. That's right you should think about adding a couple of shots of Jagermeister to your order because you really want to wake up naked in your neighbor's fountain-like Japanese maple. Do it.

A picture of the boys trying to convince the parental units that it is time to go to the playground. Baby Shife is saying "Out" if you look closely at the picture.