Thursday, June 30, 2011

Hey you

Yeah you. Kyle and I want you to have an awesome holiday weekend. So do it. No back talk. Just get out there and have yourself a swell time. You better have so much fun that a plastic surgeon has to take the grin off your face. We will talk to you next week.

Friday, June 24, 2011

10 Things I Love This Week

  1. When I ask someone the following question "Kyle what is your name?" and the answer I get is "Tank Tank."
  2. Summer. Thank you for finally arriving.
  3. Kyle discovering what happens when you drink orange juice after you brush your teeth.
  4. The face Kyle made after his discovery, and then he proceeded to wipe his tongue on my shirt for a good minute.
  5. Twitter. I don't know why but I guess I am enjoying it more. The last time it felt like a horrible one-stand that left me with a of case of anal warts. But this time Twitter and I are taking it slow. If you want to say hi it is just @mrshife.
  6. Halfway there with Steve (the name Kyle calls the baby) and so far so good. We had the ultrasound where we could find out what we are having and it turns out we are having a baby. I tried to persuade Mrs. Shife but she wants to wait.
  7. The finales of "The Killing" and "Game of Thrones" and can't wait for their new seasons.
  8. Meeting a high school classmate I had not seen since high school.
  9. Meeting a dude named Dokken. Yes his parents named him after these guys. And I rocked out to them in high school but definitely did not think naming a kid after them. If I named a kid after a favorite band in high school his or her name might have been Poison.
  10. This picture of the my little man doing some big pimpin'.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Just sayin'

I don't want to brag or be boastful, and I don't mean to show off my son again, but I have to share the light of my life. It is moments like this that really drive home what is important in life. I may not have money, beauty, or glamour, but I have my family. And after putting together this video and seeing it more than a few times, I feel like the richest man in the world. I love being this boy's daddy and I thank Mrs. Shife for giving me the greatest gift I have ever received. Kyle helps me find the positive in this life of mine and I feel so blessed to wake up to spend the day with the cutest little boy I know.
Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there.

Friday, June 10, 2011

My greatest no-comment post

It has been a trying week for this dumb, white guy so I chose not to bore you with my battle with depression but I instead I dug up an old blog post I wrote that got no comments but I feel it deserves another shot at fame. I posted this several years ago when I was still working in the corporate world and my world had not been graced with Kyle mania yet. Enjoy and have yourself a good weekend.

Pleated pants.
Let’s just say it is not a good idea to wear pleated pants around strange women.
Who knew a crisp blend of cotton and polyester could be so wicked?
Basically when you are sitting down in these dastardly trousers the groin area RISES to the occasion. It is like a pop-up book. And on page 12 Little Johnny sports wood.
No shit they are an easy-wearing, relaxed fit!!!! It looks like you just sprouted a frickin’ oak tree in your pants.
Who the heck tailored these pantaloons? Viagra?
I feel like an effin’ pervert every time I have a meeting. I look down and whammo, it is Erection Planet.

Losing my hearing.
Recently I took a road trip with Mrs. Shife. She was enjoying a book on tape on CD and I was watching a DVD. I guess I should mention that she was driving.
Anyway, since I am about 95% deaf in my left ear, she can change the stereo’s balance to the left side and listen to it as loud as she wants. I can hardly hear it since I am watching my movie with headphones on and did I mention that I am about 95% deaf in my left ear.
Fast forward about a week and I am in the car cruising home after work. I just downloaded some new music, and I am ready to rock out. So I turn on the radio, turn on the iPod, and I am ready to … Hey, what’s going on here? This sounds like crap. I can hear it but not real well. I crank up the stereo. I crank up the volume on the iPod. And I can hear it, but it still sounds like garbage. All I am thinking is that my hearing is getting worse. I am getting old. First the gray pubic hair (note: I only said hair, not hairs) and now the original surround sound is starting to suck even more.
Yep, about halfway home I realized that stereo balance was still all the way to the left, my deaf side, and that is why the music sounded like crapola.

Holy crap.
I actually plan a bowel movement during my day at work. I go in there, take care of business, and maybe do some light reading. It is good way to unwind and get some peace and quiet. Unless some other butt hole shows up to drop off a payload, and then I need to wrap things up. I just don’t like pooping next to someone if I can avoid it. My noises are fine, but listening to Crapper McGavin next to me is not high on my favorite activities list. The thought of dumping at the airport is almost nightmarish. OK, on with the story. I was busier than a bull’s behind during fly season at work yesterday. I had like a Kit Kat and a Diet Coke for lunch. So the previously scheduled poo was postponed. I head home and maybe my butt has been trained and is used to crapping at work because I felt no urge to go at home. I wake up late, and as I was rushing out of the house to get to work on time I felt the ache. The abdominal pain. Sweat beads forming on the forehead. The clenching of the cheeks to keep the levees from breaking. Oh the humanity. The turds were honking for the right of way. Can I crap in my cup holder and still drive the car? I race to work, run up the stairs, kick open the door to the bathroom, and as soon as my bare ass touched that seat it was like a fecal grenade went off. It was an explosion. Poo pandemonium. The water even splashed up and got my butt wet. It was horrible. So the moral of this story is I hope you don’t have a crappy day.

Here is a picture of the little man and his cousin as he was chauffeuring her around on the farm at Grandma and Grandpa's house.

Friday, June 03, 2011

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • A guy I have known for more than 25 years is one of my oldest friends, but it dawned on me the other day that on paper you would not think that was the case. He graduated from the university that is my alma mater's bitter rival, he does not drink, we like sports but none of the same teams, and I just found out he does not like one of my favorite movies. But he is the yin to my yang or I am the yin to his yang. So I don't know what makes it work but it does.
  • I have a warped sense of humor.
  • Example #1: Heard this on a podcast ... What is the name of the condition of a person with six fingers on both hands and six toes on both feet? Unfortunate.
  • Example #2: From the TV show "Parks & Recreation" about the death of a mini-horse named Lil' Sebastian ... “When I walked in this morning I saw that the flag was at half mast, I though, ‘All right, another bureaucrat ate it!’ And then I saw it was Lil’ Sebastian. Half mast is too high. Show some damn respect.”
  • I have noticed lately that they are marketing deodorants that provide protection up to 72 hours. So have dudes evolved so much that are stench is just too powerful for ordinary deodorant?
  • About 2 weeks ago Kyle watched "Cars" for the first time. Guess how many times he has seen it since then? The little dude loves that movie.
  • So I mentioned horse herpes on this blog a few weeks ago. Well the outbreak is so bad that in Utah participants at a county rodeo queen contest had to perform their routines on stick ponies.
  • And today is a bittersweet day for the Shifley family. We had to say goodbye to Quincy dog a year ago. We still miss him a lot, and it was hard letting him go but it was for the best since he had gotten so ill. Hope you are enjoying laying in the sun wherever you are Captain Furry Pants.

I always liked this picture of the two boys, and now I like to think that Quincy is still looking out for us.