It has been a trying week for this dumb, white guy so I chose not to bore you with my battle with depression but I instead I dug up an old blog post I wrote that got no comments but I feel it deserves another shot at fame. I posted this several years ago when I was still working in the corporate world and my world had not been graced with Kyle mania yet. Enjoy and have yourself a good weekend.
Pleated pants.Let’s just say it is not a good idea to wear pleated pants around strange women.
Who knew a crisp blend of cotton and polyester could be so wicked?
Basically when you are sitting down in these dastardly trousers the groin area RISES to the occasion. It is like a pop-up book.
And on page 12 Little Johnny sports wood.
No shit they are an easy-wearing, relaxed fit!!!! It looks like you just sprouted a frickin’ oak tree in your pants.
Who the heck tailored these pantaloons? Viagra?
I feel like an effin’ pervert every time I have a meeting. I look down and whammo, it is Erection Planet.
Losing my hearing.Recently I took a road trip with Mrs. Shife. She was enjoying a book on tape on CD and I was watching a DVD. I guess I should mention that she was driving.
Anyway, since I am about 95% deaf in my left ear, she can change the stereo’s balance to the left side and listen to it as loud as she wants. I can hardly hear it since I am watching my movie with headphones on and did I mention that I am about 95% deaf in my left ear.
Fast forward about a week and I am in the car cruising home after work. I just downloaded some new music, and I am ready to rock out. So I turn on the radio, turn on the iPod, and I am ready to … Hey, what’s going on here? This sounds like crap. I can hear it but not real well. I crank up the stereo. I crank up the volume on the iPod. And I can hear it, but it still sounds like garbage. All I am thinking is that my hearing is getting worse. I am getting old. First the gray pubic hair (note: I only said hair, not hairs) and now the original surround sound is starting to suck even more.
Yep, about halfway home I realized that stereo balance was still all the way to the left, my deaf side, and that is why the music sounded like crapola.
Holy crap.I actually plan a bowel movement during my day at work. I go in there, take care of business, and maybe do some light reading. It is good way to unwind and get some peace and quiet. Unless some other butt hole shows up to drop off a payload, and then I need to wrap things up. I just don’t like pooping next to someone if I can avoid it. My noises are fine, but listening to Crapper McGavin next to me is not high on my favorite activities list. The thought of dumping at the airport is almost nightmarish. OK, on with the story. I was busier than a bull’s behind during fly season at work yesterday. I had like a Kit Kat and a Diet Coke for lunch. So the previously scheduled poo was postponed. I head home and maybe my butt has been trained and is used to crapping at work because I felt no urge to go at home. I wake up late, and as I was rushing out of the house to get to work on time I felt the ache. The abdominal pain. Sweat beads forming on the forehead. The clenching of the cheeks to keep the levees from breaking. Oh the humanity. The turds were honking for the right of way. Can I crap in my cup holder and still drive the car? I race to work, run up the stairs, kick open the door to the bathroom, and as soon as my bare ass touched that seat it was like a fecal grenade went off. It was an explosion. Poo pandemonium. The water even splashed up and got my butt wet. It was horrible. So the moral of this story is I hope you don’t have a crappy day.
Here is a picture of the little man and his cousin as he was chauffeuring her around on the farm at Grandma and Grandpa's house.
