Monday, October 31, 2005

There's No Place Like Home

If Halloween parties are measured by how drunk the host gets, then we had the best Halloween party ever. I was escorted to bed my Mrs. Shife at about 1:30 because I started talking about midgets and was getting a little out of control on the karoke machine. As promised here are some photos. And my choice for Halloween this year was Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz. I know I am one sexy bitch. Here is Mrs. Shife and I doing our best prom pose. And Mrs. Shife put the wicked in the Wicked Witch of the West if you know what I mean.

Our beloved basset, Quincy, even got Halloween fever and put on my wig and dress.

Here is a buddy and me rocking out to the soothing sounds of the karoke machine.

Finally this is me and the gang belting out some Backstreet Boys. Yes I go totally gay when I man the mic. Also, notice the droopy eyes and the crooked wig of Mr. Shife. I believe this was my last performance of the evening and I was in bed shortly afterwards.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Who are you going to be for Halloween?

Well Mrs. Shife and I are hosting our first-ever Halloween party tonight. It will also be the first time that my professional world and personal world collide so it should make for an interesting evening. So just in case any embarassing stories surface from my collegiate days I have decided to wear a costume that will allow me to be unnoticeable, but I have to narrow down the list and that is where you come in my loyal blogging friends. Please pick the costume you think is the most appropriate for myself and I will be forever grateful. And have a Happy Halloween.

The Heterosexual Iceman

Fran from Dodgeball

Darth Weirdo

The Elephant Man

Foil Man
Dog Boy

A Horse's Ass

NFL cheerleader

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Which movie villian are you?

I know this is unoriginal, and I apologize but I am terribly busy. I haven't posted since Tuesday and I wanted everyone to know that I am still alive and well.
So when you get a chance, take this quiz and find out which movie villian you would be?
And after taking the test I am freakin' Dr. Evil.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

And The Winner Is ....

Dorna. She has seen 31 Stallone movies. I will be sending over the nude photos of Quincy as soon as I can. But, like T. Leach said, none of us are really losers, we are all winners.

And now back to more pressing matters, I will have limited computer access until Thursday so I have time for a quick post today and I will try to stop by all your blogs when I have the chance. So today's game is what would you do for a million dollars?

a) Your spouse's boss and his wife are meeting you at a fine restaurant for dinner. During the main course, would you take out a vibrator, slump back into your seat and begin to massage your groin area for one minute?

b) It is midnight and you are alone at Sea World in San Diego. In front of you is the shark exhibit which consists of an open pool which is 50 feet from one side to the other. All the lights are off, and the only illumination is what is provided by the half-moon in the sky above.
Would you jump into the pool and swim from one side to the other?

c) Would you spend the night on the embalming table with a corpse that had been killed in a horrible traffic accident?

d) You are on the second story of a building where there are three 50 foot banisters which run from the second floor to the first floor. All three banisters are greased. However, at the end of one, there is an exposed nail head protruding up approximately 1/4 of an inch.
Would you take off your clothes, put on a blindfold and slide down of the banisters, not knowing which banister contained the nail?

e) Would you attend your high school reunion knowing that every time you spoke you would be experiencing a continuous orgasm?

P.S. I am starting a new trend. Everyone plucks their eyebrows, so I am going to start plucking my eyelashes. Fuck eyebrows.

Monday, October 24, 2005

How Many Have You Seen?

Well, no response from Jesus yet, but maybe he doesn't think I am serious. So I have listed all of Stallone's movies, courtesy of, just to see how many I have actually seen. Today's contest is simple, who has seen the most Sylvester Stallone's movies?
The prize will be nude photos of my dog.

Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over (2003) .... Toymaker... aka Spy Kids 3: Game Over (USA: video title)
Shade (2003) .... Stevens
Taxi 3 (2003) (uncredited) .... Le premier passager
"Liberty's Kids: Est. 1776" (2002) TV Series (voice) .... Paul Revere
Avenging Angelo (2002) .... Frankie Delano
D-Tox (2002) .... FBI Agent Jake Malloy... aka D-Tox (Australia) ... aka Eye See You (USA: video title) ... aka Im Auge der Angst (Germany)
Driven (2001/II) (VG) (voice) .... Joe Tanto
Driven (2001) .... Joe Tanto... aka À toute vitesse (Canada: French title)
Get Carter (2000) .... Jack Carter
Antz (1998) (voice) .... Weaver
Cop Land (1997) .... Sheriff Freddy Heflin
The Good Life (1997)
Daylight (1996) .... Kit Latura
Assassins (1995) .... Robert Rath... aka Assassins (France) ... aka Day of Reckoning
Judge Dredd (1995) .... Judge Joseph Dredd
The Specialist (1994) .... Ray Quick... aka Especialista, El (Peru)
Demolition Man (1993) .... John Spartan
Cliffhanger (1993) .... Gabe Walker... aka Cliffhanger - l'ultima sfida (Italy) ... aka Cliffhanger, traque au sommet (France)
Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot (1992) .... Sgt. Joe Bomowski
Oscar (1991) .... Angelo 'Snaps' Provolone
Rocky V (1990) .... Rocky Balboa
A Man Called... Rainbo (1990) .... Jim Ramroc/Jim Rainbo
Tango & Cash (1989) .... Raymond 'Ray' Tango
Lock Up (1989) .... Frank Leone
Rambo III (1988) .... John J. Rambo
Over the Top (1987) .... Lincoln Hawk... aka Meet Me Half Way (USA)
Cobra (1986) .... Lieutenant Marion 'Cobra' Cobretti
Rocky IV (1985) .... Rocky Balboa
Rambo: First Blood Part II (1985) .... John J. Rambo
Rhinestone (1984) .... Nick Martinelli
Staying Alive (1983) (uncredited) .... Man on Street (cameo)
First Blood (1982) .... John J. Rambo... aka Rambo: First Blood
Rocky III (1982) .... Rocky Balboa
Victory (1981/I) .... The Players - U.S.A: Capt. Robert Hatch... aka Escape to Victory
Nighthawks (1981) .... Det. Sgt. Deke DaSilva... aka Hawks
Rocky II (1979) .... Rocky Balboa
Paradise Alley (1978) .... Cosmo Carboni
F.I.S.T (1978) .... Johnny D. Kovak
Rocky (1976) .... Rocky Balboa
Cannonball (1976) (uncredited) .... Mafioso... aka Carquake (UK)
Farewell, My Lovely (1975) .... Kelly/Jonnie
Death Race 2000 (1975) .... Machine Gun Joe
Capone (1975) .... Frank Nitti
The Prisoner of Second Avenue (1975) .... Youth In Park
No Place to Hide (1975) .... Jerry Savage... aka Rebel (USA: reissue title (video title))
The Lord's of Flatbush (1974) .... Stanley Rosiello... aka The Lords of Flatbush (USA: poster title)
Klute (1971) (uncredited) .... Extra/Man dancing in club
Bananas (1971) (uncredited) .... Subway Thug #1
Lovers and Other Strangers (1970) (uncredited) .... Extra
The Party at Kitty and Stud's (1970) .... Stud... aka Italian Stallion (USA: reissue title)

P.S. I don't know if you know this but today is Bring Your Zit To Work Day. I am a bit of an overachiever so I brought in three pimply bastards.

Friday, October 21, 2005


Dear Jesus,
Hello, how are you? I'm fine, and I hope you are doing well also. My name is Mr. Shife and I live in Idaho. Wait, you already know that, right. You are like omnipotent or something. So, do I need to even write this letter? Hmmm, well what the hell. Ooops, can I say hell? I mean I say dirty words all the time and if you are like Ms. Cleo, you already know I say stuff like shit, cock, balls, fuck, etc. Maybe you need to give me a quick demonstration of your powers.
Whose mother did I have impure thoughts about in high school? And cue the Jeopardy music, ..... tick-tock. And Jesus, can I have your answer? Holy Crap, you are like a superhero and shit. I never told anyone that. Damn, you are the man. High Five to the J Man.
Anyway, I am getting off track here, but you knew that. So I have a question for you and since you are one cool dude, I mean you turned water into wine. God, that is awesome. Ooops, I did it again. Did you get mad when people use God's name in vain or is it an urban legend? Did you also see what I did there? I dropped a reference to the song that made Britney Spears famous. Seriously, what's up with that? I mean talk about throwing a dog a bone. You could have done much better. I think she kind of let you down.
Seriously, I need to wrap this up. I mean you are one busy guy, at least I assume you are. Do you have down time? I mean is there a better way to contact you? I have tried the prayer thing but evidently you were too busy to hear my prayer because, ummm, I don't know if you read the papers but the Cardinals are not going to win the World Series this year. You owe me one.
Alright, so the point of my letter is this. Sylvester Stallone is making another "Rocky" movie, what would Jesus do?

Your pal,

Mr. Shife

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Mexican Anecdotes -- Part 2

I learned something new about myself and Mrs. Shife during our recent trip to Mexico. We have been together since 1997. We got engaged in 1999, and we got married in 2004. So that is 8 plus years, so you would think that I would know my lovely wife pretty good.
Mrs. Shife has secretly been keeping tabs on my drunkenness and has made a startling revelation. I guess I am not surprised because she did get a Psychology degree, and I think that was one of the reasons she was so attracted to me because I am a perfect case study since I am functioning retard.
Anyway, back to story.
So Mrs. Shife has been using her observational skills during my states of inebriation to come to the conclusion that her husband has a trigger word. The trigger word does not make me angry or make me kick my off shoes in a fit of joy, but it indicates that Mr. Shife will soon be on his way to Passed Out Town.
Drum roll please.
And the word is MIDGETS!!!!!
Whenever I begin talking about midgets or anything related to midgets it is almost certain that I will concluding my evening of fun and shenanigans very shortly. For reasons unbeknownst to me, when my brain wants to have a chit chat smorgasbord about the little people, I am going to be shutting down the party bus soon.
Maybe I just love those little bastards so much that I would prefer that they are last things I think about before I go nighty-night.
So if you happen to swing by my Halloween party or we are just bellying up to the bar someday, you have been warned. When Mr. Shife begins his diatribe about the welfare of midgets be prepared to call in some back-up because there will be a man down soon.

Power to the little people!

P.S. In my humble opinion, last night's episode of "Lost" sucked.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Mexican Anecdotes

This might be the first of many, but here is my inaugural Mexican tale from my lost weekend in Puerto Penasco.
We spent 3 days south of the border and during those 72 hours I ingested quite a few things that after being shaken, stirred, and processed in my belly were ready to take their final journey home to the big sewage plant in the sky.
So I wake up Sunday and there is a bear in my ass. I mean he is growling and ready to be exorcised. Everything's cool because the condo we rented with friends was spacious enough that Mrs. Shife and I have our own bathroom so if I need to blast a portal to hell we should be OK. And I have matches. My first and only travel tip, don't forget the matches.
I am up, I say hello to my little friend (He is always up way before me), and notice that Mrs. Shife is looking puzzled. She informs that there is no water (Puerto Penasco has to truck in all its water and since they are right next to the ocean it is ironic) and no electricity.
This is not good, I say, and meanwhile, my bottom is growing more and more antsy. Well, I alert the colon warriors of our unfortunate surroundings and they lock down the hatches and submerge. It is like a scene in a submarine movie when the sub is cruising on top of the water and then all of the sudden the enemy appears. Everyone heads to their battle stations and the sub immediately dives back into the ocean.
Anyway, let's move forward. I tell Mrs. Shife we need to hit the road because I don't know how long I can make it sitting on this weapon of ass destruction. So we load up our sexmobile, the 2006 Ford Taurus rental car, and say our goodbyes and begin the run for the border. Now I know what you are thinking, why not stop in town and take care of business? Well I have been in town and seen the banos, and let's just say I would rather shit my pants than take my chances with one of the local restrooms. Plus, this was the morning after a concert where there about 4,000 gringos drunk as hell in town, and the last time I checked the sanitation of the bathrooms is not a high priority in third-world nations.
So it is about 60 miles to the border and as we get closer and closer it is becoming more apparent that I am racing the clock. The colon warriors send me a message, "We are giving her all we got, Captain." I was surprised as well to know that poop was female.
Mrs. Shife suggests that we pull over and I go outside in the desert. I thank her for the suggestion but remind her of my fear of pooping outdoors.
Let's us pause for an amusing but traumatic anecdote.
Several years ago I was helping a friend with his crops, and it was a carrot field. Well in southern Idaho they use bees to help pollinate the crops and stuff so there are literally thousands of bees in the crop fields. Well, we are nowhere near a shitter and I am doubled over in pain so my friend tells me to just go in the field. So I do, and evidently, human poo is a big hit with the bees because I was in the middle of a swarm right after I began my movement. I am hurrying up to finish and swatting away bees at the same time. I finally finish the deed and as I am wiping I get stung right in the neck. So I jump up screaming several dirty words like "I hate you bee, you winged mother fucker. Leave me alone and make some honey, asshole" and try to pull up my jeans while I am running from this swarm of bees in the middle of a carrot field. So I don't like shitting outside.
Back to the story, we hit the border, and I am having hot flashes and sharp pains strike my stomach intermittently. The line to get across was not too shabby, so we are in America. But there is nothing really on the American side that I believe would make my current situation a favorable experience so we have to wait for the first border town which is another 30 miles.
Holy Crap!
Mrs. Shife is starting to get concerned because I explain to her how I am feeling in terms I believe no one has ever used before. I can't verify this information but I feel strongly that I am the first to describe my predicament in the following way.
I told my lovely wife that you know at the rodeo when they put the bull in the pen and get him all fired up, then they stick a cowboy on top of him and then the bull is really fired up. He is ready to come unglued. He is pissed. He is ready to come flying out of the gate and do some damage, and it takes all the cowboys and rodeo clowns to hold that gate down until the cowboy on top says he is ready. Well that is basically what is going on with my rectum. I have bull in the pen and he is ready to dance.
Well, to make a long story less long, we pull into town and I race into the bathroom. And it is occupied. I wait and wait, start doing a little dance because we can longer abort the mission. And dancing like a dumb, white guy is an excellent way to distract the bull in the pen.
Anyway, the dude finished up, I think he wanted to have a dance off, but I said I had a turd honking for the right of way. Maybe we can dance later. And then I William Shatnered (also known as pooping) and the world was right again.
Yeah me.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

More of Me In Mexico

God, that almost sounds like a bad porno movie. Anyway here are some more pics from our little trip south of the border. I am even more wiped out today thanks to the baseball game last night. It was an incredible game, and all I am going to say about it is this: I swear on everything that I hold near and dear to my heart that as soon as Albert Pujols hit that home run and I started screaming like a mad man, my fat basset hound, Quincy, starting humping my leg. I really do love that dog.

I can shoot blinding lights out of my head. And I am not wearing any pants. Hey where is that left hand going?

This gal tried to play Whose In Your Mouth but there was some confusion and she ended up playing Whose In Your Ear.

This is where the magic happened.

This is picture of my shorts right before I dipped my balls into the ocean.

OK, here the blonde is pointing at all the people playing Whose In Your Mouth. And notice the guy wearing the 40 visor on the right. He is practicing the ancient art of Jesus Eyes. He is trying to eye fuck anyone wearing a cowboy hat, and I think he is feeling a little overwhelmed.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Hola Amigos, I Am Back!!

Well they let me back in, and I am wiped out. I over indulged and had a rocking good time. I will fill you all in with some of my wonderful memories from another lost weekend in Mexico later. Right now you just get some pictures.
It is good to be back, and thank you all for your kind words.

So the first two pics are the view we had from the condo we stayed at in Mexico. Not too shabby.

And here is a picture of the rental car we got in Phoenix. I specifically asked the lady to give me a car that my grandfather would think is sexy and basically guarantees that I will be laughed at by strangers. So they gave us a 2006 Ford Taurus. Thank you Budget.

The other picture is me with my wood. I love my wood. I like to look at it in awe.

This is me at the concert. I asked everyone around who wanted to play "Who is in your mouth?" And this girl is the only one who wanted to play.

Mr. and Mrs. Shife smiling for the camera.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Circus Mexicus

Greetings amigos, I am going on vacation to a little place called Mexico. Mrs. Shife and I are heading down to a town right on the Pacific Ocean called Puerto Penasco or Rocky Point. One of our favorite bands in the whole wide world, Roger Clyne and the Peacemakers (formerly The Refreshments), performs a concert there twice a year and we figured it is our time to do it.

So I will be on the beach for three fabulous days working on my tan, rocking out, destroying my liver, and listening to my wife justify why she needs to go on another shopping spree. It is going to be awesome. Play nicely while I am gone and I will be back Monday with a Mexican hangover and hopefully some cool photos. As Mr. Clyne so eloquently states, "My second home is a third world cantina."

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Tagged again

I was tagged by The Nutmeg Hotline. The second time this week. I almost feel like I am the prom queen. Anyway, the list is 10 Things I Would Bring Back, and I believe the hardest part was keeping it to 10. Enjoy, and your comments, as always, are welcomed and appreciated. Now go take on the day. That Dr. Laura still inspires me to this very day.

  1. I'm Rick James, bitch. I really would love to see Dave Chappelle's Show back on the air.
  2. The original Guns N' Roses back for a summer outdoor concert tour. For 3 months they could set aside their differences and just rock the fuck out.
  3. My carefree college days. I could drink like a fish and sleep till noon and not have a care in the world.
  4. Codpieces and fanny packs. Do I need to go into detail on these awesome fashion accessories?
  5. Butt rock, the big giant hair from the '80s and sweet smell of Aqua Net in the air.
  6. Janet Jackson Halftime Shows.
  7. Voodoo curses. Who doesn't love the voodoo? There is just not enough voodoo these days.
  8. Mondays. Everbody hates Mondays, but everyone Thanks God It's Friday. Poor Monday. We need to start a TSIM (Thank Shife It's Monday) revolution. Who's with me?
  9. The fashion of Magnum P.I. The big busy mustache, the short shorts, the shirt unbuttoned down to his penis. Come on that is a great look. I know I would be liberated and sexy wearing that ensemble.
  10. Harland Williams. I miss you, please come back and make me laugh.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Mr. Shife shoulders blame for 1-4 start

As some of you may or may not know, my favorite NFL team is the Arizona Cardinals. They are terrible and have been terrible for as long as I can remember. But this year was suppose to be different and many experts picked them to win their division. Well, unfortunately, no one told the Cardinals and they are playing like garbage as usual. Anyway, I have submitted a press release regarding the poor start by the Cardinals.

Cardinals fan Mr. Shife usually makes opening remarks during his Monday news conferences. A day after the Cardinals' 24-20 loss to the Carolina Panthers, Mr. Shife had nothing. He went straight to question-and-answer with reporters. The Cardinals are 1-4 at the off week, something no one in the organization expected. Mr. Shife took the blame.
"I'm the ultimate responsibility on the football field," he said, "I guess I am just not cheering hard enough. Maybe I should have worn my lucky underwear or I shouldn't have had nachos the night before. Dammit, they never win when I have nachos the night before the game."
A few questions later and the frustration was even more evident with Mr. Shife.
"As far as players and coaches are involved, I think the responsibility to win falls on me . I really need to understand that my actions and superstitions really do affect the way the team plays. If they score a touchdown right after I lick Cheese Whiz off my dog's belly, then I must continue to do this or they will never score another touchdown. I apologize to the organization and promise to double my efforts to ensure that we get back on the right path."

Monday, October 10, 2005

I have been tagged

This is almost as bad as watching a grown man satisfy a camel.
Thanks Steph at Much Ado about Sumthin.

7 things I plan to do before I die
1) Go to New Zealand
2) Spend a summer going to every Major League Baseball stadium.
3) Take my kid or kids to a St. Louis Cardinals game.
4) Make the world a better place.
5) Spend every possible moment with my lovely wife, Mrs. Shife.
6) Go to a taping of "The Daily Show."
7) Go to the Arizona Cardinals World Champions parade. Who am I kidding? How about retiring early and spending my days running a basset hound rescue on my 10 acre farm in Montana.

7 things I can do
1) Order iced tea in Japanese.
2) Let you borrow one of my DVDs. My collection now stands at nearly 400. My wife thinks I have a problem. The only problem I see is that I don't have 500 yet.
3) Tell you that I married my best friend.
4) Rescue a basset hound. I am up to number 5 right now.
5) Work at a newspaper. I know it is hard to believe, but I was actually an award-winning sports journalist before I changed careers.
6) Say that I met my hero, Pat Tillman. I met him when I worked at a newspaper and right before he joined the Army.
7) Always be loyal to my sporting teams no matter how much they piss me off.

7 things I cannot do
1) Shit Twinkies.
2) Get aroused by Smurfette.
3) Shoot lasers out of my penis.
4) Train to be in the Ultimate Fighting Championship.
5) Take a bath with my dog.
6) Invent the Intenet. Damn you Al Gore.
7) Cheat on my wife. Well, come on, I had to put one serious one down.

7 things that attract me to the opposite sex
1) Huge boobs. Oh wait, my wife might read this. Ummm, great personality.
2) She lets me have sex with her.
3) She speaks little or no English, but still lets me have sex with her.
4) She is really good looking, but she still lets me have sex with her.
5) She knows that that I am a dumb, white guy, but she still lets me have sex with her.
6) She lets me have sex with her more than once.
7) She reads my blog and knows that I am just kidding about the previous 6 entries.

7 things I say most often
1) Holy Crap!
2) Would you like to Super Size that?
3) Do these pants make my ass look fat?
4) How much extra for the midget?
5) Someone shit on or near the coats.
6) Seriously, I can't believe how big my penis is.
7) I'll have the salad and a glass of your finest Chardonnay.

7 favorite celebrities
1) Christian Bale
2) Jon Stewart
3) Bridget Fonda.
4) John Cusack.
5) Vince Vaughn.
6) Denis Leary.
7) Jay Mohr.

People who need to do this
1) Colorado Hurricane
2) Max Powers
3) Darius Torque
4) Nutmeg Hotline

Friday, October 07, 2005

Gimme Seven -- The Final Episode

Well, at least, that is what I am telling the press. Never say never right. So week 1 was 7 favorite comedies, week 2 was 7 favorite other movies besides comedies, and today will be your 7 favorite movies starring Jean Claude Van Damme. So, bring it on.

OK, I don't even think I have seen one JCVD movie that I would admit freely to enjoying. No, today will be your 7 favorite TV shows of all-time. It may be tough for some of you since you don't watch a lot of TV so just play along if you can.

Have a good weekend, and remember, win or lose, we still booze.

So here is my list in no particular order.

  1. "Arrested Developement"
  2. "24"
  3. "Rescue Me"
  4. "Sanford & Son"
  5. "Seinfeld"
  6. "Family Guy"
  7. "X-Files" -- The early years, I personally think it turned to crap the last 2 seasons.

P.S. Quincy my basset hound just called to tell me what he wants for Christmas. Now he will officially have cash and prizes.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

I'm Having Tom Cruise's Baby!

Not me silly, but Katie Holmes. Hide the couches Oprah. This news coupled with the fact that Nick and Jessica are breaking up means I can't cope with reality right now. I am on entertainment overload.
OK, seriously, I would rather watch my fat basset lick the neighbor's cat's ass than hear all of this entertainment garbage. But I am quite busy with other tasks so I am just posting the picture that has inspired me. That's right folks, I am trying to win David Hasselhoff's heart, and I am not afraid to write David a letter. I sure hope I making the most of my looks and my brain. Wish me luck, and please don't tell Mrs. Shife.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Top 10 Things I Don't Want

Yesterday's list was fun, even though it was inappropriate, so let's do it again. So here is my list of things I don't ever want.
Feel free to add your own, and as always, your comments are welcomed and appreciated. And don't forget to tip your waitstaff.

  1. To spend an intimate evening with Anne Murray.
  2. To make a love connection in jail.
  3. To wash my balls in a ball washer.
  4. To have a roman shower.
  5. To be featured on any Fox reality show especially "When Animals Attack," "Cops," or "America's Most Wanted."
  6. To be assassinated by a Ninja.
  7. To join the Clay Aiken Fan Club.
  8. To develop a fear of pooping.
  9. To be kidnapped by a cannibal.
  10. To have this guy as my doctor.

P.S. As much as I bitch about it, there is a new episode of "Lost" on tonight and I am excited. Not like seeing gratuitous nudity excited but almost. And I was wondering if there was an analyst/therapist out there? If you watched "Arrested Development" you know what I am talking about.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Top 10 Inappropriate Erections

I am sure someone has already done this top 10 list, but this is my version and I have to keep things short and sweet today because the baseball playoffs start today so I will be pretty useless.
So here is my list of the most inopportune times to get a fresh delivery of wood.
Feel free to add your own and as usual, comments are welcomed and appreciated.
  1. At a Girl Scout Jamboree
  2. Petting the sheep at the zoo or pony rides (I can't decide which is worse)
  3. Getting a physical
  4. Getting your colon checked
  5. While in jail/prison
  6. At the nude beach
  7. During a shower at your gym
  8. Watching self-help gurus such as Dr. Phil or Richard Simmons
  9. While you are wrestling during a high school or collegiate match
  10. Being patted down or searched by a male law enforcement officer or airport security

Monday, October 03, 2005

Quincy, er, Ralph, flip flops and sweat pants

What the hell kind of title is that? Well, my friends, those would be the topics I am going to cover. I shall begin with Friday night. Mrs. Shife and I went out for dinner and a movie. We had a great dinner and I ate way too much. We went to the movie and my food baby apparently came equipped with a time machine because it went from the first trimester to breaking water in about 5 minutes. Sitting in the movie I just became completely uncomfortable. I seriously wanted to rip off my pants and enjoy the film in my panties. Mrs. Shife advised me this was not acceptable so I perservered and made it through the cinematic adventure. But the whole ordeal got me thinking, wouldn't it be awesome if they had vending machines with sweat pants? I mean I could have thrown down $20 and got myself a nice pair of a polyester/cotton blend sweats equipped with an elastic waist band. It would be so sweet. I would seriously have done cheers like this person if I would have had a pair of sweats available to myself during the movie. By the way, "Must Love Dogs" is a good flick, and John Cusack is a stud. Seriously, I am not gay but thanks for thinking that I was.

Next, I have perfected the catch and release move when wearing my flip flops. Occasionally when I take the fat basset for a walk a rogue pebble or stick will decide to call my flip flop home. When this happens, I can, in one fluid motion, kick off the infested flip flop, which sends the rogue particle back to the hellhole it crawled out of. Now the flip flop stays within my foot's gravitational pull and I am able to return my foot to its flip flop home without coming in contact with the street.

Finally, I was lying on the couch with the fat basset watching the remake of "The Longest Yard." He was nestled by my feet and looking like the furry little angel that he is. He got up and decided to come up and lay right next to me so we could spoon. And I am thinking to myself what a sweet boy. I am showering him with praise and then he looks at me and it is like he wants to tell me something. And then he opens up his mouth and pukes all over me.

Here is a picture of the canine vomiter.

Have a nice day.