Thursday, July 26, 2012

Wish List

So here is a nice little list of things that would be way more awesome if they only lasted 10 seconds or less. What do you think? 
  1. Jury duty
  2. Awkward first dates
  3. Going to the DMV
  4. Visiting the dentist
  5. Waiting in line at the post office
  6. Going through airport security 
  7. Riding public transportation
  8. Falling asleep 
  9. Calling tech support
  10. And last but not least the hangover I am going to have Saturday morning.
Now did #10 catch your attention? You might be wondering why oh why is Mr. Shife is scheduling a hangover for Saturday morning. Well I am not planning on it but odds are that I will have one because I know me and me is going to forgot that he is 42 and probably also forgot that he should not be drinking until 3 in the morning. I am getting together with my fraternity brothers for our annual drunkfest ... errr reunion and I never know how these things are going to play out when I am back together with the boys. The plan is to have a few beers, reminisce, and come home before midnight. I also planned on being a member of Jamaican bobsled team. Sometimes a plan doesn't come together. Wish me luck. And I hope your weekend goes according to planned. 

Little Miss Hayden is not going to give two poopy diapers if I have a hangover. 

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

Friday, July 20, 2012

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • At one point in my life I actually kept up to date with music and actually introduced people to new artists. Oh how times have changed. Now I am rocking out to NPR in the car or listening to "Victor Vito" with Kyle. But the last few days I was able to download some new music and I am enjoying O.A.R. and The Lumineers. 
  • When I was a teenager I got yelled at by my Dad a lot for spending too much time in the bathroom. Get your mind out of the gutter. I was actually making sure my hair was perfectly feathered before I took the garbage out to the community dumpster (we lived on a military base so you had to walk a bit to take out the trash) because you never know how many teenage girls you might encounter on your trip to the giant garbage can. Nowadays I spend a lot time in the bathroom - again get out of the gutter - but I am busy removing hair when I really don't want it. Still not sure why we have not evolved enough to be done with ear hair. 
  • Little Miss Hayden is frickin' 8-months-old. Can you believe that? 
  • Kyle is still 3 and it appears that we almost have a potty trained boy. He still needs to wear Pull-Ups at night and during naps but other than that he is doing awesome. The only problem we might have is that he really does not care for underwear so he spends most of the day going commando. At this point, I don't care. Once he is a graduate of the Shifley Potty Training Academy then we can start worrying about the banana hammocks. 
  • Have I mentioned that Craig Ferguson makes me LOL? I seriously laugh out loud watching this man. 
  • I had no idea when I woke up this morning I would have to talk about this but as a parent and just a dude who gives a shit ... what in the hell is wrong with our effin' species? Unfortunately, we live in a violent world and I have become numb to a lot of things but I am deeply bothered and saddened by the tragic loss of live at the theater in Colorado. How many of these senseless tragedies will it take before we starting taking the action to prevent this from happening again? I think Americans have a right to own guns but for the life of me I don't know why we need to have assault weapons. 
  • This got depressing real fast. Below are pictures of my pride and joy. Initially I thought against putting their pictures on this post because of the last statement, but then I reminded myself when tragedies like this do strike it is important to remember why life is so precious and important. You have to enjoy each day and let those people know that you love them because you just never know when your time is up. 
  • “When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they can seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall. Think of it--always.” ― Mahatma Gandhi
  • Enjoy your weekend. Thanks for stopping and take care of yourself.

  • I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

    Friday, July 13, 2012

    The Pole Position

    To the best of my knowledge and beliefs, the words I am about to type are true and no names have been changed to protect their drunken behavior. 
    Like so many other great ideas, this great idea was concocted after the consumption of too many beers. It was 2002 and a cold Friday night with not a lot going on in Boise so naturally me and friends decided to drink beers after work until we found something to do because that is how all epic failures, I mean adventures begin. After a few beers and a cab ride downtown, we were at a bar doing the same thing we were doing at my friend's house: drinking beers and trying to figure out what to do. At least now we were in a bar where we could people watch and make fun others which made us feel better about ourselves. Fast forward a few hours later, and try to guess what we were doing.
    And ... time is up.
    All of you who answered bung darts with lemur monkeys are absolutely in need of therapy.
    Of course we were still drinking, making fun of others, and still figuring out what to do. I would guess we are about 5 hours into the drinking - and did I mention I am a professional drinker so this is par for the course. After a stint in the Navy, and 5 years in fraternity, it is safe to say I could put away a few beers. Now don't be alarmed as I am fully retired from those days as I have a wife, kids, and other responsibilities that do not mesh well with being a professional drinker. OK I need to focus and get going with this story. Finally an epiphany was found at the bottom of one of the beer bottles or it might have been a poster in the bathroom. We need to go to a strip club. We put it to a vote. All in favor say I, and we reminded those who didn't say I that we will hide condiments in uncomfortable spaces in their body's orifices after they pass out.
    Surprisingly it was unanimous.
    Off to the strip club we go, and then I remembered why I don't like strip clubs. The drinks are way overpriced, it is dark for a reason and those reasons frighten me, it is loud, it is a little depressing, it gets boring pretty quickly, and I can think of better things to do than spend $20 dances on a 2-minute lap dance like drink beers and make fun of other people.
    We have been at the club for about an hour and I am done. Ready to move on to another destination. I look at my friends and they have the same look of apathy. Remember it is loud and trying to hold a conversation is almost as impossible as getting the Democrats and Republicans to agree on anything so I do what any good friend would do and take matters into my own hands.
    I notice there was break in the action between dancers as Sultry Smegma just finished and Curvaceous Crustina was about to take the main stage so with the calmness, poise, grace, and charm of a Wal-Mart shopper on Black Friday I leapt to my feet and jumped on the stage. Knowing I had mere seconds before I would be "gently" taken off stage by some yoked-up neanderthals, I had to make this moment  legend .... wait for it .... dary. I hopped up on the pole and starting to pull myself up as fast as I could. The "friendly" staff made their way to the stage but I was out of reach of their dinosaur arms. And I just kept climbing, and then looking down waving to my buddies who of course were cheering me on, and then looking at the "pleasant" bouncers (Honestly I think they were more pissed because I interrupted their "How You Can Read At A 6th-Grade Level in 3 Simple Lessons" meeting) to show them how the universal signal for you are #1. This little game continued for a few more minutes, and then I graciously came down from my pole perch to face my punishment. The "kind" men escorted me and my friends out of the building, and "politely" told us we were banned for life. I did get a few singles shoved into my Levis so the cab ride home was on me as we went back to my buddy's house where we .... you will never believe it .... drank a few beers trying to figure out something to do tomorrow. 
    Have a nice weekend.

    I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

    Friday, July 06, 2012

    Stuffing the Teddy Bear

    In the spirit of Ambushed Paddingtons, I proudly present the magnificent story of Charles Marshall. This definitely falls under the "You Have to Read This OneTo Believe It" category. So I guess Mr. Marshall is into plushophilia, which is liking one of your stuffed animals a little too much. It is being sexually attracted to stuffed animals or people dressed in animal costumes. Some plushophiles like to masturbate using small stuffed animals, and some like to dress up in costumes and have sex with others wearing costumes.
    Honestly, I did not wake up today thinking I was going to be writing about a dude who takes a play date with his teddy bear to a whole new level. And for those of you scoring at home that is back-to-back stories about masturbating on my blog. Hey somebody has to do it. The Shife abides. I am sure my therapist would have some interesting insight into that fact. So below is the whole story about the dude and his forbidden romance with the bear. I look forward to CNN special to find out if the bear was really asking for it because the bear is always hanging out naked and stuff. I also really hope Charles did not work at a Build-A-Bear workshop if you know what I mean.
    You can read the whole story here if the image is not big enough.

    Hope you have a wonderful weekend and thanks for stopping by. Sorry I don't have something more substantial to offer but I am still on vacation. =) Actually we just got back and it was nice being off the grid for more than 3 days. The Internet and cell phones have a lot of advantages but I think it should be mandatory for everyone to take a little siesta from them once a year just to unwind and relax.

    I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.