1. Choose your wiping medium. What to wipe with? Most of us are blessed with bountiful supplies of rich, downy-soft, cotton rolls which hang conveniently by the commode. If you are not among these lucky few, do not despair for there is plenty of stuff to wipe your ass with including paper towels, the newspaper, the phone book, the mail, towels, friendly neighborhood cat, shower curtain, or the wall.
2. Find your ass. For some, ass finding comes naturally. Others require both hands, a mirror and a flashlight. Still others must rely on a loved one to locate their ass until they get the hang of it. And even more have trouble distinguishing their ass from a hole in the ground.
3. Wipe, wipe, wipe your ass, always front to back. Carefully carefully, now you've got the knack. This little song (sung to the tune of Row Row Row Your Boat) will guide you through the final ass-wiping process. To break down ass wiping into it's most basic mathematical expression we could write:
YAP_x_ log_2_8^x^ &TP;=&TP; ( p00p)8^x^ (p00p)(8^x^)&TP;=&TP; 3 ew2 ew2&TP;=&TP; 3
Where YAP = your ass plane, TP = toilet paper, and ew = gross factor X
4. The finish. Once your ass is clean you may be tempted to show it off to your neighbors, friends, and coworkers. This urge is completely natural but you must resist. Keep your clean ass to yourself.
5. Wash your hands. Or don’t and just give someone a stink palm.