Monday, October 29, 2007

Wipe it real good

If you are like me then you know quite a few people who have their head up their ass. It is quite unfortunate because these people probably can not properly wipe their ass since their cranium is causing an impediment. So in my goal to better mankind, I give you these tips to pass along to all those who need to free themselves from skid marks, poop stains, dingle berries, klingons, and all manner of unpleasant nastiness:

1. Choose your wiping medium. What to wipe with? Most of us are blessed with bountiful supplies of rich, downy-soft, cotton rolls which hang conveniently by the commode. If you are not among these lucky few, do not despair for there is plenty of stuff to wipe your ass with including paper towels, the newspaper, the phone book, the mail, towels, friendly neighborhood cat, shower curtain, or the wall.

2. Find your ass. For some, ass finding comes naturally. Others require both hands, a mirror and a flashlight. Still others must rely on a loved one to locate their ass until they get the hang of it. And even more have trouble distinguishing their ass from a hole in the ground.

3. Wipe, wipe, wipe your ass, always front to back. Carefully carefully, now you've got the knack. This little song (sung to the tune of Row Row Row Your Boat) will guide you through the final ass-wiping process. To break down ass wiping into it's most basic mathematical expression we could write:

YAP_x_ log_2_8^x^ &TP;=&TP; ( p00p)8^x^ (p00p)(8^x^)&TP;=&TP; 3 ew2 ew2&TP;=&TP; 3

Where YAP = your ass plane, TP = toilet paper, and ew = gross factor X

4. The finish. Once your ass is clean you may be tempted to show it off to your neighbors, friends, and coworkers. This urge is completely natural but you must resist. Keep your clean ass to yourself.

5. Wash your hands. Or don’t and just give someone a stink palm.

8 comments:

Airam said...

This post is too funny!

That friendly neighbourhood cat is always around when you need it, eh?

angel, jr. said...

This post will save many from having those unsightly skid marks.
You could have added something along the lines of "if you cannot get the knack and end up always having skid marks, wear colored underwear".

The Duck said...

Extremely useful information. This is why I keep coming back here.

The Phoenix said...

A variation of that formula includes Y = corn bits

nutz said...

This is so informative, but how do you keep from getting those left over pieces of tp on your ass?

cher said...

you must feel such a sense of pride knowing you make me laugh out loud.

i was just fondly remembering back to the days when you commented back. I'm not complaining. oh no... I'd never do that. I'm just happy you click the allow comments button so we, your loyal fans, can lavish you with praises. After we wipe our asses with our hands that is.

the rube said...

how many rate cuts before the u.s. greenback will be used for tp?

it's not the same without greenspan's cryptic speeches.

The Egg said...

Thanks for this valuable information! Ass wiping is a difficult task. But when done properly, it's a breeze. I didn't think of the cat--brilliant!