Friday, June 29, 2012

Help Save Lives

I don't know if this post needs some kind of warning or if everyone who visits has come to realize that you are never surprised at what you find on my blog. Anyway, if the visions that start to appear in your head are too graphic while reading, please use our safety word. The safety word today is cinnamon.
Well here it goes.

I like to think that I look at the world differently than a lot of people. Maybe the following thought process will illustrate that or it just might show me that I am not necessarily all that ground breaking in my musings or it might just show that some thoughts should be kept to myself.

So for the last week or so, we have received at least one call a day from an outfit that shows up on the Caller ID as "Help Save Lives." I am sure it is a reputable company doing outstanding work for people who truly need help hence the Caller ID name "Help Save Lives." Unfortunately, yours truly takes a different route. I don't know if it is because I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue but I like to imagine that it is a sperm bank calling because they received word about how I enjoy my own company if you know what I mean. They are concerned that millions and millions of potential lives are being flushed down the toilet, and that I am not doing enough to "Help Save Lives." 
If they did decided to leave me a message on the answering machine, I am sure it would go something like this: "Hello, Mr. Shife, this is Beth from the Squeeze-n-Freeze Sperm Bank. Please stop enjoying your own company at home and come donate at one of our state-of-the-art ejaculation stations. For a small inconvenience you can make an enormous difference, and give the gift of life. Please call us today at 1-800-GO-SPERM."

After writing this, I am reminded of this sperm donation joke.
A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.
About a week later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: "Unh unh," she replies, her mouth tightly closed.

I can't wait to see what kind of spam I get this week.
Take care, and I hope you have a wonderful Fourth of July.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

Friday, June 22, 2012

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • As the weather has finally warmed up here in our neck of the woods, I have been able to get some work done outside. Awesome, but I am reminded of cosmic laws. It seems that any time my hands become coated with grease or oil, my nose will begin to itch and I have have to pee. 
  • Another cosmic law. We got new carpet installed in our TV room. Occasionally, Kyle gets to eat in there while he watches his cartoons. The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor is directly correlated to the newness of the carpet. 
  • Mrs. Shife and I got a sitter for the first time since Hayden was born. It was nice to get out of the house and spend a few hours together without the germ farmers. We went and saw "Rock of Ages." It isn't the best movie but it was fun because we got to relive some of our much younger days thanks to the music from the film. Lots of great memories goes along with those songs. 
  • I hurt my leg playing indoor soccer about 7 months ago, and despite physical therapy along with lots of rest, the leg just does not feel right. My doctor found nothing out of the ordinary when I saw him so I decided to try out a chiropractor. I am one of those people that is a little skeptical of the chiropractic way but so far my leg has felt a lot better. I am hoping being out of alignment is the reason for my leg pain and a few adjustments will have me feeling more normal. 
  • Been watching a lot of Euro 2012. Really, really enjoy watching good soccer. It has totally passed baseball as one of my favorite sports to watch. 
  • I have a new boyfriend and his name is Craig Ferguson. I enjoyed his work on "The Drew Carey Show" and just happened to catch his late night show recently. Well I am glad I did because he makes me laugh out loud. 
  • Little Miss Hayden just turned 7-months-old and if I had to guess, I would say she will officially be a crawler by the time I update this blog next week. She is just a little bundle of energy right now trying to move as fast as she can in every single direction. I am not sure how much big brother is going to like it when she is able to get into his toys. 
  • I want to thank each and every one of you who come by and visit my blog. Without you, I would not be doing this. You have been there for some of my proudest moments and unfortunately some of my darkest days. Your words have given me hope and the strength to keep fighting the good fight, and lifted me up when I needed it. Hopefully one day I will be able to meet some of you in person to tell you how much I appreciate you being apart of my world.
    “He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has.” — Epictetus. 
  • Well that is about it for now. Whatever you do, make it great. Have a good weekend.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Friday, June 15, 2012

My Summer Must-Do List

Nothing too original this week as I spent most of my free time deleting penis enlargement emails thanks to the blog post last week. Kinda scary sometimes how your Google searches lead to massive spam emails and ads on websites you visit. Some of you may have seen this list floating around on the Internet so if you have seen it - sorry - but if you have not, please enjoy. And I must admit that #6 and #10 are my favorites. 

  1. Make vanilla pudding. Put in mayo jar. Eat in public.
  2. Hire two private investigators. Get them to follow each other.
  3. Wear shirt that says "Life." Hand out lemons on street corner.
  4. Get into a crowded elevator and say "I bet you're all wondering why I gathered you here today."
  5. Major in philosophy. Ask people WHY they would like fries with that.
  6. Run into a bar wearing a helmet covered in tin foil and ask if it is 2012. When people answer yes, then run back out of the bar cheering and yelling "It worked." 
  7. Become a doctor. Change last name to Acula.
  8. Change name to Simon. Speak in third person.
  9. Buy a parrot. Teach the parrot to say "Help! I've been turned into a parrot."
  10. Follow joggers around in your car blasting "Eye of the Tiger" for encouragement. 

Here is Little Miss Hayden all dressed up for her 6-month-old portraits.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

Friday, June 08, 2012

You Can't Unring That Bell

Don't you wish life had an undo button like the control Z function on your computer? There are just some things you can't unsee or unhear that will leave scars that not even time or 27 Jagermeister shots can help erase. So this tale begins many years ago when a technology-challenged and older relative asked for my help setting up their email account. I was glad to help, and help I did. Fast forward a few weeks and they ask for my help again because they are having trouble adding attachments or sending the right checking account information to a Nigerian prince. It was one thing or another but I had to get into their account to see what was going on and causing the problems. Their inbox was full of the normal stuff. Emails from friends, some silly spams, business correspondences, and then there was the email that froze time, made me throw up a little bit in my mouth, and made atheists believe in God. Yes it was quite a powerful email. And yes my descriptions might be a little harsh but this is one of those things that you don't want to know and you definitely don't want the mental image. I also need to let you know that this older relative had just started dating a new lady friend. Did the light bulb go off? Actually now that I re-read those last few sentences, you might have a few different light bulbs going off. So what did I see? An email that a free trial of a Extenze will be arriving shortly. Yes that Extenze. The one that is supposed to make your wiener a little bigger all naturally. Awesome. Doesn't that paint a pretty picture? Exactly what I was missing from my day. Confirmation that my relative is popping pills to supplement his sausage. Boy did I need a drink after that. Unfortunately, when I went to grab a beer from the fridge, the horror show continued as I discovered all we had were longnecks.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.