Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Oh Canada

First off thanks to everyone for their support, advice, and all-around coolness last week. It was just one of those days and it actually got a little scarier. I found a lump where you don't want to find lumps, and had to get an ultrasound down there to make sure everything was OK. Fortunately everything was OK but quite frankly it did scare me a lot to hear the C word mentioned in the same sentence with "your testicle." Anyway everything is cool now so let's move on to something more entertaining ...

So I can't believe I have not talked about how Canada turned me down but I hope you enjoy it. For those of you here just to get your Baby Shife fix just scroll down to the bottom and you will find the little angel. Well a long time ago in a county far, far away, my fraternity brothers and I were enjoying - and I by enjoying I mean abusing - alcohol at a bar in Kellogg, Idaho. It was Labor Day weekend and we were there for a buddy's wedding. Closing time comes and I am not ready to call it a night. For some odd reason I felt a trip to Canada sounded like a reasonable plan of action at 2 in the morning. I heart Canada and it had been a long time since I had seen her so I needed me a little maple leaf fix. I asked those who were left standing if anyone was interested in making a trip to the land of hockey, maple syrup and peeler bars and surprisingly I only got one volunteer. Off we went.
Buddy - yes let's call him Buddy - and I hopped a fence and we were hitchhiking west on Interstate 90. And we got a ride rather quickly. A guy in a little pick up stopped for us about 5 minutes into our adventure. As we headed west the conversation got rolling and it turns out none of us were legal to drive. The driver did not have a license and Buddy and I were hammered. Oh and the driver might have been over the legal limit as well. Not the smartest thing I have ever done but neither was hitchhiking to Canada at 2 in the morning. We did make it to Coeur d' Alene and he drops us off. Did I mention our driver had a lot of beer in his truck and gave us some for the rest of our journey? So Buddy and I are cruising through one of the bigger cities in Idaho looking for another ride and chugging beers. Finally we get picked up again and start our way north and make it to Athol a few hours later. You will have to look up these towns if you really want to know where I was but this is a small podunk logging town with a lot of interesting characters. Buddy and I roll in just as there is a shift change at the logging mill so we get picked up right away by one of the I would think most interesting characters. It is about 5 in the morning and we are beyond wasted. We have hit the drinker's high. Kinda like a runner's high just with alcohol. But we get brought back down to Earth by our latest driver. The dude was straight up looney tunes. He decided to give us a ride all the way to Sandpoint and along the way he decided also to share with us his theories on how he was actually "The Last Starfighter." Yes, please take a moment to drink all that in. So The Last Starfighter tells us all about his adventures from outer space. Buddy and I are ready to bail because we don't know if we are going to get beamed up someplace not so friendly or if The Last Starfighter is just an overly friendly nutbar. So once we hit Sandpoint we start walking as fast as we can away from The Last Starfighter because we are both worried he is going to tear us another Black Hole. I could make this long story even longer but I will tighten it up. We had a friend in Sandpoint that we called and he came and got us. Buddy and I got a few hours of sleep then we headed further north to Canada but alas it was not meant to be as one of Canadian's finest security guards deemed us unruly to enter their fine and sacred land. Or it might have been because Buddy had been arrested in Canada before and failed to mention it to me before we hit the road. We did not get in. We were so close. I could smell the Canadian awesomeness. But my love for Canada was unrequited. I wiped a single tear away (maybe two) and we headed back to Kellogg. After all I went through to get to her I still can't believe Canada treated me that way. I still to this day only eat made in the USA Canadian bacon and refuse to have sex with Shania Twain just to let Canada now that I will never forget.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Short and sweet

I was already to dazzle everyone with my hitchhiking to Canada story but right now I feel like one of the housewives on "Mad Men." I got breast milk all over me, I haven't showered in two days, and I am ready to say "Jager take me away." Me and Baby Shife are having a battle of the Wills. He likes Will Smith. I like Will Ferrell. But seriously he will not sleep. I don't know what to do. Does this automatically happen when they turn 16-weeks-old? I love this kid but days like today make me feel like a complete failure as a parent. Oh and did I mention when he starts crying then the fat basset starts howling. Good times people. Good times. So I am barely hanging in there today and I hope I will have time next week to write the Canada story. I have included the weekly photo fix for everyone and a couple of Facebook posts that I thought were funny. Have a great week and hopefully life at the Shife hacienda will not be as crazy next week.
  • Attack of the Blue Dong ... I mean "The Watchmen" out today on DVD. I wonder if they will have a Blue Ballin' special edition DVD.

  • If you were on the fence about eating goat penis - http://bit.ly/inpwQ - this should really help make your decision a little easier.

  • And this month's featured shirt from the "I'm Not Getting Laid" catalog, http://bit.ly/cRspp

  • I have to be serious for a moment and share this utterly disturbing link especially if you love dogs, http://bit.ly/44VdbZ

  • On a lighter note I just beat my previous record for number of consecutive days I have been alive.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Thanks Red

The title of the post makes me feel like I am repeating dialogue from one of the "Hellboy" movies. But instead thanks goes to blogging buddy Red for tagging me and asking me to share 10 things honest things about myself ... so here it goes:
  1. Besides waking up and saying "I can't believe I am XX years old today" there are two other things I do on my birthday. I watch "The Big Lebowski" and I call one of my best friends from college because we share the same birthday.
  2. I love sports, and I pretty much have a favorite team in most of the leagues but there are 4 teams that I absolutely follow passionately. The St. Louis Cardinals in baseball, the Arizona Cardinals in football, the North Carolina Tar Heels in college basketball, and the University of Idaho Vandals in college football.
  3. My favorite word is crestfallen followed closely by sullied.
  4. I have grown up with basset hounds, but Quincy the fat basset and the basset previous to that, Higgins, are my true basset loves. Those two dogs will always have a special place in my heart. We will get another dog someday and it will be a basset but I think it will be more for my little man if he wants a dog. And I will love this dog as well but Captain Furry Pants and Higgins came along during really great parts of my life. By the way, Quincy is fine so I hope I don't sound like I am saying he is taking a dirt nap soon.
  5. My nickname is Shife based off of my last name. Anyway it is also featured in a rap song because "Being Shife" is being hardcore. The name of the song is "Lookin' Shife" by Pimp Squad Click.
  6. I am about 95% deaf in my left ear. Born that way.
  7. My favorite quote: "A crowded elevator smells different to a midget." I like it because it is funny but it is also more than just a silly phrase. Sometimes we lose track of what we don't have instead of what we do have, and your life is about your view, your perspective.
  8. My favorite food is pizza, and the best place I ever, ever, and I mean ever had pizza was at Giordano's in Chicago.
  9. I have hitchhiked 3 times in my life. The most adventurous was going from Kellogg, Idaho to the Canadian border. A buddy and me left the bar at closing time and decided we wanted to go to Canada. So we hopped a fence and stuck out our thumbs and made it to the border about 16 hours later. We ended up getting 4 rides to make it there, and the sad thing is once we got to the border they would not let us in. That is an even longer story.
  10. The best place I ever saw a concert was at the Gorge in George, Washington. Metallica played and it was freakin' awesome. Metallica is great but the setting is what really made this concert awesome. If you ever get a chance to go to the Gorge in George do not hesitate. Do it.
  11. Oh and a bonus one because I have to eat my words on something. I have bashed Twitter here numerous times but I finally signed up and must admit it is not as bad as I thought. I enjoy some aspects of it so I will continue to tweet for the time being. Here is my info if you tweet as well, http://www.twitter.com/mrshife.
And here is your weekly Baby Shife fix:

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • Thank you to everyone for your kind words regarding my last post. I sincerely appreciate it and I just wanted to let you know.
  • This literally sucks, and it is also basic math. Pool filter, a few drinks and your penis do not add up to what one would call a great evening. Read all about it right here, Dong and Pool Filter Link. And feel free to insert (poor choice of wording there) your Free Willy jokes.
  • For the love of overweight circus midgets what is wrong with people? I wish the following sentence I am about to type was just a figment of my imagination but sadly it is true. A year ago, Lisa, 16, ran away with a grandfather 30 years her senior. So did the couple live happily ever after?
  • And a few notes from the Rookie Dad journal. Just when I think I kind of got a handle on the whole being a Dad thing Baby Shife throws me a curve ball. The other night he was extremely fussy and did not want to sleep. When he did sleep he would wake up 5-10 minutes later screaming bloody murder and crying like the Cubs won the World Series (I am a Cardinals fan by the way). If this was an episode of Scooby-Doo I would have said "Ruh Roh Raggy" and hid behind some desk. But with the help of my lovely wife and some Scooby snacks (read: BEER) we tamed the wild child. From what we can gather he was having a growth spurt and it looks like his swaddling days are over. He puts up a big fight now when he gets wrapped up burrito-style so we are letting him sleep with his arms out.
  • I was re-watching "The Kite Runner" and this quote from the movie really stuck with me, "Children are not like coloring books. You can't fill them in with your favorite colors." I don't want to be one of those parents that tries to live my dreams and fantasies through my child. Sure I would love it if my son loved baseball and the Cardinals as much as I do and maybe even became a pretty good ball player but I am not going to shove that down his throat. I just want him to be happy and to be himself. I have to remind myself of that when he is a teenager and starts making fashion statements. I sure hope kids are pulling up their pants by then.
  • And here is your weekly fix of the cutest baby I know: