Picking a winner

My blogging buddy and all-around cool dude Phats asked me to participate in his football pick 'em contest this week, and I said "Sweet sassy molassey." Here are my picks.

Steelers at New York Jets
This a simple one – the Jets suck, the Steelers don’t.
35, New York 14

Miami Dolphins at Philadelphia Eagles
Hmmm, another simple one – the Dolphins suck, the Eagles … hey wait a minute the Eagles kind of suck too. But their level of suckiness does not compare to the Dolphins. Plus the game is in Philly, and if the Eagles lose there might be a riot of unseen proportions. So for the good of mankind the Eagles better win.
Philadelphia 27, Miami 10

Washington Redskins at Dallas Cowboys
Do you like either team? No
Can you shorten their nicknames to sound like gay street gangs? Yes. The ‘Boys and the ‘Skins.
Damn it. We have to go to a tiebreaker.
Who has bigger boobs – the Hogs or the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders? Cowboy cheerleaders.
Dallas 31, Washington 24

Kent State Golden Flashes at Temple Owls
I think I picked Kent State last year because they have an awesome nickname. The Golden Flashes. I don’t know what it means but it is cool. Maybe that is what you get when you flash a stranger for the 1,000th time.
Kent State 24, Temple 13

Vanderbilt Commodores at Tennessee Volunteers
Did you know Vanderbilt was named after the ‘70s supergroup, the Commodores, and their lead singer at one time was the L-train, Lionel Richie? Lionel is the man. If Vanderbilt was named the Vanderbilt Lionels they would be my favorite team.
But they aren’t and they are not as good as Tennessee.
Tennessee 28, Vanderbilt 21

West Virginia Mountaineers at Cincinnati Bearcats
Usually the mascots are scary but I just looked up a Bearcat and I think I could take him. The really interesting thing is it neither a bear nor a cat. Kind of like a tranny is not really a dude or a chick. So based on my retarded logic Cincinnati could be the Fighting Transvestites. West Virginia just has dental problems so I am going with the Mountaineers.
West Virginia 45, Cincinnati 28

Ohio State Buckeyes at Michigan Wolverines
This is a tough one. Both teams coming off losses, and wanting to get back on track. Michigan is at home. It is a rivalry game so anything can happen. Ohio State could win but so could Michigan. How do I pick? If there was only a really cheesy movie in 1984 starring Patrick Swayze, C. Thomas Howell, Leah Thompson, and Charlie Sheen that could give me guidance? Thank you “Red Dawn” for showing me the way.
Michigan 21, Ohio State 20

Louisiana Monroe at Alabama Crimson Tide
Anytime your school name could also realistically be a name of stripper is not good. Now taking the center stage, please give a warm welcome to Louisiana Monroe.
Alabama 49, Louisiana Monroe 13

Oklahoma Sooners at Texas Tech Red Raiders
This is tough. No not the game. Oklahoma wins easy. It is just tough trying to come up with some reason why I pick the teams I do. The rational reason to pick Oklahoma is because they are better, but you are not reading this for balance and objectivity. If you want that you should watch Fox news. And yes that buzzing sound you just heard was a sarcasm meter.
Oklahoma 35, Texas Tech 17

Duke Blue Devils at Notre Dame Fighting Irish
Anytime your school name could also realistically be in the Poop Thesaurus is not good.
Now taking the center stage after taking a Duke, please give a warm welcome to Louisiana Monroe.
Notre Dame 35, Duke 24

Kentucky Wildcats at Georgia Bulldogs
My fat basset loves Bulldogs. On the computer all day long looking at scantily clad Bulldogs in provocative positions. What a furry freak. He likes his bitch to have a little junk in the trunk. (Admit it, the only reason you watch dog shows is to hear a snooty white guy say bitch over and over).
Georgia 21, Kentucky 17

Boston College Eagles at Clemson Tigers
OK, I am going to let the 6% of me that is gay pick this game. Who in the hell told Clemson that purple and orange make a fabulous combination? Oh it hurts my eyes just looking at that color arrangement. Seriously purple and orange.
BC 28, Clemson 24

Idaho Vandals at Boise State Broncos
On paper this is a blowout. BSU is ranked in the top 20, at home on the smurf turf, and Idaho has only 1 win this season. Plus, I might starve if Idaho wins. All of the Boise State grads that work at the fast-food restaurants and pizza joints will be at home crying themselves to sleep in their parent’s basement so I would have nowhere to eat after the game. I know what is going to happen, but you gotta be true to your school.
Idaho 38, Boise State 35.

Purdue Boilermakers at Indiana Hoosiers
Indiana, can I ask you one question – Hoosier your daddy? That’s right. Purdue has owned you for a long time. Purdue continues its domination unless Joe Tiller starts throwing back Boilermakers before the game and lets a monkey call the plays.
Purdue 31, Indiana 27


  1. Am I on the right blog?! haha

    Where the hell is my freaking credit damn it! :) hahaha

    I read those and Oh My God I was literally laughing out loud thanks Shife you da man

  2. well to say i was disappointed that you don't mention me once in this post is an understatement. The whole thing is about football, and you know i'm the biggest baller out there. So, you can see my shock. Not once. Nothing about me OR your fake bastard seed that isn't keeping me up all night wondering things like "Has anyone put Baby in a corner lately?". Sometimes I can't help but wonder if you fake love me at all.

  3. Cher you're full of crap!! You hate football you yell at me everytime I post about it :) hahahahha Oh Yeah what you got now?

  4. I like the way you participate!

  5. I don't watch football. So I didn't read this post. But that picture was awesome.

  6. Thank you for visiting my blog and for the comment you left. China was a crazy experience, and you'll find that out after you have read a few posts. I'd like to go back, but I am gonna have to save my cash. I'd rather just travel than teach. But who knows, I may change my mind.

    PS I am much more of a college football fan than of the professionals. When it comes to baseball though . . . I go crazy for my Braves.

  7. who knew the vandals moved to idaho?

    i learn so much here, how much should i bet?

  8. Anonymous11/14/2007

    Idawhooo? Shawaat?

    I didnt see any mention of my Pats there.....what the crike?

    How ya doin over there eh? Is that you in the nose picken photo?

  9. Ha nice pics and so much detail - much better than what I did! But, can you guess an exact score like moi...well we will have to wait and see mister :)

    Have a great weekend buddy!

  10. errr meant *picks

  11. Purdue 31, Indiana 27

    BOILER UP!!!

  12. HAHA sweet Tena said BOILER UP!! :)

    Picks are up shife best of luck

  13. phats-Oh Yeah what you got now?

    seriously. i got nothing.

    now i'm trying to watch football do you mind? i think the batter is about to shoot the little black thing and get a hole in one.

  14. WTF!! I commented on this page, and now it's gone.

    I'm sure I said something about my Bears sucking, but my Fighting Illini looking good.

    Are there any other teams with "fighting" in their name, besides the Irish and the Illini. That school with the Banana Slugs mascot would sound one helluva lot tougher if they were the Fighting Banana Slugs.

  15. You were pretty close on the BSU/Vandals game.

  16. Thanks for picking my Flashes even if they didn't win. :(

    Loved the "Red Dawn" reference. I saw that on TV the other week. Forgot how cheesy it was!

    So, I guess that picture totally negates the motto: "You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose!"


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